The Matrix Madness

 

Chapter 1 - Disagreeing, in-built maps and lamps that like Tasty Wheat

CYPHER: It's my shift.
TRINITY: No it's not.
CYPHER: You like watching him.
TRINITY: No I don't.
CYPHER: We're gonna kill him.
TRINITY: No we're not.
CYPHER: STOP DISAGREEING DAMMIT!!!!
TRINITY: ....... No.
(Small barely audible beep)
TRINITY: Did you hear that? Are you sure this line is clean?
CYPHER: Don't worry, Trin, its just call waiting. (presses button) Hey, Cindy, how's it going?
TRINITY: You're going out with CINDY?
CYPHER: Damn, wrong button... (presses another button) Hey, Cindy.
TRINITY: I'm STILL HERE!
CYPHER: Whoops.
TRINITY: YOU ARE USELESS WITH PHONES!!!
CYPHER: That's just mean, Trin.
TRINITY: No it isn't.
CYPHER: STOP DISAGREEING!!

(Meanwhile, various cops look as though they’re doing something important)

 

POLICE GUY 1: So… this is just some random girl, right?

POLICE GUY 2: Yeah.

POLICE GUY 1: It’s not the one in black leather, is it?

POLICE GUY 2: Course not.

POLICE GUY 1: Good… she scares me…

POLICE GUY: (kicks open door) Freeze!!!

OLD WOMAN: Oooh, hello! Would you like some muffins?

POLICE GUY: Oh… whoops… wrong door. Which one is symbolic?

POLICE GUY 3: Well, she’s called Trinity, so 303?

POLICE GUY: It fits. (kicks open door) Freeze!

POLICE GUY 2: Hands on your head!

POLICE GUY 3: Be quiet!

POLICE GUY 4: State your name!

POLICE GUY 5: Do the hokey-cokey!

TRINITY: Errr…

(Outside apartment. Agent Smith gets out of car)

GIRLS: Oooh! Is that Keanu Reeves?... Damn, its just some boring old guy.
AGENT SMITH: Lieutenant, you were specific orrrrrrders.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! He's a bad guy, right? He's got sunglasses!
OBSESSIVE FAN: If you think they make someone a bad guy, you're gonna be reeeeeally confused by the end of the film.... Actually, you will be anyway...
COP: (says every swear word allowed by a 15 certificate) I think we can handle one little girl.
FEMINISTS: *seethe*
AGENT SMITH: No they can't.
COP: They're bringing her down now.
AGENT SMITH: No they're not.
AUDIENCE: Wow, there's a lot of disagreeing in this film.

(Inside apartment)

TRINITY: You put your left leg in *KICK* you put your left leg in again *KICK*  you do the hokey-cokey and you jumpupandhoverintheairandthenkickout…
AUDIENCE: Ooh, neat!
FEMINISTS: You go girl!
COPS: Owie!
TRINITY: (Picks up phone) I just defeated seven cops, who all had guns, with just my toenail. Go me! Oh, I mean, the line was traced.
MORPHEUS: Well duh.
TRINITY: Are there agents?
MORPHEUS: Yes.
TRINITY: Goddammit, I didn't wash my hair this morning.... it looks seriously greasy....
MORPHEUS: There's a phone at some unknown street. Luckily all my crew seem to have inbuilt maps and know the fastest way to each phone box in New York.
TRINITY: Uh oh.
AGENT SMITH: Mwahahaha.
TRINITY: Hey, look behind you!
AGENT SMITH: What? (looks behind)
TRINITY: LOSER!!!! (runs off)

(Exciting chase over rooftops. Trinity leaps over massive gap)

COPS: It’s impossible...
COP #1: I know. I mean, how CAN she run in those boots?
COP #2: And stretch her legs that far apart wearing those pants?
COP #3: And I'm not even going to MENTION the fact that that old dude can run faster than us.
COP #4: Hahaha! You just did! GEEK!
COP #5: Um.... think you're focusing on the wrong illogical points here...

(Trinity jumps through that tiny window and falls down stairs)

TRINITY: Ow, ooh, oof, ow... FREEZE LAMP!!!!! DON'T MOVE A FILAMENT!!!!
LAMP: Screek screek screek...
TRINITY: Sounds like a mouse.
LAMP: Screek... Mmmm, Tasty Wheat!
TRINITY: .........
OBSESSIVE FAN: Hey, did anyone notice that when she went through the window, we see clearly that she didn't touch the lamp, and when hits the floor, it’s not moving, but when she turns round it IS?
AUDIENCE: SHUT IT!!!
TRINITY: OK, there's the phone booth! Now I can get out!
AUDIENCE: Um... how?
SPOON BOY: You want to get to the phone booth?
TRINITY: Yes.
SPOON BOY: There is no phone booth.
TRUCK: Won't be in a minute. Vroooooooooom.
TRINITY: I'd better wait until the last second and then run to get to the phone booth. Then it's more dramatic.
TRUCK: (revs engine)
TRINITY: Not yet...
TRUCK: Vrooo-
TRINITY: Not yet...
TRUCK: -oooo-
TRINITY: Could still be more dramatic...
TRUCK: -ooooom.
TRINITY: OK, now!

(Runs to phone booth)

TRINITY: Nah nah! Beat you!
TRUCK: (squashes phone booth)

(Agents get out)

AGENT BROWN: She got out.
AGENT JONES: Yes, out.
AUDIENCE: ..... Huh?
AGENT SMITH: Doesn't matter.
AGENT BROWN: The informant is real.
AGENT JONES: Yes, real.
AGENT BROWN: We have the name of their next target.
AGENT JONES: That we do.
AGENT BROWN: The name is Neo.
AGENT JONES: Neo it is. What kinda loser name is that?
GIRLS: Oooh! Isn't that Keanu Reeves' character? Eeee...
AGENT SMITH: We'll need a seeeeearch running.
AGENT BROWN: It has already begun.
AGENT JONES: Yes, begun.
AGENT SMITH: Shut up.

 

 

Chapter 2 - Foreshadowing, Aladdin and creamy beige rabbits

(Neo is asleep in depressing looking apartment)

AUDIENCE: Ew! I mean, who LIVES like that now?
FANFICTION WRITERS: Ahem... I don't know....
COMPUTER: Wake up Neo...
NEO: ...Wha?
COMPUTER: The Matrix has you...
NEO: ...Wha?
COMPUTER: Follow the white rabbit.
NEO: ...Wha?
COMPUTER: Knock knock, Neo.
DOOR: *knock knock*
NEO: WARGH!! ...Wha?
CHOI: It’s Choi.
NEO: Uh.

(Opens door)

NEO: You're late.
CHOI: A druggie is never late, Neo. Nor is he early. He always arrives precisely when he means to... unless his girlfriend slows him down.
NEO: ...Wha?
CHOI: OK OK! We stopped to see 'The Little Polar Bear'.
NEO: ...WHA?
CHOI: Look, here's two grand. Can I have my disk?
NEO: I think I lost it... oh wait, I know, it's in my hollowed out book.
AUDIENCE: Which everyone has of course.
NEO: *fishes disk out of book*
CHOI: You're my saviour man! My own personal Jesus Christ.
AUDIENCE: That's a random thing to say.
OBSESSIVE FAN: No it's not! Y'see-
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!!!!
CHOI: You know my little sister would have been so upset if I didn't get her a copy of Harry Potter 4.
AUDIENCE: ........
CHOI: What's the matter man? You're sounding a little more articulate than usual. I mean, two syllables, man. You need to unplug.
AUDIENCE: Unplug? Weird phrase...
OBSESSIVE FAN: AH-HA!!! That's foreshadowing! Y'see-
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!!! Gaaarrgh!!!
CHOI: Whaddya think Dujour? Shall we take him with us? (turns round) Hey, where did the pop group from 'Josie and the Pussycats' go? Who are you?
GIRL: *shrugs*
CHOI: Right... Shall we take him with us?
GIRL: *looks Neo up and down* ..... Definitely.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE: WHY DID SHE PAUSE?!?!?!?
NEO: Uh, I, uh, can't, I have, uh, work, uh, tomorrow. Uh.
GIRL: C'mon. It'll be fun. I have travel scrabble. *swivels round randomly so that Neo gets clear shot of white rabbit*
NEO: *squints* Nah, that's really more of a creamy beige...
CHOI: Come on. There's a nice wall for you to lean against and be unsociable.
NEO: Meh. OK.

(Nightclub. Having worked so hard to persuade Neo to come, Choi and random girl are completely ignoring him.)

GIRLS: WHY ARE THE GIRLS NOT NOTICING HIM????
TRINITY: Hello Neo.
GUYS: WHY IS THAT GIRL NOTICING HIM AND NOT US????
NEO: ... Wha? How do you know that name?
TRINITY: It's on your nametag.
NEO: (looks down and spots badge with the words 'Hi! My name is NEO' on it) Oh. So what's yours?
TRINITY: (glances heavenwards and then points at own badge)
NEO: *squinting* Trinny?
TRINITY: *glare* Trinity.
NEO: Oh. *pause* THE Trinity?
TRINITY: Yeah.
NEO: Jesus.

TRINITY: What?

NEO: I just thought you were Carrie-Anne Moss for a second.

TRINITY: Most guys do.

NEO: Wait. Trinity? The one who stole my lunchbox in fourth grade?
TRINITY: Um.... well.... Hey, guess what, you're in danger.
NEO: You also stole my ruler.
TRINITY: Yeah, but Neo-
NEO: AND my pencil.
TRINITY: YOU'RE IN DANGER!!!!!! WILL YOU JUST LISTEN?!?!?
NEO: Oh, sorry. I'm in danger. Who from?
TRINITY: I can't tell you.
NEO: Oh. What are they going to do?
TRINITY: I can't tell you.
NEO: Why are you warning me?
TRINITY: I can't tell you.
NEO: Is there anything else you CAN tell me?
TRINITY: Um... no.
NEO: Then what was the point of interrupting me?
TRINITY: *shrugs* But I know why you sit at your computer every night.
NEO: You do?
TRINITY: You're looking for him.
NEO: How did you know that?
TRINITY: Because I was once searching for the same thing...
NEO: Really?
TRINITY: .... and when he found me...
NEO: He found you? .... You got to MEET Aladdin?
TRINITY: No. Morpheus.
NEO: Who?
TRINITY: Doesn't matter. Anyway-
NEO: Who's Morpheus?
TRINITY: ANYWAY-
NEO: Who's Morpheus?
TRINITY: JUST SHHHH! *grabs phone* MORPHEUS, YOU DID NOT WARN HE THAT HE WOULD BE SO ANNOYING!!!!
(Sound of muffled laughter coming down the phone)
TRINITY: I GIVE UP!!!! *starts to stomp off*
NEO: Hey, Trinity?
TRINITY: Yes, Neo?
NEO: .... Did Aladdin tell you how he managed to persuade Abu to wear that little hat?
TRINITY: I DID NOT MEET ALADDIN!!!
NEO: But you said you did!
TRINITY: NO I DIDN'T!!!!
NEO: It's just that none of the monkeys I try to make wear hats will listen.... Hey, where are you going?

 

 

Chapter 3 - Why is everything green?

NEO'S BOSS: You seem to think that you are special, that the rules do not apply to you...
OBSESSIVE FAN: Ah-HA!!!!
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!!
NEO'S BOSS: .... or you choose to find another job. Is that clear?
WINDOW CLEANERS: Yup, the window's perfectly clear, yet you still insist on us cleaning it... hey, these things make a cool noise...
NEO'S BOSS: MR ANDERSON! Is that clear?
NEO: Hell yeah. I mean, yes, sir.

(Back in cubicle)
NEO: I am just staring blankly at my computer and getting paid. Boy, I love my job. NOT.
AUDIENCE: Why's everything green?

(Enter FedEx guy who looks remarkably like Tom Hanks)

FEDEX GUY: Mr Perkins?
NEO: No, he's in the next cubicle-
FEDEX GUY: There's some muffins here for you.
NEO: Yeah, that's me!
FEDEX GUY: Here you go. *pause while he signs it* You know, my momma always used to say that life was like a box o' chocolates...
NEO: *blink*
FEDEX GUY: I'll just go now.
NEO: Hell yeah.
OBSESSIVE FAN: HEY!! He signed his name with his left hand! He's a leftie!
LEFTIES: GO LEFTIES!!
(A/N: Thanks to my friends Alex and Frankie for noticing that)
(Neo starts eating muffins like there was no tomorrow. Sound of phone ringing in next cubicle)
VOICE: Who is this?... There's no Neo here... What the hell are you on about? Just a second...
(Random guy puts head over top of cubicle)
RANDOM GUY: It's for you.
NEO: OK.
RANDOM GUY: You didn't get the muffins I ordered, did you?
NEO: ...... Hell no.
RANDOM GUY: Oh... OK. (Disappears again)

(Neo answers phone)
NEO: Joe’s taxidermy, you snuff ‘em, we stuff ‘em!
MORPHEUS: Hello, Neo. You know  who this is.
NEO: God?
MORPHEUS: No...
NEO: Are you one of those telemarketing people?
MORPHEUS: No...
NEO: .... Mum?
MORPHEUS: Look, we don't have time for you to insult me any further. You can no longer await the white rabbit, Neo. They're coming.
NEO: Wha?
MORPHEUS: Are you frightened?
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you. Look at the elevator.
NEO: I don't see anyone, unless they're behind the three threatening looking guys in sunglasses.
MORPHEUS: My God you're annoying.
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: Trinity tried to warn me... I didn't listen.... Just go to the opposite cubicle.
NEO: But what if they-
MORPHEUS: I don't give a damn.
NEO: Oh, OK.

(Agent Smith comes round the corner)

AUDIENCE: Hey, it’s HIM! The guy from that bit at the beginning!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well DUUUUH.
MORPHEUS: Go to the office at the end of the hall.
NEO: OK. *crouches down*
EASILY AMUSED PERSON (probably a friend of mine): Heh heh... he looks weird...
NEO: *runs down towards office*
FEDEX GUY: Run, Neo, run!
NEO: Shut up!

(Reaches office and does weird pirouette thing on heels)

MORPHEUS: Now. Outside the window there is a scaffold.
NEO: How do you know all this?
MORPHEUS: That doesn't matter. Go on, up the scaffold, there's a good boy.
NEO: But I don't wanna...
MORPHEUS: I DON'T CARE!
NEO: Hmph. Why's everyone so mean to me?
MORPHEUS: I can't possibly imagine.

(Neo climbs out of window and tries to reach scaffold but chickens out. Seen being taken out of building by agents)

GIRLS: NOOOOO! KEANUUUUU!!!
AUDIENCE: .... Did we miss something?
TRINITY: S***. I hate those buggy things. They... bug me.

(Interview room)

AGENT SMITH: As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time, Miss Draaaaanderson...
NEO: WHAT? HOW?
AGENT SMITH: (rolls eyes and points to video camera in corner)
NEO: Oh.
AGENT SMITH: Over the past five minutes we have seen you commit such offences as mooning the camera, muttering to yourself and writing 'Agent Smith has a big nose' on the wall...
(Neo snickers to himself)
AGENT SMITH: .... which wasn't very nice, Miss Draaaanderson...
NEO: Actually, it's Mr Anderson.
AGENT SMITH: WHAT? You're a guy?
AGENT JONES: Coulda fooled us.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, fooled.
NEO: Well, you guys are annoying jerks.
AGENT BROWN: You're a butthole!
NEO: Takes one to know one!
AGENT JONES: I'm rubber and you're glue!
AGENT SMITH: SHUT IT!!!
(Everyone is silent, and glare at each other)
AGENT SMITH: Now we're prepared to wipe the slate clean... give you a fresh start.
NEO: And I'm prepared to give you the finger.
AGENT JONES: Oooh! He got you, boy!
AGENT BROWN: Yes, got!
(Agent Smith's eyebrows go up)
AUDIENCE: BAH!!!
NEO: I want my phone call! And my muffins! I left them in my office.
AGENT SMITH: Tell me Miss Draaaaanderson, what is the use of muffins if you can't eat them?
(Seals Neo's mouth up)
AUDIENCE: What the f-
AGENT BROWN: (brings in muffins and sets them in front of Neo)
NEO: Mmmmm mmmmmm hmmmm MMMMM! MMMM HMMM MMMMMMM! (Translation: You guys are MEAN! YOU ******* ********!!!)
AGENT SMITH: You're going to help us Miss Draaaaanderson whether you want the muffins or not.
NEO: Mmmm hmmm MMM hmm mmmm mmmmmm! (Translation: But I DO want the muffins!)
(Thing Agent Smith is holding turns into bug)
AUDIENCE: WHAT THE F-
NEO: MMMM MMMM HMMMM MMMMMM!!!! (Translation: I want my muffins!)
(Bugs crawls into Neo's tummy button)
AUDIENCE: ...... This film is WEIRD.

 

 

Chapter 4 - The muffins joke continues

NEO: (sitting straight upright) Waargh! Wha? Uh? (glances around wildly) Where are the muffins?
(Phone rings)
NEO: Whoa.
MORPHEUS: This line could be traced, so I must be brief.
NEO: Have you got the muffins?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Has Trinity got the muffins?
MORPHEUS: Neo, I said BRIEF.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: They got to you first, but they haven't realized just how important you are...
NEO: They think I'm insignificant? *pause* Meh, my character is supposed to be tragically insignificant. I mean, I still have one of these phones.
MORPHEUS: Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?
NEO: Well, I had more, but...
MORPHEUS: If they knew what I knew, you'd probably be dead.
NEO: DEAD?
MORPHEUS: Do you -
NEO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: - still -
NEO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: - want to -
NEO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!
MORPHEUS: - meet?
NEO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!
MORPHEUS: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!
TRINITY: I warned you!
MORPHEUS: I know, and I didn't listen. Do you still want to meet?
NEO: My mummy always warned me not to meet people I met on the Internet.
MORPHEUS: There'll be muffins.
NEO: OOOH! OOOH! WHERE?
MORPHEUS: Under some random bridge somewhere... hello? Hello? Neo? You still there?

(Under random bridge)

NEO: *running up to car* I'm.... here....
TRINITY: You're late.
NEO: Do you have any idea how many random bridges there are in New York?
TRINITY: Get in.
NEO: Hell yeah! (getting in) Where are the muffins?
TRINITY: (slamming door behind Neo) Apoc, floor it!
CAR: Vroooooooooom.
NEO: Where are the muffins?
SWITCH: (pulls out gun and points it at Neo)
NEO: (battles internally over which question to ask first) ... Where are the muffins?
TRINITY: There are no muffins.
NEO: WHAT?
SWITCH: Take off your shirt.
NEO: YOU SAID THERE'D BE MUFFINS!
TRINITY: Neo...
NEO: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!
TRINITY: Neo, you'll get muffins later.
NEO: Oh OK.
SWITCH: Take off your shirt.
NEO: Wha?
SWITCH: Just do it.
NEO: Hell no.

(Neo opens the car door)

TRINITY: Neo, you have to trust me.
NEO: But you lied about the muffins!
TRINITY: Yes, but-
NEO: You called me annoying!
TRINITY: Neo-
NEO: You took my lunch box!
TRINITY: NEO-
NEO: AND my ruler!
TRINITY: Neo, you add about your pencil, I SWEAR TO GOD-
NEO: ....... But you DID take my pencil!
SWITCH: PLEASE can I shoot him? PLEASE?
TRINITY: I'm tempted, Switch. I'm tempted.
SWITCH: It's either him or me!
TRINITY: Goddamn prophecy.... First you saddle me with Mouse, and now... but Neo, you know that road. You know exactly where it ends.
AUDIENCE: OOOOOH!!! Backstory?
OBSESSIVE FAN: No, just metaphorical.
AUDIENCE: Oh, it's one of THOSE roads....
NEO: (shuts car door again) I don't wanna ruin my hair...
SWITCH: Take off your shirt.
NEO: OK.
SWITCH: And your jacket.
NEO: ..... OK.
SWITCH: And your pants.
APOC: Switch!
SWITCH: Prrrrr.
TRINITY: I'm going to allow this...
NEO: Hell no!
SWITCH: FINE then, just the shirt. (muttering) Damn...

(Trinity does weird thing and pulls out bug)

AUDIENCE: EW!!!
NEO: Wow, my mum always warned me that one day I'd find something living in there.....

