Kissing School Whether you're new to the whole kissing thing, or a seasoned pro looking to brush up on the basics, Kissing 101 covers the fundamental information you need to know for good kissing. Of course, like all fundamental skills, you really have to practice to master them. This guide is not meant as a hard-and-fast set of rules for kissing... that goes against our whole philosophy! Instead, incorporate some of these basics into your own unique kissing technique. Kissing is a 'personal style' kind of sport... so get creative! Choose a topic from the list below to read more about it. If you have a great fundamental that you think would really help the rest of the class, raise your hand and tell us about it. Kissing 101 Topics Introduction Just a little 'kissing homeroom' to ease you into the day. Kissing 101 is intended to give a brief rundown of the various issues involved with kissing, coupled with what is (hopefully!) some good advice. This is not the be-all and end-all of kissing manuals... this is just an introduction. Remember, there are no RULES to kissing. Keep what you like, ignore what you don't. But also remember that kissing isn't just about YOU... it's about YOU TWO. As you read through these 'lessons,' please keep in mind that there are no hard and fast rules regarding kissing. Kissing is about as personal a pastime as there is, and hence each person will have their own style, philosophies, and 'moves.' At the same time, kissing is an EXERCISE IN COMPROMISE. Any kisser who is unwilling to adjust to their partner is... well... not a very good kisser. Good kissing is all about finding middle ground (and the negotiations can be a heck of a lot of fun!) No one is a good kisser by themselves... kissing requires cooperation and teamwork from BOTH PEOPLE. As soon as you forget that, you risk falling to the DARK SIDE OF KISSING. Setting and situation also have a great deal to do with successful kissing, and adjustments must be made in regards to these important elements. Only YOU can judge the various external and internal factors which affect what kind of kissing you are doing. Ignore them at your own risk... for a good kisser takes EVERYTHING into consideration. The best thing to remember when starting to kiss is to keep things simple. There is really no need to get carried away with strange and exotic techniques, nibbling, biting, groping, etc. etc. etc., especially when you're just starting out. A kiss is generally great no matter how basic, and everything else just adds things that can go wrong. Of course, everything else definitely has its place (and how!)... but it's really best to START SIMPLE. The Lips Talk about basic! Where else to start... but the lips? Talking about simple... where else to start than... The Lips! The most basic element of any kiss, in fact vital and inseparable from the act itself. There is no kissing without lips (ask your local chickens), so don't neglect them! On a physical level, take care of your lips. Chapped lips (while a great Custom E-kiss) are no fun at all to kiss. The same goes for rough, scabbed, or otherwise poor condition lips. Most of these conditions can be avoided through the use of a simple lip balm... find one that suits your preferences. Depending on what you like, you can get different flavors, varying degrees of healing and therapy, SPF (sunscreen) protection... the choices are endless. Use your chosen balm regularly, not just when you are expecting some kissing... it's just a good idea to take care of yourself. Also, try to avoid applying balm directly before kissing... slimy lips can be a turn off. Just make sure it's all absorbed before getting down to business... and your lips will be soft, supple, and oh-so-kissable. Once your lips are kissable, and you are in fact kissing... you still can't neglect them! The lips are the most basic and important element of kissing, and should be used to the best of their ability. Concentrate on feeling the friction between your lips, how your lips match up, and how you're moving them. This oft-overlooked element can add some real zing to your kissing. Just try to remember that the tongue is not the be-all and end-all of kissing... DON'T NEGLECT YOUR LIPS! Lots of great kisses are, in fact, all lips. Ever since the French pulled a Microsoft on the kissing market, tongues have gotten all the attention. Many terrible kissing experiences are a direct result of this over-reliance (and unskilled use of) the tongue. Certainly the tongue is important to kissing... after all, what beats a really good deep french kiss? But tongue use is something best eased into... and can easily be overdone. Even really good tongue kisses can benefit from some variety... usually of the lip-centered kind. Take a break from tongue lashing to nibble, caress, lick, and gently explore your partner's lips. Notice how good they feel against yours, and try different things to make them feel even better. Your lips the building blocks of great kissing... use them wisely (and often!) Kissing Exercise: Spend part or all of a kissing session concentrating on just your lips... no tongues allowed. Slowly slide your lips together, enjoying the subtle feeling of each other's skin. Lick, nibble, kiss each other's mouths... go slow, and really enjoy the sensations. This exercise should make you more aware of your