File name: 03_How_to_train_a_man....doc | File type: application/msword Save to Yahoo! Briefcase - Download File - Need Help? HOW TO TRAIN A MAN TO GO LONGER THEN 4 MINUTES by Mike Huggins August 19, 2000 HOW TO TRAIN A MAN TO GO LONGER THEN 4 MINUTES When men want sex there're various ways we let the female know this. It could be with a note, "Baby you're the greatest" although, I always add lover to the end of that statement. It could be with flowers and a bottle of champagne. This one won't work for me because I'm a rose freak and I drink Champagne like it's water. And if she knows you get more enjoyment out of roses and Champagne then she does she'll think the sex act already happened. Soft Jazz and fragrant candles are instant foreplay to most women. A little slow dance, a little of you, me, us watching her dance, and just before you, me, we, rush her off to give her the best 4 minutes of her life we'll throw Marvin Gaye's, "Sexual Healing," on the CD player. Each male has his own technique and the only rule is whatever works, use it. Women don't have any techniques. When they want sex they can just say, "Do me, and do me now." And men are all over her. Or they can put on a sexy nightie-see through-no panties-no bra. But, keep in mind ladies, that is instant foreplay for every male born after Adam; Eve was always naked. What I'd like to see is a little role reversal. Instead of guys setting the stage for 4 minutes of passion have the ladies get a little wild. You maybe thinking the no panties, no bra and the "Do Me" are wild enough, but that actually cuts into our 4 minutes and brings it down to 3 minutes and 23 seconds. And that's only because it is instant foreplay for males. Sometimes I'll try and stretch the love making session out with an exceptionally long French kiss so I can say after looking at my clock, "Four minutes and fifteen seconds, ooooohhh, la,la. I was Superman tonight. Wasn't I honey?" And I married a good woman so she always says, "You were better then Superman tonight." So ladies, if you've been wondering how do you stretch the 4 minutes out to maybe six or seven here are a few ideas. Instead of wearing a see through nightie try dressing like Russian women. Russian women layer clothes on. It'll take a male at least 3 minutes to get through the first layer of clothes. Although, don't make it so hard that he needs to ask for help. So make the next layer shear off real easy and fast. This will build the excitement that was lost in trying to get your boots off. Velcro works real good for the second layer because guys are horrible with buttons. That's why in movies you'll see them just rip the tops right off and buttons go flying everywhere in slow motion. When he gets down to the final layer you should be wearing Russian panties and a Russian bra; neither are sexual and neither are attractive. He won't care at this point, although if things start going down get the panties off quick. So on the final layer you should have a Russian pair of panties, bra and a fur Russian hat. The hat comes off last by the way. At this point you should be in the bedroom. Again, if getting down to the third layer was to strenuous for your man and things are starting to go down get that last layer off fast. Don't try and do anything sexual like a pelvic thrust dance with the Russian under garments in an effort to get things up again. Those kinds of moves with Russian under garments only work on Russian men. American men have been much to stimulated with the Victoria Secret catalog in our bathrooms so those are the only panties that stimulate us now. However, we still know what's under that last layer. When the last layer is off you should find yourself either running from your lover because somehow he got all those clothes off in 4 minutes and 32 seconds and he'll only be good for 30 seconds which will put you at least 2 minutes under your 7 minute goal. Or you're 15 minutes into it and he has a good sweat going and everything is looking up. If you've gotten to this point you should still have the Russian fur hat on. If you're one of those animal activists I think they make fake ones now out of recycled paper. The last thing you want on your mind is a dead sea lion pup because he'll know you have something else on your mind and he'll rush it. Although, in an effort to pro-long the act you could whisper in his ear real soft and sexual, "DEAD SEA LION PUPS." This should put an instant visual in his mind and pro-long the act by 45 seconds. The 15-minute women can go ahead with the act because you're at least 8 minutes over your goal so even if he only lasts for 25 seconds you've succeeded. Pat him on the back; you go girl For you women running around naked with the Russian hat on don't be to hard to catch. Stop once in awhile and let him fondle you and then just when he thinks you're going to lay down-take off again. However, only repeat this 5 