Smiles and Hurt
Author: Copper Email: [email protected] Disclaimer: JW, WB, ME, Fox, SMG/DB...they, plus a lot of other people who aren't me own them. Spoilers: S4 is fair game esp. IWRY and GI Synopsis: Another entry in Buffy's diary. Maybe I should make it a series? Rating: G Notes: This was inspired by a couple lines in 'Goodbye, Iowa.' You'll know which ones when you read it. Also, I am definitely a B/A girl but I am trying to keep these within the show, so don't flame me for being nice to Riley. Dedication: To everyone who knows Buffy still loves Angel but is living the only way she can.
I can't believe all that's happened. Walsh tried to feed me to some demons and instead she died. Most of TI hate me. Riley's sick and locked away in some military hospital...not to mention Adam. Yes. Once again, someone decided that I should be dead. Not the first time, sure it's going to happen another hundred until someone succeeds but for it to be Walsh? I thought she liked me, but I guess 314 and Riley, and, I think, more importantly her control over him, were more important than my life. Which makes me wonder if the neutralizing demons is just one big cover for something totally horrendous, (Whoa, too much time with Giles.) something that I could never imagine. I mean, why in hell would she create Adam? He's huge, so smart it's beyond scary, I'd swear he's made of steel...yet he thinks of himself as a child, as all of TI as children with him and Riley as the favourites. Well, except for that part where he killed his 'Mother'. Bet she's regretting it now. Poor Riley. His life's fallen apart and he's all alone. I wish I could be there to take care of him. But what was I supposed to do? I know I'm good but even I couldn't have taken on those guys with their guns. I wonder what it is that they're on? It scares me far more than Adam, and her attempt to kill me...That she did this to all those guys, but especially to Riley. He's such an innocent. I wonder what he was like before... I hope he's all right. But something good has happened. I'm getting back on track with the gang, at least a little. I know they don't understand, they can't really, but it felt good to be with people who didn't know about my past. Who just knew that I was Riley's girlfriend and I could kick their asses... I didn't have to worry about others worrying about me, not that Riley doesn't care, but just that I'm always afraid someone will realize that there's something missing. But I've finally figured out that no one's going to notice. That I've shut that part down and anything that anyone says or does that reminds me, just goes in and gets locked away...I knew it when Anya mentioned *him* and I didn't react. Thank the powers that be. I'm starting to like her. She's really good for Xander and she really does care about him. I think we sort of bonded over that 'I smile when he smiles, I hurt when he hurts' thing. But that brings me back to him. Angel. This is the only place I let myself think about him. And I know that we will always be like that...our joys or sorrows will always affect the other. That's just how it is. I remember when he saved me from the Three... I was so worried when I saw that gash. And when he told me how he regained his soul... I trusted him enough to bare my throat because I'd seen his pain, felt it somewhere deep inside...and I'd felt the tenderness in his kiss. It's the same with anything we've been through or have yet to survive. It's easier to remember the times we both hurt but there were so many smiles, too. Making out during patrols training, laughing about dumb stuff like him 'spending time with Mr. Gordo'...eating ice cream and peanut butter covered chocolate... Where in hell did that come from? Guess my imagination's been working overtime. I wish I could talk to him about all that's happened the past few days. I think he'd understand about Riley; he'd know that I still love him - first, foremost, and above all others but would be pleased I'm not alone...even if I am settling. But then anyone but Angel is settling. I know it will work out, though. Not just the stuff with Riley, TI, and the Gang but our love. Until then, I'll smile when Cordy tells me good news, cry when he gets hurt and keep our love locked away until I can let it be free. <><><><><><><><> Once again, a totally sappy ending. That's what comes of writing when you're exhausted. If you like it, please let me know. And let me know if you think I should try and do a series... J.
