Peter Pan (SGC Style)


SYSTEM LORDS WERE HARMED DURING THIS PLAY

NO EGO'S WERE HARMED DURING THIS PLAY (WELL EXCEPT FOR JACKS)

MAJOR SAMANTHA CARTER as WENDY
MARTOUF/LANTESH as PETER PAN
JACK O'NEILL as JOHN
TEAL'C as TIGER LILY
DANIEL JACKSON as THE NARRATOR
APOPHIS as HOOK
THOR as MICHAEL
MAJOR SAMUELS as SMEE
ANISE/FREYA as TINKERBELL
KORRA, ALDWIN as THE LOST BOYS
CHRONOS, SETH as THE PIRATES
BRAYTAC, NAFRAYU as THE INDIANS
JANET FRASIER as WENDYS MOTHER
JACOB/SELMAC as WENDYS FATHER
MAYBOURNE as NANNA THE DOG
CHAKA THE UNAS as the crocodile

DANIEL: Ok people here we go!

MARTOUF: Once again Samantha thank you for letting us participate in one of your Tau'ri customs.

JACK: Marty give it a rest will ya? Daniel how did Marty get to be Peter Pan anyway?

DANIEL: You wanted to be John, besides you don't suit the roll of Peter anyway.

CHRONOS: Tau'ri, could you please hurry this along I have many planets to destroy!!!

JACK: Chill out Chronos, Danny boy just how did you get these system lords to help you?

SAM: Oh, we haven't even started yet and already you guys are arguing.

DANIEL: We are not arguing.

JACK: Yes we are.

DANIEL: No we aren't.

JACK: Yes we are.

DANIEL: No we aren't, oh whatever.... Anyway.

THOR: Greetings O'Neill.

JACK: Hi Thor buddy, how are ya?

THOR: I am fine O'Neill.

DANIEL: Ah Hum.. Any way John, Michael and Wendy were all playing in the nursery when their father came in a really bad temper, because he couldn't find his cuff links.

JACOB: Daniel do I really have to say this?

DANIEL: Yes Jacob its part of the script...by the way don't blame me it was Jack who wrote it.

JACOB: Ok.. Damn blast those stupid brats who have stolen my friggin' cuff links, I am going to make their asses look like they have been under the Abydos sun for too long.

DANIEL: Very good Jacob.. Then mother comes in and see's her husband looking for something.

JANET: Darling what are you looking for....By the way Jacob, have the Tok'ra given you your annual physical test yet?

APOPHIS: Tau'ri you are seriously trying my patience!!!!!!

JACK: Look here Lollipop, wait your turn like everybody else.

DANIEL: Jacob say your line quick before a fight breaks out between various cast members.

JACOB: These blasted brats of ours have stolen my cuff links, and if they don't give em back pronto I am going to offer them to Hathor as hosts.

TEAL'C: Hathor is back from the dead?

DANIEL: No Hathor isn't back from the dead Teal'c, its just we had to pick a system lord that has seriously threatened us.

APOPHIS: Tau'ri, are you implying that I am not threatening?!?!

JACK: Your not threatening, your just plain annoying.

SAM: Daniel just tell the story.

DANIEL: Ok, so mother says to the father.

JANET: Never mind dear, I am sure the children know where they are.

DANIEL: Very good Janet... go on Jacob.

JACOB: Yo! You stupid brats get your lazy asses here right now.

JACOB: Daniel, Selmac doesn't like me using all this profanity.

DANIEL: Ok Jacob, you can cut out some of the profanity... but please just say your next line because I don't like the looks that the system lords are giving each other.

JACOB: Yo children, have you seen my frig.. Um my cuff links.

DANIEL: Oh for Christ sake, Jack stop sulking and say your line.

JACK: Yes we have seen your cuff links father ... I saw Urgo come in here 5 mins ago and he twocked em.

DANIEL: Nice Jack.. But then father sees his vest covered in child's scribble.

JACOB: All right who has wrote mathematical calculations on my vest?