lips, and will add a new layer to your kissing experience. The Eyes The windows to the soul... and the key to looking like a big fish. Get some peeper pointers... This aspect of kissing focuses on the age-old debate: What do I look at? Eyes open or closed? Do I look like a fish? I want to see if they are enjoying themselves... are they enjoying themselves? And on and on. Sadly, we can't really give you a definitive answer on this one. We do find it best to keep your eyes open at least while 'going in' for the kiss, to avoid unpleasant collisions or total misses. Though you can often play these off with lines like "No baby, I really meant to kiss your eyebrow" it's generally best to at least try to hit the lips. Once engaged, however, general decorum usually calls for closed eyes, at least for starters. You may find that eyes closed really helps you concentrate on other things, like the kiss itself . Eyes open is also a very viable option, however, and should not be dismissed out of hand. Open eyes may just be a way to sneak a peek at your kissing partner, whether to gauge their reaction, reassure yourself that yes, they really ARE that good looking, or any other reconnaissance. Eyes full open can also be intense, in sort of a spiritual connection, windows-to-the-soul sorta way. Like every other aspect of kissing, you'll have to find your own style... but for starters, eyes closed generally helps with precision and concentration, two of the most important aspects for new kissers. Head Movement Your noggin needs some attention too. Give it that 'sensitive bob' and read on... Head movement is definitely one of the more subtle aspects of successful kissing, but it can really add a great deal to the experience. Coordinating all the different moving parts of a kiss can seem pretty overwhelming, and it may help to you only think about one at a time. However, a really good kisser manages to get everything moving at the same time (lips, tongue, head, teeth) without any seeming effort. Each of these aspects should complement each other, allowing the kiss to be playful or passionate, coy or demanding, silly or serious at a moment's notice. Of course, like everything else, moderation is generally the key to success. Frantic head bobbing will only frighten and confuse your partner, which can lead to an unsuccessful kissing experience. Likewise, anyone who's ever seen an After-School Special can recognize the "I'm a really sensual guy who's really into this kiss so let's have sex now" overdone head movement... usually directly followed by a clumsy breast-grope. This just looks silly, and it breaks one of our cardinal rules of kissing: Kiss for the moment, not for what may come next. The best idea is generally keep movements constrained, especially at the beginning of a kiss (or the beginning of your kissing career)... a little can go a long way. Remember, everything should work together like a symphony, with you as the conductor. Coordination is the key. Mindset Your brain: Sure it got you here, now it's time to turn it off. Once into the kiss, the proper mindset has a lot to do with successful kissing. Too often, the mind starts racing ahead, wondering where the kiss is leading, worrying if everything is going right, and basically messing things up. The single most important thing to remember is to ENJOY THE KISS. This is what it's all about... the simplest and greatest of pleasures, the soft friction, the tender wetness... kissing is great. Possibly the greatest. So enjoy it. The best way to quiet the chattering brain is to simply concentrate on the moment of the kiss. Really feel what your mouths, lips, tongues, and bodies are doing. Kiss as if there is no moment outside of this, there are no people outside of the 2 of you. Trust us, your partner will be able to tell if you are really concentrating, and will appreciate it even if they aren't aware. Of course, kissing doesn't generally require the level of concentration necessary to bend spoons for example, and your partner may take that furrowed brow and bulging eyes as a sign you're not totally enjoying yourself. By concentration we mean really be INTO the kiss... don't be thinking about a lot of other stuff. Odds are, you've invested a lot of time and effort to get to this point... so ENJOY IT! Don't miss the moment... savor it. Once you're really into a kiss, you're probably already working toward that middle ground. Depending on how they kiss, the situation, how you kiss, etc., there are lots of factors going on. Just work on adjusting yourself a bit to fit to their style, while helping them adjust to yours. Lead by example... heck, the braver amongst us could just tell their partner what they like (just be sure to do it in a positive manner, or you could really ruin the mood.) Do what you like, and if you like something, let them know it. If you don't reward the good and discourage the bad, how will they ever learn? Kissing Exercise: One good way to help yourselves concentrate on the kiss is to try to read each other's thoughts (and not in a neurotic, annoying way) while kissing. Really try to see into your partner's mind, and attempt to make a connection. Don't necessarily expect to pick up images of the dog they had when they were three years old, but rather use this as a way to really concentrate on your partner. And the