From an age when men were men and nerds were not, comes a tale of such absurd contrivance that it would instantly be regarded as a classic of literature if only it ended tragically!   

EDDIE PAPPAS 

Eddie Pappas was a science and technology journalist back before the days of the Trojan Program Wars.  He had come to the computer trade show known as ComDex in search of new tales and lore.   

Wandering through the venerable halls of exhibits, Eddie 
noticed three particular computer nerds -- Bill and the two Steves -- standing before a tent wedged between the kiosks for Delphi On-Line and Oracle Data Base. 

"Hey, Nerdie!" Bill said.   

"Hey, Nerdies!" Eddie said.  "What's goin' download?"   

"We're going to get our fortunes told!"  said the two Steves in unison. 

Eddie looked at the sign over the tent.  PREDICTOR VERSION 1.0, it read.  FORETELL YOUR FUTURE.   

Eddie was unconvinced, but decided to wait in line with the others, just to check things out.   

Bill went in alone.  When he came out, he was beaming ear to ear.   

"You won't believe it!" he exclaimed.  "The computer predicted that I'll become the richest man in the world!"   

"You, Bill?" asked the Steves.  "You forget to put oil in your car!  You're a college dropout!  And look at that haircut!"   

Bill's shoulders slumped.  "Yeah, I guess you guys are right."  

Shaking his head sadly, he shuffled away.   

The Steves looked at the tent, then at each other.     

"We've got better things to do!" said the Steves. 

They bade farewell, and then it was Eddie Pappas all alone 
with the dark maw of the Predictor 1.0 tent.  He shrugged and entered.     

There was no one inside.  Just a TRS-80 sitting on a table, with a microphone nearby.   

"So what's my future?" Eddie asked. 

The computer screen flashed:  

I PREDICT YOUR SON WILL KILL YOU AND MARRY HIS MOTHER.   

"What???"   

But the computer would output no more.  Scowling, Eddie 
Pappas left the tent and went home.   

Eddie might have forgotten the incident, but one day Bill called. 

"Did you see the news?" Bill asked.  "I'm the richest guy in the world now -- just like that computer said!  Must be something to it after all!" 

Eddie's relationship with his thirteen year old son, Eddie Junior, soured after that.   

Maybe it was the time they were playing catch, and Eddie got distracted, and Eddie Junior beaned him with the baseball.   

Or maybe it was the time they went fishing, and Eddie Junior turned abruptly, catching his hook in his father's trouser pocket and nearly pitching his father off the boat.   

Or maybe it was the time Eddie Junior came home with a report card with straight F's, and his father, already stressed from worrying incessantly about the computer's prophecy, nearly had a heart attack.   

It didn't help that every time Eddie's wife made cookies, 
Eddie Junior would rush up to her and embrace her and 
proclaim, "I wuv woo, mummy!  I weewee wuv woo!"   

One day, after tripping over Eddie Junior's skateboard and stumbling down the stairs and almost breaking his neck, Eddie saw this admittedly-sickening display of affection and pried them apart.   

"That's enough!" he screamed.  "THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"   

He went into a rage and had a heart attack, and they rushed him to the hospital.   

Eddie's wife got a divorce soon after that.  She also got 
custody of Eddie Junior.  Eddie Pappas was relieved to stay away from both of them.  But . . . he also missed them dearly.    

Sometimes he wished he was dead -- but mainly he wished he had never gone into that tent. 

One day, his ex-wife called.   

"Eddie," she said.  "Your son is in jail."   

Eddie drove down to the jail.  Eddie Junior, adorned with tattoos and face-piercing jewelry, glared at his father, and his father saw pure hatred in his son's eyes.     

And he saw the future clearly -- and heard it as well.   

"I wish you were dead," his son said.  "And I'm gonna see 
mom gets married to someone who takes good care of her -- even if I have to do it myself!"   

Eddie Pappas Senior was cut to the quick.  He realized that fate could not be denied.     

So he went over and hugged his son.     

"Son," he said.  "Whatever happens from now on, I hold 
myself responsible!"   

Eddie visited his son every day after that, and never ceased 
to show love and affection.   

Now that his father was helping him with his homework, Eddie Junior got good grades.  He grew up and went to medical school, and became a world-class heart surgeon.  When his father needed heart surgery, Doctor Eddie Pappas Junior performed the operation.     

He was the one to pronounce his father clinically dead -- and then bring him back to life.   

Son and father became even closer after that.  Seeing their reconcilation, Eddie's ex-wife fell in love with her ex-husband again, and he and her made plans to remarry.     

By then, in preparation for missionary work, Eddie Junior had become an ordained minister.  And so, one bright and sunny day, the Reverend Eddie Pappas Junior proudly married his mother -- to his father.     

The following year, Eddie Pappas was again pounding the 
science-and-technology journalist beat at the trade show known as ComDex.  

"Eddie!" Bill said.  "You want an exclusive?" 

"Sure," Eddie said.  "But right now I have a service to humanity that I've sworn to perform."   

Eddie brushed by and entered Predictor's tent. 
 
HELLO EDDIE, said the computer.  I KNEW YOU WOULD COME.

"If you're so smart," Eddie said, "how come you didn't see this coming?"

Eddie aimed a gun at the computer.   
 
The computer replied, I PREDICT YOU WILL BE THE VICTIM OF A BAD PUN.   
                       
"Changing the subject won't work," said Eddie.  He pulled the trigger and blew the computer into smithereens.   

The shot attracted the security guards, who restrained Eddie and took him to jail.  Bill bailed him out and covered legal costs, however, and the incident has, over the years, been largely forgotten.     

But if you ask the ancient nerds, they'll tell you it made a deep and lasting impression on their psyches -- for  
they still speak of the trade show that year as the Eddie Pappas ComDex.