DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters.

* * * * *

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

FORGED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON HIMSELF.

LICENCE TO RULE THEM ALL, FIND THEM, BRING THEM ALL AND BIND THEM ETC.

TOP SECRET (as you may guess by the title)

DO NOT READ (that means you, Witch King)

ENTRY 1

Was created today.

Cannot allow myself to get self-obsessed just because just because I have the power to control all the other Rings.

ENTRY 2

All free lands of Middle Earth falling under my power. Go me!

ENTRY 3

Last Alliance battle. Loads of elves and men and orcs fighting on the slopes of Mount Doom. They're winning. Boo.

Uh-oh. Sauron putting his armour on. This can't be good.

ENTRY 4

It wasn't. Stupid Isildur.

ENTRY 5

Am now stuck at the bottom of a river. Stupid river.

ENTRY 6

History's becoming legend.

ENTRY 7

Legend's becoming myth.

ENTRY 8

Have been stuck here for two and a half thousand years now. Not a very interesting view, pondweed. Would kill for my Gameboy.

ENTRY 9

Have ensnared a new bearer. At last.

ENTRY 10

Great. Am now stuck inside a mountain cave. What is with my bearers? Are they all social lepers?

ENTRY 11

Gollum spends all day talking to me.

Am almost wishing that I was back in the river.

ENTRY 12

Darkness is creeping back into the forests of the world, and there are rumors of a shadow in the East. But then again, you shouldn't believe everything a fish tells you.

ENTRY 13

Story was confirmed by a rat. Think my time has now come.

Must apologize to Guppy for calling him a liar before I leave.

ENTRY 14

Great. There are loads of goblins in this mountain, and only one hobbit.

Who do I get picked up by?

The hobbit.

As far as rings of power go, I must have the worst luck in the world.

ENTRY 15

Have gone back to little hobbit's home country. Not too bad. Better than a cave with no central heating or DSL, anyway.

ENTRY 16

Great. Am settling down to wait for Ringwraiths to come and find me, and hobbit ditches me.

Doesn't even put me down gently. Goes and drops me on the floor. Ow.

Do people think Rings have no feelings?

Was nearly picked up by dude with serious facial hair problem. Am still debating as to whether those were caterpillars on his forehead. Am sure I saw them move once or twice.

Sauron went and made him jump. Hehehe.

ENTRY 17

Have just spent last few months in an envelope. Sauron promised me world domination.

Must discuss compensation when I get back to Mordor.

ENTRY 18

Am sitting on kitchen table. Big Schnozz talking to hobbit's nephew. Am sure they're talking about me.

Great. First they go and chuck me in a fire, then they talk behind my back.

I feel so unloved.

ENTRY 19

Am off on the road again. Have nice cosy conveniently Ring sized pocket to sit in. Big Eyes has brought one of his friends along with him.

ENTRY 20

Why haven't the Ringwraiths saved me already? It's so difficult to find reliable help nowadays.

ENTRY 21

Was nearly put on today. Big Eyes, Mop Head, Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms met in a field. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms are two other friends of Big Eyes - he certainly is more popular than my former bearers. I mean, Sauron was feared and respected, but he didn't really have any close friends, except the Witch King. And then he went and enslaved him.

Mental note - lend Sauron book on people skills.

Anyway, hobbits met, ran away from big dogs, fell down cliff, then went and leapt behind a tree. Was nearly found by Billy-Bob, but Mop Head went and stopped Big Eyes from putting me on. Stupid Mop Head.

ENTRY 22

Nearly caught on way to Buckleberry Ferry. Just missed. Could hear Jo-Jo and Cephalonius swearing at Billy-Bob on their way to the bridge.

Don't know what they're complaining about. They wouldn't have fitted on the ferry anyway.

They'll catch Big Eyes next time. How lucky can a hobbit be?

ENTRY 23

Was put on in Bree today. Stupid Big Eyes went and tripped over. I made myself land on his finger. Pretty nifty, if I may say so myself.

