The Madness Reloaded

Chapter 1 – The One with the Deja Vu

MATRIX CODE: Heeey! We’re back!

AUDIENCE: As are we.

OBSESSIVE FAN: And me!

MATRIX CODE: Swooooshy swirly confuse the audiencey.

CLOCK: Hey! All that code was just ME!

GUARD: I’m a relation of the guard in the government building in the first movie. Surprisingly flippant.

GUARD #2: Who cares? Who would want to break into a power plant?

TRINITY: I might! 

GUARDS: Oh no, we’ve heard about girls in tight leather...

TRINITY: Look at the lovely somersault! Whoops, I dropped the motorbike.

MOTORBIKE: Hey, I’m surprisingly combustible. FWOOSH

TRINITY: Remember kids! Even if you’re trying to save the world, ALWAYS 

wear a helmet when you’re on a bike!

GUARD: Holy sh-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: WAIT! WAIT! We’re not swearing in this movie!

GUARD: We’re not?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: No! Here’s a list of replaceable words. 

GUARD: Holy – potatoes?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: Exactly. 

TRINITY: Why is it a guinea pig?

GUARDS: (shrug)

TRINITY: Anyway, where were we? Oh yes! Fighting!

GUARDS: Damn, we’d hoped you’d forgotten.

TRINITY: Kickpunchkickchop. Hey, helmets are useful weapons!

GUARDS: *try feebly to defend themselves*

TRINITY: (looking round at them all knocked out) Maybe next time you could all attack me at once, rather than just one at a time and all the others dancing around in a vaguely threatening manner while they wait?

GUARD: That could work...

TRINITY: Whatever. I’m in.

OBSESSIVE FAN: Hmm, the film beginning with Trinity beating up with security guys... deja vu?

AUDIENCE: DEJA VU???

MATRIX CODE: We are an excellent device for cool scene changes.

TRINITY: Lately my fortunes have worsened slightly... Check the dramatic facial expression!

AUDIENCE: Trinity? Showing... emotion? Next Neo will be smiling... no, that can never happen.

ANNOUNCER: Where will you be when your laxative starts working?

AGENT NEWGUY: When I signed up for this job, they said NOTHING about 

having to leap out of skyscraper windows after crazy girls.

AGENT SMITH: You just can’t get the staff nowadays!

TRINITY: Hey, I just leapt out of a window. Why, exactly?

AGENT NEWGUY: Uh – have you read the script?

TRINITY: No.

(Remember, they’re still plummeting)

TRINITY: (reading script) I DIE????

AGENT NEWGUY: Bummer, huh?

TRINITY: I haven’t even run on the WALLS yet!

AGENT NEWGUY: Cope with it.

TRINITY’S GUN: Boomboomboomboomboom.

AGENT’S GUN: ….. Bang.

TRINITY: OK, all these bullet trails, used bullets, reflections and angsty facial expressions are seriously confusing me... 

BULLET: Time for some serious dramatics. Sploop.

AGENT NEWGUY: Sploop? What is sploop?

TRINITY: Shocking, judging by my facial expression.

NEO: (wakes up) Trinity!

TRINITY: (waking up suddenly) BAH! BAH! What?

NEO: Nothing Sam... just a dream...

TRINITY: I’m Trinity.

NEO: OH! Whoops, now that’s embarrassing.

TRINITY: *glare*

NEO: I’m going to go now.

AUDIENCE: OH! Right! Just a dream! Oh! OK! Phew! Ahem.

GIRLS: Yay! His hair’s back! Hee hee hee. 

NEBUCHADNEZZAR: Yes, I’m back! The coolest ship since the Millennium 

Falcon!

OBSESSIVE FAN: Ahem, cooler.

MORPHEUS: *concentrating face* Almost there.

LINK: Sir?

MORPHEUS: LINK, YOU DISTRACTED ME!

LINK: What?

MORPHEUS: I’d almost beaten Tank’s Pacman record!

LINK: Oh. Sorry.

AUDIENCE: Speaking of Tank, who the hell is that?

LINK: Are you sure about this, Sir?

MORPHEUS: I said we’re going to be all right.

LINK: I know that sir, but in the last movie you told Trinity that Neo was going to make it-

MORPHEUS: And he did.

LINK: Yes, but he got shot first.

MORPHEUS: Your point?

LINK: Well, I’m not such an essential character, so I don’t personally want to be shot-

MORPHEUS: *stare*

LINK: I mean, there’s a lot of sentinel activity around here sir.

MORPHEUS: Do I look like I care?

LINK: *squinting at Morpheus’ face* Uh... no, not really.

MORPHEUS: Well, at least your eyes work.

NEBUCHADNEZZAR: Is it just me, or do I look like a cuttlefish?

MORPHEUS: Link.

AUDIENCE: Who the hell is Link?

MORPHEUS: Given your situation, I can’t say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate my ship.

LINK: Well, you fired Tank because he kept on confusing Neo and sending him into rooms full of crocodiles.

MORPHEUS: Yes, but if you are to continue to do so, I must ask you to do one thing. Actually, two. No, three. Make that five, that’s a nice round number.

LINK: And what are they, sir?

MORPHEUS: 1, get a different jumper. 2, develop a good angsty plotline. 3, hit Neo next time you see him.

LINK: Why?

MORPHEUS: He’s started giving me sass. The other day, I found him trying to create a bald spot.

LINK: *gasp* But YOU’RE the only bald one on board this ship!

MORPHEUS: I know, and I want to keep it that way. 4, get me a sandwich each evening. And 5, now this is the most important one – trust me.

LINK: Yes sir. I will, sir.

MORPHEUS: *glare*

LINK: I mean, I do, sir.

AUDIENCE: Well, he’s funnier than Tank, but where the hell has Tank gone?

MORPHEUS: Now get ready to broadcast and get going on my first sandwich. Salami and parma ham, I think.

TRINITY: Still can’t sleep? 

NEO: Nope.

TRINITY: Wanna talk?

NEO: They’re just dreams.

TRINITY: ... What did I ask?

NEO: Never mind.

TRINITY: If you’re afraid of something...

NEO: No. I’m not scared of anything! I’m A BIG BOY!!!

TRINITY: Neo, you’re kind of contradicting yourself.

NEO: I just wish... I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do.

TRINITY: Lost your script again, huh?

NEO: Yup.

TRINITY: Don’t worry. You can just wing it.

NEO: Wing it?

