For those of you who know the Father Ted comedy series, here is a script for a Father Ted Angel episode!
|
Opening shot
Cordelia is sitting at her desk in Angel's office sorting through the mail when she notices an airmail letter addressed to Angel from Ireland. As she opens it Angel comes out of the elevator, slamming the grate open and walks into the office. Angel: Anything new on the work front? Cordelia: This could be something (hands Angel the letter) (Letter is from an Irish law firm O'Reilly, Murphy and Quinn which reads as follows: "We are the executors of the estate of Father Ted Crilly and after an extensive search we have discovered that you are the only surviving relative and are therefore soul beneficiary to the inheritance of his fortune and home as disclosed in his will. You are required to travel to Craggy Island in order to settle the estate. Please find enclosed a key for the house.) Angel: Phone the docks Cordelia and see if there are any ships leaving for Ireland. I need to settle some legal matters regarding a will. Cordelia: A will? Who died? Angel: Apparently I am the last surviving relative of a priest and therefore will inherit his estate. Cordelia: Inherit? You mean money right? (At that moment Doyle walks into the office) Doyle: Did you just say money? Cordelia: Some Irish priest just died and Angel gets his money. Angel: I will be gone for a few days while I settle things. Do you think you can hold the fort while I am gone? Cordelia: Sure, its dead on the client front. Hey why don't we come with you? Doyle and I deserve a vacation and there's not alot to do around here to keep us entertained. Doyle: I ain't flying nowhere Cordelia: Who said anything about flying? (picks up the phone and dials the docks) Hello? Yes I was wondering if you have any ships leaving for Ireland? (pauses) You have one leaving tomorrow? Great! Would you have room for 3 passengers? We can make it worth your while (Angel glares at Cordelia) Excellent - we will see you at sunset tomorrow. Bye. (replaces the receiver) Well boys its settled - we're off to Ireland! Angel: This is not what I had planned. Doyle: Ah come on, it'll be fun! Angel: Very well as I seem to have been out voted I better go and pack. Cordelia: Woo hoo! Scene ends with Angel heading back towards the elevator BREAK Cut to the docks at night. We see Angel,Cordelia and Doyle walking away from a large ship. Cordelia: At last, solid ground. I didn't think the trip would ever end. Angel: You get used to it when the alternative can result in bursting into flames. Doyle: So what happens now? Angel: I have to meet the solicitors at 1 PM tomorrow at a pub called O'Neils to discuss the will. We will need to hire I car with a large boot for us to get about in during the day. Cut to Angel, Cordelia and Doyle walking through a row of shops. They enter the car hire centre and walk up to the counter where an assistant is sitting. The assistant looks up as he sees them approach. Assistant: Good afternoon, how can I help you? Doyle: We need to hire a set of wheels. Angel: Something with a large boot preferably. Doyle: Er something like that will do (points to a Ford Mondeo) Assistant: Certainly sir, how long will you require it for? Cordelia: Oh that's a good question Angel: A couple of days will probably be enough. Assistant: OK if you'd like to fill in the form with your details and sign it at the bottom. Angel fills in the form then takes the keys. They all get into the car and drive off to Father Ted's house. In the next scene we see the car pull up outside the house and Angel, Cordelia and Doyle get out of the car and walk to the door and enter the house. Angel: Home sweet home Cordelia: Eww what century is this dump trapped in?! Doyle: Ah go on, its homely. Angel: Well it saves on hotel fees. Cordelia and Doyle walk into the living room while Angel goes upstairs to check out the sleeping arrangement. A few minutes later he comes back downstairs after we see him discover there are only 2 bedrooms. As he walks into the living room Cordelia and Doyle look up. Angel: Well the good news is there are beds upstairs, but the bad news is there are only 2 bedrooms so someone needs to share. Doyle: (Eyes light up) I'll share with Cordy Cordelia: No way buster, I'll sleep ALONE in one room and you and Angel can share. Angel: Stop bickering you two - we will go with Cordelia's suggestion. Cordelia: Ha! I win! Doyle mutters under his breath but reluctantly agrees and they all head to bed It's the following day. Cut to Angel sitting inside the pub talking to the solicitors about the will. Solicitor: As discussed in our letter you are the sole beneficiary of the late Ted Crilly's estate. You inherit his home here on Craggy Island and his £12 million pound