SAM: Opps that's my line sorry I got distracted for a sec... Why father I had to write my calculations somewhere.

DANIEL: Perfect Sam.... Jack will you quit knocking on Martouf's head.

JACK: I can't help it I am bored.. Can't we just skip to the part that Peter Pan comes, and I was only trying to wake Lantash up?

JACK; On second thought, can't we just skip the play altogether because I don't want Martouf to kiss Sam.

SAM: Well I do.. That's the only reason I am doing this stupid play.

MARTOUF: Why Samantha if you had wanted me to kiss you why did you not ask me... I would have been more than happy to oblige.

JACK: Yeah, sure you would.

THOR: O'Neill, could you please be quiet so that Doctor Jackson may finish this play.

JACK: Thor, just whose side are you on?

DANIEL: Ok fine Jack... bye Jacob, Janet see you in a few hours.

DANIEL: So....

MAYBOURNE: Hey, I haven't got to say my part yet.

JACK: Maybourne get out of here before I have you arrested for breaching the peace.

TEAL'C: Well then O'Neill you will also have to be arrested and so will the system lords.

SAMUELS: Nice one Teal'c.

JACK: Samuels, go lick senator Kinsey's boot's clean.

SETH: Can you please get on with it, I have to go cause trouble in the after life.

SAM: Seth if you don't pipe down I will kill you with Selmacs hand device again.

DANIEL: You'll have a job, Jacob took it with him when he left with Janet!

JACK: Why? What's Jacob going to do with Janet??

SAM: Shut up colonel, that's my dad and best friend that you are talking about.

MARTOUF: Selmac would never behave improperly towards women.

JACK: I don't know Martouf, all snakes are the same to me.

MARTOUF: If you are implying that I would force my self upon Samantha you are gravely mistaken.

ANISE: Why O'Neill, you were not complaining when I kissed you.

SAM: Oh, so it's all right for you and that trussed up trollop to get intimate, but Martouf and I aren't?

DANIEL: PEOPLE PLEASE!!!!! CAN WE JUST DO THIS PLAY WITHOUT ANY MORE INTERUPTIONS????

BRAYTAK: Human, we can not continue for the system lords have decided to congregate in the place you call bathroom.

TEAL'C: Master Braytak it is good to see you once again.

SAM: Teal'c can we hold the pleasantries till later... Braytak what exactly are the system lords doing in the bathroom?

BRAYTAK: I believe they were throwing silver coins down the porcelain bowl.

MARTOUF: Why would they do that?

BRAYTAK: Because O'Neill told them that the porcelain bowl was a magic wishing well, as well as telling them that it was customary to drink the water in it

SAM: Urgh!! That's gross... can we go and watch??

DANIEL: Sam!!!!

SAM: Fine, ok, can we get on with the play then??

DANIEL: Ok, so all of the children go to bed.

SAM: Good night.

THOR: Good night.

JACK: Stupid snake head.

DANIEL: Jack!!!!

JACK: Aw, man... good night.

DANIEL: Ok, Peter chased his shadow through an opened window and into a nursery. The shadow eluded peter many times causing peter to fall and hit his head

JACK: Great now Lantesh should be awake

DANIEL: Jack I mean it! You insult Martouf once more and you are out of this play, do you understand me?

JACK: FINE!!!!!!!

DANIEL: Fine. Ok, Martouf say your line.

MARTOUF: Ow, I hurt my head why that stupid shadow.

DANIEL: Excellent Martouf. Jack stop sniggering.... Sam now say your line.

SAM: Boy why are you crying?

MARTOUF: Samantha I assure you I am very much a man and not a boy.

SAM: Prove it.

MARTOUF: Lantash and I would like nothing more than to throw you down right here and take you.

JACK: Yo, Marty, don't even think about it, because I will come over there and send your two eyed snake back to the jungle from where he came from.

SAM: Well at least Martouf's snake has two eyes were as yours only has one!

JACK: Carter ... how could you say that... Danny stop laughing it isn't funny.