times because after the 5th time guys will usually wise up to this trick. Okay, you should be about 7 minutes into this now. You both have a good sweat going. You might be thinking about quitting, but remember your goal here. You're on a training mission. And that mission is to train your man to go longer then 4 minutes. Although, scientific studies have shown that the men that usually have to chase their women around for 5 minutes can actually last 1 minute and 45 seconds once the act actually starts. This will diminish over time to fall back to the normal 32-second range, but take it while it's good. After you both are good and satisfied go down and get some Russian Vodka and make yourself up a good screwdriver; after all, you just had a good screw and you might be thirsty……... After receiving thousands of emails and hate letters from you, our loyal fans, we decided to put a short list together of some of the most asked questions of us. We hope this covers all your questions, but if you still feel the urge to contact us, drop us a line at wecare@gonebad.net ps. For those of you who keep sending us livestock through the mail, PLEASE STOP! The post office has been threatening to cut off our mail if this continues. Q. When I try to play any of your games, I just get a blank box or an error message. Am I doing something wrong? A. Yes. You're getting a blank box or an error message for one of the following reasons: 1. Your monitor is turned off. 2. Your brain is turned off. 3. You don't have a monitor. 4. You don't have a brain. 5. You didn't download the Shockwave plugin from http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/ 6. You didn't download the Cosmo Player plugin from http://www.cosmosoftware.com/download/index_player.html 7. You're using a non _Javascript enabled browser. 8. You're using an evil microsoft browser instead of Netscape. Q. What the hell is pre Aptoplaflyptpicka gone bad anyway? A. Pre Apocalyptika is from the Zambian phrase "Ock latta vim pre Apocalyptika, verk betcha tok!", which loosely translates to "Seven ducks in a circle form mold in the house of your grandmother." Since we believed very strongly in this philosophy, we decided to adapt it to the internet. Q. Why do your games take so long to download? A. We decided that the internet was too fast for people, so we wrote a program that hypnotizes you into believing that they take a long time to download. In actuality, they take only a few seconds. In case you haven't noticed, THE WHOLE WEB IS SLOW. Q. I think you guys are so cool and your site is the best I've ever seen. How can I be just like you? A. We get this question all the time. Unfortunately, there is no way you can. You see, our standards are far superior than those of our fellow man. If, however, you feel that you need to emulate us, try these 10 activities that we do to attain such prominant stature: 1. Sit on the roof of your house in your underwear late at night with a bullhorn yelling "The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!" 2. Go up to people on the street you don't know and say "Do you know who I am?" and when they answer no, reply "I didn't think so." 3. Send emails to all your friends with a 15 step plan on how to prepare for the end of the world. Include detailed battle plans with schematics of banks, large corporations, petting zoos, etc. 4. Start a subscription to Guns 'N Ammo magazine. 5. Refer to yourself as "The Master of the Universe". 6. Spray paint your social insurance number on all the windows in your house. 7. Reply "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that one for awhile" whenever people ask you an important question, and then never get back to them. 8. Sniff people on the bus and then pronounce aloud "My god, whatever perfume you're wearing sure smells like a dead animal." 9. Write letters to yourself complimenting you on your greatness. 10. Insult your friends and family until they get pissed off and then say "Hey, I was just kidding". Q. Everytime I play the Hiway of Death game on my Macintosh, it crashes my browser and I have to restart. How can I get around this problem? A. Stop playing the Hiway of Death game on your Macintosh. Hopefully at least until OSX comes out. Q. How the Hell do you make these games? A. 1. Send us a self adressed stamped sheep and we will enclose our book: The Stains On Your Shorts Indicate Your Future: Shockwave And You 2. We don't actually make our games. They came with our webspace. 3. We were drunk. We don't remember. 4. Don't you know how to decompile a shockwave movie dumbass? duh 5. Games? What games? 6. Aparently if you email this guy he will send you the Director Source code file to any game on the site. Q. People think I'm socially maladjusted because I love your site and I tell my friends about it. Are they wrong? A. No. You are socially maladjusted. Stop spending so much time on the net and get a life.