After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing
works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind"
and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses,
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
And he refers the man to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws
some powder on a flame and there is a flash with
billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is
powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for
as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you or your
partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But
be warned: after that, it will not work again for
another year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and
anxious to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to
bed. They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like
magic, he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say 123' for?"
A bloke goes into the CES office in Melbourne for a look through the
job vacancies.
Which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as he's about
to give up and go away,
he spots something. "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing
to travel,
must have own scissors. $500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and
all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note
of
the reference number and fronts up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job", he says,
"reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."
"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "It's a model agency
right here in Melbourne.
They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.
You see, they supplygirls who model underwear and bathers,
and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to
snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot
of travel.
The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing.
And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"
"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke.
"I'd really like to apply for the job."
The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form
and a
railticket to Ballarat". "Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke.
"Balla-bloody-rat?
What do I wanna goto Ballarat for?"
"Well", says the CES clerk, "that's where the end of
the queue is at the moment."
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
on this airplane is on the wing, and if you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em"
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all your belongings.
Anything left will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses".
From a Delta pilot during his welcome message. "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?".
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a cheque for $250! and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir. First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time
for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium." Ronaldo
opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos
one more time I'm going to jump off, too." Beckham opened his lunch
and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one
more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham
opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as
well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at Posh Spice. "Hey, don't look at
me," she
said, "He makes his own lunch."
in the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and
hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to
know 'if the coast is
clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.She opens it,
looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar." the second
blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde
hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, You
dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and
when she opens the door,
she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse
to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey,
don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