 

Chapter 5 - Tooth gaps, dramatic shots down stairwells and forces of hobbit

(Pull up outside very dramatic looking building)

NEO: Dude! We're going on the 'Tower of Terror'?
TRINITY: No, Neo. This is just an apartment building.
NEO: .... It's freaky looking.

(Go upstairs)

NEO: Why... couldn't... we... have.... taken... the... lift?
TRINITY: Cos then the Wachowski brothers couldn't have had a dramatic shot down the stairwell.
NEO: ..... Fair enough.
AUDIENCE: Hey, where did Switch and Apoc go?
TRINITY: Can I give you one piece of advice...
NEO: Are there muffins in there?
TRINITY: ... OK, two pieces of advice. ONE - don't mention muffins.
NEO: Awww.
TRINITY: TWO - I can't remember what I was supposed to say... dammit, Switch told me to tell you... Eh, what the hell, just be honest. He knows more than you could possibly imagine.
NEO: Does that count on saying what I really think?
TRINITY: Yeah...
NEO: NEAT!
TRINITY: ... But not if you're thinking about muffins.
NEO: Awww.

(Go inside. Dramatic flash of lightning illuminates Morpheus)

NEO: AAAARGH!!!! IT’S DRACULA!!!!
TRINITY: No it's not. This is Morpheus.
NEO: I thought we were going to see Aladdin?
TRINITY: I NEVER SAID WE WERE GOING TO SEE ALADDIN!
NEO: Yeah you did!
TRINITY: WHEN?
NEO: At the night club! You said Aladdin found you!
TRINITY: *seethe* No. I. Didn't. I said that MORPHEUS found me!
NEO: Oh, yeah, SUUURE you did.
MORPHEUS: People. Be calm. Give me your phone.
NEO: Hell no!
MORPHEUS: Sorry. Force of hobbit. I mean habit! HABIT! What is with me always saying that?
TRINITY: Maybe it’s because you're always making us go into the Matrix so that you can see the Lord of the Rings...
MORPHEUS: Oh yeah... Anyway, Neo, have a seat.

(Neo sits down)

MORPHEUS: As you may have guessed, I am Morpheus-
NEO: Hey! You have a big gap in your teeth!
MORPHEUS: *glare*
TRINITY: *hits self on head* Be honest, don't say muffins - DON'T mention Morpheus' tooth gap...
MORPHEUS: Yes.
NEO: What? It’s really big!
MORPHEUS: ... Don't you feel like Alice?
NEO: Alice who?
MORPHEUS: Alice in Wonderland.
NEO: Wonderland?
MORPHEUS: It's a book.
NEO: Book?
MORPHEUS: It's a book title. Alice in Wonderland. Don't you feel like Alice?
NEO: Why, what happened to this Alice Inwonderland?
MORPHEUS: *seethe* Why couldn't MOUSE have been the one?
TRINITY: Don't know who I'd prefer, really.
MORPHEUS: You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he expects to wake up.
NEO: Well, no, cos I already pinched myself, but that doesn't always work, cos once I had this dream where I was surrounded by loadsa beautiful women, and I was like WHOA, must be dreaming, but pinching myself didn't work then-
MORPHEUS: Shut up.
NEO: Yessir.
MORPHEUS: You accept what you see because you expect to wake up.
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: Do you believe in fate?
NEO: Hell no.
MORPHEUS: Is this because you don't like to feel that you're not in control of your actions?
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: I know EX-ACT-LY what you mean.
NEO: Hell no.
MORPHEUS: Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. Blah blah blah blah blah.
AUDIENCE: This is getting BORING. When does the kick-ass kung fu start?
OBSESSIVE FAN: SHHHH!!!!!
MORPHEUS: .. Blah blah blah. Do you know what I'm talking about?
NEO: Hell no.
MORPHEUS: The Matrix.
NEO: Hell… oh.
MORPHEUS: Do you want to know what IT is?
NEO: Hell no.
MORPHEUS: OK, are you TRYING to piss me off?
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: You are just ANNOYING.
NEO: Go to hell.
MORPHEUS: Goddammit, the MATRIX IS EVERYWHERE!!!!!
NEO: ... What the hell?
AUDIENCE: What?
MORPHEUS: It is in this very room.
NEO: IT IS??? (jumps to his feet and starts running around in circles) Helphelphelphelphelphelphelp....
MORPHEUS: Neo, calm down...
NEO: Helphelphelphelphelphelp... WHY?
MORPHEUS: Calm down! It's just the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
AUDIENCE: Doesn't he mean wool?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Nope! Y'see-
AUDIENCE: SHUT IT!!!!
NEO: Oh yeah, and that makes me feel better?
MORPHEUS: It's supposed to... You see it when you look out of your window-
NEO: What window? My apartment has no window.
OBSESSIVE FAN: YES IT DOES!!!!
NEO: FINE!!! Just thought it sounded more tragic...
MORPHEUS: A-HEM.
NEO/OBSESSIVE FAN: Sorry.
MORPHEUS: You feel it when you go to work, when go to church, when you pay your taxes, blah blah blah...
AUDIENCE: This bit wasn't in the advert...
NEO: Uh huh. Right. Hm. Where is it again?
MORPHEUS: ...... Everywhere.
NEO: What, out there?
MORPHEUS: Even inside you.
NEO: What, in there? *bends over and starts talking to self* Hello... hello...
MORPHEUS: Please stop it.
NEO: Oh, OK.
MORPHEUS: But I can't tell you what the Matrix is...
NEO: Then why the hell have you just been talking for about ten minutes straight?
MORPHEUS: *shrugs*

NEO: Can’t you at least try? Give me a rough description?

MORPHEUS: Apparently not. Here, red pill or blue pill?
NEO: Uh... Can't I have what's behind door number two?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Aw...
MORPHEUS: You take the blue pill, you wake up in your own bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, we continue with the Alice in Wonderland metaphor, and I show you just how old it can get.
NEO: Um… well, I prefer strawberry flavour. (takes red pill)

 

Chapter 6 - Bad internet connections and free-for-alls with silver goo

MORPHEUS: Apoc, are we online?
AUDIENCE: Who?
OBSESSIVE FAN: APOC!
AUDIENCE: Who?
OBSESSIVE FAN: The guy in the car!
AUDIENCE: *looks at each other and shrug*
APOC: Nearly.
MORPHEUS: Time is nearly always against us.
NEO: Everyone's against me.
MORPHEUS: Um, that's nice.
NEO: They're all out to get me. Everyone.
MORPHEUS: Um, OK.
NEO: (talking to self) But it doesn't matter, no it doesn't, one day judgement will come.
MORPHEUS: Neo?
NEO: Yes?
MORPHEUS: .. Nothing.
APOC: Hey, Morpheus, question - we're fighting for the salvation of humankind. We have access to anything we need in the Construct, and have several hackers in our employ. And yet we can't get DSL?
MORPHEUS: .... Neo, have a seat.
NEO: You did all this?
TRINITY: Yeah.
MORPHEUS: No you didn't! I bought the chair!
APOC: I'm trying to log on!
SWITCH: I bought the colander!
CYPHER: I broke the mirror!
(Pause)
SWITCH: I thought you said that Mouse did it!
CYPHER: Yes, well, I lied.
MORPHEUS: Tank, we're going to need a signal soon.
AUDIENCE: .... Tank? Who's that? (look expectantly at obsessive fan)
OBSESSIVE FAN: (rolls eyes) The operator.
AUDIENCE: Operator?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Comes from Zion.
AUDIENCE: Zion?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Place deep in the Earth.
AUDIENCE: Earth?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Just... SH!
MORPHEUS: Apoc?
APOC: Uh....
COMPUTER: 'Failure to connect to remote server, Dialling attempt 2 in five seconds'
APOC: This could take a while.
NEO: *looks in mirror*
AUDIENCE: AAAH!!! WHERE'S HIS FACE?
GIRLS: HIS GORGEOUS FACE?
NEO: *leans forward, so that his face reappears*
GIRLS: Oh.... thank Keanu...
NEO: (touches mirror causing it to stick to his fingers)
MORPHEUS: Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real?
NEO: Ew! Icky! (wipes fingers on Morpheus' coat)
MORPHEUS: HEY! (jumps back) Aw, man, look what he did!
NEO: (silver stuff spreads up arm)
AUDIENCE: What the heck? What's up with that mirror?
NEO: It’s cold... it’s cold...
AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah, that's what we'd be worrying about...
TRINITY: He's going into arrest.
GIRLS: NOOOO! KEANU!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Who gives a s***? He's ruined my coat!
APOC: Dialling attempt three? What's up with this computer?
MORPHEUS: (whining) My coat, Trinityyyyyy....
TRINITY: We don't give a damn, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: That's mean! (wipes some on her coat)
TRINITY: HEY!

(Trinity scoops some silver stuff off Neo and throws it at Morpheus. He ducks, and it hits Cypher.)

CYPHER: HEY!

(He also grabs some and chucks it back at Trinity. It hits Switch. This escalades into a massive free-for-all involving that weird silver goo. Neo sits forgotten.)

NEO: (silver goo creeping up towards face) A-HEM.
APOC: HEY! It's connected!
MORPHEUS: (covered in silver goo from head to toe) Well, then get the signal.
APOC: OK. (types randomly) Hey, Audrey's online...
INSTANT MESSAGE: Wazzzzup?
APOC: Wazzzzup?
INSTANT MESSAGE: HEY! APOC! What's happening, bro?
APOC: Not much.
MORPHEUS: APOC!
APOC: Gotta go, Orpheus-may being-ay noying-ay.
INSTANT MESSAGE: TTYL.
MORPHEUS: Tank, you gotta signal yet?
TANK: .... No. I've been playing Sonic the Hedgehog.
MORPHEUS: TANK!
TANK: What? I got up to Level Nine!
MORPHEUS: Really? How did you get past the Metropolis zone?
TANK: Oh, it’s really easy, you just-
NEO: A-HEM!!
MORPHEUS: Fine...
APOC: Goddamn pop-ups... Hey, Morpheus, are we interested in saving money on off-peak internet connections?
MORPHEUS: What rates are they offering?
APOC: 5p a minute.
MORPHEUS: Hmmm....
NEO: A-HEM!!!!!
MORPHEUS: FINE!!!! Tank, we gotta signal?
TANK: Sorry, did you want one?
MORPHEUS: YES!!!!
TANK: Fine. *muttering* Touchy...
TRINITY: Hey, Morpheus, have I got time to check my e-mails?
MORPHEUS: No. Tank?
TANK: Got one.
MORPHEUS: Groovy. Neo?

(Looks around, and Neo has gone. He walks back through the door a few seconds later, clutching a pretzel)

NEO: Hey! What did I miss?
MORPHEUS: *seethe*
TRINITY: Neo, get into the chair... Where you're going will be a hell of a lot safer than here in a second...
NEO: Where am I going?

(Everyone glances at each other)

CYPHER: .... Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, cuz Kansas is going bye-bye.
NEO: (pause, then turns to Switch) Dorothy, creepy-bald-fat-moustache man says buckle your seatbelt.
CYPHER: I was talking to you!
NEO: But I'm not Dorothy!
CYPHER: And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
MORPHEUS: NOW TANK!!!!!
TANK: Now what?
MORPHEUS: Now! The signal!
TANK: What signal?
MORPHEUS: THE signal!
TANK: Oh... You took ages, so I just went back to playing Sonic...
MORPHEUS: *seethe* Get. Another. Signal. Then.
TANK: You want a signal?
MORPHEUS: Yes!
TANK: (pause) What, now?
MORPHEUS: YES!
TANK: OK. Why didn't you just ask?
MORPHEUS: *SEETHE*
SWITCH: Hey! Look at his head! FIVE veins throbbing at once!
APOC: Isn't that a record?
TRINITY: Nah, there was six that time I used up all of our phones' credit texting my old boyfriend and then we were attacked by agents...
SWITCH: Well, we warned him not to use pay-as-you-go.
AUDIENCE: JUST... DO WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING TO HIM ALREADY!!!!
MORPHEUS: OK. Now, Tank!
TANK: Done!

(Pause)

MORPHEUS: WHY ISN'T ANYTHING HAPPENING?
APOC: Uh...
COMPUTER: 'Internet disconnected, redialling in 5 seconds...'

 

Chapter 7 - Billy Bob, JoJo and super fun happy slide!

(Finally, Neo has been woken up)

AUDIENCE: ABOUT TIME!!!!

(He breaks through the pink goo, and is bald, has tube in his throat etc.)

AUDIENCE: ..... What the heck? Did we miss something?
GIRLS: NOOOO!!!! KEANU!!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: SHHH! IMPORTANT STUFF HAPPENING!!!
GIRLS: Who cares? We only came to watch Keanu… this film is boring now.
NEO: .... Whoa.
AUDIENCE: Oh, THAT'S articulate.

(Dramatic shots of huge towers with those weird pink pod things)

AUDIENCE: This wasn't in the advert...
NEO: ..... Holy s***.... MORPHEUS!!!! THIS WASN'T ON THE CONTRACT!!!
MORPHEUS: What contract?
NEO: The- oh......
MORPHEUS: Nya ha. Gotcha there!
EXTREMELY STRANGE PERSON (probably me): Hey, is it just me, or does everyone else suddenly have a craving for strawberry jelly?
AUDIENCE: *blink*
ESP: Really? Just me? Meh...
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Name?
NEO: Uh, Neo.
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Hmmm.... that's not on the list...
NEO: That weird dude calls me Miss Draaaaanderson.
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Oh, we've been expecting you for AAAAGES.
NEO: Well, I'M sorry that the internet connection was crap.
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Please extend neck so that I can grab it, unscrew head thing and generally freak everyone out.
NEO: Hell no.
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Aw, come on.
NEO: Why do you need to freak everyone out?
WEIRD MACHINE THING: I don't know, I just work here.
NEO: ......
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Are you gonna let me or what?
NEO: HELL. NO.
WEIRD MACHINE THING: *exasperated* Actors!
ANOTHER WEIRD MACHINE THING: What now?
WEIRD MACHINE THING: Billy-Bob, he won't let me unscrew the head thing!
BILLY-BOB: Why?
NEO: I don't wanna freak everyone out.
AUDIENCE: Oh, we're already freaked...
BILLY-BOB: JoJo, did you tell him *wink* that if he doesn't let you unscrew the head thing, he can't go on the super-fun-happy-slide? *WINK WINK*
NEO: Super-fun-happy-slide?
JOJO: What super-fun-happy-slide?
BILLY-BOB: *wink* THE super-fun-happy-slide which they go down when they let you *wink* take out the head thing?
JOJO: Don't you mean the drain-
BILLY-BOB: NO *WINK* I *WINK* DON'T. *WINK WINK*
JOJO: Have you got something in your eye?
BILLY-BOB: SCREW THIS!!!! (unscrews Neo's head thing)
AUTHOR: Wow, even I didn't realize he meant it literally when I wrote that...
NEO: Wheeee! Super-fun-happy-slide!!!! Wheee! Ow! Wheee! Ow! Ooof! Wheeee! Splash! Drown! Don't drown! Splash! Flounder! Sink!
TRINITY: Do we REALLY have to save him?
MORPHEUS: I guess.
NEO: THE CLAAAAAW..... It decides who stays and who leaves! I have been chosen!
MORPHEUS: ......
TRINITY: You sure about that?
MORPHEUS: .......
SWITCH: Hey, boss, we got Neo!
MORPHEUS: Bit late now.
TRINITY: Well, not really, we could always throw him back out again.
MORPHEUS: Don't. Tempt. Me.
APOC: Got him!
MORPHEUS: CRAP!!! Gotta get there and say my dramatic first words or otherwise-
MOUSE: (bending over Neo) Did you ever try Tasty Wheat?
MORPHEUS: You have no sense of showmanship.
MOUSE: Well, SOR-RY, but I think Tasty Wheat is WAAAAY more important than your Real World speech.
AUDIENCE: We're confused.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well, it's pretty simple when you think about it.
AUDIENCE: Or watch it millions of times.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Yes.
MORPHEUS: If that's not the first thing that happens, it screws up the dramatic effect! Throw him back out!
EVERYONE ON NEBUCHADNEZZAR: YAAAAAY!!!!
NEO: Whoooooosh! Splash! Flounder! Sink! Glub!
MORPHEUS: .. OK, now reel him back in.
TRINITY: Aw, do we haaaaave to?
MORPHEUS: YES!

(Tank tries to move claw so that it hovers over Neo. It plunges into the water beside him, then rises up, empty.)

TANK: *mutters and inserts another 50p*
DOZER: *snort*
TANK: WHAT? It's DIFFICULT! *squints to see what he's got this time* Aw, man, another goddamn keyring. *throws it onto a growing pile in the corner*
DOZER: Loser.
TANK: Fine! YOU do it!
DOZER: OK. *swoops and grabs Neo with amazing speed and precision*
EVERYONE: Ooooooh..
TANK: How did you DO that?
DOZER: What did you think I was doing at Zion arcade while you guys were trying to get new scores on Ninja Star?
MORPHEUS: (to Neo) Welcome... to the Real World.
NEO: Wasn't I already in the real world?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Wasn't anything real?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Not even muffins?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: ... Not even the triple chocolate ones?
MORPHEUS: NO.
NEO: ... Are there real muffins here?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
TRINITY: *hits him round the head*
NEO: *gets knocked out*
MORPHEUS: Good idea… it's easier to work on him when he's unconscious.
TRINITY: Only unconscious? Aw man...

 

Chapter 8 - The Neebookadneezar and Morpheus' lameness

MORPHEUS: We've done it Trinity. We've found him!
TRINITY: Well, it was YOU who suggested that we play Hunt-the-Neo.
MORPHEUS: Yes, but-
TRINITY: And let CYPHER go first.
MORPHEUS: I know-
TRINITY: I mean, his moustache gives off totally bad vibes, dude.
MORPHEUS: I realize this. But we got him out from under the sofa eventually. The important thing is, we've found him.
TRINITY: I hope you're right. Remember Eon?
MORPHEUS: Yes...
TRINITY: And Oen?
MORPHEUS: Trinity-
TRINITY: And who could forget Eno and Noe...
MORPHEUS: OK, but this anagram is the right one!
NEO: Am I dead?
TRINITY: Close enough.
MORPHEUS: TRINITYYYY!!!
TRINITY: What?
MORPHEUS: We're SUPPOSED to be OPTIMISTIC.
TRINITY: Well, I'M sorry. *stomps off in a huff*
MORPHEUS: Women!
NEO: Ahem. So, am I dead?
MORPHEUS: Far from it.
NEO: I don't like your tone.
MORPHEUS: Why?
NEO: It sounds like there's some more confusing s*** coming my way.
MORPHEUS: ... And if there is?
NEO: Why do my eyes hurt?
MORPHEUS: You've never used them before.
AUDIENCE: ... Huh?
NEO: That's the lamest reason I ever heard.
MORPHEUS: Well, I'M sorry.
NEO: You are so lame.
MORPHEUS: …
NEO: Even your sunglasses are lame. I mean, who WEARS pince-nez glasses now?
MORPHEUS: When you're done dissing me, why do YOU think your eyes hurt?
NEO: Um, let’s see… Maybe it's something to do with the blinding white lights over my head!
MORPHEUS: ... Possibly.
AUDIENCE: On the advert this film just looked like a kick-ass kung fu action film. But there's been nothing but TALKING!
OBSESSIVE FAN: You'll get your kung fu soon enough.
AUDIENCE: WHEN????
OBSESSIVE FAN: About two more confusing speeches away.
AUDIENCE: Aw man…

NEO: *wakes up in bed, now with stubble and clothes*
GIRLS: Aw.
NEO: Morpheus, what's happening to me? What is this place?
MORPHEUS: More important than where is when.
NEO: Um.... OK.
NEO'S BRAIN: Humour the insane man, humour the insane man.
MORPHEUS: You think it's the year 1999, when in fact it's closer to 2199.
NEO: Oh. Uh. Yeah. Right. Hm.
MORPHEUS: You don't believe me, do you?
NEO: Not so much.
MORPHEUS: We can't tell you what exactly what year it is because we honestly don't know.
NEO: Well, THAT'S useful.
MORPHEUS: Shut up.
NEO: Hell no.
MORPHEUS: I'm trying to be dramatic here!
NEO: And by dramatic you mean freak everyone out.
MORPHEUS: That's neither here nor there. Come on.