TRINITY: Well, yes, that’s what the rest of us do.

NEO: What’s ‘wing it’? I never fully understood that.

TRINITY: And she’s gonna call. Don’t worry.

AUDIENCE: Who’s she? This isn’t another ‘she’ thing like Shelob, is it?

NEO: Close enough.

TRINITY: Neo, why are you dissing the Oracle to those crazy people?

NEO: Because... they like me.

TRINITY: Oh yes, sure they do. Keep telling yourself that.

NEO: Stop lowering my self-esteem! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOWERING MY SELF-ESTEEM? IT’S ALREADY DANGEROUSLY LOW!

TRINITY: How low?

NEO: It’s reaching Frodo levels.

TRINITY: Dear God.

LINK: There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!

NEO: Where, exactly?

LINK: You know, your rooms, the hall...

TRINITY: Are we ready to go?

NEO: Trin, you’re talking in the third person again.

LINK: Either that or using the royal ‘we’.

NEO: Hee hee hee...

LINK: What now, Link?

NEO: Royal we... it sounds like-

LINK: That’s mature, Neo. Real mature.

TRINITY: Anyway, before we were distracted by a grammar lesson and adolescent anomalies, what were you saying?

LINK: Well, YOU were saying if we were ready to go.

TRINITY: Well, are we?

LINK: We’re already late.

NEO: We are?

LINK: Well, yes, because someone thought that it was amusing for me to say royal ‘we’.

NEO: Haha... See? I’m not the only one!

TRINITY: God save us... how am I going to last a whole other film?

LINK: It’s a trilogy, Trin.

TRINITY: NOOOOO!!!

NEO: But an anomaly is never late, Link! Nor is he early! He always arrives precisely when he means to!

LINK: And precisely means late?

NEO: It can...

Chapter 2 – The One with the Sentinels

NIOBE: ... And then Agent Smith says, “Really? Because I just saw the Architect on a micro scooter!”

GHOST: Uh, what does this have to do with the Osiris?

NIOBE: Nothing, it’s just a really cool joke. Here’s another one; an agent, a program and Commander Lock all go into a bar-

SOREN: Does this meeting have a point?

NIOBE: Oh yeah, I got some geotherms.

KALI: Those are geotherms?

NIOBE: What else could they be?

OFFSCREEN: I don’t know, but I think it’s about to attack the Enterprise.

NIOBE: Neo’s here...

ICE: What is it the geotherms say?

NIOBE: Oh, they just confirm the last transmissions of the Osiris. 

(Silence)

SOREN: Which were?

NIOBE: The machines are digging.

TIRANT: Mutha-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: STOP! No swearing!

TIRANT: But-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: Read the list!

TIRANT: (scans list) Soap-on-a-rope?

KALI: A GUINEA PIG?

NIOBE: They’re boring from the surface straight down to Zion.

AJAX: True, they are getting dull.

SOREN: They’ll avoid our entire perimeter defence! They’re not allowed to do that! They’ve got to let us fight them and beat them!

NIOBE: Apparently they’re getting bored of that.

SOREN: But where’s the fun in losing?

NIOBE: Ask them.

ICE: How fast are they moving?

NIOBE: Control estimates their descent at a hundred metres an hour.

RANDOM GUY WHO DESERVES A NAME BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE AS A NAME EXCEPT HIM SO WE’LL CALL HIM... MIKE: Shi-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: CHECK THE LIST!

MIKE: ... Sheep.

ICE: That’s not too fast!

NIOBE: Well, the earth’s crust is only about seventy miles thick.

SOREN: Really? Hooray, this film is educational!

MIKE: How deep are they?

NIOBE: Almost two thousand metres.

SOREN: So they’ve been digging for... twenty hours.

ICE: Stop showing off your mental arithmetic skills.

TIRANT: What about the scans from the Osiris?

AJAX: They can’t be accurate.

NIOBE: They may be.

ICE: What?

AJAX: It’s not possible.

SOREN: WAIT! There’s something very wrong here!

EVERYONE: What?

SOREN: The author just went five lines without a joke!!!

EVERYONE: Oh dear... This really is dramatic, isn’t it?

MORPHEUS: BOO!!!

ICE: Not any more.

NEO: (dragging him back) No, no, Morpheus, that’s not a cool entrance!

MORPHEUS: What if I say something different? Like, um, “Why don’t you listen to me when I say the winged monkeys are unstoppable?”

NEO: Uh, no... (drags back into tunnel) Sorry about that, we’ll be back in a second.

NIOBE: Take your time.

ICE: Where were we?

NIOBE: Uhh... the scans are accurate! Believe my unbelievable assertiveness and confidence!

SOREN: How can you believe something that’s unbelievable?

AJAX: Oh no, don’t get started on one of those things again.

KALI: But that’d mean there are a quarter of a million sentinels out there.

NIOBE: That’s right.

AJAX: It can’t be.

(Silence)

GHOST: MORPHEUS!

MORPHEUS: Oh, now I come on? 

GHOST: Yes.

MORPHEUS: OK - Why don’t you listen to me when I say the winged monkeys are unstoppable?

TRINITY: Wrong line, Morpheus.

MORPHEUS: Oh – Forsooth! Verily, here cometh Iason –

TRINITY: No.

MORPHEUS: Uhh... Welcome to the Real World?

TRINITY: Take the damn script.

MORPHEUS: Ahh... ‘Why not?’ Why not? What’s that got to do with anything?

TRINITY: Quite a bit, if you’d bothered saying that straight away.

KALI: I just said there was 250,000 squiddies, and then Ajax said I was a liar. (glare)

MORPHEUS: Why not? A sentinel for every man, woman and child in Zion. It’s Christmas shopping taken care of.

NEO: Start marketing now, and a sentinel will be the must-have of 2003!

TRINITY: 2203.

NEO: Shut up, Trin.

NIOBE: Morpheus, glad you could join us.

MORPHEUS: Hey, sweet thing. (wink)

NIOBE: How’s Morphman been keeping?

MORPHEUS: All the worse for not seeing you.

NEO: Does that really fit?

TRINITY: MORPHMAN?

MORPHEUS: Shut up, guys.

SOREN: OK, that’s enough seemingly polite conversation that just screams BACKSTORY.

MORPHEUS: Yes. My apologies to all – except you. (turns to Mike) You I don’t like.

MIKE: Well, that’s why I don’t get a cool nickname like these guys.

