| Twas the Night After Christmas By Jeff Foxwothry Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the trailer the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids weren't talkin' to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said, they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue, and neither could I, so I just watched tv and my wife she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin' I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, 'Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws, and I got a complaint from a feller named Claus." I said "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't takin' me without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night." I said "That may have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red." I'm hear for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen. Well I started to lie, then I thought what the hell it wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail. I said " Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife has be drinkin' again. When she walked in from work she was white as a ghost. I thought she has seen one of them UFOs But she said that a bunch of reindeer had flown over her head and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder a frezzer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin. So I yelled "DROP FAT BOY, HANDS IN THE AIR!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped back in his sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll se ya in court" |