" "There, standing tall and corporeal, was the figure that had been haunting their dreams for years now. The one nemesis they could never conquer, the horrible, chilling shadow they’d all tried to pretend was not there.”-cr. coc

Chosen Rewritten:
The Chronicles of Cheese

Title: Chosen Rewritten: “The Chronicles of Cheese”
Author: crystalix
Rating: G
Summary: Sillyfic. Rewrite of Chosen: Things don’t QUITE go as they did on the show.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and co. minor excerpts from “Restless” and “Chosen”
Distribution: Please ask first!

Chosen Rewritten: “The Chronicles of Cheese”

Carefully, Buffy and the potentials crept down and further into the cavern, weapons drawn and ready. The rest followed quickly behind them, nerves on edge as they walked straight into the mouth of hell. Buffy could hear Faith and Spike mumbling behind her as she trudged along.

“I'm getting zero juice here, and I look like Elizabeth Taylor.” Spike said, shaking his amulet in an attempt to get it working.

Faith shrugged,
“ Cheer up, Liz. If Willow's big spell doesn’t work, it won't matter what you wear.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, and turned to tell them to shut it, but quickly froze mid-action.

“Buffy? What is it?” Spike asked, noticed the slayer’s suddenly horrified look.

“I'm not worried.” She said shakily, pointing across the cavern, “I'm not worried.”

The others cautiously crept forward, their eyes widening. There, standing tall and corporeal, was the figure that had been haunting their dreams for years now. The one nemesis they could never conquer, the horrible, chilling shadow they’d all tried to pretend was not there.

Buffy, taking a deep breath, held her head high and stepped forward with a hard glance.
“ Cheese Man, we meet again!”

The familiar bald man turned to her, his plate of deadly smelly cheese in hand, the First Evil smiling behind him.
“ I've made a bigger space for the cheese slices.” He answered in a deadly tone.

Buffy all but growled, angrily drawing a giant butter knife from her side. The First cackled at this, as an army of hundreds upon hundreds of ubervamps crawl from seemingly out of nowhere, giant jars of cheese whiz in hand. Buffy’s eyes widened as she let out a gasp of horror.

“These,” the Cheese Man said, motioning to his nutritious minions, “will not protect you.”

With that, the ubervamps charged at the white hats, cheese whiz flying in every which direction. With a battle cry, Buffy charged at the Cheese Man, trying desperately to hit him with her butter knife. Holding up his plate of cheese, the Cheese Man easily blocked her attacks and tried to retaliate. Buffy jumped back, barely missing the swiss slice to her side.

As she violently engaged the Cheese Man, Buffy risked a glance at the others. Faith was surrounded by ubervamps, barely managing to get the upper hand. The blonde slayer let out a cry as her eyes fell upon the potentials. One by one, they fell, covered in cheese whiz yelling “MY HAIR” while grasping to the cheesy strands with their final ounce of strength.

Noticing her distraction, the Cheese Man aggressively started to back Buffy into a corner. Realizing her position, Buffy lifted her knife to fight back when suddenly, she froze. An ubervamp came up behind her, splattering her entire back in cheese whiz. A mixed look of shock and horror crossed the slayer’s battered features before she plummeted to the ground, moaning in pain. The First laughed mockingly behind Cheese Man.

“How are you doing this?” Buffy groans, struggling to lift her head.

The Cheese Man crept down in front of her, holding out his plate of cheese.
“ I wear the cheese. It does not wear me!”

Moments passed, more and more potentials fell under the cheesyness surrounding them. Buffy looked around for something, anything, to give them a small glimmer of a chance. And there, standing against the far wall, were two giant pieces of bread. Looking up at the now smirking Cheese Man, she spoke, her voice uneven and rough.
“ I want... to.... have a cheesy taste.”

In a display worthy of the most dramatic music imaginable, Buffy slowly rose and lifted her butter knife, the Cheese Man’s eyes widening in horror as he is drawn back. With a powerful kick, Buffy launched the Cheese Man backward and sandwiched him between the two whole-wheat slices.

The First yet out a shrill scream,
“ NOOOOOOO!!!”

Before anyone could stop her, Buffy threw the Cheese Man sandwich into the burning flames of hell. The First its army of ubervamps sizzled into dust with an agonizing cry, as he turns crispy golden brown and with it the Hellmouth closed.

Minutes passed, the Scoobies quickly came forward from their respective positions, helping each other up as the gang gathered around the pit with a solemn look. Dawn, leaning heavily on Andrew, turned to Buffy.
“ What are we going to do now?”

A moment or two crept by, a somber silence engulfed the Scoobies as they reflected on the past seven years. Looking around, Giles shrugged and promptly dug into the large grilled cheese, the others quickly following suit.

Taking a bite from the cheesy goodness, Buffy turned to the others,
“ So guys, mall tomorrow?”

 

 

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©2008 crystalix