Hello all.
Unless
you've been away or under a rock somewhere, you know that I'm leaving
Boogaarts. Last day is Friday. Recently I've been inspired to come
up with a list of things that I plan to do on Friday. Stuff I've always
dreamed of doing will finally be done. Here is the list:
1. Find some way of overriding the satelitte feed and
pumping my own music through the store. Ideas include: Smashing Pumpkins,
Green Day, and Metallica.
2. First customer that says
"That's supposed to be on sale..." gets beaten to a bloody pulp with a
20 lb sack of potatoes.
3. First customer that asks a question, I respond with "I'm not
sure. Let me ask the little man that lives in my pants."
4.
Intercom:
"BriansackpleaseBriansackpleaseBriansackpleaseBriansackpleaseBriansackpleaseBrianBrianBrianBiranBrian
BrianBrianBriansacksacksacksacksacksacksacksackpleasepleasepleasepleaseplease"
5. Customer buys grapes.
I rip apart the bag, eat several, and then individually sack the
rest.
6. Intercom:
"Gary, you have a phone call on line one. You can take that in the
office, at video, or in THE FIERY PITS OF HELL!!!"
7. Get Mandy Wendell rip roarin' drunk
8. Pretend to have money eaten by pop machine. Beat fist repeatedly
against machine while yelling "Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!"
for five minutes.
9. Bring ladder out, climb, announce: "Wow, I can see Don AND Judy's
buttcracks from here!"
10. Ask
Joel: "So, are you gay or what?"
11. Gary
Petersen comes in, asks for mushmelon or whatever. Get a cantaloupe, stomp
on it, get out the vacuum, suck up the juice, dump in small cup, tell him
"There you go. Free of charge."
. 12. When we have a Dash for Cash
winner, anounce: "Attention. Our tape player is broken, and so
tonight I will be singing the bugle charge myself." Proceed to do
so.
13. Customer "Please don't
smash the bread."
Me: 'What's that?
You want the bread smashed? OKAY!" Toss bread in bottom of paper
sack, then carton of eggs, then 15 cans of corn.
14. CARD EVERY FRICKING PERSON
THAT BUYS CIGARETTES. "A new state law insists that we
do."
15. Climb on
top of the carts and lay there. Greet customers. If one takes a
cart, say "Hey, you're taking part of my bed!"
16. Sit on the
register. Not just lean, sit, Indian style. Invite customers to do
the same.
17. If
that idiot kid from Cawker City that always wants to rent a PlayStation for two
days comes in, calmly announce that we don't rent them anymore, then relish in
watching him crying his eyes out. Scuse me, that was redundant; everyone
from Cawker is an idiot.
18.
Keep sticks of deodorant next to my register. Hand them to smelly
customers, say "DO YOU GET THE IDEA???"
19. Wear
dark glasses and announce that I have gone blind, and that I trust people to
give me the right amount of money. Then call the cops when they rip me
off. "Smile! You're on Candid Camera, and now you're going to
jail! HAHAHAHAHA!"
20. Ask customers if their religion is
right for them. "If not, would you interested in joining the Hari
Krishna?Or maybe you'd like to speak to our Jew boss." (sorry, Cheyenne, no
offense meant)
That's about all I can think of.for
now. Let me know if you have any other ideas, or if you'd like to help me
implement these, stop by Friday from 5-10 and we'll see what we can
do.
See
ya,