kiss. Feedback Communication is the key to good kissing... so don't skimp! We can't possible stress enough the importance of feedback... both giving and receiving. Feedback will allow you to adjust your kissing to find that optimal middle ground that we're shooting for. Basically, all we're looking for is a little communication... usually non-verbal, since your lips and (probably) tongue are busy doing other things. As we all know, communication is VITAL to any relationship... and this certainly applies to the relationship formed when kissing. Give and take are important, so PAY ATTENTION. It is the responsibility of both kissing Partner to give and receive feedback during the course of a kiss. This could be changes in breathing (panting, deep breathes, gentle whispers), small noises (moans, sighs, groans), or any other way to let your partner they are doing something right... or wrong, for that matter. This can be a tricky area, since you should be nice and relaxed, really into the kiss, and yet able to interpret what your partner is telling you. When you are relaxed and enjoying the kissing, it's generally best to let your small noises, panting, etc. happen as it may. We certainly are not saying to make up feelings that aren't there in the first place, but by all means don't hold back with those that are! As always, adjust this advice according to setting and situation. Picking up and interpreting your partner's feedback is just as important as being free with your own. If their breathing changes, they make contented little sighs, or anything that sounds encouraging, be aware of what you're doing at that time and either do it more or come back to it. If they happen to turn a light shade of blue and all panting ceases, then it might be time to ease off and allow some of what we call "breathing time." Kissing is for the both of you... which means you've got to do at least as much to please your partner as to please yourself. It's a tricky balance of giving and accepting pleasure... but with practice (especially with that special someone) it will become easier and easier. Breathing and Breath A good kiss should leave you a little short of breath... but not so much that you turn blue. How to breathe AND kiss successfully. When kissing, there is always one simple rule that must be obeyed: Remember to breathe!!! Oxygen, you may have noticed, plays a fairly important part in this whole "living" thing, so it probably shouldn't be neglected. Really good kisses, however, have the tendency to make one forget all that, as you'd rather keep kissing than take a break for stupid air. Rest assured, breathe a little now, and your kissing will go on a lot longer. The actual mechanics of breathing during kissing are up to various interpretations. Sometimes you can just rely on the old nose to do its duty, and breath through that. Sometimes (cold and flu season, for example), that's just not possible. Then it's time to get creative. As with everything else, it works out best if you can work it into the flow of the kiss. This is a great opportunity to give some feedback while taking care of your oxygen needs. Just take a break to pant a bit, or kiss their neck, or do a little 'lip dancing'... anything to break the seal of a deep kiss and fill those lungs. Breathing is important, so don't forget it. Bad Breath, the Bane of Kissing Of course, the downside of breathing is... Bad Breath. Bad breath has been the bane of kissing for as long as kissing has existed. At the very basic level, bad breath is caused by bacteria and other nasties that grow in your mouth... eliminate these, and you stand a good chance of eliminating bad breath. Luckily, there are many, many ways these days to conquer this scourge of romance. The first, and easiest, way to ensure nice breathe is regular tooth brushing. This is a daily habit you should have gotten into when you were about 3 years old... if you didn't, then get into it now! There is no place in our society for those who don't brush your teeth. Next in line is brushing's cousin, flossing. This is a little harder to get to, but equally important. This is also the sort of activity that will ensure you still have teeth when you're 68 years old. Dentures are NOT a barrier to kissing... but wouldn't you rather just take care of your real teeth now? Once daily maintenance is out of the way, it's on to washes, mints, and sprays. There are literally dozens of minty-tasting ways to ensure good breath... a quick trip to your local drugstore or health-and-beauty department will provide you with all you need. Breath improvers can be mints, minty sprays, mint drops, mouth wash, pills you swallow, even special toothpaste. Each of these work in their own special way, and have positive and negative aspects. Kissing, as with most mouth-related pasttimes, can be a water sport. Saliva is obviously inseparable from the mouth, so you've gotta learn to deal with it. And like many other aspects of kissing, spit control treads a fine line between ecstasy and awfulness. The one issue that comes up repeatedly on accounts of bad kisses is saliva control... or lack thereof. So get ahold of your spit! A good kiss should definitely be a little moist... nothing grows in the desert! An of course, if you're using your tongue at all, the kiss WILL be somewhat wet. This is fine. The trouble lies