Nice to see Sauron again. Looking a little more disembodied than when I saw him last.

ENTRY 24

Am now off to Rivendell.

Elves. Ick.

Big Eyes believes all the nasty things Greasy Hair tells him. Hmph. He doesn't listen to me when I say "Put me on, nice Baggins, I won't corrupt you, I promise," oh no, he just mutters "I wish the Ring had never come to me" and shoves me back in his pocket.

Great. He believes some greasy Ranger more than a Ring of Power.

Society nowadays.

ENTRY 25

Greasy Hair looks very familiar. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like.... oh shit.

ENTRY 26

Again, nearly rescued, but not.

Who do those Ringwraiths think they are? Four hobbits, all alone, getting sniffles, against five wraiths, and do they get the Ring? Noooooo, they get defeated by Greasy Hair and his massive match.

On the plus side, Big Eyes went and put me on again. Stupid little git.

Also got to see Witch King again. Thought he was looking a little meatier round the edges than before, and said so. He agreed to research the Atkins Diet.

Hurrying off to Rivendell even faster now.

Great. All the faster to see elves again. Ick.

Big Eyes has been stabbed. His own stupid fault. Shouldn't have got in the way of the Morgul blade. Had to be all HEROIC.

ENTRY 27

Would have thought WALKING was fast enough, but noooo, now we're RIDING.

Stupid elf, with her white glowiness and effortless elvish dialogue. Could never quite master the vowels. If I could, would be much easier to tempt Elrond.

May have to see if I can get lessons in Rivendell.

Big Eyes turning into a wraith. Don't know why Sauron is so keen for this; he'll have to order robes, a sword, morgul blades, a horse etc in extra extra small. Imagine the extra expense.

And how will he keep up with the other nine on a pony? That's just cruel. He'll be picked on.

Mwa ha ha ha.

ENTRY 28

You would have thought nine wraiths on horses would be able to overtake one nancy elf, but noooo.

I seem to be saying that a lot now.

It's all the Ringwraiths fault. They seem to have lost some of the pure unescapable horror they induced before. Now they're just vaguely creepy.

Anyway, Championship whites manages to get Big Eyes across the ford and gives the Ringwraiths a nice cold albeit unwanted bath, and I am now in Rivendell. Stupid elf.

Elves. Ick.

CHAPTER 2

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHALL BE TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE MOST TERRIFYING CREATURES IMAGINABLE.

YES, I WILL SET HOBBIT KIDS ON YOU.

I'M AN EVIL RING OF POWER, AREN'T I?

ENTRY 29

Great. NOW I feel wanted. Today there was a whole council discussing what the best way of killing

me was.

It's discrimination. People just have it in for rings that contain their master's cruelty, malice and will to dominate all life.

Got to freak everyone out by making flames billow along me though. Seriously freaked out Big Eyes. Was hoping to scare him off, but he decided to take me to Mordor instead.

Maybe it's reverse psychology.

ENTRY 30

Have been holding to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days.

Am getting ever so slightly bored.

At least I'm on a nice silver chain now instead of in Big Eyes' conveniently ring-sized coat pocket.

Crebain from Dunland flew over. They look flashy, but the worst they can do is poo on your black cape when you're months away from the nearest drycleaners. As the Ringwraiths learnt.

Could have served to my advantage, but we now have an elf in the group. Stupid elves. Never liked them. Too difficult to turn to evil, especially since if you don't speak elvish, they consider you inferior. Would prefer to live with an elf than say, a dwarf. At least elves have discovered personal hygiene. Dread to think what lives in that dwarf's beard.

ENTRY 31

Halfway up random mountain, Big Eyes slips and goes a'tumbling down the slope. I fall off. The chain is

in fact very tacky.

Get picked up random man in the Fellowship. Hmmm. Could be easier to convert than Greasy Hair, who is all about honor etc. Humongous Shield says that it's strange that they suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.

It's nice to be appreciated for once.