(Go onto main deck)

MORPHEUS: This is my ship - The Nebuchadnezzar.
NEO: The WHAT?
MORPHEUS: The Nebuchadnezzar.
NEO: The Nehbookhanasal?
MORPHEUS: NEBUCHADNEZZAR!!!!
NEO: .. The Nebookaschwuza?
MORPHEUS: Read the sign.
NEO: (reads sign) Ohhhhh.. The Neebookadneezar.
MORPHEUS: No, the- never mind.
TRINITY: Look at me weld.
APOC: Damn you fine!
NEO: Right.
MORPHEUS: This is Apoc, Switch and Cypher.
NEO: Why's Switch glaring at me?
SWITCH: *glare*
MORPHEUS: She does that to everyone.
NEO: Why?
MORPHEUS: I told her to free her mind. She thought I said read her mind. Now she keeps trying to read everyone else's minds.
SWITCH: I know what you're thinking.
NEO: What?
SWITCH: You're thinking I'm weird.
NEO: Hell yeah. She's good.
MORPHEUS: ANYWAY - this is Cypher.
CYPHER: Hi!
NEO: Um. hi.
MORPHEUS: *hits Cypher round head* Dude!
CYPHER: What?
MORPHEUS: You're not supposed to TALK! That ruins the confusing effect!
CYPHER: You see why I wish I hadn't taken the red pill? I get hit!
MORPHEUS: The little one behind you is Mouse.
MOUSE: HEY! Less of the LITTLE!!! Just cos I'm, um, little...
MORPHEUS: I told you I couldn't tell you what the Matrix is, that I'd have to show you.
AUDIENCE: THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS TIME????
MORPHEUS: Have a seat.
NEO: Have you guys ever updated anything of yours?
TRINITY: So they're a bit tatty-
NEO: A LOT tatty-
TRINITY: -but who cares. You won't be here for long.
NEO: WHAT?
MORPHEUS: This may feel a little weird.
NEO: OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: OK, a lot weird.
TRINITY: Wuss.

 

Chapter 9 - Neo gets his groove on

NEO: - OW OW OW OW!!! Whoa, bad trip... What was coming out of that drip? Hey, I'm a poet and I know it-
MORPHEUS: This is the Construct.
NEO: BAH!!!!
AUDIENCE: BAH!!!!
NEO: Don't DO that!
MORPHEUS: .... This is the Construct.
NEO: You made me JUMP!!!
MORPHEUS: I know. This is the Construct.
NEO: You already said that, lame bald man.
MORPHEUS: We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, weapons, training simulations, anything we need.
NEO: Can we load-
MORPHEUS: Except muffins.
NEO: Aww.
MORPHEUS: I know how you feel. They won't let me upload a wig.
NEO: Right now, we're inside a computer program?
MORPHEUS: Is it really so hard to believe?
NEO: Um, yeah, kinda.
MORPHEUS: Sorry. I'm just so used to being confused.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, us too.
MORPHEUS: Your clothes are different. The plugs in your arms and head are gone. Your hair is changed - what are you doing?
NEO: Gettin' ma groove on, man. (continues dancing in his weird way)
TRINITY: This guy broke nearly every computer crime they had a law for?
CYPHER: You're worried about THAT not making sense?
MORPHEUS: Come on, I've got to show you a video.
NEO: OK.

(They start watching.)

NEO: AAAARGH!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Oops, wrong video, that's me undercover at the California Beach Bunny contest...
NEO: STOP!!! LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!!! I WANT OUT!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Neo-
NEO: MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Calm down, Neo, its gone.
NEO: I'LL NEVER BE RID OF IT!!!!!! *shudder* The h-h-horror...
MORPHEUS: Don't worry. The next one's less disturbing.
NEO: Nothing could be more disturbing than THAT.
MORPHEUS: You'd be surprised. This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix.
NEO: ... A, um - what, sorry?
MORPHEUS: A neural-interactive simulation.
NEO: *looks blank*
MORPHEUS: A dream world.
NEO: Ohhhhh.... uh, what?
MORPHEUS: Never mind. This is the world as it exists today.
TV SCREEN: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!! Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!!
NEO: Yaaaaay!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Whoops, wrong tape again. We really need to label these...

(Turns off TV)

NEO: HEY!!! I was watching that!!!
MORPHEUS: Here's the right one... Are you watching, Neo?
NEO: (absent-mindedly humming the 'Spongebob Squarepants' song)
MORPHEUS: Neo!
NEO: Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebooooob square-
MORPHEUS: NEO!!!!
NEO: What?
MORPHEUS: WATCH!!!
NEO: Fine...

(Freaky pictures of wrecked buildings underneath stormy sky appear, and zoom in on Morpheus and Neo)

MORPHEUS: Welcome.............

(He pauses for absolutely ages. Neo hums, glances at his watch and plays with a yo-yo)

MORPHEUS: ........ to the Desert of the Real.
NEO: Hey, look! I did it! Round the World!! See?

(He swings the yo-yo violently. It hits Morpheus on the head)

NEO: Whoops.
MORPHEUS: Don't do that again.
NEO: Can I have my yo-yo back?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: PLEEEEEEASE??????
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Awwww....
MORPHEUS: Anyway, we only have bits and pieces of information-
NEO: Where are we again?
MORPHEUS: The Desert of the Real.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh, cool name.
NEO: Hmmm... I preferred the pineapple under the sea.
MORPHEUS: Oh, don't be so sure. Here you can find chairs in the middle of rock formations that look remarkably like Emyn Muil.
FRODO + SAM: Damn useful they are too.
NEO: Spongebob Squarepants' best friend is a pink starfish.
MORPHEUS: ....... Anyway, as I said, we only have bits and pieces blah blah blah twenty-first century blah blah blah marvelled at our own intelligence as we gave birth to AI.
NEO: AI? You mean Artificial Intelligence?
MORPHEUS: No, that movie with the kid who was in the Sixth Sense.
KID: I see robot people...
MORPHEUS: This caused people obsessed with the movie to create real machines with artificial intelligence. However, by then, science fiction movies had gone majorly out of fashion, and most machines were forced to star in such movies as Terminator VIII...
NEO: *shudder*
MORPHEUS: We don't know who struck first-
OBSESSIVE FAN: Then watch the Animatrix, idiot!
MORPHEUS: You talkin' to me?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Yeah I'm talkin' to you, I'm lookin' at you!
MORPHEUS: FINE, who DID strike first?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well, the thing that sparked it all was that robot who went mad and killed the family he worked for...
MORPHEUS: We don't have time for this.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well, you have time for you to keep being cryptic.
MORPHEUS: Well, this is a very delicate matter.
OBSESSIVE FAN: As I see it, humans make machines, humans no longer want machines, humans make big boo-boo and scorch the sky.
NEO: We did?
MORPHEUS: *ahem* We don't know who struck first, but we do know that it was us who scorched the sky...
OBSESSIVE FAN: *smug* See?
SKY: We know that the humans were bummed that they were losing, but they didn't have to take it out on US. Let's thunder a bit to show just how pissed we are.
NEO: Oooh, dramatic.
MORPHEUS: Blah blah blah dependent on solar power blah blah blah unable to survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun - Neo?
NEO: What?
MORPHEUS: Where did you GET that?
NEO: I dunno. (Continues practicing hula hooping)
MORPHEUS: Stop that. (grabs hula hoop)
NEO: HEY! You threw off my hula!
MORPHEUS: Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony... *looks up*
ANNOYING PEOPLE: *leaping to their feet* YOU CAN SEE THE MICROPHONE REFLECTED IN HIS GLASSES!!!!!
AUDIENCE: WE DON'T CARE!!!!
MORPHEUS: Blah blah blah 120 volt battery blah 25,000 BTUs of body heat blah blah blah form of fusion blah blah all the energy they would ever need.
NEO: Um... sorry, what? You lost me around battery...
MORPHEUS: Just nod along, looking freaked.
NEO: Oh, OK. *makes face*
MORPHEUS: You look constipated.
NEO: Oops. *makes face*
MORPHEUS: Neo, I said freaked, not FREAKY.
NEO: Well, I'm sorry my face only seems to have two settings.
MORPHEUS: There are fields, endless fields, where human beings are no longer born - we're grown.
ARACHNOPHOBICS: SPIDERS!!!!!!!
AUDIENCE: THAT'S the bit that's freaking you out?
MORPHEUS: For the longest time I wouldn't believe it, and then I saw the fields with my own eyes.
AUDIENCE: Uh, we're getting slightly confused...
NEO: Hmmm... *nods along, looking suitably freaked. Well, close enough*
MORPHEUS: Watched them liquefy the dead to be fed intravenously to the living...
AUDIENCE: ICK!!!!
MORPHEUS: What is the Matrix? Control.
NEO: Um, great... Couldn't you have just told me that earlier rather than putting me through all this?
MORPHEUS: How would THAT make a movie?
NEO: Well, the audience could just watch me do kung fu and yo-yo tricks for the remaining hour and a half.
GIRLS: Fine by us...
MORPHEUS: A way of turning a human being into this. (Holds up battery)
NEO: Wow, a Duracell battery! No wonder the machines enslaved humanity!
MORPHEUS: I know, with their long-lasting reliable energy, that come in many different sizes!
NEO: I know that I only ever use Duracell!
MORPHEUS + NEO: (singing to the tune of the Fast Food song, clicking their fingers with people dressed as batteries dancing in the background) A battery, a battery, we only use Duracell batteries! (cheesy grins)
CYPHER: OK, enough endorsements already!
MORPHEUS: But they're paying for our food!
DOZER: The goop stuff?
MORPHEUS: Well, it goes on other stuff too...
TRINITY: I wondered where you got that jewel encrusted platinum toothpick.
MORPHEUS: Yes, well-
TRINITY: No more endorsements. Or dancing.
MORPHEUS/NEO/DANCING BATTERIES: Awwww....

(Dancing batteries walk off gloomily)

NEO: Um, what now?
MORPHEUS: I dunno. I was expecting you to be more disturbed.
NEO: Yeah, well, it would have been, but now that I've seen that Beach Bunny video... *shudder* It's burnt onto the back of my retinas.
MORPHEUS: Well, you should have seen me when I was undercover at Moulin Rouge.
NEO: (unwillingly gets mental image) NOOOO!!!!!
MORPHEUS: I had to sing 'Lady Marmalade'.
NEO: NOOO!!!!!
MORPHEUS: In a bunny girl outfit.
NEO: STOP!!!!! STOP!!!! (starts hitting self on head) GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!!!!
TRINITY: I think he wants out.

(They wake Neo up)

TRINITY: Easy, Neo. Easy.
NEO: Too - gross - ick - WHY CAN'T I STOP PICTURING IT????
EVERYONE: *shrugs*
NEO: *stumbles around randomly, hitting head on things, trying to stop him picturing it*
GIRL#28: He looks weird when he's gone psycho.
GIRLS: *stare in disbelief*
GIRL#28: *hastily* But still hot.
CYPHER: He's gonna pop.
GIRLS: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
AUDIENCE: Pop? What the heck is pop?
TRINITY: Thank god you didn't mention that Cypher had to do it as well.
NEO: IIIIIICKYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! *throws up*
AUDIENCE: Ew. Gross.
OBSESSIVE FAN: You know, in the film, he was actually throwing up then. He'd eaten a bad curry or something.
AUDIENCE: Ick. We reeeeally wanted to know that.
NEO: *collapses*
TRINITY: Whoops, he heard me. Silly, silly, silly.
MORPHEUS: Bad girl. Go weld.
TRINITY: Hmph.

 

Chapter 10 - Switch's makeover

NEO: Zzzzzzzz......
MORPHEUS: Neo?
NEO: Zzzzzzzz......
MORPHEUS: Neo!
NEO: Gawaschwoozle.
MORPHEUS: NEO!
NEO: Kapukin.
MORPHEUS: WAKE UP NEO!!!
NEO: Wha? Why?
MORPHEUS: So that I can tell you why I did this.
NEO: Oh, you go ahead...
MORPHEUS: We never free a mind once its reached a certain age blah blah blah at the beginning blah blah remake Matrix as he saw it blah blah blah...
AUDIENCE: Where is the kung fu?
OBSESSIVE FAN: Here soon!
AUDIENCE: HOW SOON???
OBSESSIVE FAN: Like, next scene.
AUDIENCE: WHOOOOO!!!!!
MORPHEUS: I did what I did because I believe that search is over.
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
GIRLS: He's so dreamy...
MORPHEUS: I was expecting you to be a little more surprised.
NEO: Zzzzzzz.....
MORPHEUS: NEO!!!!
NEO: What?
MORPHEUS: You fell asleep!
NEO: Well, you were taking aaaages.
MORPHEUS: You're supposed to LISTEN.
NEO: To you?
MORPHEUS: Yes.
NEO: .... I can't go back, can I?
MORPHEUS: If you could, would you really want to?
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: Then no.
NEO: Damn.
MORPHEUS: Get some rest, you're going to need it.
NEO: For what?
MORPHEUS: Your training.
NEO: Hello? Training? We're on a tiny ship!
MORPHEUS: *raises one eyebrow*
NEO: Ah, right... It's another one of those confusing things, isn't it?
MORPHEUS: Yup.

* * * * *

LIGHTS: Bzzzzzz.
NEO: Zzz-snort - wha? Wha?
TANK: Morning. Did you sleep?
NEO: Yeeeano.
TANK: What?
NEO: Hell no.
TANK: Oh. You will tonight. I guarantee it.
NEO: That sounds like a threat.
TANK: It is.
NEO: Oh, OK. Just so that I was sure.
TANK: I'm Tank, I'll be your operator.
NEO: You don't have any-
TANK: Brain?
NEO: I was going to say holes, but that makes sense too.
TANK: Well, I do have a brain, as you will see later in the film. But no holes.
NEO: Oh.
TANK: No, me and my brother Dozer are 100% old-fashioned homegrown traditional conventional home grown-
NEO: Enough adjectives.
TANK: Born right here, in the Real World. Genuine child of Zion.
NEO: Umm... Am I supposed to be impressed?
TANK: Yes.
NEO: Who's Zion?
TANK: It's a PLACE.
NEO: Ah. Where?
TANK: Deep underground, near the earth's core where it's still warm-
NEO: I was just being polite.
TANK: Jerk.
NEO: What?
TANK: Um... Jerk.
NEO: Oh, OK.
TANK: Live long enough you might even see it.
NEO: Now that definitely is a threat.
TANK: What if it is?
NEO: You have stuff to learn on subtlety.
TANK: Come on, we gotta get to work.
NEO: Work?... I'm slightly, um, occupied.
TANK: With what?
NEO: Uh... sleeping.
TANK: I thought you said you didn't sleep.
NEO: I lied.
TANK: Oh, OK. Come on.
NEO: I just TOLD you! I'm BUSY!
TANK: Get your ass in motion, boy!
NEO: OK. Aaah, back to normal.
TANK: Now, we're supposed to start with these operational programs, they're major boring-
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
NEO: You shouldn't say bad words.
TANK: ... Let's start with something a little more fun. How about - combat training.
NEO: Uh... yeah, um, that disk looks thrilling. Macrame? I’m gonna learn – macramé.

TANK: Damn, Morpheus has been messing up the disks again.

(Load weird program that makes Neo look all freaked)

NEO: WHOA!!!!!
TANK: Hey, Mikey, I think he likes it!
OBSESSIVE FAN: That line comes from an advert for Life cereal in the 50's and 60's, and is said by the mother to the father-
AUDIENCE: We don't care! We're guessing that kung-fu is coming soon!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Hmph.
TANK: You want some more?
NEO: Hell yes!

(Later, Neo still is having programs loaded, Trinity comes along)

TRINITY: How's he doing?
TANK: Ten hours straight, he's a machine.
EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TANK: Not LITERALLY!
EVERYONE: Oh.
NEO: I can apply eyeliner.
TRINITY: Show me.

(Cut to beauty salon. Neo and Trinity are standing there with make-up bags, hair dye etc)

TRINITY: This is a make-up program, similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It still has basic rules, rules like 'Blue and Green must not be seen'. What you must learn is that these rules can never, NEVER be bent. Or broken.
NEO: Really? So that's where I've been going wrong...
GIRLS: I doubt he could look bad, even if he was wearing pus yellow and sludgy green.
BOYS: Don't be so sure... did you see him in 'the Devil's Advocate' when his wife had just killed herself?
GIRLS: Well, I think we can warrant his face looking slightly weird when he's crying his eyes out.
BOYS: Pfffft... I guess...
TRINITY: Do you understand?
NEO: Yes.
SWITCH: Then beautify me...
TRINITY: If you can.
SWITCH: HEY!!!!

(However, her cries of protest were soon subdued when Neo, with a battle cry, set upon her with hair extensions, blusher, mascara, foundation, eyeliner...)

MOUSE: Neo's beautifying Switch!
APOC: GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!!!

(They watch the highlighting and beautifying process)

MOUSE: Jesus Kee-rist, he's fast... Look at her eyebrows, they're way above normal...
SWITCH: Come on, stop trying to exfoliate me and exfoliate me!

(Morpheus came to investigate what was going on. He wasn't happy)

MORPHEUS: What gives?
MOUSE: Um, Neo's giving Switch a makeover.

(Back in the beauty salon, they'd finished the makeovers. Trinity had been giving Cypher a makeover at the same time.)

TRINITY: Morpheus, who is hotter now?
MORPHEUS: Uh... No offence Neo, but I've gotta say Cypher.
NEO: Awww, why?
MORPHEUS: Well, lets just say that I'm sorry you weren't available before we went undercover at Moulin Rouge.
TRINITY: How did I beat you?
NEO: She's too ugly...
SWITCH: HEY!!!!
MORPHEUS: Neo, have you done the kung-fu program?
NEO: Hell yeah.
MORPHEUS: Show me.
NEO: Aw, this is more fun.
MORPHEUS: Do it.
NEO: Hmph.

(They go to the sparring program)

MORPHEUS: Blah blah sparring program blah blah rules like gravity blah blah Hit me if you can.
NEO: Um, sorry, what?
MORPHEUS: Show me what you know.
NEO: Um, OK. (starts singing, with proper dance moves) Everybody was kung fu fighting! Whar! Woo har! Those kicks were fast as lightning, Hah! Woo- cha! In fact, was a little bit frightening -
MORPHEUS: Huh... I think we loaded the wrong program...
TANK: Why do we even have that program?
MORPHEUS: Um, it was a buy 2 get 1 free offer... we could have that one or one of pastry making.
NEO: But they fought with expert timing... HAH!!!!!
MORPHEUS: We'll try it again tomorrow...

 

Chapter 11 - Cat fights, forks that bite and the coolest thing in the UNIVERSE

MORPHEUS: .... blah blah blah then hit me if you can.
NEO: Do I haaaaave to?
MORPHEUS: Yes. It keeps the people who are only here for the kung fu happy. Plus it looks great on the adverts.
NEO: Well, you can't argue with that. *takes up some kung-fu pose*
MORPHEUS: *takes some pose that looks like it's for ballet, not fighting*
GIRLS: Neo did his with much more style...
NEO: Chophitpunchchop.
MORPHEUS: Blockchoppunch Nya na.
NEO: Grrrr.
MORPHEUS: Your weakness is not your-
NEO: Kick.
MORPHEUS: OWWWWW!!!!! *rubs shin while hopping on one foot* That HURT!!!
NEO: Hehe.
MORPHEUS: Alright, you asked for it. Kickchoppunchkickblock.
NEO: Kickleappunchchop.
MORPHEUS: Leap very sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly...
NEO: *manages to roll out of the way, make a sandwich, eat it, and defeat Misty on his Pokemon game*
MORPHEUS: ................. and land, breaking the floor. Whoops.
NEO: *taps foot on ground* And the point of that WAS?
MORPHEUS: It looks cool.
NEO: *snort*
MOUSE: Morpheus is fighting Neo!
TRINITY: Lemme through, lemme through! Great teasing opportunity!
SWITCH: We'll follow as well as we have nothing else to do.
APOC: I'll follow and manage to fit another line into my minimal dialogue.
CYPHER: I'll follow and bug Trinity. Hehe.

