25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors

Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pig sty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the postal service.
Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

Final Questions That Would Suck

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours.

HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
Address students as "worm".
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

100 Things to Do to Annoy Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for 5 minutes. Afterwards keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash your room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that your not sorry because this time they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before going o bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every thursday, pack up everything that you own and tell your roommate that you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"
Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her. He/She won't be here much longer.
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Ooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of it. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say that you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you are going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch t.v. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the t.v. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the bad reception.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of the window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside the window and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then, stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go back to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay guys, you can come out now!"
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore have conquered his side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor)
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of lightbulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for awhile, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report the someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at the roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner....."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think that you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you want to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she complains about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe..."
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think that the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means that there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide to your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

"Professor"-to-"Student" Phrase Book

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