ENTRY 32

Are now going to the Mines of Moria.

Wish Fellowship would make its mind up.

ENTRY 33

Mines of Moria v bleak, v gloomy and v tomblike, according to Humongous Shield. Apparently, there was a great massacre of dwarves there. For once, this was not my fault.

Feels v strange not being blamed for once. Nance Elf blamed goblins. Then Big Eyes was grabbed by massive monster thingy. Heard about him in Mordor. Doesn't get on very well with Sauron - apparently he ate his favorite goblin. Now he tried to eat me.

Not that it would have mattered. Ringwraiths would find me anyway, and world would be free from Big Eyes. But would not particularly enjoy method of leaving monster's possession. Ick.

ENTRY 34

Saw Gollum again. Apparently he hasn't got over me. Ought to get a restraining order.

ENTRY 35

Big Eyes nearly dies again.

Again, he is saved by something elvish.

Stupid elves.

How many lives has Big Eyes got? He's like a cockroach.

Goblins have become grossly incompetent when it comes to killing. I mean, fifty or so of them - plus a cave troll - versus nine fellowship members, four of whom can scarcely hold their swords the right way round. Must mention it when I get to Mordor.

Maybe suggest crossing orcs with cockroaches. Then they won't die so easily. Plus, antennae freak most people out.

Or maybe it's just me.

And Jo-Jo.

ENTRY 36

Oh dear, Big Schnozz fell into shadow.

Slow motion makes me feel nauseous. I mean, come on, he only FELL. He wasn't that great anyway.

He was basically a walking nose with eyebrows.

So where are we going now? Oh great, we're following Greasy Hair. Wish I'd brought more insurance.

ENTRY 37

Lothlorien.

More elves.

Ick.

What is with this world and elves?

ENTRY 38

Some blonde ugly elf said that they brought great evil there.

Must mean Frodo's BO. I mean, they wouldn't say that to my FACE.

Behind my back, granted. But not to my face. That's just out of order.

ENTRY 39

Great. Now we're STAYING with the elves.

Even if I do get back to Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again. I mean, I STILL haven't been able to corrupt anyone. Not even Big Eyes, and he is exceedingly dim.

ENTRY 40

Big Eyes went and offered me to Flirty Wench.

Am going to need serious counseling when I get back to Mordor.

Flirty Wench went all freaky. Big Eyes' eyes got yet bigger, but I was thinking, 'Huh, yeah, am I supposed to be SCARED now?'

She was ranting about what she'd do, but then I reminded her 'Don't count your chickens before they've hatched'. This sobered her up a bit, but she didn't want me any more.

She only wanted me for my limitless power and strength.

Women.

Saw Nenya again. She had a bit of a thing for me once. We met at a Ring of Power orientation meeting.

ENTRY 41

Off down the Anduin. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms seriously bugging me. Actually, everyone is.

Argonath. Two big statues. Big deal. You'd think they were symbolic or something by the rise in musical score.

Big Eyes looked impressed. But then again, everything looks big to a midget.

ENTRY 42

Nearly stolen by Humongous Shield. Nice to be fought over for a change instead of just being conspired against.

But Big Eyes goes and puts me on and then runs off, spineless little midget he is.

Of course, if was actually an invertebrate, he wouldn't be able to run much.

Hahahahahaha. Shut up brain, shut up.

Still, continuing to Mordor. What fun. We didn't even leave Mop Head behind.

Stupid Mop Head.

* * * * *

CHAPTER 3

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO READ BEYOND HERE

ENTRY 43

Sauron is now freaking out Frodo with extraordinary regularity.

As much as I enjoy any fear Big Eyes feels because of yours truly, he has made a habit of grabbing hold of me when he does so, and his hands are more than slightly grimy.

Caked in mud and god-knows-what-else to the point of skin suffocation is a closer description.

ENTRY 44

Gollum needs to get a life. I mean, I moved out and have been living with another hobbit for sixty-one years. Can't he take a hint?