(By now, Morpheus and Neo have given up on kung-fu and have descended into a cat fight)

NEO: *slap* Loser!
MORPHEUS: *slap* Freak!
NEO: *slap* Lamoid!
MORPHEUS: *slap* Weirdo!
NEO: I'd pull your hair, but you don't have any!
MORPHEUS: I'd rather have no hair than YOURS!
NEO: Your ass is bigger than Trinity's!
MORPHEUS: You're more FEMININE than Trinity!
NEO: Oh yeah? You're less masculine than Switch!
TRINITY + SWITCH: *crack knuckles and glare*
CYPHER: Uh-oh.
NEO: *very dramatically runs up beam, somersaults in the air and jumps over Morpheus' head*
MORPHEUS: I see London, I see France...
NEO: *lands*
MORPHEUS: *kick*
NEO: *crash*
BEAM: Hey, I'm keeping out of this!
MORPHEUS: How did I beat you?
NEO: *rubs back* That was totally uncalled for!
MORPHEUS: You think that's air you're breathing now?
NEO: What are you implying by that?
MORPHEUS: *shrugs* Again.
AUDIENCE: *captivated by super-cool fighting*
ANNOYING PEOPLE: You can sooo see him grabbing the wires...
AUDIENCE: *glomp annoying people on the head*
NEO: Kickchopkickchopkicksomemore.
MORPHEUS: Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.
YODA: Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.
NEO: *looks between two* Huh?
YODA: Stole my line he did.
MORPHEUS: No I didn't!
YODA: Yes you did. Said it to Luke Skywalker I did. Drove his spaceship into a swamp the stupid git did.
NEO: You seemed much nicer in the films.
YODA: Yeah, well, know what to tell you I don't.
MORPHEUS: Go away.
YODA: Oh, nice that is. Stupid rip-offs...

(After much more fighting, Neo manages to nearly hit Morpheus, but his hand stops, like, two centimetres from his face)

NEO: I know what you're trying to do.
MORPHEUS: I'm trying to free your mind.
NEO: ... Really?
MORPHEUS: What did you think?
NEO: Work off some off the flab.
MORPHEUS: HEY!!! Tank, load the jump program.

(They zoom to the top of some buildings)

NEO: Hey, I was only joking, you don't need to shove me off a building!
MORPHEUS: You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt and disbelief.
NEO: That's tricky... Y'see, I'm afraid that I doubt my ability to let go of my disbelief, and I don't believe that I'll be able to let go of my fear and doubt-
MORPHEUS: *jumps to next building to get away from Neo*
NEO: Whoa...
AUDIENCE: That's articulate.
NEO: *eyes split paving stone, smirking* I was right about you needing to lose a coupla pounds, huh?
MORPHEUS: Well, at least I can JUMP!!!
NEO: Well, so could I!
MORPHEUS: PROVE it!
CYPHER + TRINITY + APOC + SWITCH: *appearing on the building next to Neo* Drop! Drop! Drop! Drop!
NEO: *jumps* Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa.................
PAVEMENT: Stretch.
NEO: Boing OW!!!!
MOBILE PHONE: *jumps up and down on Neo's head* HA! Now you know how it FEELS!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......... You FELL!
GOLLUM: Ssssilly Neo!!
EVERYONE: *blink*
AUTHOR: Um, Gollum, what are you doing here?
GOLLUM: We wanted to be in the story!
AUTHOR: Oh, whatever.
MORPHEUS: Where were we?
NEO: You were denting my self-esteem.
MORPHEUS: Oh yeah. Hahahahahaha.
GOLLUM: Hahahahaha!!!!
NEO: Alright, so I can't jump, but can you do THIS? *sticks out his tongue and touches his nose with it*
MORPHEUS: Huh. Big deal.
MOUSE: That is the coolest thing in the UNIVERSE. Do it again!
NEO: *obligingly touches his nose with his tongue again*
MOUSE: Oh, COOL!
MORPHEUS: *sulk*
NEO: I can cross my eyes at the same time, too, look - *proceeds to do so*
MOUSE: I KNEW it! You ARE the One!
MORPHEUS: *pout* Thwack.
NEO: OW! What was THAT for?
MORPHEUS: *sulk*
GOLLUM: Hahahahaha.
NEO: Stop LAUGHING at me!

* * * * *

TRINITY: *muttering* Stupid Morpheus, making me take dinner into Neo, he thinks he's so great, just cos he's BALD-
NEO: ROOM SERVICE!!!!!!!
TRINITY: *stomps into room and throws tray at Neo*
NEO: Hey, OW! Why do people enjoy causing me PAIN?
TRINITY: Maybe because you ARE a pain! *stomp stomp stomp slam*
CYPHER: Hey Trinity.
TRINITY: BAH!!!!!!
CYPHER: Whoa, chill, girl. I don't remember you ever bringing ME dinner.
TRINITY: I don't think I remember kicking your ass either.
CYPHER: *takes hint* There is something about him though, isn't there?
GIRLS: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh*
TRINITY: *looks back at Neo* What, HIM?
NEO: This orange juice has biiiiiiits.... Trinityyyyyy, I didn't want it with biiiiiiiits.......
TRINITY: I'll tell you where you can shove that orange juice-
CYPHER: I wonder why Morpheus hasn't taken him to see the Oracle?
TRINITY: Would you want to be seen with him in public?
NEO: OW! Trinityyyyy, the fork BIT me!
CYPHER: I see your point.

 

Chapter 12 - Random hats and expecting the unexpected

MORPHEUS: The Matrix is a system, Neo, and that system is our enemy-
NEO: HEY!!!! *shoves person back* Don't push me!
PERSON: You talkin' to me?
NEO: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!
PERSON: Oh yeah? *shove*
NEO: Yeah! *SHOVE*
PERSON: Aaaargh!
MORPHEUS: Um, Neo, it's not nice to shove people into concrete walls.
NEO: He PUSHED me! You know I don't like it when people push me!
MORPHEUS: OK, calm down, Neo.
NEO: Sorry.
MORPHEUS: Anyway, when you're inside, look around. What do you see, business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, the very minds of the people we're trying to save-
NEO: HEY!!! *shoves another person who just pushed him* You want some??
MORPHEUS: NEO!!!
NEO: What?
MORPHEUS: Leave the people alone!
NEO: Aw, why?
MORPHEUS: Because they are part of the system, and that makes them our enemy.
NEO: What? Shouldn't that be a reason to shove them?
MORPHEUS: No, it's not. It's just a reason to run away from them.
NEO: Are you sure? It's really satisfying. Watch! *shoves random person* See? You try.
MORPHEUS: Neo-
NEO: What? They don't like me! Look, that policeman's glaring at me!
POLICEMAN: *glare*
MORPHEUS: Neo, come on. Anyway, most of these people are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it.
NEO: *watches women in the red dress* Drool.....
MORPHEUS: Were you listening to me Neo?
NEO: I never listen to you.
MORPHEUS: Or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?
NEO: Hell yes.
MORPHEUS: Look again.
NEO: Hell yeah! *turns round to see Agent Smith pointing a gun at his head, still wearing the red dress* AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AGENT SMITH: What? I thought it was flattering.
NEO: *covering eyes* Go away! Go away!
MORPHEUS: Freeze it.
NEO: WHAT??? KEEP HIM THERE????
MORPHEUS: And put him back in his suit! Who switched it so that he would be wearing the dress?
CYPHER: Hehe.
TRINITY: You're a jerk, Cypher.
GIRLS: Duh.
NEO: This isn't the Matrix?
MORPHEUS: No.
NEO: Then why the hell did you tell me it was?
MORPHEUS: I didn't. You just assumed it was.
NEO: Are you dissing my assumption?
MORPHEUS: Anyway, this is a training program designed to teach you one thing.
NEO: If it's about not taking red pills, I'm way ahead of you.
MORPHEUS: No. If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
NEO: Who are they?
MORPHEUS: Sentient programmers. They can move in and out of any software still hard wired to the system.
NEO: Um... sorry, what?
MORPHEUS: Basically, they're a total pain in the butt.
NEO: Oh, right.
MORPHEUS: Anyway, anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially an agent.
AUDIENCE: *eye each other nervously and edge away from each other*
MORPHEUS: Inside the Matrix, they are everyone and they are no-one.
NEO: OK.
NEO'S BRAIN: Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
MORPHEUS: We have survived by hiding from them and running from them.
NEO'S BRAIN: Then it wouldn't be the unexpected, would it? It would expected. So you're not really expecting the unexpected, you're expecting the expected unexpected.
MORPHEUS: But they are the gatekeepers.
NEO'S BRAIN: But then, if you're expecting the unexpected, would that make the expected unexpected?
MORPHEUS: They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys.
NEO'S BRAIN: So expecting the expected unexpected means that the unexpected is in fact the unexpected expected.
MORPHEUS: Which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them.
NEO'S BRAIN: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
MORPHEUS: Neo?
NEO: Yes?
MORPHEUS: I'm not going to lie to you.
NEO: Um... right, you do that.
MORPHEUS: Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an agent has died.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh, bummer.
MORPHEUS: But where they have failed, you will succeed.
NEO: Um... that's pretty spiffy, I guess.
GIRLS: SPIFFY??? It's MARVELLOUS!!!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall, men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air.
NEO'S BRAIN: So if you're expecting the unexpected, then the expected is unexpected, so you should really expect the expected, which is the unexpected - shut up brain, shut up.
MORPHEUS: But their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules.
NEO: OK.
MORPHEUS: Do you understand?
NEO: If you expect the unexpected expected are you still expecting the expected unexpected?
MORPHEUS: What?
NEO: Nothing.
MORPHEUS: What are you trying to tell me?
NEO: I'm not sure...
MORPHEUS: Oh, wait, you're supposed to ask that.
NEO: What?
MORPHEUS: Ask me what I'm trying to tell you.
NEO: What am I trying to tell you?
MORPHEUS: No, no, say 'what are you trying to tell me.'
NEO: What are you trying to tell me?
MORPHEUS: Now ask about whether I'm telling you can dodge bullets.
NEO: Am I telling you you can dodge bullets?
MORPHEUS: No, no, am I.
NEO: I don't know. Are you?
MORPHEUS: No, Neo. I'm telling you that when the time comes, you won't have to.
NEO: ... Won't have to ask you whether I'm telling you that you can dodge bullets?
MORPHEUS: NO, I'm telling you that when the time comes, you won't have to dodge bullets.
NEO: Oh....... uh, why?
MORPHEUS: Can't tell you that. That would give away one of the best effects of the film.
NEO: Oh... well, can't argue with that.

(A phone rings. All the frozen training program people come to life and check to see whose phone it is, including Agent Smith, who starts yelling into the phone 'Hello? HELLO?')

MORPHEUS: Wait, it's mine!
AGENT SMITH: You have Busted as your ringtone?
MORPHEUS: What's wrong with Busted?
NEO: I think they're cool! I've been to the year 3000! Not much has changed but they live underwater! And your great-great-great granddaughter -
MORPHEUS: *opens phone* Yes?
TANK: We got trouble.
NEO: - is pretty fi-i-ine, she's pretty fine....
MORPHEUS: What sort of trouble?
TANK: We're picking up something on our radar.
MORPHEUS: What is it?
TANK: Oh, it's so cool, it sends out sound waves in all directions and it bounces back, and the computer calculates by how long it takes to return-
MORPHEUS: TANK! What is it picking up?
TANK: Oh. I dunno.

(For some reason, the camera cuts back to the Nebuchadnezzar, which is aglow and looks remarkably like Space Mountain)

MORPHEUS: Did Zion send word?
DOZER: No, they know this ship.
TRINITY: Especially since that HILARIOUS prank you played involving Commander Lock and several cans of funny foam.
MORPHEUS: Oh yeah... *giggles*
TRINITY: *glare*
MORPHEUS: What? It was funny.
NEO: *goes flying to the other side if the ship* Ooof.... Is it really necessary to spin around in circles all the way down this tunnel thing?
TRINITY: Apparently. *glares at Morpheus*
DOZER: Shi-
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
NEO: You shouldn't say BAD WORDS!!!!
DOZER: Squiddie sweepin' in quick.
NEO: Squiddie?
TRINITY: A sentinel. A killing machine designed for one thing.
NEO: Wait, wait, let me guess - to teach us that if you are not one of us, you are one of them?
TRINITY: No...
DOZER: Search and destroy.
NEO: WHAT????
MORPHEUS: Neo-
NEO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Calm yourself, Neo. Set her down over there.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Don't you think that squiddie is such a cool name? Squiddie. Squid-die. Squid-DIE. SQUID-die. Squiddie. Hey, squiddie sounds like squidgy-
AUDIENCE: Shhh!!!
TANK: EMP armed and ready.
NEO: EMP?
TRINITY Electromagnetic pulse. Disables any electrical system in the blast radius. Only weapon we have against the machines.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well, no, actually, in 'The Animatrix' we see that the crew of the Osiris use machine guns against the squiddies pursuing them-
TRINITY: Don't start with me!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Oh yeah?
TRINITY: Yeah!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Bring it!

(Trinity makes to leap out of the cinema screen, but is pulled back by Neo)

GUYS: Awwww.
AUDIENCE: Hey, again, where's Switch and Apoc? And Mouse and Cypher for that matter...
MORPHEUS: *puts on hat*
EVERYONE: *silence*
NEO: ... I'll ask. Um... the hat?
MORPHEUS: You gotta problem with it?
NEO: No... *smirk*
TRINITY: It's probably to stop the lights reflecting off his head.
MORPHEUS: Less of that.
SQUIDDIE: Whirrrrr. Open claws dramatically. Freak everyone out for a reason they can't fathom.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Scary...
SQUIDDIE: Floatie floatie floatie away.
NEO: Bye bye!!!! *waves maniacally*

 

Chapter 13 - Cypher is a BAD BAD MAN with a distinct lack of - well, a bad word

CYPHER: Hmmm. Evil thoughts.
NEO: *appear*
CYPHER: WHOA!!!!
NEO: Hey, that's my line!
CYPHER: Neo! You scared the sh-
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
SQUIDDIE: Watch your language!
NEO: You shouldn't say bad words! You SHOULDN'T! I'm TELLING!!!
CYPHER: Calm Neo. Breathe.
NEO: Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah! *hits Cypher*
CYPHER: Ow!
NEO: That's for being pessimistic before!
CYPHER: You're strange.
NEO: When I came in, did I terrify you to the very depths of your soul?
CYPHER: No...
NEO: DAMN! Alright, let me try again. *runs out again*
CYPHER: ...
NEO: *appears outside Nebuchadnezzar in white nightie* Before you die, you see - THE RING!!!!!!!
CYPHER: *blink*
NEO: Come on! You had to be scared that time!
CYPHER: No. Just worried.
NEO: Aw, damn. *vanishes again*
CYPHER: ...

(He hears a tinkering on the side of the ship and goes to look. He sees a small figure pulling parts out of the side, which turns and waves at him)

NEO: No! No! You're getting it all WRONG! Be SCARY!
GOLLUM: Where'ssss our fisssshessss, Precious? He promisssed fisssshesss!
NEO: Cypher, you had to be scared that time!
CYPHER: No. We're not flying, for one thing...
NEO: DAMN! Go home, Gollum.
GOLLUM: Where'ssss our fisssssh?
NEO: No fish for you! That was the worst gremlin impression I've seen! I knew I should have asked Boromir...
GOLLUM: Sssstupid Neo! *walks off* I told you he was tricksssy, I told you he was false...
CYPHER: *wonders what on earth is coming next*
NEO: *comes into the room very slowly, glaring at Cypher. This would surely look very scary, had he not been wearing a chicken costume*
CYPHER: Oh god.
NEO: *glare threateningly*
CYPHER: Neo?
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: Neo?
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: Neo, what - are - you - doing?
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: Neo, stop it.
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: You're really bugging me!
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: Neo, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
NEO: Nevermore.
CYPHER: STOP IT!!!

(A boot comes sailing out of nowhere and hits Cypher's head)

TRINITY: Keep it DOWN! Some of us are trying to SLEEP!!!
CYPHER: Neo, what are you doing?
NEO: Well, I couldn't find a raven costume. This was the closest I could find.
CYPHER: A chicken outfit?
NEO: What? They're freaky.
CYPHER: Chickens?
AUTHOR: You've obviously never been chased by one while wearing open toed sandals. *shudder*
CYPHER: Why were you trying to scare me?
NEO: *shrugs* It was funny.
CYPHER: Hm.
NEO: Is that-
CYPHER: The Matrix? Yeah.
NEO: I just thought it was a really nifty screensaver.
CYPHER: Hm.
NEO: Do you always look at it encoded?
CYPHER: No, actually we can look at the actual pictures, but I like looking at it encoded. Makes it just that little more confusing.
NEO: Touch-Y.
CYPHER: I don't even see the code. I just see blonde, brunette, redhead.
GIRLS: What's he WATCHING? Perv.
CYPHER: I know what you're thinking.
NEO: You DO??
CYPHER: I'm thinking the same.
NEO: You ARE??
CYPHER: In fact, I've been thinking it ever since I got here.
NEO: You HAVE??? Wow, what a weird coincidence!! Now, do you think Jasmine looks better in her blue crop-top-and-trousers outfit, or in that fancy one she wears when the Sultan announces their engagement? Because while the blue one bears more midriff-
CYPHER: Um, Neo - what are you talking about?
NEO: You've been thinking about Aladdin, right?
CYPHER: Uh, no.
NEO: Well, what HAVE you been thinking about?
CYPHER: Why oh why didn't I take the *takes breath* BLUE!!!!!

(The word echoes around the sewers, and eventually up to the surface. Shot of the desert of the real with 'BLUE!! BLUE!! BLUE!!' echoing around it)

TRINITY: *throws other boot* DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME???
CYPHER: - pill.
NEO: Yes, right...
CYPHER: Here, have a drink.
NEO: *drinks*
CYPHER: Good shi-
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
NEO: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!! *starts crying*
TRINITY: Oh, now look what you've done! *gives Neo a hug* Don't worry, Neo... he'll stop...
NEO: H-h-he sh-sh-shouldn't... it's BAD...
TRINITY: Look, whenever any of us want to swear, we'll just say another word. Agreed?
CYPHER: *sarcastically* Yes Auntie Trinity.
NEO: *hits Cypher again*
CYPHER: Ow!
TRINITY: *leaves again*
CYPHER: Where were we?
NEO: Drink.
CYPHER: Oh yeah. Dozer makes it. Good for two things. Degreasing engines and killing brain cells.
NEO: You drink it a lot?
CYPHER: Yeah.
NEO: Well, that explains a lot.
CYPHER: What- HEY!
NEO: Hehe.
CYPHER: So, did he tell you why he did it?
NEO: What?
CYPHER: Why you're here.
NEO: I'm here cos I followed a creamy beige rabbit and hopped into a car with one hot woman, one freaky woman and one guy who has so far had a grand total of about five lines, then touched a freaky mirror. Why are YOU here?
CYPHER: .... Pretty much the same reason. But do you know why he unplugged you?
NEO: Um.... because I'm such a lovely person?
CYPHER: *laughs loudly*
NEO: What?
CYPHER: Hahahaha.... nothing... Did he give you some long confusing speech?
NEO: Several.
CYPHER: Oh. About you?
NEO: Yeah, but I slept through most of it.
AUDIENCE: So did we.
CYPHER: What a mind job. So you're here to save the world.
NEO: I am?... Neat.
CYPHER: What are you supposed to say to something like that?
NEO: I snored.
CYPHER: ... Yeah, that's a pretty good response.
NEO: It's like when it's your birthday party, and everyone starts singing happy birthday - I mean, what do you while everyone is singing that?
CYPHER: Yeah, it's difficult to know what to do when you're a kid.
NEO: Who said anything about being a kid?
CYPHER: What?
NEO: Never mind.
CYPHER: A little piece of advice. You see an agent, you do what we do. Run. Run your ass off.
NEO: Does Trinity have to do that a lot?
CYPHER: Yeah.
NEO: Then why is her ass still-

(Another boot comes flying out of nowhere)

TRINITY: We are trying to SLEEP here!
CYPHER: Why do you have three of the same boot?
TRINITY: I misunderstood the '3 for the price of 2' sale sign.
NEO: Ah, been there.