fortune he won on the lottery. Sadly it was the shock of winning that killed him. We will need you to sign these documents in order for us to transfer the funds to your account and the deeds of the property into your name. Angel signs all of the necessary documents Angel: This calls for a drink - Barman, 2 pints of Guinness please. Cut to Cordelia tapping her foot impatiently, leaning on the car outside the pub. Doyle is inside the car. Cordy: Why is it taking so long to get in touch with his Irish side?! Doyle: well you know Princess, you can't hurry good Guinness.. it's like a woman. You have to be slow and.. Cordy: Too much detail! They both wait a little while longer, before Cordy turns and slaps the roof of the car with her palm, making Doyle jump and flash into demon face very quickly before regaining his composure. Cordy: We're going in to get him. Doyle: We're not. Cordy: Why not?! He's been in there for over two hours! I'm going to - ARGH! As she turns back to get Angel from the bar, she spins straight into him leaning on the hood of the car, swaying gently. He gives her a loopy smile. Doyle gets out of the car and walks around to see what kind of a mess Angel's made of himself. Angel: Itsh been wwaaaaay tooo loong sinsh I diid that..... Doyle: And tomorrow night, you'll wish it was longer, c'mon now take me arm we'll get you home. Cordelia is just standing, mouth open, as she's never seen Angel drunk before and it's an amusing sight. Angel lunges to hug her, but Doyle moves faster and catches him with both arms around his chest Doyle: (struggling with Angel's full weight) Get in the driver's seat princess, I'll sit in the back with Dead Weight lad here. Angel: Ahh Wiish I waaash, In Carric Feargus, only for a night in baaalllygowern...... Cordelia: Excuse me.. Is he singing?! Doyle: I think he's meant to be, I don't see any cat's being drowned. Angel: Ahh Werld swim overr, the deepesht osc..ooocccccheeeAN.. the deepest... uhhmm.. thing, wet thing.. for myy lurve te find... but the shee is wyde, ahnd I carhnaert swchim over.. nar have ay thar wingsh te flyy.. Cordelia jumps in the front seat while Doyle opens the back door and struggles with Angel, who is still singing. He has him hanging by his lapels and tries to insert him headfirst into the back seat. Eventually he succeeds, and struggles into the car himself by the other door, wrestling himself in with Angel's head resting on his lap. Doyle:(Panting) Well now... all set. Homeward bound, darlin'? Cordy: You're graveward bound if you call me "darlin'" like that again, mister! Angel: (mumbling with his eyes closed) Make shhhure you schrew the lid on tight,....... the locushtss will eshcape... Doyle: Oh we'll do that, don't you worry.. why don't you just.. He sees that Angel has passed out and shrugs Doyle:.. why don't you just pass out in me lap? When the gang reach the Parochial house Cordy takes the feet and Doyle takes the head. They drag Angel upstairs, managing to bang his head on every corner, and leave him in his own bed in the recovery position. He's talking in his sleep and Cordy looks down at him in disgust. Cordy: And I thought It was just you Doyle: What?! Cordy: The drinking, the singing, the snoring, the hugging.. Doyle: No! It's an Irish guy thing..... She throws up her hands and roll of eyes as she makes her way to her own room. Doyle looks glum, and settles down in the chair at the end of Angel's bed. Doyle: 'Night sleeping beauty. Sweet dreams... He looks at Angel, who's smiling sweetly in his sleep with both hands clasped under his head. Doyle: What am I saying - the amount of Guinness you've had, you've no choice on the sweet dreams front. He sighs and eventually falls asleep himself. BREAK The next scene shows Angel, Cordelia and Doyle asleep with what looks like smoke above them which disappears into each of their mouths. Doyle wakes with a jolt and heads for the kitchen on a mission to make tea for everyone. Angel wakes up looking dreadful and starts shouting and Cordelia gets up and is all confused (They have been possessed by Father Dougal, Father Jack and Mrs Doyle the previous occupants of the house) Doyle comes up the stairs with a tray with cups of tea and walks in on Cordelia Doyle: Cup of tea father? Cordelia: No thank you Mrs. Doyle Doyle: Ah go on. Cordelia: Oh very well (takes a cup off the tray and drinks it) Meanwhile in the next room Angel is crashing around with a monster hangover after sobering up. Doyle enters the room with the tray of tea. Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea? Angel: FECK OFF CUP!!!! Angel: DRINK! Doyle drags Angel down to his chair in the living room and hands him a bottle of Whiskey to keep him quiet. Cordelia walks into the room with a puzzled look on her face Cordelia: Have you seen Father Ted Mrs. Doyle? He seems to have disappeared. Mrs Doyle: Ah well, I'll put the kettle on for some tea in case he returns. (Walks out of the living room and into the kitchen) Cut to outside where we see Wesley Wyndham Pryce who since being thrown out of the Watchers Council has become a 'rogue' demon hunter. After hearing rumours of a house possessed by the ghosts of the previous occupants, 3 priests and their housekeeper, he decides to investigate. He sneaks through the front door and hears voices coming from the living room so tiptoes to the door and peers inside. He is surprised to see Angel and Cordelia in the room behaving in a strange manner. Wesley (to himself): My my it appears they have been possessed by the spirits of the previous occupants. Well as the only priests on this island are now the spirits in question I shall have to perform the exorcism myself. (Reaches into his bag and takes out a crucafix, a vial of Holy Water and a book with an exorcism ritual in it and walks into the living room) Cut to the living room as Wesley walks in Cordelia: Ah brilliant! There you are Father Ted, we were wondering where you had gone. Wesley: Cordelia? Its me Wesley. You appear to have been possessed by the spirits of the previous occupants. I shall use my Watcher training to perform an exorcism. Angel: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls! Wesley: Ee gads! It appears Angel has been possessed by a particularly vile demon. The sooner I get this ritual done the better. At that moment Doyle returns from the kitchen with yet another tray of tea Doyle: Ah Father Ted, would you like a cup of tea? Wesley: (Wondering who the gentleman is who has just walked in) No thank you, I have recently eaten. Doyle: Ah go on Wesley: No really, I am fine Doyle: In that case I will go and burn this lot Wesley: There's no need to do that Doyle: Very well Father. (Places the tray on the table) Wesley holds up the cross and begins the exorcism. Wesley: Abrenuntias satanae? (Do you renounce Satan?)" Wesley: "Et omnibus operibus eus? (And all of his works?)" Wesley: "Omnibus pompis eus? (And all his pomps?)" Wesley: "Exorcie te. Omnis spiritus immunde. Adaperiae! Now get the hell out!" Angel, Cordelia and Doyle begin to glow, then the spirits fly out of their mouths and disburse into the air. Cordelia: Wesley? What on earth are you doing here? What happened? The last I remember was putting Angel to bed. Wesley: I came here investigating a case of a haunting by the spirits of the previous occupants and when I arrived you had all been possessed by them. However I performed an exorcism and released the spirits. Angel: Since when do Watchers investigate on their own and perform exorcisms? Wesley: In point of fact I no longer work for the Council. I came to the conclusion that I was of greater value to the cause working autonomously. With Buffy unwilling to follow Council orders there was simply no opportunity to function as Watcher. And thats why I became a rogue demon hunter. Cordelia: What's a rogue demon? Wesley: (Ignoring Cordelia's comment) Well that explains why I am here - what reason do you have for being here if you don't mind me asking? Doyle: Angel here came into the money - £12 million big ones and this house Angel: Wesley this is Doyle - he is helping with our investigation service. Doyle - meet Wesley - he was Buffy and Faith's Watcher. Wesley and Doyle shake hands Wesley: Investigation? Cordelia: Yes we help the hopeless Wesley: Ah I see. Well I must be going - more demons to hunt and all that. It was nice seeing you all again and nice meeting you too Doyle. Angel: Do you know where you're headed? Wesley: Us rogue demon hunters rarely do. Wherever evil lurks, wherever the forces of darkness threaten humanity, Cordelia: Well, okay. Keep in touch. Wesley: Yes. Yes, I will. (Picks up his bag) But now the evil lurking everywhere bids me onwards. So I go. Cordelia: Take care. Wesley: Yes. Goodbye then. (Walks out of the room and we hear the sound of the front door closing) Doyle: Strange guy. Angel: Yeah but you get used to him. Scene ends with them heading upstairs to pack. BREAK Final scene: Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are back in the office in LA Cordelia: No wonder you both left Ireland - talk about bizarro land Doyle: Ah they're not all like that in Ireland Angel: Yes Craggy Island was certainly unique Cordelia: So what do you plan to do with the house? Angel: I sold it to the church. I thought they needed it more than I do. Cordelia picks up an envelope from a solicitor addressed to Angel and hands it to Angel. He takes one look at it and throws it in the bin. The screen fades to black. © Copyright 2000 Clare Turner & Georgina J McRae Crafter |