ENTRY 45

Apparently not. Big Eyes has now adopted Gollum as a pet. Why can't he get a tamagotchi? Much easier to look after, anyway.

ENTRY 46

Went for a dip in a nice refreshing albeit haunted by the ghosts of men and elves pool today. Big Eyes seemed to enjoy it considerably less than me. At least his hands are marginally cleaner now.

Am thinking Big Eyes may be Gollum's new favourite.

Not quite certain how I feel about this yet.

ENTRY 47

Big Eyes is a major wuss. One little wail and he freaks out completely. The whole widened eyes and grabbing shoulder bonanza. What is wrong with him?

ENTRY 48

Saw the Black Gate. Sauron seems to have had the decorators round, looked slightly more drastic than when I saw it last. He seems to have gone for the 'Evil nouveau' look.

Looked better on Orthanc, I must say. Catch me saying that in front of Sauron though. I don't personally want to have my Christmas bonuses cut off for several millennia, thank you very much.

Big Eyes has only two discernible talents, except for an uncanny impression of a deer caught in the headlights. The only thing he's better at than getting into trouble is getting out of it again.

Which is a really bad habit in a Ringbearer.

Or a good one, from Big Schnozz's point of view.

ENTRY 49

Big Eyes and Mop Head had their first tiff today. Oooh, do I sense trouble in paradise?

ENTRY 50

Heard Gollum frolicking last night. He seemed cheerful. Hardly seems possible. Maybe he's over me at last. Scarcely allowing myself to hope.

Am getting horrible feeling that they may succeed on their quest.

ENTRY 51

Can always rely on men to wreck things for Middle Earth. Good ol' Faz.

ENTRY 52

Big Eyes losing hope and getting all depressing.

Mop Head attempting to be smart.

Men wrecking everything.

Aaaaah. Back to normal.

ENTRY 53

Great. Gollum's back. Again.

This time he was singing. Euuurgh. I'd forgotten how terrible it was.

ENTRY 54

Well, Faz certainly seems very friendly. Oh yes, he's going to send Big Eyes on his way tomorrow, with

an escort of armed men.

It's difficult for a Ring of Power to be sarcastic.

He's not being friendly. He's being downright evil.

Brilliant race, mankind. Don't see why Greasy Hair couldn't be more like Faz.

He even managed to cause Big Eyes to have a near-breakdown. But then again, that's not too difficult.

Must recommend to Sauron that Faz would be a good Ringwraith.

Better than Billy-Bob, anyway.

ENTRY 55

Off to Osgiliath. See that the orcs have been there. Pfft. They have no sense of style. With them it's just destroy, pillage, burn, etc etc. With no sense of dramatics. What's happened to evil nowadays?

Big Eyes said that I have only the power to destroy.

I'm touched that he noticed.

ENTRY 56

Hmm. Focusing all my corrupting powers on Big Eyes. Have read 'Hobbit Corrupting for Dummies'. Apparently I've been overestimating his IQ.

Ohm. Evil thoughts. Ohm.

LATER

Brill book. Off we go. Big Eyes is corrupted, albeit weird looking.

LATER

I hate Mop Head.

Mop Head MUST DIE.

Big Eyes didn't even break a bone whilst plummeting down the stairs. Damn Mop Head's squidgyness.

Not even all that fond of Faz any more, since he shot Jo-Jo's 'fell beast'.

Sauron hasn't even been bothered to name them. They're just 'the fell beasts'.

Ah well, Big Eyes still corrupted.

LATER

Ooh, he's got a sword to Mop Head's throat now. I am GOOD.

LATER

I hate Mop Head. Again. Damn his uplifting and moving speech.

And so Faz has let us go, we're still on the way to Mordor. Oh fabby.

Society nowadays. Can't even give in to evil.

I must be losing my touch. Couldn't even corrupt a bunch of Ithilien rangers.

If this gets out in Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again.

ENTRY 57

Heard Gollum talking about 'her'. Is this some ex-girlfriend of his?