* * * * *

AGENT SMITH: Do we have a deal, Mr Reagan?
AUDIENCE: *GASP* That's - that's - that AGENT dude!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Agent Smith, and DUH.
IMPRESSIONABLE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: *remember him in the dress and shiver*
CYPHER: I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth-
AGENT SMITH'S BRAIN: My goodness, humans are dull. I must ask for a bigger Christmas bonus this year... I wonder whether that sale on the toothpaste I like is still on?
CYPHER: After nine years, you know what I realise? *chew with mouth open*
GIRLS: Ick.
CYPHER: Ignorance is bliss.
AUDIENCE: Well, you would know.
HARP: HEY MUM!!! I'M ON TV!!!!!!!
AGENT SMITH: So do we have a deal?
AUDIENCE: Hey, wait - they're making a deal? *GASP* That's NOT GOOD!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Again, duh.
CYPHER: I don't wanna remember nothing. NOTHING.
AGENT SMITH: You already don't remember grammar rules.
CYPHER: Screw you.
AGENT SMITH: Articulate.
CYPHER: Receding hairline.
AGENT SMITH: Non-existent hairline.
CYPHER: All right, that's it!!!

(A fight ensues, which results in both Agent Smith and Cypher being chucked out of the restaurant. They are forced to find alternative cuisine)

CYPHER: Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah - I know this Filet-O-Fish doesn't exist. I know that McDonalds is telling me that it's healthy, and tasty, and fish. After nine years, do you know what I realise? Don't believe anything a company advertised by a clown tells you.
AGENT SMITH: You didn't know that already?
CYPHER: I want to be rich. Someone important, like an actor.
AGENT SMITH: Radio may be a better option for you.
CYPHER: HEY! Quit INSULTING me! And I want to be an ACTOR!!
AGENT SMITH: So be it! You will be the FELLOWSHIP of the RING!!!
CYPHER: Uh, no...
AGENT SMITH: Fine.
CYPHER: I get my body back into a power plant, you insert me into the Matrix, I'll get you what you want.
AGENT SMITH: Access codes to the Zion mainframe.
CYPHER: No, I told you, I don't know them.
AGENT SMITH: That doesn't surprise me.
CYPHER: ... I can get you the man who does.
AGENT SMITH: Morpheus.
AUDIENCE: *twigs what's going on* GASP!!!!! He's a BAD BAD MAN!!!!!!!!!!
GIRLS: He doesn't hurt Neo, does he?
GUYS: We want more kung-fu...
OBSESSIVE FAN: SHHH!!!

 

Chapter 14 - Tasty Wheat, crebain from dunland and the wonders of Rhutastic

TANK: Here you go, buddy. Breakfast of champions.
NEO: Uh, what do the losers get? I think I'd prefer it, preferably.
TRINITY: You do realise that just because you're wearing a hat, and Morpheus wore a hat, it won't make you as smart as him.
CYPHER: I know. I mean, look at Mouse.
MOUSE: Hey! If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating runny eggs.
NEO: And that's better... why?
APOC: That or a bowl of snot.
SWITCH: Ew ew ew.... *pushes bowl away* Why did you have to say that?
APOC: I've now said about six lines! Whoooo!!!
SWITCH: Hey, has anyone seen my white nightie?
NEO: *innocent look*
APOC: Speaking of which, my chicken costume has gone missing too.
TRINITY: So has some of my underwear, but I know who's taken that.
CYPHER: What? What? Why do you always assume it's me?
TRINITY: Because it always IS.
CYPHER: That may be true, but...
MOUSE: You know what I always liked? Tasty Wheat.
THESHIZ: WOOOOO!!!! Tasty Wheat!!! *frolics madly*
AUDIENCE: *blink*
MOUSE: Did you ever try Tasty Wheat?
SWITCH: No, but technically, neither did you.
NEO: Oh, it's too early for technically...
MOUSE: That's exactly my point!! EXACTLY!!!
TRINITY: It is? That's a first.
MOUSE: Because you have to wonder, how did the machines know what Tasty Wheat tasted like?
NEO: Look, I just want my BREAKFAST!!! Not PHILOSOPHY!!!
MOUSE: Oh, come on! This my only major dialogue in the whole film! Work with me here!
NEO: Fine, go ahead...
MOUSE: Maybe they got it wrong! Maybe what I think Tasty Wheat tastes like actually tastes like oatmeal or tuna fish?
NEO: *picturing his goop tasting of tuna* Ew. *pushes bowl away*
MOUSE: That makes you wonder a lot of things.
TRINITY: No, it makes YOU wonder a lot of things. We couldn't care less. there's a DIFFERENCE.
MOUSE: You take chicken, for example.
CYPHER: *pictures Neo in chicken outfit again* Hehehe.
TRINITY: What?
CYPHER: Ahem. Nothing.
MOUSE: Maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything.
NEO: It does? I never noticed.
MOUSE: Maybe they couldn't figure out-
APOC: Shut up Mouse.
AUDIENCE: THANK you!
DOZER: It's a synthetic protein combined with artificial aminos, vitamins and minerals.
TRINITY: Pretty much like Diet Coke.
NEO: Well, he could have just SAID that...
DOZER: Well, this shows that I have an IQ and can use words with three or four syllables.
NEO: Ah, that's always good.
DOZER: Everything the body needs.
MOUSE: It's not everything the body needs.
NEO: I know. I mean, I know that I can't work without the cool, refreshing taste of - Rhutastic! The drink made from 100% liquidised rhubarb, with no artificial flavourings!
TRINITY: NEO, WHAT DID I TELL YOU-
NEO: What? I was going to buy Pokemon Sapphire with the money.
MOUSE: Really? I was going to get Ruby. I mean, I got Pokemon Red the first time round, so it just sort of fits, doesn't it?
NEO: You got Red? I got Blue, because Squirtle was always a favourite of mine-
TRINITY: Can we get back to the SCRIPT????
NEO: The script's kind of gone out the window.
MOUSE: Literally. *points out window*
SENTINELS: *reading script* Oh god, I can't believe how much of a WEED Neo is later... Um, a subway station? Like it isn't completely OBVIOUS what's going to happen?
DOZER: Anyway, it's supposed to be everything the body needs.
MOUSE: It's not everything the body NEEDS.
AUDIENCE: Well duh.
MOUSE: So, uh, what did you think of her?
NEO: Who?
MOUSE: The woman in the red dress.
NEO: She was HOT.
MOUSE: I designed her.
NEO: You deserve an award or something.
GUYS: Too right.
GIRLS: *glare*
MOUSE: She, um...well she doesn't talk very much, but...but if you'd like to meet her, I can arrange a much more personalized meeting. *nudge nudge wink wink*
NEO: What?
MOUSE: You know... get up close and personal. Get to know her a bit.
NEO: What?
MOUSE: *whispers in Neo's ear*
NEO: *eyes widen* You're BAD!!! *giggles*
SWITCH: Digital pimp, hard at work.
GUY #16: Wow, I must get a T-shirt with that on.
MOUSE: Pay no attention to these hypocrites, Neo.
NEO: Oh, I don't, don't worry.
MOUSE: To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing which makes us human.
NEO: Oh, so you won't mind if I eat these then? *pulls out massive basket of mini muffins and begins to devour them at astonishing speed*
EVERYONE: *blink*
TRINITY: Where did you GET those?
NEO: *shrugs*
MORPHEUS: Dozer, when you're done, take the ship up to broadcast depth. We're taking Neo to see her.
NEO: *with mouth full* Oo wego oshee?
TANK: What?
NEO: Oo wego oshee?
TRINITY: The Oracle.
TANK: You understood that?
TRINITY: My uncle had a really big tongue.

* * * * *

(Camera swivels round a telephone that is randomly ringing in an empty room. Suddenly the crew appears from nowhere)

MORPHEUS: We're in.
NEO: *snort*
MORPHEUS: What?
NEO: Sorry, but the black leather look is so OUT right now.
MORPHEUS: We meant in the MATRIX.
AUDIENCE: Oh great. We're just starting to understand when they spring this on us...

(They go down to the car. For some reason Mouse stays in the room, and Switch and Apoc at the door)

APOC: Why did you have to wear white?
SWITCH: Otherwise we'd look like we were going to a funeral or something.

(Clouds turn grey overhead and thunder claps sound, lightning streaks across the sky, and Crebain from Dunland fly over twice)

NEO: I guess this is what they call 'foreshadowing'.
MORPHEUS: Aw, man! Not Crebain AGAIN! They poo on our coats! *ducks into car*
NEO: Why do we all have to wear black?
TRINITY: Uh... *checks first ever Matrix draft* Apparently it's so that we're inconspicuous.
NEO: Oh yeah. Me inconspicuous. I mean, I'm so gorgeous I stand out a mile around.
TRINITY: *snort* You're so self-obsessed.
NEO: Oh, per-lease. You so think I'm hot.
TRINITY: I so do NOT.
NEO: Oh come on. You want me.
TRINITY: No, I don't, actually.
NEO: Fine, deny it all you want. Doesn't change anything.
TRINITY: *THWACK*
CYPHER: Yeah, I considered warning you, I tried that. Doesn't work.
NEO: *rubs head* Yeah, thanks for the consideration of telling me afterwards.

(They drive along)

GIRLS: Thank you Wachowski brothers for giving Neo back his hair...
TRINITY: *looks at Neo* Um, aren't you supposed to look at that noodle restaurant and be all meaningful?
NEO: Busy!
TRINITY: What are you doing?
NEO: I'm trying to get through Viridian Forest! Pikachu's level 15 now! He's just learnt Quick Attack!
TRINITY: Really. That's just FASCINATING.
NEO: Come on, you have a go. *hands her his Gameboy*
TRINITY: What do I do?
NEO: Just walk along.
TRINITY: OK. I'm walking along a path. Ooh, the fun of it all. Oh, and now I've got to battle? That's BRILLIANT... Non-stop thrill ride this game, isn't it? Oh, now what? Oh no, a WEEDLE...

(5 minutes later)

TRINITY: Pikachu, Thunderbolt! THUNDERBOLT!!! Come on, you don't have to take sass from some punk-ass Pidgey! No, no, THUNDERBOLT!!! Or faint, you useless little rodent. Oh, now Bug Catcher wants to fight? I'll give him a FIGHT-
MORPHEUS: We're here. Neo, come on.
NEO: Trinity, can I have my Gameboy back-
TRINITY: NO!!!!!!
NEO: OK, um, just, uh, give it back when you, um, can...

 

Chapter 15 - Painful metaphors, mean old women and Spoon Boy, um... has issues.

MORPHEUS: I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
NEO: OK! *steps forward and collides with door* OW! You told me I could walk through it!
MORPHEUS: I meant it metaphorically, Neo.
NEO: Metaphors are not supposed to HURT!
PRIESTESS: Hello Neo, you're right on time.
NEO: *rubs nose* OK.

(Goes into living room)

PRIESTESS: You can wait here with the other potentials.
KIDS: *look freaky*
NEO: Hey! White rabbits! *throws himself at the TV screen and hits his head* OWWWW!!!! Hey kid, what's with the spoon?
SPOON BOY: There is no spoon.
AUDIENCE: We have no idea why, but - that kid rocks the MOST!
NEO: What?
SPOON BOY: There is no spoon.
NEO: (grabs spoon and hits kid on the head with it)
SPOON BOY: Ow!
NEO: Doesn't seem so non-existent now, does it?
SPOON BOY: I was being metaPHORICAL!
NEO: Oh. So, if you're so AWESOME, why are you bending spoons?
SPOON BOY: I'm ready to be unplugged, but the Oracle thinks that I'm too unpredictable...
NEO: Uh, OK.
SPOON BOY: It's all Morpheus' fault! He's jealous! He's holding me back! *throws spoon into the corner of the room*
NEO: Um. You're slightly weird.
SPOON BOY: Well I should be! One day I will be the most powerful Matrix warrior ever!
NEO: ... Hey, Morpheus, I thought I was the most powerful one!
MORPHEUS: *whispering* You are. He just... has issues.
SPOON BOY: You're talking about me.
NEO: Who the hell are you? Anakin Skywalker gone bald?
SPOON BOY: Well, it's funny you should say that-
PRIESTESS: The Oracle will see you now.
NEO: Thank GOD. *runs away from Spoon Boy*
SPOON BOY: *glare*
MORPHEUS: Don't worry Spoon Boy.
SPOON BOY: No-one likes me. One day I'll get revenge.
MORPHEUS: Oh, come on, Spoon Boy, you don't want to hurt people.
SPOON BOY: But I do.
MORPHEUS: Uh-oh... not another one...
ORACLE: You're Neo. Not quite what you expected, huh?
NEO: Well, actually, I should have known... Oooh, are you making muffins?
ORACLE: No. Cookies. It's the head of the Zion council that makes muffins.
NEO: And, um, is he here?
ORACLE: Nope. You're stuck with someone who can see the future.
NEO: Aw, MAN!
ORACLE: I always thought that was kinda a big deal.
NEO: Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you.
ORACLE: I'd ask you to sit down, but I know you're not going to.
NEO: Really? *immediately sits down*
ORACLE: There's always one, isn't there? And don't worry about the vase.
NEO: What vase?
ORACLE: That vase- *is surprised to see it is still intact*
NEO: Nope, I won't worry about it. I mean, it's not my crummy housewarming gift that I don't have the heart to throw away and try to prompt young men to break it for you.
ORACLE: Look, just please, smash it for me.
NEO: Why should I?
ORACLE: I'll give you a cookie.
NEO: OK! *grabs vase and throws it out the door*
SPOON BOY: (from living room) OW!!!
ORACLE: I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
NEO: They can FIX it?

(As if to prove her point, the vase flew back, fully formed, and hit Neo on the back of the head)

NEO: OWWWW!!!! You little- You want some of this? Bring it on!
ORACLE: You're cuter than I thought.
GIRLS: *nod fiercely*
NEO: (modestly) Yeah, well...
ORACLE: I can see why she likes you.
GIRLS: Who? WHO?????
OBSESSIVE FAN: Oh, like it isn't completely OBVIOUS?
NEO: Who does? Who does?
ORACLE: Oh, I can't tell you that.
NEO: You're a mean old woman! This is the boost my self-esteem NEEDS!
ORACLE: I'm not telling you!
NEO: Oh no... it's Switch, isn't it?
ORACLE: I'm not telling you!
NEO: Oh, so much for your gifts of foresight!
ORACLE: Hey! Do not mock the magical powers of this world! Here, pick a card. Any card.
NEO: OK.
ORACLE: Ace of hearts?
NEO: No.
ORACLE: Damn.
NEO: WHO LIKES ME, GODDAMMIT????
ORACLE: Not too bright, though.
GIRLS: *seethe*
NEO: You know, for an Oracle you're pretty mean.
ORACLE: You know, for an anomaly, you're pretty pubescent.
NEO: Oooh, touche.
ORACLE: Do you know why Morpheus brought you here?
NEO: To punish me, apparently.
ORACLE: You think you're the One?
NEO: Well... maybe.
ORACLE: Pfft. At least the others had a brain.
NEO: Hey! And, WHAT others?
SPOON BOY: Way to give away a Matrix: Reloaded revelation, Oracle.
ORACLE: Uh... um... Do you know what that means? It's Latin.
NEO: OK.
NEO'S BRAIN: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!! Latin is so boring, it makes most people say yuck, it may be ancient Roman but who really gives a-
ORACLE: It means 'Know Thyself'.
NEO: OK.
ORACLE: Being the One is just like being in love. No-one can tell you are, you just know it.
NEO: Ummm...
AUDIENCE: Where is this conversation GOING?
ORACLE: Well, I'd better have a look at you.
GIRLS: We'll have a look at you, Neo. Prrr.
ORACLE: Open your mouth, say aaah.
NEO: Aaaaah.
ORACLE: Oooh, minty fresh.
NEO: Why thank you.
ORACLE: Now, I'm supposed to say "Hmmm, that's interesting."
NEO: There's a whole heap of stuff that I've been supposed to say. Say what you think.
ORACLE: I hate my job.
NEO: Ditto.
ORACLE: You already know what I'm going to tell you.
NEO: I'm not the One.
GANDALF: There's always one way to be sure!
ORACLE: No! No chucking anomalies in the fire!
GANDALF: But it normally works!
ORACLE: Gandalf, I've told you before, OUT!
GANDALF: Call me!
ORACLE: Where was I?
NEO: I'm not the One.
GIRLS: Well, he's the One for us...
ORACLE: Sorry kiddo. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.
NEO: For what?
ORACLE: Your next life maybe. Who knows.
OBSESSED FAN: Ah-HA!!!
AUDIENCE: No! No!
OBSESSED FAN: What? It's just-
AUDIENCE: *put hands over there ears* Lalalalalalalalalalala!
ORACLE: What's funny?
NEO: Oh, it's just this really good joke I heard... A crewmember, a Zionite and an agent all go into a bar-
ORACLE: You're not allowed to be cheerful! Um... MORPHEUS IS GOING TO DIE!!!!
NEO: What?
AUDIENCE: WHAT???
ORACLE: Well, not definitely...
NEO: Don't DO that to me! This guy pays my salary!
ORACLE: What salary?
NEO: WHAT??
ORACLE: Anyway, Neo...
NEO: I'll kill him! I want my salary!
SPOON BOY: There IS no salary!
NEO: Alright, THAT'S IT!

(Both Neo and Spoon Boy pull out light sabres and start duelling with them, with the other kids standing around chanting 'Fight! Fight! Fight!')

ORACLE: Morpheus believes in you, Neo!
NEO: *stops fighting* He does? OW! *clutches arm and turns to Spoon Boy* I'd STOPPED!
SPOON BOY: *cackles*
ORACLE: Yes, he believes in you.
NEO: He DOES?? That's so TOUCHING!!! *sniff* NO-ONE HAS EVER BELIEVED IN ME!!!! I think I need a hug...
GIRLS: *throw themselves towards cinema screen*
ORACLE: He believes in you so much that he's going to sacrifice his life to save yours.
NEO: Bummer.
AUDIENCE: I'll say.
ORACLE: It looks like your going to have to make a choice. On one hand you'll have Morpheus' life, and on the other, you'll have your own.
NEO: Damn, I suck at making choices.
ORACLE: Good luck in the sequel, then.
GIRLS: Choose your life! YOURS!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Hey!
GIRLS: What? You're not cool. you're old and BALD!
MORPHEUS: *sniff*
NIOBE: Works for me.
ORACLE: Here, have a cookie. I guarantee that by the time you're done eating it, you'll start feeling better.
NEO: (takes a bite, then his eyes widen and he starts smiling vacantly)
ORACLE: Uh-oh.*checks recipe book* Whoops, that's 1 gram of Prozac, not ten.
NEO: Hee hee hee.
ORACLE: Come on, out the apartment, out the apartment.
NEO: Can I have another cookie?
ORACLE: Take them all!
NEO: YAY!
MORPHEUS: What was said was for you and you alone.
NEO: Hahahahahaha, you're going to DIE!
MORPHEUS: . Cheerful. Come on.

 

Chapter 16 - Innocent room dividers and the EVIL GAS CLOUD!!!