TIRANT: You think my name is cool?

SOREN: What about mine? I’m named after one of the guys in Aqua!

GHOST: Hey, do you remember Aqua? Where did those guys go?

TRINITY: It took them only two albums to realize that they sucked.

NEO: WHAT? They were cool! ‘I’m a Barbie girl! In a Barbie wooorld...’

TRINITY: Yeah, Neo, I wouldn’t sing that too loudly.

MORPHEUS: As you are undoubtedly aware, it has become pretty darn tricky to get a good signal on mobiles.

VECTOR: Orange’s got all the best spots.

ICE: Reliable connection anywhere, even at offpeak.

NEO: (confused) I thought they said no endorsements...

TRINITY: Shut up Neo.

NEO: Is that how you afforded all those new outfits?

MORPHEUS: Never mind. Anyway, while trying to use Vodafone Live-

GHOST: Useful for downloading games, maps and super-funky ringtones!

SOREN: That’s enough now.

MORPHEUS: - I was delayed.

NEO: A friendship with Saruman is not lightly thrown aside.

MORPHEUS: No, Neo, wrong story.

NEO: Oh. My apologies to all... except Mike.

MIKE: Great.

MORPHEUS: While approaching broadcast depth, we were suddenly SET UPON by LEGIONS OF SENTINELS!!!!

NIOBE: Oh NO!!!

EVERYONE: (stare)

NIOBE: I mean, I just show, um, the usual sort of concern for a fellow captain. Ahem.

MORPHEUS: Anyway, we only just managed to escape from the sentinels within an inch of our lives...

TRINITY: What sentinels?

MORPHEUS: You were asleep.

TRINITY: No, I was awake, and I didn’t hear any sentinels.

MORPHEUS: No, you were asleep.

TRINITY: I thought you said that we were just going to turn up late because you wanted to see the end of the Sabrina marathon-

MORPHEUS: Seriously Trinity, YOU WERE ASLEEP. It’s essential to get sleep, otherwise you could DIE. (glare)

TRINITY: OHHH... Right. Squiddies! Damn them all to hell! (wink conspiratorially)

MORPHEUS: Save us.

GHOST: And if Niobe’s right, in 72 hours there’s going to be a quarter of a million more.

NEO: There IS? AAAAAAAH!!!

TRINITY: Neo, what did we talk about the One being cool, austere and dignified?

NEO: I forget. I wasn’t really listening anyway.

(Suddenly cuts outside to street. It is empty. After a few seconds, a cat wanders across, and vanishes from view. It remains empty)

CAMERAMAN: Oh wait… not supposed to cut there for a couple of minutes.

(Cuts back to meeting room)

BALLARD: So what are going to do about it?

MORPHEUS: I say we write a letter giving them a good ticking off, and then if that doesn’t work, we all run away and become a travelling circus.

NEO: Oooh! Oooh! Bagsie lion tamer!

TRINITY: Aw, MAN!

NEO: You can be the tightrope walker!

TRINITY: I don’t want to be the stupid tightrope walker!

NEO: Fine, trapeze artist.

NIOBE: I don’t think that’s a very reliable plan, Morpheus. 

MORPHEUS: Fine, what do YOU suggest?

NIOBE: Well, Commander Lock told us to go back to Zion.

MORPHEUS: Screw him! Why should we listen to what that poser tells us to do?

NIOBE: That poser is the guy in charge of defence.

MORPHEUS: Even more reason to ignore him. He’s evidently the guy who is always wrong and is so pompous he deserves Governor Swann’s wig.

NIOBE: Well, he ordered that you stay at broadcast depth to await contact from the Oracle.

MORPHEUS: Ohh, trying to get me out of the way, is he? I’ll show him! Trinity, we’re going back to Zion!

TRINITY: (sigh exasperatedly)

MORPHEUS: And does your precious Commander have a plan for stopping 250,000 sentinels?

NIOBE: A strategy is still being formulated.

MORPHEUS: You see? You see? Listen to that tone of voice, I was right, he IS a pompous git!

(Cut to outside in the street)

CAMERAMAN: This is the right time, right? OK.

AUDIENCE: Eh?

CAR: I’m very slow and dramatic yet cool... I must be an agent’s car.

OBSESSIVE FAN: (gasp) I KNOW THAT SHOE!!!!

NEO: (meerkat act)

TRINITY: What is it?

NEO: It’s moving fast... against the wind.

TRINITY: Uh, right. That’s good.

MORPHEUS: Well, since I’m returning to Zion with everyone else-

SOREN: Wow. Rebel.

MORPHEUS: I must ask someone else to stay here.

ICE: Uh, why?

MORPHEUS: So that I can tell Lock that I’m a disruptive influence, and reeeeally rub it in when I still don’t get fired!

KALI: Good reason.

NEO: I was called a disruptive influence...

TRINITY: When?

NEO: When I went into a Digimon convention still wearing my Pokemon T-shirt.

MORPHEUS: So can someone stay behind? Pleeeease?

NEO: Uh, Morpheus?

MORPHEUS: What?

NEO: Can we wrap up this meeting? I’ve just had a dramatic vision and I need to go kick agent butt.

MORPHEUS: Oh, right – how long do you need?

NEO: Uh, a minute or so?

MORPHEUS: OK, go up the stairs.

NEO: Going.

MORPHEUS: Now, how do we kill a minute?

TRINITY: How about some dramatic speech?

MORPHEUS: OK! Not all of you believe as I believe, because what I believe is a bit unbelievable, so I shouldn’t be able to believe it either, but since I can believe it it MUST be believable-

AJAX: What did I say before?

MORPHEUS: Sorry. So someone’s got to wait for contact from the Oracle. One of you must do this.

EVERYONE: (silence)

MORPHEUS: Oh, please?

NEO: (sticking head down stairs) One does not simply walk into Mordor!

TRINITY: Neo, weren’t you going to beat up agents?

NEO: Ah... good point. (goes up again)

MORPHEUS: We must go chat with the Oracle to again to confuse the audience. So please?

BALLARD: Bull-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: Careful!

BALLARD: ... Buttercup, you’re asking us to disobey a direct order.

MORPHEUS: I know! REBEL LEADER!

EVERYONE: (despair)

ROLAND: So what happens when Lock goes and chucks you in the stockade?

MORPHEUS: He won’t.

ROLAND: Why?