If her singing is as bad as Gollum's, Big Eyes should be running for the hills.

*****

CHAPTER 4

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

STILL GOING TO MORDOR

STILL STUCK WITH HOBBITS

BUT STILL EVIL AND IRRESTIBLE, DANGIT

ENTRY 58

OK, now Big Eyes is starting to worry me. Staying up all night and staring at me in adoration.

I mean, it's nice to have the attention and everything, but...

ENTRY 59

So we're STILL going to Mordor? It's getting so old.

ENTRY 60

Am yet to tempt Mop Head into trying to take me. Dammit. Must try harder.

ENTRY 61

I can't believe this! I corrupt elves, kings, sons of Stewards and Big Eyes with little trouble, but I can't corrupt Mop Head??

Why? Why? Why?

ENTRY 62

Gollum really sucks at keeping plots secret. I mean, staring at himself and repeating his 'brilliant' plan over and over again, just so that Mop Head can hear it... how thick can you get?

And Big Eyes and Mop Head had another fight. I think this relationship's heading for the rocks.... How sad.

Not. NyyeeeeoooowwwwKERSPLATT! Hehehehe.

ENTRY 63

Minas Morgul! It seems ages since I last saw it.

Actually, just one Age. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Good to see that Sauron got the green backlight fixed ­ adds an ethereal creepy vibe. Presence is everything when it comes to evil, you know. Would the Ringwraiths have been so scary if they were riding on pretty white ponies with pink bows? Actually, they might have been even more terrifying...

But still, it was perfect for freaking out Big Eyes. I hope the Witch King doesn't mind us just turning up like this...

ENTRY 64

Damn! Damn Mop Head! Why did we have to bring him? I mean, all he does is stop Big Eyes from failing his quest! Useless! Useless! From an evil point of view, of course.

Why couldn't he have brought Humongous Shield instead? Or even Nance Elf, I could have corrupted him by offering endless supplies of miruvor and elven shampoo...

ENTRY 65

Oh, I see the Witch King has got himself a massive army. Well, go him.

So he can summon armies of about 200,000 orcs and trolls, but he can't get his act together and rescue me from these idiot hobbit-midgets?

ENTRY 66

I can't believe this. The Witch King just flew right past me. And didn't even notice.

Maybe he's deliberately not finding me. Oh no, he's not holding the fact that I controlled his own Ring of power and turned him into a slave of Sauron against me, is he? I thought we were past that.

ENTRY 67

Hahahahahaha. Big Eyes has to climb the stairs. I just get a nice lift up on the chain round his neck.

It's great fun making myself suddenly heavier, just when he's lifting his foot onto the next step.

Keep it up, and I'll probably send him plummeting downwards to his death.

Actually, time it right, and I could probably get rid of Mop Head at the same time. Kill two hobbits with one stone.

One stone of extra weight, that is. Ha! Ha! Ha! I kill me.

ENTRY 68

Can't Big Eyes get a longer chain for me? Or at least button up his shirt all the way? I keep falling out and tempting Gollum. I mean, I know that that would probably lead to my retrieval by the Ringwraiths, but please, I like a challenge. Can't Big Eyes make it slightly harder for me?

Speaking of challenges, Mop Head continues to resist. Gaargh.

What does he want? I've offered power, I've offered riches... Wait a minute.

ENTRY 69

Am finally making headway. "Mooop Heeeaaad... I'll give you some big fat golden chips with a nice piece of fried fiiish..." He looked interested.

Har har. I can keep my reputation of being irresistible.

ENTRY 70

Big Eyes and Mop Head have broken up. I knew it would happen eventually. Especially with my wonderful powers of corruption working on Mop Head AND Gollum.

And anyway, it would take a real superhero to be able to put up with Big Eyes for this long. Mop Head just ain't got it in him.

But please! Leaving Mop Head in tears? How teen movie behaviour is THAT?

ENTRY 71

So Gollum is leading Big Eyes to his inevitable, messy death.