when "a little" turns into "a torrent." Very few people like to be doused with drool... especially early on in the kissing experience. So start fairly dry, getting a bit wetter as the kiss progresses. If you feel like there's entirely too much drool happening, just swallow some of it. Yes, you will swallow some of your partner's saliva. Sorry, but that's all part of kissing. A good trick is to work swallowing in with breathing... periodically take a 'breathe break,' and use the opportunity to do away with any excess spit. If you're really smooth, you can do it without even breaking stride... it just takes a little practice. Runaway drool is one thing, but licking all over someone's face is entirely another. We know VERY FEW people who like to be face licked... and this rude imposition also rates very highly in our 'Worst Kiss Stories' elements of a bad kiss. Unless you KNOW your partner likes a face-bath, restrain your tongue to the mouth/lips region. Licking during kissing, when done well, will cement your place among the "WOW!" kissers of all time... done poorly, it'll get you thrown on the kissing trash-heap lickety-split (or lickety-SPIT, as the case may be). So... be aware of your saliva. It is your friend. If things get too wet, dry them out a bit. Too dry, and you'll have to moisten them up. It's a fine line indeed... but one that comes with practice. As in all things, moderation is the key. Kiss Tempo Mastery of tempo will have you conducting an orchestra of kissing pleasure in no time... The tempo, or 'speed' of a kiss can greatly affect the overall character of the kiss. From intense need to slow enjoyment, it's all dictated by tempo. Generally speaking, the slower a kiss, the more romantic it is, while faster kisses tend to be more passionate. Changing tempo is vital aspect of good kissing... changing tempo smoothly and appropriately is a sign of a GOOD KISSER. When starting a kiss, the rule of thumb is to start slow. This just makes sense, and it lets everyone get used to the dynamics of that particular kiss. A slow start is a good introduction... and sometimes the kiss should just stay slow. Jumping into rapid tongue maneuvers can scare your partner, and is rude to boot. Athletes always warm up before moving onto serious play... why should kissing be any different? As the kiss gains intensity, though, the tempo should generally increase. This increase should be fairly gradual, and correspond to your partner's feedback. If they are obviously enjoying it, and seem to want to accelerate the whole experience, then up the tempo! Kiss a bit harder and faster, use your tongue a little more assertively... all the time gauging your partner's response. If they respond in kind, then you're on the right track. A very important thing to learn about kissing tempo is that variety is the spice of life. Kisses that stay the same speed throughout get boring (if you can believe a boring kiss!)... so keep things interesting. If you've got a fast a furious kiss going on, don't be afraid to slow it down a bit. Gently lick or nibble your partner's lips, kiss the corners of their mouth, or just gently brush your lips together. Once things are slow, speed them back up! The contrast is the important thing... tender kisses seem even more tender if they immediately follow a good tonsil lashing, and vice versa. Be careful not to go overboard with speed changes, but don't be afraid of them either. Variety IS the spice of life... and the spice of kissing as well. The Tongue and How to Use It The strongest and most flexible muscle in the human body... in more ways than one. Learn to use it for more than just eating and talking. Ah, the tongue... that warm, wet bit of muscle that can make or break a great kiss. Sure, all the elements of a kiss are important... but nothing quite moves a kiss to the next level like proper use of the tongue. Hopefully, this section will serve as an introduction to tongue-kissing (aka. French Kissing, Soul Kissing, Deep Kissing, Tonsil Hockey, etc.). Right now, we're not too worried about advanced techniques, but rather just getting the whole tongue-experience kicked (or is that licked?) off in the right direction. Getting Started Getting a good start is vital to a successful French kiss. This may sound redundant by this point, but of course the key is to START SLOW. Tongue kissing definitely should be eased into, especially if you and your partner haven't done too much of it. It's almost always a good idea to start off, at least at the very beginning, with some closed-mouth or even some open-mouthed, tongueless kisses. This is a great time to really get your lips warmed up (see the kissing school section on lips for some good tips.) Kissing is all about sensuality, so there's no need to rush into advanced spit-swapping right off the bat. Take your time, get comfortable, and relax a bit before moving on. Once you're ready to start using your tongue, it's best to signal your partner by opening your mouth a little bit and maybe darting your tongue out just a bit. Give their lips a tiny lick with your tongue, just a bit, so that they know what's going on. If they're ready to reciprocate, then generally they'll open their lips a bit as well, and maybe lick you back a little bit. This is a GOOD SIGN, and basically shows you it's ok to proceed. If you like, you can