AUDIENCE: This film really is getting too confusing.
OBSESSIVE FAN: I know! Why not kill off a non-essential character?
WACHOWSKI BROTHERS: Ooh, good idea. Now who should we pick?...
MOUSE: *looking at piece of paper* Drool...
GIRLS: Why are so many of the crew pervs?
TANK: They're on their way.
TRINITY: No, no, Pikachu, THUNDERBOLT! You're USELESS! OK, so he's got an Onix, what's good against them? Squirtle! Go Squirtle! Come on, Bubble! Hey, Onix can't use Rock Throw! That's unfair! Hey, no- no- STOP KILLING MY POKEMON!!!!!!!! *turns off Gameboy and throws it across the car* Stupid game!
CYPHER: *grin*
NEO: Wait, you're CHEERFUL? That's not right! You must be up to something!
CYPHER: Why does everyone always say that?
TRINITY: Stupid Onix, who does that Hiker think he is, I can defeat Team Rocket but not him? What sense does that make? Stupid Mount Moon, it's too long-
NEO: *sees cat* Huh, deja vu.
TANK: *screens go all weird* STUPID CONNECTION!
AUDIENCE: Uh-oh, that's not good, is it?
TRINITY: DEJA VU?????
CREW: PANIC PANIC PANIC!!!!!!
NEO: ... That's a cool name for a cat.
CREW: PANIC PANIC what?
NEO: See? *picks up cat* His name's Deja vu!
CYPHER: You really are a jerk.
NEO: What was the fuss?
TRINITY: Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.
NEO: Oh, I've seen about a million deja vus since I entered.
TRINITY: WHAT????
CREW: PANIC PANIC PANIC!!!
AGENTS: *cut hardline*
TANK: They cut the hardline, it's a trap, get out!
OBSESSIVE FAN: You heard the man, OUT OUT OUT!!!!!!!!
GIRLS: *crying* RUN, NEO! RUN!!!!
MORPHEUS: Come on people, we need to be away laughing on fast camels!
MOUSE: Oh no!
TANK: Oh no!
AUDIENCE: Oh NO!
MOUSE: *gets shot*
THESHIZ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY??????? WHY??????????????????
AUDIENCE: Whoa, that's - a lot of punctuation.
CYPHER: That's it. That's what they changed. It's a trap. We can't get out.
MORPHEUS: Be calm.
CYPHER: We're all going to die. The Apocalypse is nigh. I see my death before me. There is no hope.
MORPHEUS: ENOUGH of the PESSIMISM! Yeesh.
SWITCH: What's yeesh?
MORPHEUS: How the hell should I know?
APOC: Neo.
AUDIENCE: Who's that?
OBSESSIVE FAN: APOC!
AUDIENCE: *shrug*
APOC: I hope the Oracle gave you some good news.
NEO: Nah, not really.
APOC: Oh. Great.
NEO: She gave me a cookie, though.
APOC: Score!
AGENT SMITH: Eighth floor.
ANNOYING PEOPLE: Well, actually, on the plans Tank looks up, you see that it's in fact the ELEVENTH floor-
AUDIENCE: *hit annoying people*
AGENT JONES: Where are they?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, where?
NEO: I'm surprised you can fit through this wall, Trinity.
TRINITY: And what is that supposed to mean?
NEO: Nothing you can't put BEHIND you... *snigger*
TRINITY: *kick* Snigger yourself.
NEO: Ow! Trinity, you just kicked my head! That HURT!
CYPHER: *cough*
COP: Hmm...
CYPHER: *cough* Inthewalls *cough*
COP: What?
CYPHER: *cough* We're-in-the-walls *cough*
COP: Can you repeat that?
CYPHER: We're IN THE GODDAMN WALLS!!!!!!!
COP: *gasp* Backup! There's a slight possibility that they may be in the walls! *fires*
GIRLS: No! No! Don't hurt our Ke-Ke!
COP: *turns into Agent Smith*
AUDIENCE: What? Oh NO!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Yeah, little bit.
WALL: I'm just an innocent room-divider caught in the crossfire. Literally.
AGENT SMITH: Not any more. SMASH.
GIRLS: NOOOO!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Raaaargh!
WALL: Will people please stop smashing through me? There is such a thing as doors!
TRINITY: MOOOORRRRPHEEEEEUUUUUUUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEO: *clutches ears* Ow!
AGENT SMITH: *sigh exasperatedly*
MORPHEUS: You must get Neo out! He's all that matters!
GIRLS: Oh too true.
NEO: No! Morpheus, don't!
MORPHEUS: Trinity, go!
AGENT SMITH: Look, can we cut the dramatics short? Heavy man, not getting lighter?
TRINITY: Go!
CYPHER, SWITCH + APOC: *slide*
AUDIENCE: Oooh, fun!
NEO: We can't leave him!
TRINITY: Neo, there is a time for heroics, but this isn't it!
NEO: Why?
TRINITY: Because there's no room for kung-fu here! *kicks head*
NEO: OW!

(They go tumbling down the wall and go through a weird grate in the floor)

TRINITY: Cypher, come on!
CYPHER: Ooof.
TRINITY: Oh no. We must abandon him. I am so sad.
GIRLS: As are we.
GAS CLOUD: Mwahaha. I have claimed another victim!
AGENT SMITH: The great Morpheus... we meet at last... Could have asked for different circumstances though.
MORPHEUS: I concur. I look grey. And you are?
AGENT SMITH: A Smith... Agent Smith.
MORPHEUS: You're all the same to me.
AGENT SMITH: Ex-cuse ME! I am WAY cooler than Agent Brown!
MORPHEUS: Pfffft.
AGENT SMITH: *push*
MORPHEUS: OW! Ow ow ow ow ow!!! You know, that HURT! You should really be more careful! You could have seriously hurt me!
AGENT SMITH: *rise up eerily*
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! Nifty!
AGENT SMITH: Punchpunchkick.
MORPHEUS: Kickjumppunch. OW!!!
AGENT SMITH: Bye!
POLICE: Yes. We're useful. We have a purpose. Really.
MORPHEUS: I'll believe that when I see it.
POLICE: All right. *hit him with truncheons*
MORPHEUS: Hey! That was uncalled for!
TANK: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
AUDIENCE: Ooh, bummer.
CYPHER: I need an exit.
TANK: Cypher?
GIRLS: Damn.
CYPHER: Yeah, there was a car accident. Goddamn car accident.
AUDIENCE: Uh, what's that got to do with anything?
OBSESSED FAN: Well, in the original script, it says about how Cypher was being taken away in the police van, but it crashed, and Cypher was able to escape.
CYPHER: Somebody up there still likes me.
GIRLS: We certainly don't.
CYPHER: *hangs up* Pffft. Me not good as an actor. What does he know?
TRINITY: Tank, it's me.
TANK: Mum?
TRINITY: No!
TANK: *gasp* Morpheus?
TRINITY: NO! IT'S TRINITY!
TANK: What? I got a place?
TRINITY: *seethe*
TANK: Whoops, sorry Trin. You're the only one I know who seethes so audibly.
NEO: Is Morpheus still alive?
TRINITY: Is Morpheus alive, Tank?
TANK: They're taking him somewhere.
TRINITY: Well duh. We need an exit.
TANK: You're not far from Cypher.
TRINITY: Cypher? DAMMIT!
TANK: Yeah, he made it.
TRINITY: This day just gets worse and worse.
NEO: Bad luck comes in threes.
TRINITY: Well, only one more thing then. Can't be too bad, right?
NEO, SWITCH, APOC, OBSESSIVE FAN, AGENTS, SANTA CLAUS AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF ELVES: ...
TRINITY: Right?

 

Chapter 17 - The axing of unnecessary characters continues

WACHOWSKI BROTHERS: Still too confusing. Let's axe more unessential characters. I mean, let's face it, no-one's going to want an APOC action figure.
APOC: I resent that.
CYPHER: Mwaha. Watch as I turn EVIL.
CYPHER'S GUN: Schweeeeeee!
TANK: Ow! Owowow! Buuurn!
DOZER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AUDIENCE: Ooooh, now that's a rebuttal.
PHONE: Ring ring. Haha, I have as much a role in this film as the handbag in 'The Importance of being Earnest'.
TRINITY: Cypher? Where's Tank?
CYPHER: Consider this the third thing.
TRINITY: That's not good.
CYPHER: Nope.

(Shot of him sitting right next to Trinity)

GIRLS: *shudder* Ewww!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: How could Carrie-Anne Moss have stood it?
CYPHER: You know, for a long time I thought I was in love with you.
APOC: Me too, actually, but I'm not going ka-ka-koo-koo.
SWITCH: So did Morpheus. And Mouse.
TRINITY: What?
NEO: You are HOT, girl. Albeit mean.
TRINITY: Neo, don't get started on that now-
NEO: Pencil stealer.
TRINITY: Neo-
NEO: You're a BAAAAD girl. *wink*
TRINITY: ...
CYPHER: Hello? Can we get back to my betrayal?
TRINITY: Fine...
CYPHER: I HATE MORPHEUS! I HATE NEO! I HATE SWITCH AND APOC! EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOTHING!
PHONE: Too true. I have a bigger part than them.
CYPHER: I HATE EVERYONE! I HATE MYSELF! Wait. No I don't. I like myself. It's everyone else I hate.
TRINITY: *picking up phone again* Hello? Hello? What were you saying? You took ages, so I went to get a latte.
CYPHER: Well, to sum up, I hate everyone, and now you have to watch Apoc die.
AUDIENCE: Who?
OBSESSIVE FAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AUDIENCE: Wasn't he that agent dude?
OBSESSIVE FAN: NO!!!!
APOC: *die*
EVERYONE: ...
SWITCH: Isn't anyone going to say "NO!" or anything?
TRINITY: Didn't really know him enough.
AUDIENCE: What was his name again?
NEO: *playing Gameboy again* Oooh, Misty is HOT.
TRINITY: You do it.
SWITCH: FINE. *ahem* NOOOOOOO!!!!! OH WHY GOD WHY?????? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
TRINITY: That was good.
SWITCH: I've been practising.
CYPHER: You're too freaky to live. If you've got anything important to say to Switch, say it now.
TRINITY: Switch, have you seen my mascara?
SWITCH: Yeah, I used it to unclog the drain.
TRINITY: WHAT? I'm GLAD I switched your shampoo for bleach for now!
SWITCH: That was YOU? I thought it was Cypher!
TRINITY: ... You did?
CYPHER: Everyone always blames me for everything. Bye Bye.
SWITCH: Farewell friends! Thus Switchy ends! Adieu! Adieu! Adieu! *collapse*
TRINITY: Goddamn you Cy-
SWITCH: *sit up again* Adieu! *collapse*
TRINITY: Goddamn you-
SWITCH: ... Adieu!...
TRINITY: Goddamn-
SWITCH: ... Adieu!...
TRINITY: LOOK, JUST DIE ALREADY!
NEO: What? Starmie is level 20???? That's not fair!!!
CYPHER: Don't hate me Trinity.
TRINITY: You're about ten years late, Cypher. I've ALWAYS hated you.
CYPHER: So, anyway, Neo can't be the One, because if he is, then I can't kill him, can I? There'd have to be some miracle to stop me, right? I mean, how can he be the One if he's dead?
GIRLS: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CYPHER: Look into his eyes. His big, pretty eyes.
GIRLS: You forgot to mention 'intelligent' and 'deep'.
CYPHER: Yes or no?
TRINITY: Umm...
NEO: Hah! Take that, Starmie! Just one more Thunderbolt and - hey, wait - WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? YOU CAN'T USE RECOVER!!! Wait - hey - WHY IS YOUR HP STILL RISING????? YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!!!!!!!!!
TRINITY: Uh...
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: Time for the author to try and make this parody tie in with the plot! ZAP
TRINITY: ... Yes.
CYPHER: No! I don't believe it!
TANK: Ooof. Believe it or not, you piece of -
AUDIENCE: *GASP*
TANK: You're still gonna burn!
CYPHER: No! It's just - she didn't disagree!
TANK: She DIDN'T?
CYPHER: No!
TANK: But - but she always -
CYPHER: I KNOW!!!
TRINITY: Um, Tank, weren't you kind of in the middle of something?
TANK: Oh yeah!
TANK'S GUN: Schweeeeee.
CYPHER: OW!
AUDIENCE: WOOOOOOO! GO TANK!!! GO TANK!!!!!!
NEO: Did I miss something?
TRINITY: *shakes head*
NEO: What's up?
TRINITY: Did you just become somehow hotter in the last thirty seconds?
NEO: What?
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: Bwahahaha! I really must stop doing this...

* * * * *

AUDIENCE: Wow. Three helicopters.
AGENT JONES: YAY! Screen time!
AGENT SMITH: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marvelled at its beauty?
AGENT BROWN: Hooray for whoever decided to build this opposite a woman's gym.
AGENT JONES: Yes, hooray.
MORPHEUS: When you're done ogling...
AGENT SMITH: Watch as I undermine human confidence. Very slowly of course. Blaaaaah blaaaaaah blaaaaaah...
MORPHEUS' BRAIN: This is it. This is how they're going to kill me.
AGENT SMITH: Blaaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaaah...
MORPHEUS' BRAIN: Must... fight...
AGENT SMITH: Blaaaah blaaah blaaah...
MORPHEUS' BRAIN: Drowsiness.... imminent...
AGENT SMITH: The world was perfect, but you rejected it, so now it's basically crap. There's no strength left in the world of men. They're scattered, divided, leaderless.
MORPHEUS: There is one who could unite them. One who reclaim the title of system anomaly.
AGENT SMITH: He turned from that path long ago. He has chosen Pokemon.
MORPHEUS: I'd noticed.
AGENT SMITH: You're like a dinosaur. In more ways than one. Old, dull and disliked unless dead.
AGENT BROWN: There may be a problem.
AGENT JONES: Yes, problem.
AGENT SMITH: Why do you guys keep SAYING that?
AGENT BROWN: *shrug*
AGENT JONES: Yes, *shrug*

* * * * *

NEO: What are they doing to him?
TANK: Breaking into his mind.
NEO: Messy.
TANK: No, it's like a computer. All it takes is time.
AUDIENCE: It DOES? OK, I'm trying that.
TANK: And soon his alpha-wave pattern will uniform and yes no-one understands these words but they sound good.
NEO: ....
TANK: They're going to try and get the access codes to the Zion mainframe so that they can defeat us like that.
NEO: Oh. That's bad, right?
TANK: Just a bit.
TRINITY: Hmm, how can we make this movie more tragic?
TANK: I say we kill Morpheus! Or in the very least, be about to, but then Neo suddenly decides to be heroic!
TRINITY: Sounds good to me. Let's try and fit in a tragic shot of the four bodies on the floor as well.

* * * * *

MORPHEUS: Oh, these evil mind-overwhelming techniques...
STEREO: Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena! Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena! Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena! HEEEEY MACARENA!!!!
MORPHEUS: No no no no NO....
AGENT SMITH: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
AGENT BROWN: No, don't.
AGENT JONES: Yes, no.
AGENT SMITH: What?
AGENT JONES: Not sure...
AGENT BROWN: Yes, sure.
AGENT SMITH: Would you guys STOP contradicting yourselves?
AGENT BROWN: No.
AGENT JONES: Yes, no.
AGENT SMITH: Must... resist... killing... agents...
AGENT BROWN: Come on, let's send out sentinels so that they have a horrible horrible death.
AGENT JONES: Yes, horrible horrible death.
AGENT SMITH: Sounds good to me.

 

Chapter 18 - Who Wants to Betray Mankind?

AGENT SMITH: Why isn't the serum working?
AGENT JONES: Probably cos you blew most of the budget on the suits.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, suits.
AGENT SMITH: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
AGENT JONES: What are you going to do?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, do?
AGENT SMITH: How the hell should I know?

5 MINUTES LATER

AGENT SMITH: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to 'Who Wants to Betray Mankind.' Here we have Morpheus, who is on his 'Life or Death' question, to prevent me from squashing his head. Here goes: Morpheus, what are the codes to Zion Mainframe? Is it

A) Neo_rulz?
B) Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious?
C) The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain?
or D) None of the above, please specify?

MORPHEUS: Bleurgh.
AGENT SMITH: I think he wants to phone a friend.

*****

TANK: Alright, Morpheus, we think you've been great. You always gave us extra goop on our birthdays. Bye. *reaches to pull out plug*
TRINITY: *looks at Neo expectantly*
NEO: ...
TRINITY: Neo?
NEO: What?
TRINITY: This is where you say stop.
NEO: It is? Oh. STOP!
TANK: What?
NEO: (to Trinity) Now what do I do?
TRINITY: Say how you feel.
NEO: Tank, I'm hungry.
TRINITY: That'll do.
NEO: ...
TRINITY: So?
NEO: What?
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: Once authors use the happy fairy they can't go without it... ZAP
NEO: THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A FREAKY COINKIDINK! I MUST GO SAVE MORPHEUS!
TRINITY: Whoa. That was unexpected.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Ya think so?
TANK: What are you talking about?
NEO: The Oracle told me this would happen!
TRINITY: Really?
NEO: Yes.
TRINITY: Neat.
NEO: Well, anyway, I'm going to go be heroic.
TRINITY: No you're not.
NEO: Why not?
TRINITY: Because you're too gor- I mean, Morpheus sacrificed himself so that we could get you out.
NEO: He did that because he believed I'm the One. Which... I'm NOT.
LIGHTING: Crash! Boom! Bang!
TRINITY: We know.
NEO: What?
TRINITY: We thought Mouse was the One.
NEO: Ha, yeah, right, THERE'S a saviour of humanity.
THESHIZ: Shut it, you!
NEO: But Mouse is dead! I'm the One!
TRINITY: You just said you weren't!
NEO: Oh... yeah... right... I'm not.
TRINITY: But you have to be the One!
NEO: Why?
TRINITY: Because you're HOT. And the One has to be hot.
THESHIZ: Then what's the problem with Mouse?...
TRINITY: And also I love you- gi-oh.
NEO: What?
TRINITY: I love Yu-Gi-Oh.
NEO: Right. And that's means I can't go… why?
TRINITY: You just can't. You're the One.
NEO: But I'm not. Just another guy.
GIRLS: Pffft. Yeah, right.
NEO: But what was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm going to save Morpheus.
TANK: But it's a military controlled building! In the Matrix! With three agents!
NEO: And?
TANK: Isn't that enough to be getting along with? This is LOCO! SUICIDE!
NEO: Yes?
TANK: YOU'RE CRAZY! DEMENTED! CRACKED! INSANE! BANANAS!
NEO: Are you quite done?
TANK: I don't know.
NEO: Morpheus believed something, and he was prepared to give his life for what he believed. I understand that now. But that's why I have go.
TANK: Why?
NEO: Because I believe something too.
TRINITY: What?
NEO: I believe I look better heroic.
GIRLS: Hell yes...
TANK: Fine. Both of you go off and leave me. Again. Hmph. It sucks being the operator...
TRINITY: I'm coming with you!
NEO: Why?
TRINITY: Because I want to be heroic!
NEO: A girl can't be heroic!
TRINITY: Why not?
NEO: Because... I look better in a trenchcoat than you.
TRINITY: I beg to differ. Let me tell you what I believe.
NEO: Oh, great, heeeere we go...
TRINITY: I believe Morpheus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you were really serious about saving him you are going to need my help. And as the ranking officer on this ship if you don't like it, I believe you can go to hell.
GIRLS: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRINITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE NO LONGER HATE THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Much.
GUYS: *drool*

*****

AGENT SMITH: Humans are a VIRUS. You are ICKY. Unfortunately, we cannot kill you with a large dose of paracetemol. Well, we could, technically, but...
AUDIENCE: Hmm, he has a point... albeit an extremely depressing point...
MORPHEUS: Talk to the elbow cos you ain't worth the extension.
AGENT SMITH: You givin' me attitude?
MORPHEUS: Well, yes, I believe I am.
AGENT SMITH: You talkin' to me?
MORPHEUS: Yeah I'm talkin' to you!
AGENT SMITH: You wanna piece of this?
MORPHEUS: No, I prefer not to fight girls.
AGENT SMITH: What, worried they'll beat you?
MORPHEUS: Been through that experience before, have you, Smithy-boy?
AGENT SMITH: Don't call me Smithy-boy.
MORPHEUS: So funny, cos I think I just did.
AGENT SMITH: All right, that's it! *crosses over to stereo*
MORPHEUS: No! Anything but that! Please!
STEREO: Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena! Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena! Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena! HEEEEY MACARENA!!!!
MORPHEUS: NOOOOOOO!
AGENT SMITH: Bwahahahaha!
AUDIENCE: Wow. Agents are evil.
IM A BRANDYBUCK: Still cool, though.

*****

TANK: What do you need besides a miracle?
NEO: Guns. Lots of guns.
GUNS: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH.
AUDIENCE: *cover ears* Owww!
NEO: OK, um, not that many guns. Less guns.
GUNS: *poof*

(A small table appears, with a solitary pea shooter on it)

NEO: Oh, ha ha, very funny.
TANK: I thought so.
TRINITY: Tank, give us as many guns as tins of grease I've used.
GUNS: WHOOOOOOOOSH.
NEO: Hey, that's as many as before!
TRINITY: No, if you count, I think you'll discover there are at least five more.
NEO: Fine. Now where are the big guns?...
TRINITY: Neo, no-one's ever done anything like this.
NEO: That's why it's going to work. *hits gun*
GUN: BANG
NEO: Whoops. Heh, heh, heh.
TANK: NEO! STOP SHOOTING THE CONSTRUCT!
TRINITY: Uh, Neo, are you sure you know what you're doing?
NEO: Course I do. Here, you want me to get you a gun?-
TRINITY: (quickly) No, it's OK, I'll get one myself.