About damn time.

ENTRY 72

Poor, poor naïve Big Eyes. Hmmm. You've been led into an obvious trap ­ a dark cave, with sticky walls, and bodies littered everywhere ­ and it still takes a considerable amount of time for him to realize that he's been tricked.

ENTRY 73

Here comes the big spider! Run, Big Eyes, run!

ENTRY 74

Argh. I didn't MEAN it. Big Eyes needs to take a few lessons in sarcasm.

ENTRY 75

After cat fight of the century, Big Eyes managed to push Gollum off a cliff.

I'm not getting my hopes up. Being pushed off a cliff seems to be a very unreliable cause of death in Middle-earth.

ENTRY 76

Actually, I hope the same philosophy applies lest Big Eyes does actually reach Mount Doom.

But what are the chances of that happening? About as much chance as there is of... of... Nance Elf defeating an oliphaunt all by himself. Ha! Ha! Ha!

ENTRY 77

OH HELL, that actually is a very big spider.

Arachnophobia is a common problem in Rings of Power... I know that at least half of the dwarven rings had it, and Vilya certainly did.

ENTRY 78

Big Eyes is dead! Huzzah! Now just wait for the spider to eat Big Eyes, and leave me behind, and wait to be found by orcs...

Wait a minute. Is that ­

ENTRY 79

STUPID, STUPID MOP HEAD!

ENTRY 80

Oh great. So not only did Mop Head defeat Big-Ass spider, but he also decided to claim it for his own.

And just when orcs turned up as well!!

I really must stop being picked up by unlikely hobbits in mountain paths when orcs are nearby!

ENTRY 81

I can't believe this. I just can't believe this.

So Big-Ass spider has been defeated. Gollum's taken a little tumble off the cliff. Mop Head is now armed with an elvish weapon. He is also now the Ringbearer. On the outskirts of Mordor. That's all cataclysmic enough.

BUT BIG EYES IS ALIVE????

ENTRY 82

I need a holiday... I wonder whether Isengard has vacationing facilities?

CHAPTER 5

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

IF FOUND, RETURN TO SAURON

UNOPENED

AND KICK HIM FOR ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT

ENTRY 83

Oh, lookit, we're off to save the Big Eyes, the wonderful Big Eyes of the Shire.

So there's still hope for me! Whoopee!

ENTRY 84

Argh. I really do wish that orcs would stop killing each other. It just makes Mop Head's job all that much easier.

Maybe I should suggest that orcs should go on team-building expeditions to raise unity and form bonds between them. It might stop entire-tower-guard- massacres happening so frequently.

ENTRY 85

Hahahahahahahahahaha.... Mop Head trying to look scary.... That put a smile on my face for the first time in ages.

ENTRY 86

A tearful reunion between Mop Head and Big Eyes.

The tears were from me. As useless as these hobbits are, when they're together, they're so cheesy and heart-warming that they actually pose a threat.

Mop Head gave me back! Reluctantly, but still of his own free will! I said "Nooo, the chips, remember the nice piece of fried fish!" and he hesitated, but still gave me back to Big Eyes!

Who, may I say, really needs a bath. Ew.

But it was nice to be fought over again. It's been a while.

ENTRY 87

Hahahaha! Big Eyes wearing orc armour!

Hahahahahahahahaha!

ENTRY 88

So we're STILL going to Mount Doom.

Remarkable. I'd have given up by now.

ENTRY 89

Getting slightly worried. What if I am destroyed? There's so much I still want to do! I've never ridden on an oliphaunt, I've never seen Rohan, I've never drunk so much miruvor I start speaking in elvish... I've hardly lived.

ENTRY 90

Oh good! Lots of orcs on the plains of Gorgoroth to catch Big Eyes. Sure to be captured.

ENTRY 91

OK, I'm going to stop tempting fate.

What sort of leader leaves the only place where I can be destroyed unguarded?