hang out in this 'light tongue action' zone for a bit... it can be VERY fun and VERY exciting, teasing each other's lips with your tongues, sharing each other's breathe, and basically letting the 'kissing energy' mount a bit. When you want to move into a little deeper kissing, basically just do more of the same sort of thing... just deeper. Use a little more of your tongue, and let the kisses last a little longer. The object here is NOT to see how much of your tongue you can fit into your partner's mouth! Trust us, we get TONS of Worst Kiss Stories about people ramming tongues down throats, licking all over faces, etc. YOUR TONGUE IS NOT A JACKHAMMER, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED AS SUCH! The key is to BE GENTLE and SENSUAL, especially at the beginning. What to Do Once You're There When you're in the midst of a French kiss, it may help to think of your tongues dancing together. Keep them moving in smooth, sensual movements. (Some people swear by spelling out the alphabet with their tongues. We generally find this too constricting and distracting. The idea is to find smooth, pleasing movements, and to vary them slightly to keep things interesting.) Caress your partner's mouth and tongue with yours, varying tempo and pressure. Like dancing, sometimes you want to take the lead, sometimes you want to be led. Sometimes you slip and fall on your butt. No matter what, kissing is something you're do TOGETHER... so don't forget it! To get the most out of a tongue kiss, concentrate on caressing their mouth and tongue with yours, and really feel what's going on in your mouths. If you ALWAYS have your tongue in their mouth, and they NEVER have their tongue in yours, then you're probably not cooperating as well as you could be. If one partner is always trying to ram their tongue out as far as they can, then this obviously takes away from the cooperation. French kissing is not a contest, it's not a power play, it's not an opportunity to dominate... it IS a chance for two tongues to dance and play together. Of course, some people are more shy, or more unsure of what to do, and will basically keep their tongue 'back' in their mouth. Don't worry about this... but try to encourage a more 'equal' situation (see the 'Kissing exercise' at the end of this section). As you get more comfortable, the French kiss should become more equal. As with all things, tell your partner what you like and want... even if it's just through signs and moans. Encourage behavior you like by complimenting it or just melting into it... they'll get the point sooner or later. Another important tip to ensure good tongue kissing is DON'T FORGET YOUR LIPS! Remember to keep them 'soft' and to be aware of what they are doing and what they are feeling. If you are opening your mouth way too wide, or getting too concentrated on your tongue, then your lips will start to 'stiffen up'... a key sign that you're off track. Keep your mouth open comfortably, keep your lips soft and pliable, and concentrate on ALL the sensations of the kiss. Just because you've added your tongues to the kiss doesn't mean you can forget everything else! Advanced Studies If you've read any of the other Kissing 101 lessons, you know that we preach VARIETY in this school! French kissing is no different. Once you've done a bit of tongue wrangling, back off a bit to concentrate on light lips kisses, or nibble gently on your partner's lips or neck. Interspersing varied, different bits of kissing skill throughout your session will ensure that it doesn't get boring... as well as letting you catch your breath, swallow some saliva, etc. Deep kisses will be all the more intense if coupled with light kisses, and vice versa. Contrasts are very noticable... as will be your kisses if you follow our advice! Some advanced tongue kissing moves might include caressing your partner's teeth... which can get pretty crazy when you're licking their molars, or running your tongue between their teeth and the inside of their lips. The longer the French kissing goes, generally the deeper the kisses get. This can be very passionate, but don't forget that people have to breathe now and then. Deep kisses are great when mixed in with not-so-deep kisses (VARIETY!). Once you and your partner are comfortable with each other, really take the time to explore each other's mouths. Kiss ssssslllloooowwww and fast, soft and hard, whatever. Pay attention to what you like, and what your partner likes. Remember that the tongue is not necessarily the be-all and end-all in kissing... it's just another tool to use toward great kisses. Use it wisely! Kissing exercise: Set aside some kissing time to kiss each other just as you would like to be kissed. Only one partner at a time may use their tongue. The 'giver' (using tongue) then kisses them however they like, while the 'receiver' (no tongue) just has to go along and pay attention. This is espcially helpful if you are having trouble meshing styles... by only allowing one person to do their thing at a time, it lets the other partner really concentrate on what they are doing, without being all caught up in what THEY are doing. Once you've done this for awhile, switch roles and let the other person have control. Remember that great kissing is an exercise in cooperation and compromise... so pay attention and use what you learn!