Earth: A Filthy Planet

Stardate: 34 Na, 10089

(Determined to be June 20, 1997 A.D. in earth-years)

Time: A period of complete darkness, believed to be called "midnight."

Place: Somewhere in the middle of the planet's most advanced nation.

My friends! I come to you bearing news of the greatest expedition of our time, led by me, of course. The decision to expend the time and resources necessary for a journey to this planet "Earth" did not come easily, but the information retrieved from my mission will benefit our race for millennia to come. Let us start from the beginning...

I had hoped to land in an area similar to our great cities, but a slight mechanical malfunction in my craft forced me to crash, I mean, alight in a region of the country called the United States of America. This area that I touched down in was known as the Great Plains. Such a name befuddled me at first, but I later deciphered its meaning. The Great Plains were, well, plain--a vast expanse of nothing but wide, gray lines apparently meant for vehicular locomotion surfaces and large, rectangular areas filled with what appeared to be agricultural plant life.

As I walked out of my crippled craft, my superior night vision allowed me to discern an image of the area. To my left stood a building of such minute proportions that, when I later discovered it was actually a living quarter, both of my hearts went out to this poor, primitive species. The "house," under close examination, was made from the tall plants (I think they are called "brees," but I am not sure) that comprised a large growth behind it. I will admit that various other indistinguishable materials were used in the construction, but why would anyone use such a weak substance, and another living thing at that, to build their residence? Those plants were beautiful, and there must have been fifteen of them in that growth. Fifteen! More than our similar species grows in our entire land! Do these people have an overgrowth of these plants, or do they simply refuse to recognize their pristine majesty? It bewilders me to think of it.

Andrew Miner

The only other building in sight was a rather large one to my far right. It was constructed of both the "bree" substance and various kinds of thin metal. Its high roof was very slanted, and a large pile of rusted scraps of metal lay beside it. I presumed that this could mean but one thing. Evidently this planet has problems with showers of space debris, and the inclined roof was meant to deflect the junk as it fell and pile it up. A large, white symbol, looking like "X" was painted onto the door of this building. What could this symbol mean? Was this building some sort of religious establishment? This could possibly explain why it was protected from debris showers. I meant to find out.

As I opened the door I was greeted with a stench so horrid that all three of my noses cried out in agony. Immediately thereafter I was forced to cover my ear, for this building emanated jarring noises that nearly turned me back. Somehow, I mustered the courage to push on What kind of strange religion did these people follow?

Stalls had been erected on either side of the building. Occupying each stall was a large being that in no way fit the description of a human that my scouts had given to me. The creatures were four-legged, black and white, and were rustled from slumber at my presence. They stared at me with great curiosity and began some sort of eerie chant. It sounded like "Ooooom. Oooom." No doubt they were praying for deliverance to their god, as they were obviously frightened of me. I will admit they had reason to be; I was intruding in their place of worship.

At the front of this building were three different animals. These beasts were brown, larger than the Oomers, and possessed a thick layer of hair that ran down the back of their neck. This "mane" surely placed them in the clergy of this weird religion. At the sight of me they began prostrating themselves by repeatedly bobbing their heads up and down. On the wall of the building, directly in front of the Mane Possessors, several small metal objects were nailed. The objects were

Andrew Miner

oval in shape, but did not form a complete oval. I believed them to be more religious symbols. It was only then that I noticed that the Mane Possessors were wearing the objects on their feet. Now I was completely baffled.

The sound of the door being opened sent me diving behind a pile of the yellowish straw substance that was strewn about the building. A human carrying a bucket entered. What happened next I will forever remember. The human knelt down beside an Oomer and set the bucket underneath its hind legs, directly below a large, fleshy sac with several short appendages. Then the human actually started to pull on the appendages. A white liquid squirted into the bucket from each appendage. How cruel! The human was draining the Oomer's life blood! Desecration of a religious animal! It was then that I decided that I had seen enough of this filthy planet.

After the human's departure I discovered that I would be able to repair my craft using several small parts from the heap of space debris. I made the necessary adjustments and took to the skies ASAP.

Thus is the summation of my journey. Based on my findings, I can give you, my people, but one suggestion. Earth is a sorry excuse of a planet. They construct residences out of their most valuable resource, are constantly under a barrage of space debris, and defile their religious animals. Yes, I can only say this: Earth is ripe for conquest!