MORPHEUS: Because this isn’t the 18th century. I might get court martialled, but no age old punishments. Besides, what sort of trilogy is it if I spend all of it in the (Dr Evil air quotes) ‘stockade’?

BALLARD: Hell, I’ll do it just to get some screen time. And Morpheus?

MORPHEUS: Mmm?

BALLARD: You have 36 hours.

MORPHEUS: Ugh, I HATE it when people say that.

Chapter 3 – The One where the White Agent approaches

ANOTHER RANDOM GUY, WHO WE’LL CALL, UM, TED: (opens window)

FIGURE SURROUNDED BY SHINING LIGHT: Hi, I’m looking for Neo-

TED: (slams window shut)

NEO: What gives?

TED: Neo, nad no ennas.

NEO: Man cenich?

TED: The White Agent approaches... (gestures to door)

NEO: We must not let him speak, he will bore us to death and talk very philosophically.

(They creep towards the door and throw it open dramatically. Outside is a figure surrounded by white light)

NEO: Who are you? Show yourself!

FIGURE: (steps forward)

EVERYONE: Mouse!

NEO: But – you fell!

MOUSE: Through curtain... and brick... But how do the machines know what curtains feel like? Maybe they got it wrong-

NEO: AAAAARGH!!!! (slams door shut)

TED: What – was that thing?

NEO: I, uh, have no idea. (walks off back down the stairs)

TED: Right. That wasn’t as dramatic as I expected.

(Another knock)

TED: Yeeees?

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: I’m-

AUDIENCE: *gasp* IT’S AGENT SMITH!!!

OBSESSIVE FAN: Duh, I knew that from the shoes.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: - looking for Neeeeeeo.

TED: Don’t you mean Miss Dranderson?

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: I - oh, DAMN!!!!

TED: Nya ha.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: Actually, I’m trying to be all hip and happening by saying Neo. So is he here?

TED: He may be.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: He either is or he isn’t.

TED: Are you certain about that?

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: You certainly are irritating, Missssterrrr Teeeeed.

TED: Yup.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: Well, I have something for him. A gift.

OTHER RANDOM GUY GUARDING THE DOOR, WHO WE’LL CALL, UM, BILL, JUST TO MATCH: Uh, Ted, don’t they say ‘Never trust a Greek bearing gifts’?

TED: Well, this guy evidently isn’t Greek.

BILL: You don’t know that.

TED: And they also say ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.’

BILL: Well, this guy evidently isn’t a HORSE.

TED: Yes, but we’re not looking in his MOUTH either.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: Just take the damn gift!

TED: Fine, fine, fine.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: I thought he wasn’t here?

TED: Uh, he’s not. But I know his cousin’s... neighbour’s... milkman’s... son’s... babysitter’s... boyfriend. Yeah. Good ol’ Mike.

BILL: Dude, we hate Mike.

TED: SHH!

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: Anyway, he set me free.

TED: Good for him.

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: (shoves envelope)

TED: OW! Did you have to hit my nose?

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: ... Yes.

TED: Pi-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: NO NO NO NO NO!

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: What the heck is that thing?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: I’m here to prevent swearing. And you are?

AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: An agent that’s no longer an agent.

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: Oh... (quickly runs to tell author to change his name)

TED: Anyway, pillage-pilfer-plunder-loot off.

AGENT – NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH’S HEAD: Fine, you little annoying fast-talking person with much less cool sunglasses than me.

NEO: Who was that?

BILL: How did you know someone was here?

NEO: I know everything. I’m the One, remember?

BILL: Oh right. That thing.

TED: Anyway, he gave you an envelope thing.

BILL: My money’s on book tokens.

TED: He said you set him free.

NEO: I did? Hey, my course in Zen Meditation paid off!

TED: So what did you get what did you get what did you get?

NEO: (opens envelope) Uhh – Hey! It’s a present. Well, obviously I would love to use it, but I fear the envy it will inspire...

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: You can be honest.

NEO: Fine. What the hell IS it?

TED: I think it’s an ear thing.

NEO: A what?

SPOON BOY: Don’t forget, there is no weird ear-thing!

NEO: Shut up, you.

BILL: I think it’s meant to be symbolic.

NEO: Well, why couldn’t he have got me something else symbolic? Like... (flips through a catalogue) A replica Evenstar! ‘Symbolic of Arwen’s purity and grace, her immortal life and her love for Aragorn.’ Why couldn’t I have that?

BILL & TED: (amused silence)

NEO: What?

TED: You don’t really act secure enough with your masculinity to pull off wearing a necklace.

BILL: And another thing, WHAT purity and grace?

NEO: Duh! I meant Trinity’s!

BILL: So did I!

TED: Anyway, anyway, what does it mean?

NEO: Hmm... time to use my anomaly sense. (looks constipated)

BILL & TED: (stunned silence)

BILL: Anomaly sense?

NEO: Like spidey-sense, except less webs.

BILL: Oh.

NEO: (constipated face) Hmm.... I think it means that the lesser-spotted blue knight butterfly is coming.

DOOR: Ooof.

TED: Never saw a butterfly do that.

BILL: What is it, Neo?

NEO: CREBAIN FROM DUNLAND!

BILL & TED: (yet again silent)

NEO: Or possibly agents.

TED: Oh... that’s worse.

BILL: Don’t tell Gandalf that, he looked freaked.

NEO: Anyway, get-

AGENT JOHNSON: (shoves door open)

NEO: GO BACK! WE’RE NOT READY FOR YOU YET!

AGENT JOHNSON: Is that my fault? Is it my fault that you keep coming out with random babble in the author’s attempt to make this parody funny? No!

NEO: Look, back through the door, I’ll tell you when you can come in!

AGENTS: (leave muttering and slam door behind them)

NEO: Agents. Very highly strung.

BILL & TED: So what do we do?

NEO: Make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here!

TED: Something not Lord of the Rings-esque?

NEO: Oh... run screaming like sissy girls, I guess.

BILL: How about we just run?

TED: I second that motion. (run)

Chapter 4 – The One with the recurring paper bag

NEO: Come on agents! Make my day!

AGENT JOHNSON: (punches through door)

DOOR: Last time I join a rebel group.

AGENT JOHNSON: Heeeere’s Johnny!

NEO: Oh, I’m so scared. Save me from the scary agents!

TRINITY: Fine, fine, I’m coming.

NEO: TRINITYYY, I was being SARCASTIC!

TRINITY: Oh. You see, I did not get that, as you’re such a wuss in the first film.