 

CHAPTER 19 - Darth Vader possessed boots and Agent Solitaire

AGENT SMITH: Can you hear me Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you.
MORPHEUS: Zzzz.
AGENT SMITH: Morpheus?
MORPHEUS: Zzzz.
AGENT SMITH: Morpheus?
MORPHEUS: (sleepily) Morpheus is out right now, can I take a message?
AGENT SMITH: MORPHEUS!!!!!!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Bah! What? What?
AGENT SMITH: Oh, so you can hear me.
MORPHEUS: I was sleepin'.
AGENT SMITH: Don't make me turn on the Macarena.
MOPRHEUS: (scared) I'll be good.
AGENT SMITH: Anyway, I'm going to be honest with you. *take out earpiece*
AUDIENCE: *gasp*
AGENT SMITH: *TAKE OFF SUNGLASSES*
AUDIENCE: *GASP* Not his sunglasses!
AGENT SMITH: I hate this place, this zoo, this reality, whatever you want to call it.
MORPHEUS: Well, I'm not too fond of it either, so if you'd show a bit of compassion and let me out I'd really appreciate-
AGENT SMITH: It's the smell!
MORPHEUS: The, uh - the what, sorry?
AGENT SMITH: The smell. It's.. smelly.
MORPHEUS: Imaginative adjective.
AGENT SMITH: Fine. It's stinking, foul, putrid, fetid, malodorous, disgusting, nauseating, abhorrent, vile, repulsive-
MORPHEUS: Do you have a Thesaurus in your head or something?
AGENT SMITH: Duh? Machine program? Do you really think we're not installed with Microsoft Word?
MORPHEUS: Really?
AGENT SMITH: Solitaire, too.
MORPHEUS: Oooh.
AGENT SMITH: Anyway, after spending so much time with you smelly people, I'm worried I'll become smelly too. SO I WANT OUT!
MORPHEUS: Ow! The exit isn't inside my HEAD!
AGENT SMITH: Well, it is metaphorically.

*****

NEO'S SHOES: Look! We're dramatic!
NEO'S SHOE #1: Well, I am WAY more dramatic than you.
NEO'S SHOE #2: Oh please, I beg to differ. I was in 'Puss in Boots'.
NEO'S SHOE #1: Oh yeah? Well, I was in 'The Old Woman who lived in a shoe'.
NEO'S SOCKS: Oh wow, that was YOU?
NEO: Would you guys keep it DOWN?
TRINITY: Where the hell did you get talking boots?
NEO: How the hell should I know?
TRINITY: Why the hell do you keep saying hell?
NEO: Hell knows.
TRINITY: Stop saying hell!
NEO: Hell no!
TRINITY: It's not very articulate, is it?
NEO: Fine. Helleth Nay!
TRINITY: *smack face with hand in despair*
GUARD: I'm surprisingly flippant for a guard of a government building. Please remove any metallic items you may be carrying, watch, keys-
NEO: Oh, OK. (throws lots of keys and coins and watches onto the floor)
GUARDS: *raise eyebrows* That's a lot of pockets.
NEO: Wait... still one more thing... Oh yeah! *fishes out One Ring*
TRINITY: Where did you get THAT?
NEO: I dunno. I ran into this wizard who seemed pretty desperate to offload it... oh wait, that's when I got the boots too.
TRINITY: What Dark Lord's soul do the boots contain?
NEO: Darth Vader's.
NEO'S BOOTS: Neo... I am your shoe.
NEO: Shut up, guys.
GUARD: Okey doke, walk through the doors again.
NEO: OK. *walk*
DOOR: Bleep.
NEO: Aw man! I might have left a key in my inside pocket... *opens coat to reveal guns*
GUARD: Holy-
AUDIENCE: *gasp*
NEO: What? Oh, them... now where's that key...
TRINITY: Uh, Neo, I think those were the metal things.
NEO: Guns aren't metal!
TRINITY: Yes they are!
NEO: No they're not!
TRINITY: What are they made of then?
NEO: You know... Gun stuff!
GUARD: Uhh...
NEO: Oh yeah. *SHOOT*
AUDIENCE: Well, that was uncalled for.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Not really, because if an agent realised they were downstairs then they could have taken over any of those guard's bodies and attacked Neo and Trinity-
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!
COPS: Freeze!
NEO: Do we do as they say?
TRINITY: Um, no.
GOVERNMENT LOBBY: You know, normally I'd object to being blown to bits, but this is the only way I get a documentary.
TRINITY: What is with me ALWAYS running on the walls? Do they think I'm some kind of... wall-runner?
NEO: *running with guns held out* YOOOU'LL NEEVEER GEET MEEE JOOOOOOOE!!!
TRINITY: Who the hell is Joe?
COP: Duh. GI Joe.
NEO: Uh, no, I meant Joe Byrne.
COP: The guy from Ned Kelly?
TRINITY: The HOT guy from Ned Kelly...
NEO: What? You think he's hot?
TRINITY: He's a naughty boy... prrr...
NEO: Uh, OK.
TRINITY: I'd let him out of his cage...
NEO: That's, um, nice.
TRINITY: Or join him in there...
NEO: TRINITY! STOP, PLEASE!
TRINITY: What?
NEO: *points at cops*
COPS: *confusement*
TRINITY: Oh, sorry. Let me take that gun from you.
AUDIENCE: Ooh, now that's cool.
NEO: *run*
TRINITY: Kickshootkick.
NEO: *run*
TRINITY: Punchkickchopshootshootshoot.
NEO: *run*
TRINITY: Shootshootshoot SHOOT! I broke a nail!
NEO: *run*
AUDIENCE: WHEN is he going to get to wherever he's running?
NEO: I miraculously seem to repel bullets now.
PILLARS: Wish we could do that...
NEO: I'm going to do a cartwheel to show that I'm just as limber as Trinity.
TRINITY: Yeah. Right.

(Much more fighting, with several cool tricks, but it is incredibly hard to make fun of)

NEO: *leaps into the air and kicks*
GIRLS: *sigh*
NEO: Alright, who's next? Hey, where did everyone go?
TRINITY: Come on, time to look cool.
NEO: I always look cool.
NEO + TRINITY: (walk across lobby and call lift)
LIFT: Ding.
PILLAR: Time to make the audience laugh. Crash.
AUDIENCE: Was that really necessary?

*****

AGENT JONES: What were you doing?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, doing?
AGENT SMITH: What does it look like?
SLASH AUTHORS: Uhh...
AGENT SMITH: You guys couldn't get me a sledgehammer, could you? His skull's really thick-
AGENT BROWN: He doesn't know.
AGENT JONES: No, know.
AGENT SMITH: What did you say?
AGENT JONES: No, know.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, no, know.
AGENT SMITH: WHAT?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, no, know.
AGENT JONES: Yes, yes, no, know.
AGENT SMITH: QUIET!
AGENTS BROWN + JONES: *quiet*
AGENT SMITH: What don't I know?
AGENT BROWN: They could be trying to save him.
AGENT JONES: Yes, him.
AGENT SMITH: Who?
AGENT BROWN: Morpheus.
AGENT JONES: Yes, Morpheus. Was that not obvious?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, obvious?
AGENT JONES: Exactly. Idiot.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, idiot.
AGENT JONES: You calling me an idiot?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, idiot.
AGENT JONES: You want some?
AGENT BROWN: Yes, some!
AGENT SMITH: God save us.

*****

TRINITY: Hmm, how can we fit more special effects into this film?
NEO: I say we blow up the lift.
TRINITY: I agree. Blowing stuff up is cool.
NEO: Me having to ditch my swooshy coat is not. Hey, standing on top of a lift with a bomb in it... I have the strangest sense of deja vu.
TRINITY: DEJA VU???
NEO: Not like THAT.
TRINITY: Pop quiz, hotshot. How can we make this more symbolic?
NEO: Uhh... there is no spoon.
TRINITY: Well duh.
NEO: You know what I mean.
LIFT: BOOOOOOOM.
SPRINKLERS: Haha. We are surprisingly comical.
AGENT SMITH: Aw man, my hair's ruined.
AGENT BROWN: You look good wet.
AGENT JONES: Yes, wet.
AGENT SMITH: Shut UP!
AGENT JONES: Grouchy.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, grouchy.
AGENT SMITH: Find them and destroy them!
SQUIDDIES: Hey, wasn't 'search and destroy' our job?

 

Chapter 20 - Squirrel moments and CRASHBOOMBANGSHATTERWHOOOOOOSH

HELICOPTER GUY: I repeat, we are under attack!
TRINITY: Ya think?
NEO: Hey, look, I'm so cool!
TRINITY: I'm cooler.
NEO: Oh yeah? I'm defeating everyone.
TRINITY: (throws knife over Neo's shoulder) Really?
NEO: Ahem. I knew he was there all along. I could have taken him. I know kung-fu.
AGENT BROWN: Show me.
AUDIENCE: Oh NO!
NEO: OK, uhh, I've decided that in light of the, um, current situation, guns are the way to go.
GUNS: We're always better than kung-fu.
AGENT BROWN: *dodge in a weird Morphy sort of way*
TRINITY: Hey, he's dodging like Morpheus!
AGENT BROWN: Puh-leaze. I am more limber than him.
NEO: Hey! It's you again! The butthole!
AGENT BROWN: STOP CALLING ME NAMES!! *raises gun*
NEO'S BRAIN: Uh-oh, not good. Don't ask Trinity for help, you'll look stupid-
NEO: Trinity! Help!
NEO'S BRAIN: Way to go, idiot.
TRINITY: *smirk*
AGENT BROWN: Either I fire really slowly, or this is some special effect.
NEO: Time for yet more bullet-timey-showing off.
AUDIENCE: Oooh, limber.
ANNOYING PEOPLE: Where have all the other bodies gone? Have they just miraculously VANISHED?
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!
TRINITY: How low can you go? How low can you go?
AGENT BROWN: Not low enough.
NEO: Ow! He ripped my jeans!
AGENT BROWN: Allow me to make your head match.
NEO: There's only one word for this sort of moment. But if I were to say it, this fic would probably need to go up a rating, so I'll settle for this being a squirrel moment.
AGENT BROWN: Squirrel? Where did that come from?
NEO: I don't know.
AGENT BROWN: Only human.
NEO: (defensively) You don't have to rub it in my FACE.
TRINITY: I've waited for this moment -
NEO: A squirrel moment?
TRINITY: DODGE THIS.
GIRLS: WOOOO! TRI-NI-TY! TRI-NI-TY!
GIRL #32: Uhh, she's still in love with Neo.
GIRLS: Oh yeah. *glare*
HELICOPTER PILOT: I feel so unfortunate.
NEO: (get up)
TRINITY: How did you do that?
NEO: Do what, get up?
TRINITY: You move like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast.
NEO: I only got up.
TRINITY: Idiot, I meant the whole dodging bullets thing.
NEO: Oh. I wasn't fast enough.
TRINITY: (sulky) Faster than I am.
NEO: What? You can't do that?
TRINITY: Uh...
NEO: I can do something Trinity can't! I can do something Trinity can't! I can do some-
TRINITY: I can do something you can't. (kicks Neo.... there)
AUDIENCE: *wince*
NEO: Ow! You beeyatch!
TRINITY: Why, thank you, Neo.
NEO: Bet you can't pilot a V-212 helicopter.
TRINITY: Bet I can. Just a second... Tank, I need a pilot program for a V- 212 helicopter.
TANK: See? I have a purpose. That's why I don't go out bowling while they're in the Matrix.
TRINITY: Come on.
NEO: (following) Hey, that's cheating!

*****

AGENT BROWN: *enter*
AGENT JONES: Way to go on the crew destroying thing, egghead.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, egghead.
AGENT JONES: Glad you agree.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, agree - wait, no I don't!
AGENT JONES: Yes you do.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, do - Hey, quit it!
AGENT JONES: (high-fives with Agent Smith)
NEO: Peek-a-boo!
AGENT SMITH: No.
AUDIENCE: Not more disagreeing...
NEO: Hey, Trin, I just realised! Peek-a-boo is like Pikachu! See? Peekaboo, Pikachu! Peekaboo, Pikachu!
TRINITY: Yes, Neo-
NEO: Don't you get it? Peeka BOO, Pika CHU-
TRINITY: NEO! FOCUS!
NEO: *sulkily* You didn't need to shout at me...
TRINITY: Why am I in love with this guy again?
GUN: Ratta tatta tatta tatta...
AGENTS: Nooooooo...
AGENT JONES + BROWN: Yes, noooooo...
AGENT SMITH: Don't start that again.
GUN: Ratta tatta tatta tatta...
NEO: Hey! Rattata! Hey, Trin, it's making a Rattata noise! It's a Pokemon!
TRINITY: *hits head on control panel repeatedly*
AGENTS: *shot*
ANNOYING PEOPLE: Ahem. Unfeasible. I mean, he shoots pretty much the entire room and somehow misses Morpheus? Yeah, right-
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!!
NEO: Get up Morpheus. Get up, get up.
MORPHEUS: Itchy... leg... must... scratch... *rips handcuffs apart* THANK GOD!!!! *scratches leg like mad*
NEO: MORPHEUS!!!
MORPHEUS: Hi Neo! Where did you come from?
NEO: *looks at helicopter* Uhh...
AGENT SMITH: Just to remind the audience that we can't actually be killed.
AUDIENCE: Damn.
MORPHEUS: *pulls off electrodes and stands up* MORPHY'S BACK IN TOWN!!!!!!
AGENT SMITH: *enters*
MORPHEUS: Aw, crud.
ANNOYING PEOPLE: Pfft. Yeah, right. Like the sprinklers are going to fill up the room THAT QUICKLY with water.
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!!
MORPHEUS: *run*
BULLET TIME: I recur almost as often as the phone.
MORPHEUS: *shot* OW!
NEO: He's not going to make it!
MORPHEUS: Oh ye of little faith. *jumps and PLUMMETS* Oops.
NEO: Bye Morpheus!
TRINITY: Neo?
NEO: What?
TRINITY: Shouldn't you be doing something?
NEO: Good idea! *pulls out Gameboy* So how am I supposed to get to the top of the tower in Lavender Town? Get a Silph Scope? But I'm here at Silph Co, why can't I get a scope? It's been overrun by Team Rocket? Aw man, I HATE those guys!
MORPHEUS: *still plummeting* Glad I mean so much...
TRINITY: No, Neo, I meant-
NEO: So I've got to defeat Team Rocket again? COOL!
TRINITY: FAIRY!
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: I'm here, I'm here, you know I do actually have a LIFE. ZAP
NEO: NOOOOOOO!!!!! *leaps to save Morpheus*
TRINITY: Wow, look at him go.
NEO: *plummets and catches Morpheus very dramatically* GOTCHA!!!
MORPHEUS: You took your time.
NEO: Look down, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: *looks down* ... Oh, Neo, how will I ever repay you, you are so brilliant and wonderful, you should be leader of the world, penguins would worship you...
NEO: OK, less grovelling.
TRINITY: (steers helicopter away)
AGENT SMITH: You can't say we're not persistent. *shoots tank*
TANK: NOOOOO!!!!
AGENT SMITH: Not that Tank.
TANK: Oh.
TRINITY: Oh great... *leans out window* YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!
AGENT SMITH: OH, LIKE WE'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE!!!
NEO: How much do you WEIGH, Morpheus?
MORPHEUS: Shut your mouth.
TRINITY: (grabs phone) Tank, I need a flight program for a V-212 helicopter with an anomaly and a slightly weighty individual hanging from it!
MORPHEUS: I HEARD THAT!!!!
TANK: Uh, I don't think those exist, Trinity...
TRINITY: Well, you're just useless, aren't you?
MORPHEUS: *falls* Oooh, useful building. Oof.
NEO: Time for me to go a'tumbling as well.
TRINITY: And I'm left steering the helicopter. Well, at least it's feminism. Which is always good... wait, aren't I about to die? Crap.
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: *sigh* ZAP
NEO: TRINITYYYYY!!!!! *leaps and starts sliding*
GIRLS: *sigh* He's so heroic...
NEO: Ow, butt burn, butt burn-
AUDIENCE: *look at girls very strangely*
TRINITY: Bloody helicopters. I'm going to shoot it to vent my anger. Oh crap, I'm losing the rope! *leaps after it*
NEO: Uh, the rope?
TRINITY: It's difficult to find good quality ropes nowadays!
SAM GAMGEE: True. Very true.
TRINITY: *fall in slow motion and crash into building*
BUILDING: Ahem... boom.
BUILDING #2: Feeble.
BUILDING: Fine... CRASHBOOMBANGSHATTERWHOOOOOOSH.
BUILDINGS: Ooooooh. Good one.
TRINITY: Ow. YOU IDIOT NEO, I BRUISED MY ARM ON THE WINDOW!!!
NEO: But - but - but -
TRINITY: YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!!
MORPHEUS: I knew it... he's the One.
RINGWRAITHS: Huzzah!!! *start galloping through the streets*
TRINITY: *pulled up* Whoa, Neo, you're strong...
TRINITY + NEO: *gaze* *gaze* *and gaze* *gaze some more* *still gazing*
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: My work is done.
MORPHEUS: Do you believe it now, Trinity?
NEO: MORPHEUS!!!!
TRINITY: Have you ever heard the phrase 'third wheel'?
MORPHEUS: Well, sor-ry, but wasn't this whole mission to rescue me?
TRINITY: Oh yeah, it was, wasn't it?
NEO: Morpheus, the Oracle - she told me -
MORPHEUS: She told you exactly what you needed to know. That's all.
NEO: Well, no, she told me Switch liked me.
MORPHEUS: She doesn't like you!
NEO: What? Then - who does?
TRINITY: Uh, don't you think it's time we got back to the Nebu - Neboo - Naboo - whatever its name is.
NEO: Naboo's a planet in Star Wars.
MORPHEUS: Uh, yes.
NEO: It's the one Padme comes from. First she was queen of it when she was about fifteen, then ten years later she was senator. But she wasn't the youngest queen ever-
MORPHEUS: Yes, it's TIME WE WERE GETTING BACK.
ANNOYING PEOPLE: What, so his leg's just suddenly miraculously better? Yeah, right-
AUDIENCE: *hit annoying people*

*****

AGENT SMITH: Damn. I hate people who drop litter.
AGENT JONES: Never mind. Deploy the sentinels.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, sentinels.
AGENT SMITH: Could you guys BE more annoying?
AGENT BROWN: Yes.
AGENT JONES: Yes, yes.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, yes, yes.
AGENT JONES: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
AGENT JONES: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
AGENT BROWN: Yes, yes-
AGENT SMITH: STOP! The word 'yes' is losing all meaning!
AGENT JONES: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
AGENT BROWN: I think he's stuck on a loop.
AGENT SMITH: Stupid 'Agents 99'. I keep telling the Architect to update our software.
AGENT JONES: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
AGENT SMITH: They're not out yet.

 

Chapter 21 - Agent Spoon Boy, Neo McFly and clanky inevitability

ANNOYING PEOPLE: Oh yes. A subway station. Like it's not completely obvious what's going to happen.
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!!!
NEO: Ladies first, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: What - hey!
TRINITY: Just get in there, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: *vanishes*
NEO: Wooo! We ditched him! Let's go out and buy micro scooters!
TRINITY: Neo, there's something I have to tell you...
NEO: What?
HOMELESS PERSON: *starts to turn into Agent Smith*
GIRLS: NO!!! NEO!!! LOOK ROUND!!! HE'S BEHIND YOU!!!
AGENT BROWN: Oh no he isn't!
AUDIENCE: Oh yes he is!
AGENT BROWN: Oh no he isn't!
AUDIENCE: Oh yes he is!
AGENT JONES: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
AGENT BROWN: Shut it, you.
TRINITY: The Oracle told me something... this something was very important... and I think I should tell you this something...
NEO: Yes?
TRINITY: This something has caused me to interrupt the mission... the something that I am thinking... right now...
NEO: YES?
AGENT SMITH: *sit up* Ick. Homeless dude sheets.
AUDIENCE: JUST PICK UP THE PHONE!!!!
TRINITY: Sorry, can't tell you. Bye.
NEO: WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT!!
TRINITY: Watch me.
AGENT SMITH: *shoot*
TRINITY: Oh crud.
AGENT SMITH: I don't know where you got the idea that a hand blocks bullets and trucks, Trinity.
TRINITY: Stopped you from killing me so far. *vanish*
PHONE: *boom*
TRINITY: Neo.
TANK: What happened?
TRINITY: An agent. You have to send me back, I just remembered what I needed to tell him!
TANK: I can't!
TRINITY: Morpheus, we need a new operator, this one's redundant.
MORPHEUS: Doesn't his sister have a husband? That would make an interesting angsty plotline.
AGENT SMITH: Good shot, huh, Mr Anderson? I shot the phone.
NEO: No you didn't.
AGENT SMITH: What?
NEO: It fell apart. Budget cuts. *taps side of phone booth, causing it to collapse* Whoops.
AGENT SMITH: Miiiiissssssss...
TRINITY: Run, Neo, run!
FEDEX DELIVERY GUY: Yeah, run!
TRINITY: Where the hell did you come from?
FEDEX DELIVERY GUY: Not sure.
AGENT SMITH: ... Dddddrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddddddeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr....
TRINITY: What's he doing?
MORPHEUS: Talking unbelievably slowly.
AGENT SMITH: ...rrrrrrrrrrsssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn.
NEO: Some time today would be good.
TRINITY: Run, Neo, run!
FEDEX GUY: Yeah, run Neo!
TRINITY: Look, GO AWAY!
NEO: (turns dramatically)
GIRLS: YES! NE-O!
GUYS: YES! KUNG-FU!
TRINITY: What's HE doing?
MORPHEUS: He's beginning to believe.
TRINITY: Believe what?
NEO: The TRUTH is OUT there!
AGENT SMITH: Out where?
NEO: Uh... Out there! *points up subway steps*
AGENT SMITH: What's the matter, Miss Draaaaanderson? Chicken?
NEO: Nobody calls me Miss Dranderson Chicken!
AGENT SMITH: Actually, I called you both. Two separate sentences.
NEO: Oh, OK. *pause* Hey, that's worse!
AGENT SMITH: Yes it is.