DANIEL: Ah hum, sorry Jack any way .... Wendy offers to sew Peters shadow back on for him

SAM: Peter if you come sit on my bed I will sew your shadow back on for you.

DANIEL: Good Sam... then Michael and John wake up and demand to know who the strange boy is.

THOR: Who is this boy?

DANIEL: That's great Thor keep it going.

MARTOUF: I am Peter Pan from Never Never Land... what have I never to do?

JACK: Sleep with certain air force majors.

SAM: Right that's it, I don't care if I get thrown out for hitting a superior officer.

DANIEL: Sam please, we need you to be Wendy ... if you like I could add a bit to the script were you get to hit John, that way you don't get thrown out for hitting a superior officer, because after all you will be hitting Jacks character John.

JACK: Daniel!!

DANIEL: Soz... go on Thor.

THOR: I would very much like to see this Never Never Land.

MARTOUF: So you shall, Tinkerbell come and sprinkle some nishta over my three new friends.

JACK: We won't be in the service of Seth again will we?

TEAL'C: No, as Jacob has said once before once you get infected with nishta you cannot be reinfected.

JACK: Thanks Teal'c.

JACK: Who is Tinkerbell anyway?

DANIEL: Freya!

SAM: I am sure she will make her breast attempt at it.

SETH: Tau'ri, the water in the porcelain bowl was most refreshing.

DANIEL: Ok people, please Freya come and throw some magic nishta over Sam, Jack and Thor.

FREYA: I would be delighted.

SAM: Yeah, sure you would.

DANIEL: SAM!

JACK: SAM!

DANIEL: Ok, so Tinkerbell has thrown some magic nishta over Wendy, John and Michael. Peter takes Wendy by the hand and climbs onto the window ledge.

JACK: Martouf don't you dare do anything else except hold Sams hand.

DANIEL: Good, that's great Martouf, just ignore Jack, then Peter tells the children to think of a happy thoughts.

THOR: I am thinking of overthrowing the replicators.

SAM: I am of thinking of .... I think I best keep it to myself.

JACK:I am thinking of planting Martouf outside with the begonias.

DANIEL: Jack, this is your very last chance, I mean it!!!!!!!!

JACK: Well that thought makes me very happy.

DANIEL: Fine fine... Michael, Wendy, and John fly out of the window after Peter. They take several turns and fly to Never Never Land. Ok, Tinkerbell who is very jealous of Wendy goes and tells the lost boys that Wendy is bird to be shot down by order of Peter Pan

JACK: Korra! Aldwin get your snaky.... Ah you're here.

DANIEL: Korra say your line.

KORRA: Very well doctor Jackson ... we will shoot down this Wendy bird what does she look like?

FREYA: She is wearing a green camouflage dress. She has blonde feathers.

SAM: At least I can honestly say that blonde is my natural hair colour, unlike you Freya.

DANIEL: Sam!!.. Ok, Aldwin, now say your line,

ALDWIN: I think she is approaching now, aim your zat gun Korra.

DANIEL: They shoot Wendy and she begins to fall, luckily Peter catches her in his arms.

SAM: Thanks Mart..I mean Peter.

MARTOUF: You are most welcome Samantha.

DANIEL: Ok that's great.. We will skip the next part and go straight onto the part where Peter takes Wendy to see the mermaid lagoon.

DANIEL: Is that ok with everyone?

JACK: Yeah Danny, can we just get on with it cos there is a hockey game on down the sports centre and I said I would referee it.

TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson we have no mermaids so how may we proceed with the play?

JACK: We have some Goa'uld symbiotes, we will just use them.

TEAL'C: Is that not extremely dangerous for major Carter?

SAM: Teal'c, Martouf won't let anything happen to me.

DANIEL: Ok, Peter takes Wendy to mermaid lagoon to see the symbiotes!

SAM: Oh peter, thanks for bringing me here.

MARTOUF: You are most welcome saman....Wendy.

DANIEL: OK, so while Wendy and Peter are touring mermaid lagoon the lost boys, John, and Michael have been jumped in the forest by the Indians.

KORRA: It would appear that Indians surround us.