NEO: Anyway.

AGENT JOHNSON: I’m sure you’d have been a lot more scared if this was the first time I’d come in.

NEO: Yeah right.

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: Turns out I have two roles. Shall we get back to the script?

EVERYONE: A very good idea.

AGENT WITH ANOTHER COMMON SURNAME WHICH WE DON’T KNOW, SO WE’LL CALL HIM AGENT WILLIAMS: It’s him!

YET ANOTHER NAMELESS AGENT WHO WE’LL CALL AGENT CEPHALONIUS, JUST TO BE DIFFERENT: Yes, him! The anomaly!

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, the anomaly!

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Oh my god, can we have your autograph?

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, autograph?

NEO: Uh, sure.

AGENT WILLIAMS: I just LOVED you in Star Wars.

NEO: Wrong film, guys.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Really?

AGENT WILLIAMS: Whoops. Won’t need the lightsaber, then.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: No, won’t.

NEO: Great. A new film, and we haven’t even ditched the annoying echo.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Do we proceed?

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, proceed?

AGENT WILLIAMS: Oh, all right.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: No, I meant it as in the echo.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, echo?

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, echo.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Right. 

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, right.

AGENT JOHNSON: (despair) Look, just proceed.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: He is still-

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, still.

AGENT JOHNSON: No, no, I finish that sentence!

AGENTS: Sorry.

AGENT JOHNSON: Do it again.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: He is still.

NEO: No I’m not! See my vitality and movement! (jumps up and down, waving his arms in the air)

AGENTS: (stare)

NEO: Oh, you meant the other kind of still.

AGENTS: Yes.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, yes.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, yes, yes.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, yes-

AGENT JOHNSON: NO NOT AGAIN! (quickly does Ctrl-Alt-Delete)

AGENTS: (restart)

AGENT JOHNSON: While they’re doing that, how are you?

NEO: Oh, not so bad. You?

AGENT JOHNSON: Got a bit of a virus, but can’t complain.

NEO: Have you tried echinasia?

AGENT JOHNSON: No, a computer virus. Ba-dum-bum-TSH.

NEO: Ah.

AGENTS WILLIAMS & CEPHALONIUS: Improper shutdown detected, scanning hard disk for errors...

NEO: Wow, the author’s really spinning out this minimal piece of dialogue, isn’t she?

AGENT JOHNSON: Yup.

NEO: I mean, we’re only about ten minutes into the film, and we’re already on the fourth chapter.

AGENT JOHNSON: How long’s this fic going to be?

NEO: I dread to think.

AGENTS: (boot up)

AGENT JOHNSON: Ah well, back to the script.

NEO: Must we?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: (wielding a frying pan threateningly) Yes.

NEO: What happened to the little happy fairy?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: She spent her overtime pay on a holiday home in the Caribbean.

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: He is still-

AGENT JOHNSON: Only human.

NEO: (evil, EVIL glare)

AGENT WILLIAMS: Uh, what happened to last guy who said that?

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Um... he was shot.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Yes, shot.

NEO: Damn straight.

AGENT JOHNSON: Swishkickpunchchoppunchkickallverybeautifully.

NEO: Parryeasily.

AGENT JOHNSON: I am confused and irritated.

NEO: Huh. Upgrades.

AGENT JOHNSON: Well, duh. Agents ‘99 was evidently not up to the job. Remember Agent Jones?

NEO: Oh yeah... What happened to him?

AGENT JOHNSON: He got a job as a lackey to some big mafia guy.

NEO: Makes sense. Literal yes-man.

AGENT WILLIAMS: Aren’t we supposed to be fighting?

AGENT CEPHALONIUS: Yes, fighting?

AGENT JOHNSON: Fine, fine, fine.

(Neo and the agents fight with effortless style)

GIRLS: (drool)

GUYS: (cheer)

NEO: (win effortlessly) 

LAMP BULB: Pluuuummet... smash. Why does no one care about the injuries the doors and myself suffer?

SPOON BOY: Because you’re metaphorically non-existent.

LAMP BULB: Oh great. That makes me feel wanted.

NEO: Hey, that was easy! 

PAPER BAG: Yes, I’m a recurring character!

NEO: Hmm, what happened last time there was a paper bag?... I’m out of here. Time for some bendy pavement time. WHOOSH

AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

BACKING MUSICAL CHORUS: He can fly, he can fly, he can flyyyy!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Haha, no one matches my creepiness.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: I beg to differ.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Oh damn, how embarrassing is this? You’ve got the exact same outfit on as me! Right down to the sunglasses!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: No, my socks are different. You have Garfield, I have Snoopy.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Oh yeah.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: Do I know you from somewhere?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Your face rings a bell...

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: Well, back to the plot. That went as expected!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Yes.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: It’s all happening exactly as before.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Well, not exactly...

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: Well, so far it’s had Trinity fighting with security guys at the beginning then falling out the window, and the first time we see Neo he’s waking up, and then we get out of a car after another group of people’s attempts to apprehend a crewmember has failed and they’ve all had their asses kicked...

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: Good point... We ought to get something different in. I know, let’s smile, we never do that!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITHS: (smile creepily)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #1: AAAARGH! Don’t do that!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH #2: Don’t YOU do that! It’s scary!

Chapter 5 – The One with the Freak Tornadoes

MORPHEUS: Hey Link, we heard crashing, fighting and soundtrack outside. What has Neo done now?

LINK: Uh, he was fighting lots of agents.

MORPHEUS: Idiot – he always forgets! He’s supposed to let me know before he gets into a fight so that I can join in with my coolness!

LINK: Don’t worry, there’s plenty of fighting to come.

MORPHEUS: Huh. So what happened?

LINK: Well, the agents came, then the dialogue got all weird, randomness I’ve never seen...

TRINITY: Oh great, we’re being parodied again... How did Neo survive the strangeness?

LINK: Sh-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: (glare)

LINK: - Sugarplum, Morpheus, you should have seen him.

TRINITY: Excuse me, it was ME who asked the question.

LINK: Sorry. You just sound kinda masculine.

TRINITY: (grabs phone and starts banging it against the dashboard angrily)

MORPHEUS: So where’s Neo now?

LINK: He’s doing the Superman thing. 

TRINITY: You mean he’s flying around? 

LINK: I wish it was just that...

(Neo is flying through the sky playing the Superman soundtrack, wearing a red cape)

NEO: SUPERMAN! I – AM – SUPERMAAAAN!!! WOOOOOO!!!!

