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SUICIDE DISCOVERIES
Fuck all the Pussyfooting around this "Unaliving" business....Let's get down to brass tacks
I have tried to take my own life around 7 different times since I was about age 9. At 11, I drank oxyclean, at 12 I tried to run away from home and take a "sink or swim" approach to living with hopes to sink through starvation or adverse fate. At 13, I stared down a Train on a Bridge and managed to get away somehow before it hit me. At 22 I tried to work myself to death. At 27 I lightly tried to overdose on Vicodin during a Kidney Stone - the hope was either to resolve the pain or die. At 29 I tried to roll over my car on a median - despite being a notoriously roll-over-able vehicle, it stayed on all 4 tires. At 32 I ate an entire card of nyquil and downed it with mouthwash - all that happened was I blacked out on the toilet for about six hours shitting white foam while my wife was in a Vodka induced nap. At 40, I tried to overdose on ADHD medicine (not mine) - I probably came close, but still failed.

And I learned through all this? Dying is FUCKING Hard. Especially without a gun. Seriously, all the other shit I've put my body through, how the hell I don't look like a haggard 90 year old at 41 surprises me. And you know what, nobody sent me to a mental ward, nobody got me "help", nobody told me to stop except people who cared about their OWN lives, and nobody gave a shit. The only things I've learned through suicide attempts, is the human body is an amazing machine, being committed is not very likely, hell, my own spouse attempted suicide and only served 6 hours of a 72 hour hold! I had to manically and frantically tell the nurse about what she had put me through to get her ANY fucking treatment, and the treatment she got, was fuck-all helpful in the long run. Aside from a gun or knife, I don't think I'm going, and the thing that keeps me from those two, is not the fact that I will die, but the fact we don't actually, scientifically, KNOW how long suffering will APPEAR to a person dying from a stab wound or a gunshot to the brain. For all we know Kurt Cobain was still partially functioning for hours after his last moments - horrific thought, huh? Maybe all those decapitations in France in the 1600s via Guillotine meant people got to lay on the ground, dirt in their eye, for hours, in pain, suffering even mores in life. That's why I have a saying now - living is as hard as dying. Seriously, if I'm going to go by my own, it'll be Hypothermia, but you know what's fucked about that one - I will STILL Survive. I've literally been out in the snow, asleep, hiding from my alcoholic spouse for hours, with no heat, no blanket, in a crappy hoodie, and some-the-fuck how despite it being below freezing, I managed to escape unscathed with all my limbs 100% functional.

This is why I'm a staunch antinatalist. I believe the true resolution to a shitty life - is to not bring life into the world in the FIRST FUCKING PLACE. And it's a basis as to why I'm also a misanthrope. We human beings, all high and mighty with our skyscrapers, cars, computers, freeways, jobs, and everything else, think we're all high and mighty, but the truth is, all this stuff intended to "make life easier" has just added more shit that's made life more expensive and even harder. Hell, even the concept of MONEY ITSELF is making our lives fucking miserable! Humans were not designed to live in cement condos following some form of "Social Order" rotely for a century - we were designed to be animals, eat, sleep, fuck, hunt, procreate, and die - like animals, like your house cat! Not live for 100 years, "comfortably" in a world full of constant, stress, drama, lost sleep, addictions, commitments, fulfillments missed, and disappointment. I think breeders are some of the biggest hypocrites on this earth, they talk in total sanctimony about their "job" as a "parent" - yet to me, it seems most of them take it about as seriously as their plans to join the government or form a rap group as a kid! And just like those dead dreams, out pops another dead end kid that the legislators give us bullshit about suicide and dying to keep us alive for their silly little holy and financial wars with people who don't share the same views and/or skin color as they do. You're just another soldier, another "unit" in a platoon to be used - like a Jeep, or a Bomber plane, just another "tool" for war. And of course, if you took a look around, if the people who died for our so-called "Freedom" saw things from the other side....I'm not so sure they would not be spinning fast enough to provide a CPU clock for Bill Gate's own Quantum Computer!

So yeah, I'm stuck here. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

But people are OFFENDED by the word "Suicide", they are "Triggered" by it. Fuck you. I'm offended every goddamn day by all sorts of shit you fucking monkey-brains spew. And you know what, I just let you fucking morons show how stupid you are. Let's me know who to listen to. I'm going to say "Suicide" not "un-alive" not "no longer here" - but Suicide, because that's what it is. Sure, I'm an insensitive prick, guess what, I don't care. Never really did TBH. Once upon a time, I might have subscribed, but I've gotten so used to people not liking shit about me, I'm fine if they never like me, not my monkeys, not my circus. I'm not in charge, and there's a 1st Amendment in my country that grants freedom of speech and freedom of the damn press - so I intend to use it, and fuck those PMRC-like "Decency Laws" - where's the Dee Snyder guy and his College Rule notes? We really need him right now!

Truth is, people want to die, we're tired of being alive. But dying is a hard proposition, and unofficialized methods are not proven to be peaceful or grant us immediate peace like we'd want. People only want to help the elderly on this front, but forget about us younger people who were born to parents who did not want us, did not raise us right, had substance abuse issues, gave us genetic problems that are quality-of-life-hindering, could not afford us, where we entered an adulthood where we cannot afford transportation, food, housing, basic internet, or a house of our own. Yeah, just forget about us, and tell us to stop drinking the Starbucks we don't buy because we can't afford, or the Avocado toast we hate that costs more than the fucking Wonderbread we're making "Garlic Bread" out of with a jar of garlic salt. If you want us to live, then give us an actual, real, feasible opportunity for life worth living, with healthcare workers - Dentists included - who take their hippocratic oaths as seriously as a game of Hungy Hungry Hippos. With companies that actually provide the services they advertise, and not some half-assed representation of what they try to sell us as the standard when it's the "elite" package for the rich people. Give us a REASON to pay for your overpriced, brainwashing, shit-fest of an Education system that teaches people to be obedient slaves rather than critical thinkers and hell raisers.

We are lead around by various carrots like sex, drugs that will make us feel good, alcohol, more material possessions we don't need but want because it's "new shiny stuff", and when we get those things, we find out, 9/10, that they are not worth the price of admission that we spend on them. That's why guys are quitting dating, that's why musicians have stopped obsessing so much over gear, that's why people like me are writing websites like this. We're tired of bullshit. We're tired of trying to fill an empty void of boredom, loneliness, and horniness with useless shit.

And God, Allah, Jesus, and all that other fucking shit is the same thing. The "Big Carrot" we all chase, that we will all die and go to some magical kingdom in the clouds where all the women are naked and the men are all smart and wear a tie, and god's kingdom will give us an eternal party with no consequences. When in reality, we probably all - at best - become balls of energy in a non-judgmental, potentially isolated place of nothingness - and that latter is far more relaxing and chill to me than the idea of any celestial party in the heavens full of porn and nerds. There is no heaven, there is no hell, just a universe beyond human life that nobody human understands, or may even have the tools or capacity to fully understand (at least not yet), that's what SCIENCE is currently for. But that's a subject for another day.

So yeah, I'm here, I'm not happy, I'm angry, depressed, and tired of the people around me to a large degree. I honestly, have just given up, and plan to float through life until the end, and let it consume me. And in the end, when I'm dead - I don't care what happens, because I'm dead. But since the cost for dying is too high for me to consume....either $200 in an Exit-Bag setup with the chance of killing others in the process, or risking a long, painful death with a gun - I'd rather just hang around and piss people off for as long as I can. Seems like I'll leave more lasting damage that way.