(They stare at each other, with a high 'guns at dawn' feel)

PAPER BAG: Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be tumbleweed, but ever since 'Signs' he's been unbearable to work with.

(They continue to stare)

AUDIENCE: *bated breath*
OBSESSIVE FAN: *basted bread* Mmm, sandwich.
NEO: There's only one way to settle this.
AGENT SMITH: I agree.
NEO: PIKACHU, GO!!
AGENT SMITH: *raises eyebrow*
NEO: Ah, you meant kung-fu, bullet time and several amazingly choreographed fights, don't you?
AGENT SMITH: Well, yes.
NEO: OK, Pikachu, back into the Poke Ball.
PIKACHU: Pika!
NEO: Oh great, you're going to be following me everywhere now, aren't you?
PIKACHU: Chu.
AGENT SMITH: What about rock-paper-scissors?
NEO: No... you'd find some way to cheat...
AGENT SMITH: How do you know that?
NEO: Because you're you.
AGENT SMITH: Well, I sure prefer it to being you.
NEO: Hey!
NEO'S SHOES: Use the Force, Neo!
NEO: Shut up! You're supposed to be normal boots!
NEO'S SHOES: *sulk*
NEO + AGENT SMITH: (leap, bullet time, end up with guns to each other's heads)
AGENT SMITH: You're empty!
NEO: So are you.
AGENT SMITH: No, I meant your head.
NEO: Hey! I'm sure there's something in there.
AGENT SMITH: Pffft.
NEO: *leap up in an amazing spinny way*
AGENT SMITH: *get to feet slowly*
AUDIENCE: FEEEEEEBLE!!!

(Much kung-fu fighting)

AUDIENCE: Oooh! Aaah! Ohhh! Ooooh!
GIRLS: WHY'S HE BEING SO MEAN TO KE-KE???
NEO: Oof!
TRINITY: Jesus, he's killing him.
AGENT SMITH: Well, that is the general idea.
MORPHEUS: Twenty bucks on Smith!
TANK: I dunno, Neo's got a lot of symbolism...
NEO: *gets to feet*
AUDIENCE: YES!! THE MORPHEUS HAND-WAVY THING!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: My work is done...
ANNOUNCER: And Neo becomes Dusty Fighting Neo! Available at all good toy stores!
TANK: I'll take that bet.

(Much more fighting)

JACK SPARROW: Pfft. Our sword fight was much better.
WILL TURNER: Yes, but you CHEATED.
JACK SPARROW: Would you stop going on about that?
AGENT SMITH: Hey, anomalies are much better punch bags than - punch bags.
NEO: Better get all your aggression out now, you're not going to win any other fights in the near future.
AGENT SMITH: OK! *pummel*
NEO: Oof ow eeh ow owch oof ow ah eeh ow...
AGENT SMITH: Hmm, what else can I do that's eeevil?
SUBWAY TRAIN: I don't know.
AGENT SMITH: Hmm...
NEO: *falls onto train tracks*
AGENT SMITH: Hear that, Miss Draaanderson?
NEO: Uh... no.
AGENT SMITH: What?
NEO: Am I supposed to be hearing something?
AGENT SMITH: Yes, maybe the subway train coming down the track.
NEO: Oh, I thought that was too obvious.
AGENT SMITH: Anyways, that is the sound of inevitability.
NEO: But you just told me it was a subway train!
AGENT SMITH: ...
NEO: So that's what inevitability sounds like? Slightly more clanky than I imagined.
AGENT SMITH: I meant it metaphorically.
NEO: You're in league with the kid with the spoon, aren't you?
AGENT SMITH: No, Neo... I AM the kid with the spoon.
NEO: NOOOOO!!!
AGENT SMITH: Goodbye, Miss Draaanderson.
NEO: My name is NEO. Or if you can't get that right, you could at least stop making me sound like a GIRL.
AGENT SMITH: Well, if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck...
NEO: HEY! *slams Agent Smith against ceiling*
ANNOYING PEOPLE: Of course, that's completely unfeasible, because if the rails aren't electrocuted and there's no overhead pylons, then how do those trains run?-
AUDIENCE: *throw popcorn at annoying people*
NEO: Time for a super-sporky back flip to prove to everyone that hello, I may have nearly been beaten, but I'm STILL the One.
GIRLS: How could we forget?
AGENT SMITH: *sees train* Oh, fu-
SUBWAY TRAIN: Smush.
NEO: Thank God. That profanity was too close for comfort.
AGENT SMITH: Inevitability hurts.
AUDIENCE: WOOOOOOOO!!!! NE-O! NE-O! NE-O! NE-
TRAIN: *brakes*
AUDIENCE: Dammit.
AGENT SMITH: *stepping off train* Sorry, people! Don't mind me!
JACK AND ANNIE (from Speed): Well, that was a way of stopping the train we didn't think of...
NEO: Hey! No fair! I can't do that!
AGENT SMITH: Do I look like I care?
NEO: You CHEATED!
JACK SPARROW: *sighs and hits face with palm*
NEO'S BRAIN: Hmm, consider your options... you can stay here and try to beat Agent Smith, until another train comes and you can shove him in front of THAT one, or you can run...
TRINITY: Run, Neo!
TANK: That didn't work before, did it?
TRINITY: Oh yeah - Stand and fight, Neo! Don't run like a little sissy girl!
NEO: I'm outta here.

 

Chapter 22 - Neo psychoanalyzes and Tank confuses

MORPHEUS: This is all very dramatic, isn't it? Wonder how it could get MORE dramatic?
SENTINELS: If we could venture our opinion.
TRINITY: OH FU-
ALARM: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
TANK: These profanities really are getting too frequent.
MORPHEUS: Charge the EMP!
TRINITY: But Neo's still in there!
MORPHEUS: He is? Oh yeah.
TANK: Got him! He's on the run!
TRINITY: Oh no, what's he been up to now?
MORPHEUS: Nothing too bad. He's generally very conscientious of laws...
PERSON ON STREET CORNER: If time is money, and knowledge is power, than because of the rule Power = work divided by time, then we can rightfully assume that Knowledge = work divided by money, and therefore when knowledge drops and work stays the same, we can deduce that the less you know, the more money you make-
NEO: *running up* Hiisthatyourphonewowit'sreallycoolcanIborrowitit'sjustthatI'mrunningawayfrom agentsandtheywanttokillmesoI'vegottogetoutofheresothankyouverymuch. *runs off again*
TRINITY: You were saying?
MORPHEUS: ... Go weld.
PERSON: Hey, that guy took my phone! He just took my phone!
RANDOM OTHER PERSON, WHO WE'LL CALL... TIM: Did he say why?
PERSON: In detail. (suddenly turns into Agent Smith)
AUDIENCE: BAH!!
NEO: Mr Wizard! Get me the hell out of here!
TANK: Uh, couldn't you just say "I need an exit"?
NEO: Well, it was a famous catchphrase in a 1950s cartoon. In every episode the main character, Tooter Turtle would wish to have a certain life, and his friend Mr Wizard the Lizard would give it to him, and then by the end of the episode he would realize that he didn't want that and call out "Help Mr Wizard!"
TANK: Um, that's - uh - nice.
NEO: As opposed to 'I'm a wizard, get me out of here', the reality show for Hogwarts students.
TANK: There's an exit about two miles away.
NEO: Two MILES? (calls back to Agent Smith who is still chasing him) It's another two miles!
AGENT SMITH: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me...

TWO MILES LATER...

NEO: (jogging at a leisurely pace just in front of Agent Smith) You know, maybe the reason you're so angry at mankind is that you have unresolved issues with yourself. You don't actually see yourself as adequate to the rest of the agents, and so you try to make yourself feel stronger by making humans seem weaker in your mind.
AGENT SMITH: Now that's a point I haven't considered...
NEO: Yes. In being mad at yourself, because of your sheltered programming, you immediately interpret it as being mad at humanity.
AGENT SMITH: Maybe... I mean, I do sometimes feel very vulnerable-
AGENT BROWN + JONES: *blink*
AGENT SMITH: I mean, uh, DIE, MISS DRANDERSON!!!
NEO: It's NEO!
AGENT JONES + BROWN: *shoot*
MELON SELLER: Well, would you look at that. They were good quality, they were.
GIRL: I say, mummy, what a big gun you have!
AGENT SMITH: All the better to shoot anomalies with.
GIRL: Can I try?
AGENT SMITH: Uh, maybe later.
NEO: *run*
AGENTS: *run*
AUDIENCE: This is all getting terribly exciting, isn't it?
GIRLS: RUN NEO RUN!!!!! RU-U-UN!!!!!!!!!
NEO: Uh, help! Need a little help!
TANK: Hmm, how about that completely obvious door?
NEO: *turns* Oh yeah. *kicks it down*
TRINITY: He wasn't that violent when we unplugged him, was he?
MORPHEUS: You weren't there when he heard the Cheeky Girls come on the radio, were you?
NEO: Now where?
TANK: Through the door.
NEO: . But there's TONS of doors!
KEYMAKER: You think THAT'S tons of doors?
TANK: Look, go through that one.
NEO: (runs through) AAAARGH!
TANK: Haha, fooled him.
TRINITY: Tank, we don't send anomalies into apartments full of crocodiles. It's just not done.
TANK: But where's the fun in that?
TRINITY: *glare*
TANK: Fine, it's that door.
NEO: Hey old ladies!
OLD LADY: I've GOT to start locking that door.
NEO: Oooh, do you have cookies?
KNIFE: Uh, no. We're not that kind of old lady.
NEO: Now a nice dramatic jump into rubbish. Ow, something pierced me!
AGENT SMITH: You can't say we're not persistent.
TRINITY: Oh no.
MORPHEUS: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

FIVE MINUTES LATER

MORPHEUS: ..eeeeeeere they come.
TANK: Morpheus, they're nearly in by now.
TRINITY: That was one long word.
TANK: OK, Neo, stand and listen, because this is important. You go left, right, right, left, right, left, left, straight on, left, right and then through a door.
NEO: Uh, OK-
TANK: No wait, it's left, right, LEFT-
NEO: I HATE YOU TANK!!!
TANK: Hehehe... who says there's no perks to this job?
TRINITY: What was the name of that other guy again?
AUDIENCE: Hey, that hotel looks familiar!
OBSESSIVE FAN: It's the same one at the beginning.
AUDIENCE: So it IS!
NEO: You know, it's very hard to climb fire escapes when you guys are shooting at me!
AGENT BROWN: Oh, we're so sorry, we'll just stop shooting whilst you finish climbing, and then escape.
AGENT JONES: Yes. Yes. Yes.
NEO: Thank you! You guys are really friendly. (runs away)
AGENT BROWN: I don't think he understands sarcasm.
AGENT SMITH: I'm sure he does, but that wasn't it.
TANK: Room 303.
NEO: Right.
TRINITY: Hey, room 303. That was my room, wasn't it?
MORPHEUS: Yup.
TRINITY: And since I'm Trinity, Neo's version of the room would be room 101, wouldn't it?
MORPHEUS: Is there a point to this conversation?
NEO: Room 101. where have I heard that before?
TRINITY: The book '1984'.
NEO: Hehe. if there was the thing I feared most in the world in there that was part of a system of control, it would be so symbolic…
AGENT SMITH: Boo!
NEO: Symbolism sucks.
GIRLS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GUN: I'm not just any gun, I'm the SUPER-SCRUPULOUS SUPER-DUPULOUS SLOW-MO KILL-ANOMALY GUN! Bang.
NEO: Whoa... Was ANYONE expecting that?
OBSESSIVE FAN: I was!
AUDIENCE: SHUT UP!
AGENT SMITH: Bang! Bang bang! Bang bang bang! Bang bang bang bang!
AUDIENCE: Whoa, overkill... Hey, that was actually an incredibly bad pun.
AGENT SMITH: Bang bang bang bang bang bang...

 

Chapter 23 - Morpheus' Unhappy Face and the Spoon is Out There

AGENT SMITH: . bang bang bang bang bang.
AGENT BROWN: Uh, sir?
AGENT SMITH: ... bang bang bang bang bang...
AGENT BROWN: SMITH!
AGENT SMITH: What?
AGENT BROWN: Haven't you done that enough?
AGENT SMITH: I WILL TELL YOU WHEN I'M FINISHED!! Bang bang bang. There, done. That didn't take long, did it?
AGENT BROWN: Well, at least we know he's dead and he can't come back to life.
GIRLS: *wailing* NEEEEOOOOO!!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: Oh come on! Get a grip!
MORPHEUS: Tank? Our little bet?
TANK: *mutters and hands it over*
RINGWRAITHS: Uh, hi, we heard the One was here?
AGENT SMITH: I just destroyed it.
RINGWRAITHS: Ooh, we're gonna get a pay cut for this.
MORPHEUS: We can't just lose another anomaly! That's three this month! Trinity, go do your whole prophecy-smoochums thing!
TRINITY: WHAT?
MORPHEUS: Come on, you refused to with Cypher, and poor Switch had to do it. And look what happened to HER!
TRINITY: Well, if it's that important, why don't YOU do it?
MORPHEUS: I - uh - I'm busy. (stares at a spot on the wall very seriously, nodding solemnly)
TRINITY: Fine. Neo, I'm not afraid any more. Well, I am slightly, on account of the laser beams just behind me. But basically, the Oracle told me that I would fall in love, and the one I loved would be the One. and as Morpheus refuses to let me unplug Johnny Depp-
MORPHEUS: Damn straight.
TRINITY: - I suppose you're the best I'm going to get. I mean, Orlando's a bit young, and Justin is SUCH a poser, and-
TANK: Trinity, GET TO THE POINT!
TRINITY: Right. Neo, you're hot, I love you. (kiss)
AUDIENCE: AAAAAWWWW!!!
OBSESSIVE FAN: NECROPHILIAC!!
NEO: Haha! You have the hots for me! Hey, wait, aren't I meant to be dead?
TRINITY: Uh... no.
NEO: Oh! Groovy! (gets up)
AGENT SMITH: Oh bugger it. (starts shooting)
NEO: Smith - TALK TO THE HAND!!
BULLETS: Oooh, such symbolism and style. We are not worthy.
NEO: So THAT'S what a bullet looks like. What do you know?
AGENT SMITH: You can NOT be cooler than me, YOU CAN NOT BE COOLER THAN ME!
NEO: Ahem, I beg to differ. See, one hand!
AGENT SMITH: You are just so irritating.
NEO: KICK
AGENT SMITH: YOU KNOCKED OFF MY SUNGLASSES!!!! Hey, I can see everything now!
GIRLS: It is NOT FAIR that he can kick his leg that high.
NEO: *jump*
AGENT SMITH: What? Where'd he go?
AGENT BROWN: Hey, that's just like that guy in 'The Mummy', isn't it?
NEO: More like 'Alien'.
AGENT SMITH: BOOM
AUDIENCE: Ew.
NEO: You want some? Come on, who's next?
AGENT BROWN + JONES: *back away*
NEO: Oh, fine, I'll only use my left hand. Come on, wussies!
AGENTS: *run away*
NEO: WIMPS!
TRINITY: Neo!
NEO: Aw, but I wanna taunt the wussies!
TRINITY: That's all very well and good, but not when SENTINELS ARE BLOWING UP THE SHIP!
NEO: Oh. Right.
SENTINEL: Boo!
MORPHEUS: Alright, that's it, big special effects time!
SENTINELS: Whoa, shockwave.
GIRLS: Neo made it, right? DID NEO MAKE IT???
OBSESSED FAN: Hmm, I wonder?
NEO: Howdy!
TANK: Now, Morpheus, about that bet?
MORPHEUS: You were lucky.
TRINITY: Hey, you're not dead!
NEO: I thought I wasn't supposed to be!
TRINITY: I lied.
NEO: WHAT? I'm supposed to be dead?
TRINITY: Um, yes.
NEO: Goddammit! *dies*
MORPHEUS: Tank?
TANK: Bugger!
TRINITY: Neo... uh... wake up!
NEO: Aww, but I don't wanna go to school today!
TRINITY: Ha! Made you rise from the dead!
NEO: Oh DAMN!
TANK: *stare at Morpheus*
MORPHEUS: Fine, fine, fine, take it... *stomps off*
TANK: Aw, he looks so much like a badger when he does his unhappy face!
TRINITY + NEO: *gaze*
NEO: Your cheekbones are really weird.
TRINITY: Oh great, Neo, way to spoil the moment!
LITTLE HAPPY FAIRY: I'd better be paid overtime... ZAP
NEO: I LOVE YOU TRINITY!
TRINITY: I LOVE YOU TOO NEO!

(Big kiss)

AUDIENCE: Awwww!
GUYS: Way-hey!
AUDIENCE: SHUT IT!
PERSON: Hey, I thought Neo wasn't the One? So the Oracle was lying?
AUDIENCE: *turn to Obsessive Fan expectantly*
OBSESSIVE FAN: Well, the Oracle had to say that. Remember, she's not a prophet, she's a guide. If she hadn't, then a) He never would have believed it himself and b) He wouldn't have gone to save Morpheus, wouldn't have been shot by Agent Smith, and wouldn't have come back to life, having realized the truth.
AUDIENCE: What truth?
SPOON BOY: There is no spoon!
NEO: And that it's out there.
AUDIENCE: So... the spoon is out there?
SPOON BOY: And it's non-existent.
AUDIENCE: We're so confused...

*****

NUMBERS: Hey, great, we're recurring characters!
TEXT: Warning, carrier anomaly! May come out with completely random phrases!
NEO: What's your favourite scary movie?
TRINITY: Stick to the words Morpheus gave you, Neo!
NEO: Fine... I know you're out there. I can feel you now. *whispers* Is that right?
TRINITY: Yes, that's fine, just keep sounding confident!
NEO: I know that you're afraid. I'm kinda scared too. I mean, your sentinels are really big and freaky, with all the claws and lasers and all - Trinity? Why are hitting your head against the wall?
TRINITY: Stick. To. The. Script.
NEO: Oh. I don't know the future - I mean, can you understand the Oracle? CAN YOU?
TRINITY: NEO!
NEO: I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to actually end the movie. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to look up and down the street really dramatically, with some super- cool soundtrack in the background, and then put on some sunglasses which everyone will immediately run out and buy. Where we go from there - whether we have a sequel or not - is a choice I leave to you.
VOICE: ... Tom, there's someone on the phone for you!
NEO: *steps out of phone booth* Now that went well. So where's the noodle shop?...

(Something white lands on his black coat)

NEO: (looking up) Oh, I'm so going to get that pigeon... *takes off*
AUDIENCE: THAT WAS SUCH A COOL FILM!!! We don't blame you now.
OBSESSIVE FAN: Knew you'd come round to my opinion. Hey, did you know, that when Neo goes to see the Oracle, the music in the background is a song called 'I'm beginning to see the light?' And that the music when they're at that party at the beginning is the same music at the beginning of 'The Watcher', another film with Keanu Reeves in? And that in another film of Laurence Fishburne's, his first line is 'Welcome to the Real World'...
AUDIENCE: OK, ahem... just back away...