I Don't Know You Anymore

I would like to visit you for a while, get away
And out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.
We can go sit on your back porch, relax,
Talk about anything it don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

But was that ever going to happen now? She can pretend we're old friends all she wants but things are just never going to be the same now. It's been years since she retired from slaying, the new Slayer was summoned and for a while I helped her too, but she wasn't Buffy. Nobody else ever would be. We fought side by side for so long and then we fought against each other because I wasted all the affection I could give on a child who wasn't old enough to know what love really was. Things were said, and the worst thing was that it was the man in me that said those hurtful things, and not the demon.

There he is now. Her new man, Riley Finn. I wonder if I will ever think of her as Buffy Finn? Probably not. Was it his idea or hers to invite Cordelia to the wedding, knowing she'd bring me with her. But I couldn't have stayed away, to see Buffy as I once dreamed I'd see her - but in my dream, it was me standing beside her at the altar.

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name.
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain,
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

So that's why I'm here. That's why I told Buffy when she called the office that I'd come over and see their new house. She wants to patch it up, she wants us to be friends and for me and Riley to get on. Every time I see the man I want to snarl, sometimes maybe I do, involuntarily. Sometimes the demon inside me knows what's best even when I don't. Get away from the city, she said. Come see me - we're up on the coast, beautiful night breezes. The break will do you good. So I did. Why? Because I'm a damned fool. Because even after she ripped my heart and soul out and acted like I'd never existed when I left her, because I had to stop hurting her, I still loved her. I'll always give Buffy another chance, I'd put myself through anything for her.

Springtime in the city always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow is more lonely that cold if you know what I mean,
Everyone's got an agenda don't stop
Keep that chin up you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been are you still the same
Has your opinion changed?

It makes Cordelia sick to see me like this. When I go back to her I'll be as bad as I was seven years ago when I first left for LA. Things are still the same in my mind, I couldn't move on. The weather won't do me any harm, but when it snows I'll walk alone, maybe I'll think or maybe I'll just try and block the pain out. Sometimes it's so cold my lips are blue when I come home, and Cordelia wants to sit me down and give me coffee and brandy, but I can't let anyone be that good to me. It's not the cold, it's the emptiness there'll always be. Before she was married, I thought maybe we could grow back together - I thought one day Buffy would have me back. One day when she was old enough she would change her mind. No more chances. I have to stop running, I know I did wrong but it's time to make it right again. It's time to try and move on.

I know I let you down again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I paid the price, I'm still paying for it every day
So maybe I shouldn't have called is it too soon to tell
Oh what the hell, it doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

With Buffy happily settled down, Willow and Tara together, Oz touring with the band, Xander and Anya off in the Caribbean, Spike back with Drusilla and not doing any harm - yes, everyone but me settled and content - maybe it's time I did make that call. After all, there's one person apart from me who doesn't feel whole, and who shuts herself up just like I do because she doesn't have anyone and she never really has had. Tonight I'll call her - before she comes in to work I'll tell her how I feel. That way she can make her decision. Seven years ago she was a beautiful May Queen of eighteen, and she's only got more lovely as the years went by. They say we don't change but she sees it in my face that we do.... the care and the pain have left their mark. Even if it's barely noticeable, I'm ageing from the hurt. It's time to end it. In the end, it's not Buffy's face I want to see. Buffy lied to me, she hurt me and she knew she was doing it. Buffy was deceitful and unfaithful. It's my own shallowness that led me to Buffy anyway - for one, I missed my beautiful blonde Darla, and it's completely possible to still be on the rebound 100 years later. Also, she was the first woman I'd seen after I'd recovered from my massive nervous breakdown, and that's almost guaranteed to affect you.

Cordelia has never been anything but painfully honest, and I respect that. She respects honesty in return - she even respects the fact that my demon alter-ego is honest with her. She doesn't see other men - she always says they just don't have what she's looking for, I don't know what that means but I hope whatever she wants that I have it. after all is said and done, I could be happy if I could hear her say she feels the same way, because Cordelia has more dignity, more love to give, more heart than Buffy ever could have had. She won't hurt me. It's about time I made that call, so I know I can see her face.