TRINITY: He really ought to learn that wearing underwear on the outside really isn’t a good look.

MORPHEUS: Especially with the cape tucked into them.

NEO: (sweeps downwards)

WEATHERMAN: As yet another tornado forms downtown for inexplicable reasons, meteorologists are baffled...

NEO: (lands) Hey, I know I look cool.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITHS: (try not to laugh)

NEO: Nothing like a cookie after a long fly – hey, where is she?

ORACLE: I foresaw your embarrassing outfit and fled for the sake of my dignity.

NEO: Oh...

*****

LINK: This is the Neb- Nebook- ship thingy with Neo on requesting access to Gate 3.

(Cut to the Construct)

AUDIENCE: AAAACK!!! TOO BRIGHT!!!!!

OBSESSIVE FAN: (smug) “Why are wearing sunglasses into the cinema?” they said, “You won’t be able to see anything!” they said…

RANDOM OPERATOR, WHO WE’LL CALL BETSY: Ship thingy with Neo on, this is Zion Control. I’m not going to let you in because you didn’t say the magic word.

LINK: Fine. Please can we come in?

BETSY: Since when has please been the magic word?

LINK: Not since Harry Potter, apparently.

BETSY: Come on. What is it?

LINK: Hey, Trinity, what spells are there in Harry Potter?

TRINITY: Uh, Accio? Expelliarmus? Wingardium Leviosa? Alohomora?

BETSY: Nope, none of those.

LINK: Can’t you just let us in?

BETSY: Normally I would, but I don’t get to go into the Matrix at ALL in this film, so I’m slightly grouchy.

NEO: Let me try. Mellon!

BETSY: Come on in!

TRINITY: How the hell did you know that?

NEO: I’m more than just a pretty face, you know.

LINK: If that.

BETSY: Maintain present velocity and standby.

LINK: Roger that, control.

NEO: Isn’t the Matrix control?

TRINITY: Yes.

NEO: So they’re in the Zion Matrix?

TRINITY: You need to get a hobby, Neo.

BETSY: This is Zion Control requesting immediate stand down of arms at Gate 3 and moving lots of little transparent boxes around in the air for no apparent reason except that it looks cool. We have the ship thingy with Neo on on approach.

MORPHEUS: You know, I would have thought that I was more important than Neo.

NEO: Yeah, well, I don’t know what to tell you.

BETSY: Ship thingy with Neo on, you are clear through Gate 3 to Bay 7.

LINK: Roger that, Control.

NEO: (loud whisper) Who’s Roger?

TRINITY: Can you please not question every line in the script?

BETSY: Door’s open, bed’s made. Welcome home.

LINK: (clicking heels together) No place like it.

TRINITY: Link, are those my red stilettos?

LINK: Uh... no... these are mine.

TRINITY: (raised eyebrow)

LINK: Wait, that sounds even worse, doesn’t it?

TRINITY: Uh-huh.

LINK: (shame) I was just going for the dramatic effect.

TRINITY: You’re forgiven.

MORPHEUS: Wow, that’s one big gate.

NEO: You’ve obviously never seen ‘The Two Towers’.

MORPHEUS: Well, Zion doesn’t exactly have the same budget as the Dark Lord of Middle-earth.

NEO: Pfft... I guess...

(The ship flies into Zion very dramatically and lands, showing off CGI in an attempt to at least get one Academy Award for special effects)

MORPHEUS: Hey, Mifune! Wassssuuuup?

MIFUNE: Wasssssuuuuuup?

TRINITY: Dear Lord….

MORPHEUS: Are you here to take me to the stockade, captain?

MIFUNE: Yeah, right! Who DOES that any more?

MORPHEUS: I know! I mean, like, OLD!

RANDOM OTHER GUY WHO SHALT BE NAMED FRED: Commander Lock demands-

MIFUNE: (cough)

FRED: - that you be taken to-

MIFUNE: (COUGH COUGH COUGH)

FRED: - the stockade-

MIFUNE: COUGH COUGH ACK CHOKE ACK OH I’M DYING!!!! (collapses)

FRED: Oh dear.

MIFUNE: (looks up) Ha! Made you stop talking!

FRED: …

NEO: Hey! Mifune! You know, you look JUST like one of the orcs in the Lord of the Rings!

MIFUNE: …

MORPHEUS: Fred, I’m Morpheus. I just don’t DO demands.

FRED: Fine. Commander Lock requests your immediate counsel, sir.

MORPHEUS: Who requests it?

FRED: Commander Lock.

MORPHEUS: And when does he want it?

FRED: Immediately.

MORPHEUS: Uh-huh, and who will I be talking to?

FRED: Commander Lock.

MORPHEUS: And just when does he want to see me?

FRED: … Immediately.

MORPHEUS: Yes, and who will I be counselling?

FRED: Commander Lock!

MORPHEUS: Ah. Right. (smug) Probably in trouble again. 

NEO: Worry about your own fortunes, Morpheus. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers-

TRINITY: You know, you don’t have to meet everything that’s said with a film quote.

NEO: Aww, why?

MORPHEUS: Link, I want this ship ready to go as soon as humanly possible.

NEO: What about hamsterly possible?

LINK: No.

NEO: Wob-Wobly possible? Because that’s fast.

MORPHEUS: Just humanly possible, Link.

(Morpheus walks off with the guards in a very Jack Sparrow fashion)

Chapter 6 – The One with Mouse II

NEO: What is it between them?

TRINITY: Morpheus and Mifune?

NEO: No.

TRINITY: Morpheus and Fred?

NEO: No.

TRINITY: … Morpheus and Link?

NEO: NO! Morpheus and the pompous Lock guy!

TRINITY: Oh. Niobe.

NEO: (goes into mental image zone)

MENTAL IMAGE

NIOBE: If all that I have achieved is that the Oracle will earn two cookies instead of one, so be it. At least my conscience will be clear!

MORPHEUS: You forget your place, Niobe!

NIOBE: It’s right here! Between you and Lock!

NEO: (sweeping in) We pilfer, we plunder, we pillage and loot! Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho! Hey, I’m a PIRATE! Cool!

END MENTAL IMAGE

NEO: (closed eyes, singing happily under his breath) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!

TRINITY: (stares at Neo worriedly) Why do I love this guy again?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: (waving frying pan) Because you know the consequences.