BRAYTAK: BE quiet Tok'ra, we will now take you to our tepee.

CHRONOS: Tau'ri I grow seriously impatient with this melodrama!!!

SAM: I thought I warned you Chronos, zip it until its time for you to say your lines.

DANIEL: Thanks Sam, the Indians take their captives back to their tepee.

JACK: Yeah, Danny I am not sure if you have noticed but we appear to be one Indian short!!

DANIEL: Has anybody seen Nafrayu?

SAM: Yes, he called about an hour ago to inform us that that the Nox need him and he won't be available till later.

DANIEL: fine fine, Braytac takes the lost boys and Wendy's brother to his tepee.

DANIEL: Meanwhile, back to Wendy and Peter, they see Hook and Smee in a boat with Tiger Lily.... Teal'c could you please tell those system lords to stop eating the symbiotes!!!

TEAL'C: I have tried Doctor Jackson.

DANIEL: Oh whatever!!!!! Pops.. I mean Apophis could you please say your line.

APOPHIS: SHOLVA!! Tell me where I could find that Tok'ra scum !!!!!????

TEAL'C: Never you are a false god... I mean humph.

JACK: Ok, so Hook ties Tiger Lily to a rock and begins to row away...

DANIEL: OY, Jack you thick ##**... I am the narrator here not you, so shut up and wait your turn !!!

JACK: Danny I am seriously bored here!!!!!

SAM: Err children, could we PLEASE get on with the play. Martouf and I have to go screw.

JACK: Martouf why I am going to kill you !!!!!!!!!!!!

DANIEL: JACK FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU JUST KNOCK IT OFF, AND SIT YOU ASS DOWN SO THAT WE CAN END THIS PLAY !!!!!!!!!!.

APOPHIS: TAU'RI...

JACK: SHUT UP DUH!!!!!!!!.

DANIEL: Hook and Smee row away in their boat. Peter see's Tiger Lily and swoops down to save her from certain doom!!!.

MARTOUF: I will save you from the evil Hook .... Um, Daniel Jackson I do not have to carry Teal'c do I?

DANIEL: No Martouf just help him up. JACK: BORING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DANIEL: From now on Jack, we are going to pretend that you are not here, which you shouldn't be, you're supposed to be tied to the totem pole. LOOK BECAUSE OF YOUR DISTRAcTING ME I MISSED THE PART WHERE PETER AND HOOK FIGHT, NOW JACK, FOR GODS SAKE GO AND TIE YOURSELF TO THE TOTEM POLE AND GAG YOURSELF IF IT'S POSSIBLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

SAM: Daniel, just skip the fight scene and lets just fly to the Indian reservation.

DANIEL: Yeah, ok Sam... Peter, Wendy and Tiger Lily all go to see the Indian chief. Meanwhile, at the reservation the lost boys John, and Michael are being interrogated.

NAFRAYU: Please tell us where princess Tiger Lily is, or we will shower you with rose petals.

JACK: Nafrayu, its great to see ya..... I mean I don't know where Tiger Lily is.

DANIEL: Just then Peter arrives, err, with Tiger Lily.

TEAL'C: Father I am fine, Peter saved me from that evil Hook.

DANIEL: Swell, go on Martouf... Um, where have the system lords gone I haven't heard a peep out of them for a while?

MARTOUF: I have rescued your daughter ... I think the system lords have taken to their sarcophagus'. Apparently they are ill.

DANIEL: Great, I just hope they are well enough do their scene. Sorry the chief cuts John, Michael, and the lost boys lose and they have a gigantic party. I am going to have to change the plot a little her Sam, Cos we haven't got a Sioux.

SAM: Daniel that's fine just hurry up.

DANIEL: Good, so Wendy gets fed up of Tiger Lily flirting with Peter that she leaves and heads back to hang mans tree.

JACK: So Marty has finally shown his true colours.

DANIEL: John spills his drink all over Wendy so she hits him.

SAM: AT FRIGGIN' LAST.... THUMP.

JACK: Ow!!!