And what can be going on at the Black Gate that's so important? It's not like Greasy Hair's going to lead an army against him, is it?

ENTRY 92

"I don't think there's going to be a return journey, Mr Frodo."

Can he stop being cheesy and heart-warming for just FIVE MINUTES? Come on, man! Get a grip!

ENTRY 93

Finally, Sauron's spotted Big Eyes! He'll be sending the Nazgul to come and get me any minute!

ENTRY 94

Any minute.

ENTRY 95

Any second now.

ENTRY 96

Maybe there's a lot of aerial traffic, or something.

ENTRY 97

WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?

ENTRY 98

Blast it! Sauron's moved on again! Am I suddenly not IMPORTANT?

ENTRY 99

OK. Now we're actually ON Mount Doom. We're actually climbing up it. My fiery demise is only a few hundred metres away.

Sauron had better get a wiggle on.

I'm doing my bit to help. But it's going to take ages to lose all this weight again.

ENTRY 100

Oh, he doesn't need to hurry as much. The hobbits are stopping every five minutes for another cheesy-yet-oh-so-heart-warming talk, and a morale boosting hug.

But being rescued before we actually reach the top would be nice.

ENTRY 101

So what if Big Eyes can't taste strawberries any more? Who really cares? I haven't EVER tasted strawberries! Does anyone feel sorry for ME? NO!

Oh hell, Sauron had better hurry up. Mop Head's actually carrying Big Eyes now.

ENTRY 102

CRUD! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!

Oh wait, there's Gollum. Aaah. I was worried there for a moment.

ENTRY 103

Did Big Eyes have Lucozade in his pocket? Where has this sudden burst of energy come from??

Oh hell, we're actually going into Mount Doom. This is my last chance to corrupt him. Better get thinking.

ENTRY 104

Ummm...

ENTRY 105

"Biiiig Eyeees... I'll give you your own Palantir show... We can call it 'Frodo' and run it right after 'Will and Grace'..."

That did it. So hobbits don't want power and wealth, they want celebrity status.

I like 'Will and Grace' actually. It's this Elvish Palantir Network program, teaching young elflings about the necessary qualities in life.

ENTRY 106

Hahahahaha! Mop Head's face when Big Eyes claimed me for his own! Oh, it was classic! Made this whole trip worthwhile!

So Big Eyes has gone completely doolally, Mop Head's freaked out because of said hobbit going doolally, and Sauron's finally got his act together and realized that I'm here.

So I can sit back and relax now. Nothing more can go wrong.

Uh-oh. I didn't just write that, did I? DID I JUST TEMPT FATE AGAIN?

ENTRY 107

I do NOT appreciate being bitten off. I mean, ew! I have a thing about blood!

Though it is nice to have someone dancing around just because of me.

Hurry up, Sauron, Big Eyes is looking weird. Like he's planning on pushing Gollum off the edge or something.

ENTRY 108

Oh crud. Thanks a bunch, Sauron. For a Maia Dark Lord your minions sure do move slow.

For once, falling off a cliff has resulted in death. At least Gollum's been burnt away by the lava, and I get a chance to write a final note before I ultimately dissolve as well.

Remember kids - if you are planning on basing all of your power on a Ring, a Ring that can only be destroyed in lava, a Ring that is all that stands between the heroes and the your destruction ­ look after it. Don't wear it out into battle where there's a chance it could get cut off. Leave it at home in a safety deposit box. Better yet, put it in your sock drawer. No- one will look for it there.

And if you find a Ring of Power at the bottom of a stream, don't just put it in your pocket and forget about it. Talk to it. Ask it how it's feeling. Chances are, it has had as harrowing a tale as I, and will be craving comfort and human contact. Maybe take it to the zoo one weekend. And if you could give into its evil, well, that would make its day.

Oh dear. About to dissolve. Farewell, cruel world. Thanks for nothing, Sauron. You couldn't at least have made it so that I can only be destroyed by being thrown into chocolate. Thanks a lot.

-

THE END.