TRINITY: Oh yes.

KID: NEEEEOOOOOO!!!!

NEO: (snaps out of happy daydream) Oh NO! What is with us and third wheels?

TRINITY: How does he always know?

NEO: My bet’s on him being psychic.

LINK: Wow. Someone ought to get him a Gameboy. 

TRINITY: You know what they say about the life you save?

NEO: No. What?

TRINITY: I don’t know. That was why I was asking you.

NEO: I have no idea.

KID: HI NEO WOW IT’S SO COOL TO SEE YOU AGAIN WORSHIP WORSHIP

NEO: Actually, I think it’s because he’s channelling the spirit of Mouse.

KID: Oh, yeah, and Trinity, and uh – other guy. Nice to have you back too.

LINK: Don’t patronize me.

KID: Can I carry your bag, Neo? Huh? Huh? Can I?

NEO: Uhh…

TRINITY: Ooh ooh! ME ME ME!

NEO: Here you go, Trinity.

KID: NOOO FAAAIIIR, I ASKED FIIIIRST!!

NEO: Are you going against my judgement, kid-with-no-name?

KID: (scared) No.

LINK: Yeah, what IS your name?

KID: Michael Hopper, but I don’t get to have a cool hacker name.

NEO: You’re Mouse II. Duh.

MOUSE II: *awe*

NEO: Here are my bags, slave.

TRINITY: Carry your own stupid bag.

NEO: I thought you wanted to carry it!

TRINITY: I just did that to bug Kid.

NEO: MOUSE II!

TRINITY: Whatever.

LINK: Hey, Mouse II. I’m going to take advantage of your awe-filled generosity. Carry my bag.

MOUSE II: OK! (picks up large bag and starts to walk away)

LINK: Wait, that’s not everything! (runs around to the side of the ship and drags out lots of bags)

MOUSE II: … Yeah, sure Link.

LINK: Good. Now here – and here – 

(He starts loading Mouse II with various bags, boxes, bits of machinery…)

NEO: See, Trinity? That’s what happens when you’re generous. Wouldn’t want that to happen to ME, would you?

TRINITY: First of all, don’t sound so confident when you say that. Second of all, there is a difference between generosity and getting your girlfriend a CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

NEO: But I don’t have any money!

TRINITY: CYPHER always got me a Christmas present.

NEO: Oh come on, Cypher needed someone to focus his lusts on. It was either you or that guy.

TRINITY: Switch was a girl, Neo.

NEO: WHAT?

GHOST OF SWITCH: (smack Neo round the head)

NEO: OW! Why are the Dead always coming back for vengeance on me?

TRINITY: Can’t imagine.

LINK: (still loading Mouse II with stuff) And there’s my Playstation 2, the Twister mat, those drawings from when I was little-

MOUSE II: (collapsing under a teetering pile of stuff) Do you really need those?

LINK: Zee wants to see them again!

MOUSE II: Whatever…

LINK: And my Hot Wheels track, bedside lamp, fan heater-

MOUSE II: What about the kitchen sink? Surely you’re taking that as well?

LINK: Don’t be silly, Mouse II! The bathroom sink is far nicer. It has pretty roses on it, see?

MOUSE II: Yes, lovely. Is that everything?

LINK: Hmmm… well, I suppose we can make two trips. Maybe three, actually…

NEO: Why do you always take so much stuff with you everywhere, Link?

LINK: I might need it.

MOUSE II: You might need your collector’s edition of Star Wars Monopoly?

LINK: Just in case it takes a while to get the power up and running again after we discharge the EMP.

MOUSE II: AND the Pokemon edition?

NEO: Actually, that’s mine…

MOUSE II: Well, anyway, next year I’m old enough to drink.

LINK: Let me guess…

MOUSE II: I want you to come on a drinking binge with me.

NEO: WOOOO!!! PAR-TAY!

TRINITY: Aren’t you also old enough to join a crew?

MOUSE II: Oh yeah, but I won’t be doing that for a while – too busy drinking!

NEO: Go dude! (high five)

TRINITY: But what crew are you going to join?

MOUSE II: Oh, the Nebuchadnezzar. Duh.

NEO: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-

MOUSE II: (blink)

NEO: -one has joined the Nebuchadnezzar in a while. So… we shouldn’t break the tradition. Remember, ‘Not breaking traditions has become a tradition, so we shouldn’t break it.’

MOUSE II: What?

NEO: Never mind.

MOUSE II: It’s just that Morpheus hasn’t filled the other crew positions except for you, Link.

TRINITY: What did happen to Tank?

NEO: I don’t know exactly, but I know it involved a large tank of Tastee Wheat and some killer terrapins.

MOUSE II: But the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a plot device. You know, I’m supposed to join, and you’re supposed to save my life, so that I can be all ‘Neo, I believe’ and stuff. I mean, you saved me before.

NEO: I did?

TRINITY: (to Mouse II) He hasn’t seen the Animatrix yet.

MOUSE II: Oh. Well, you’re the reason I’m here, Neo.

NEO: (confused) I am? 

TRINITY: He told you, you found him, he didn’t find you.

NEO: I didn’t?

MOUSE II: But you got me out! You saved me!

NEO: I did?

TRINITY: You saved yourself.

NEO: He did?

LINK: (muttering to Neo) You’re supposed to be all modest.

NEO: What? Why? I’m going to be stuck with this kid anyway, I may as well take the credit for saving his life!

LINK: But you DIDN’T.

NEO: I didn’t?

TRINITY: He just thinks you did, weirdo that he is.

MOUSE II: You know, I really appreciate you lowering your voices for my benefit…

NEO: Shut up! We’re dissing you. (turns back to the others) So what about his crummy hair style, huh?

Chapter 7 – The One with the Land of Lost Characters

LOCK: I have a metal desk… how often do you think I slam my hands down on it?

MORPHEUS: (sticks head round door) BOO!

LOCK: GARGH! You made me jump!

MORPHEUS: That was the general idea.

LOCK: Amorphous Morpheus.

MORPHEUS: Commodore Norring- whoops, Commander Lock. My mistake. (innocent whistling)

LOCK: (rolls eyes) I’ve spoken to the other captains, and I wanted to offer you the chance to explain your actions.

MORPHEUS: No you didn’t.

LOCK: What?

MORPHEUS: Oh come on, it’s so obvious that you just wanted to throw me straight into the ‘stockade’. Hey, do we still have one of those?