DANIEL: Sam, satisfied now, just say your line.

SAM: Ok fine, Peter that's the way you wanna play it I am off, see ya.. Hey Daniel, the system lords are back, yippee now we can finally finish this farce of a play.

JACK: This is the last time that you are the narrator Daniel.

DANIEL: Yeah, well the last time you were the narrator you had Sam be the mate of the evil Grusalag, whatever that is.

JACK: Well she had it coming.

SAM: Sir, shut up puhhlease.

TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson, I think it would be very wise if you were to end this play extremely quickly.

DANIEL: Your right Teal'c, the lost boys, John, and Michael all return from the party and are listening to Wendy telling a story... oh, and Tinkerbell has been captured by Hook who is questioning her about Peters secret base.

APOPHIS: At last Tau'ri!!. Tok'ra scum, tell me where I can find your secret base.

ANISE: I cannot tell you that Apophis, but I will show on that map.

DANIEL: Great Anise keep it going.

APOPHIS: You have been very forth coming, pirates lock her in my room and get the bomb.

DANIEL: Now that Hook has the information he needs he has decided to sneak up on hang mans tree, capture Wendy, John, Michael, and the lost boys and leave a bomb for Peter.

APOPHIS: Kree SETH, CHRONOS, go and capture the Tok'ra scum.

CHRONOS: I do not take orders from you.

SAM: This is the very last time that I am going to say this Chronos, DO AS YOU ARE FRIGGIN TOLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

JACK: Wow, Carter I like a woman who is forceful.

MARTOUF: O'Neill keep your hands off of my love.

JACK: Why, what ya gonna do to me?

DANIEL: For Christ's sake Jack just knock it off!

BRAYTAK: Human, I have not got all day, I have to go and train some warriors.

DANIEL: So, Hook sends his pirates and Smee to capture the children, and don't bother to say your line we will just skip to the part where Wendy and all the boys want to go home.

SAM: Come on guys lets go home.

MARTOUF: Please stay with me.

SAM: No peter, I have to go home.

DANIEL: Excellent Sam, so they all climb out of hang man's tree only to be apprehended by Smee and the pirates, and they are dragged off to Hook's ship.

SAM: You miserable snake, get your hands off me

JACK: Get off me now.

THOR: Release me, or you will feel the Asguard wrath.

KORRA: I will tell you nothing.

ALDWIN: Ladies first.

SAM: ALDWIN?????

JACK: Samuels, get your ass in here and say your line before I tell Kinsey that I saw you licking his wife's shoes.

SAMUELS: Please don't do that O'Neill... take the prisoners to Hook's ship and make sure you give O'Neill extra rations.

SAM: I am gonna tell Kinsey.

SAMUELS: Give major Carter extra rations as well.

DANIEL: Everyone goes back to the ship. Tink manages to free herself and goes to warn Peter.

ANISE: Peter, Peter, don't open the package, it's a bomb.

DANIEL: Peter opens the package and it explodes. Back on the ship, Hook makes Wendy walk the plank.

APOPHIS: Tau'ri/Tok'ra walk the plank.

SAM: I am not afraid of you

DANIEL: The lost boys just stand there knowing that Wendy will drown or crocky will eat her.... Chaka say your line.

CHAKA: KA KA.

DANIEL: Very nice Chaka.. So, Wendy walks the plank, Hook and the people on the ship wait for the splash but it doesn't come... will someone thump Jack he's snoring!!!. No don't Sam.

JACK: How about we cut to the chase.

DANIEL: Fine, Peter saves Wendy and puts her safely on deck, then he fights with the pirates. YADA, YADA, they all live happily ever after.

SAM: Yeah, Martouf you can kiss me now.

MARTOUF: Samantha come here.

JACK: I am going now, see ya.

JACOB: I can see your finished Martouf, will you get your tongue out of my daughters mouth so that I can invite her to dine with us this evening.

SAM: Sure, I would love too.

DANIEL: Thanks everyone for participating

THOR: WHEN IS THE NEXT PLAY?

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THOR!!!!!

THE END

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