WHAT MEN THINK
Thought 1
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel" the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.
A PIOUS HUSBAND
Husband comes from church and lifts his wife and carries her around the house. Wife is a bit surprised about her husband being romantic, so she asks him, "Did the Father in church ask you to be romantic with your wife?"
"No", replies the husband, "He told us to carry our own sorrows."
HE-SHE: WHO IS SMART?
Boy: May I hold your hand?
Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy: You love me...
Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??
Girl: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Boy: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??
Boy: I love you and I could die for you!
Girl: How soon??
Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl: Yes, but would you stay there??
Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Husband: You remind me of the sea.
Wife: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Husband: NO, because you make me sick.
Wife: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something; it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend: ...And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
TIPS ON HOW TO AVOID HOPELESS ADVANCES
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life in your wildest dreams.
OH! WOMEN!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband then turned to his wife and asked,"What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a Helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,.......................................
All the men started clapping their hands.......
THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH ABOUT GIRLS
If u treat her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u dress nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;
If u don't, she says u are from CHENNAI (why Chennai?!?!?)
If u argue with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep quiet, she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are smarter than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell her your problem, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u scold her, u are like a UNCLE to her;
If she scolds u, it is because she CARES for u.
If u break your PROMISE, u CANNOT be TRUSTED;
If she breaks hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u smoke, u are BAD BOY;
If she smokes, she is a GENTLE LADY.
If u do well in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does well, it's BRAINS.
If u hurt her, u are CRUEL;
If she hurts u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!