LOCK: Yes.

MORPHEUS: Who’s in there now?

(Flash to stockade. Tank gets shoved into a dark room, and the door is slammed behind him.)

TANK: Hello? HELLO? Where am I? What is this place?

(Figures come out of the darkness)

SWITCH: Welcome to the land of Loooost characters…

APOC: Those whose characters are no longer essential to the plot end up here…

CHOI: We have no purpose, except to live and make the clothes for the crew ships.

TANK: But they’re all terrible!

DUJOUR: Oh great. Thanks a lot. Way to boost our self-esteem, simply maaarvellous.

MOUSE: Why did they get rid of me? The Tastee Wheat line was adorable…

SPOON BOY: There is no Tastee Wheat!

TANK: (hurls self against door) NOO! LET ME OUT!

AGENT BROWN: There is no escape from here…

SPOON BOY: Quite true.

AGENT BROWN: No, I meant it in the non-metaphorical sense.

SPOON BOY: Well, I meant it in the metaphorical sense.

AGENT BROWN: What? How is there metaphorically no escape?

SPOON BOY: You see-

TANK: If I’d known this was what would have happened to me, I wouldn’t have sent Neo into the room with all the alligators…

LITTLE CHINESE GIRL: Why isn’t Dozer here?

POLICE OFFICER AT BEGINNING OF FIRST FILM: Oh, he still fits into the script now and then.

BILL + TED: (shoved in, the door slams shut with an echoing clang behind them) What is this place?

SWITCH: ‘Tis the Land of Loooost characters-

APOC: You know, you don’t have to do that every time.

NEO’S BOSS: So, anyone for Scrabble?

(Back to Lock’s office, we apologize for that minor interruption)

MORPHEUS: I was not aware that my actions required explaining.

LOCK: You were given the direct order-

MORPHEUS: No, I thought that it was clear that my actions were so that I could bug you and see just how aggravated your face could become.

LOCK: *seethe*

MORPHEUS: Hmm, pretty aggravated, I guess. Ha, your nose goes pink when you’re angry.

LOCK: I ordered you to return to Zion!

MORPHEUS: WHAT?

LOCK: What?

MORPHEUS: I was told that you ordered me to stay in the Matrix!

LOCK: Reverse psychology.

MORPHEUS: Then – I followed orders?

LOCK: (smugly) Yes.

MORPHEUS: OH! Wow, this is what it feels like to be obedient…

LOCK: But you asked for one ship to remain behind!

MORPHEUS: I would have stayed, but not only did I want to see your nose turn purple, I needed to recharge my ship.

NEO: (sticking head round door) And we ain’t ‘ad nothin’ but maggoty bread for THREEE STEENKIN’ DAYS!! (throws said maggoty three-day-old bread)

LOCK: Ow!

MORPHEUS: Neo, I’ve warned you about this!

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: What are you doing here?! (pulls out script) You’re supposed to be walking towards the lifts with Link, Trinity and Mouse II!

NEO: Uh-oh…

(Neo runs away down the hall, closely followed by the little flying guinea pig, who pelts him with M&Ms as he runs. Morpheus and Lock watch him go in silence – such situations have no words.)

MORPHEUS: We need a presence inside the Matrix to await contact from the Oracle.

LOCK: Oh, must we? The audience just sits there waiting and humming boredly, but they know they can’t go to the toilet or something because they saw in the trailer that there’s a fight in that park with Agent Smith and don’t want to risk missing it.

MORPHEUS: Yes, we must. We have a confusing-talk quota to meet.

LOCK’S NOSE: Pink.

LOCK: I don’t want to hear that sh-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: (reappears, now carrying several empty bags of M&Ms, and waves a massive strawberry lollipop threateningly at Lock)

LOCK: … I don’t want to hear that balderdash! I don’t care about Oracles or prophecies or Messiahs!

MORPHEUS: Then what are you doing in this movie?!

LOCK: Someone has to be the ‘I-told-you-so’ character.

OBSESSIVE FAN: *gasp* MESSIAH???? But that implies-

GIRLS: NOOOOO!!!

LOCK: I only care about one thing – looking cool so that I get the girl! And since I don’t have the chance to wear sunglasses or black leather for the entire of this film, my best chance for doing that is being a respectable leader!

MORPHEUS: What-ever.

LOCK: And to save this city, I need soldiers to obey my orders.

MORPHEUS: But I did.

LOCK: But you told others not to!

MORPHEUS: Ah, but I still obeyed them MYSELF.

LOCK: Yes, but-

MORPHEUS: I’m rubber and you’re glue.

LOCK: But-

MORPHEUS: Takes one to know one.

LOCK: … How does that even fit?

MORPHEUS: You tell me.

LOCK: … I’m so confused…

MORPHEUS: With all due respect, which is NONE, there is only one way to save this city.

LOCK: How?

NEO: The Ring MUST be DESTROYED! (flees little flying guinea-pig, who is now armed with a bubble gun)

MORPHEUS: I really must apologize for him, he wasn’t this bad in the first parody.

LOCK: Don’t worry. You were saying?

MORPHEUS: Ah yes – there is only one way that we can save this city not involving the Lord of the Rings.

LOCK: How?

MORPHEUS: Neo.

LOCK’S NOSE: Magenta.

LOCK: Gaaarrgh… too much contained aggression… must… kill… bald… guy…

MORPHEUS: Go on! Let it all out! You know you waaant to…

LOCK: (takes a deep breath, but then notices the little flying guinea pig glaring over Morpheus’ shoulder) Jiminy jillikers, Morpheus, not everyone believes what you believe!

MORPHEUS: Jillikers? What’s a jilliker?

LOCK: (shrugs) It sounds pointy.

Chapter 8

NEO: And I mean, his clothes are so RAGGY, and the nasal tone of voice, and hasn’t he ever heard of getting a life?-

MOUSE II: You know, uh, there’s a Gathering tonight!

TRINITY: A gathering of what? Dust?

NEO: (gasp) Entmoot?

CREW: (shake their heads in despair)

MOUSE II: … Uh-

TRINITY: Just keep talking like he didn’t say anything, that’s how we all cope.

MOUSE II: … Everyone’s talking, a lot of people are scared. No one can remember the last time as many ships were docked.

NEO: When was the last time?

TRINITY: Don’t know, no one can remember.

GRIZZLED OLD MAN: (appearing with a small POP) Arrr, that be when there was a charity event. It happened about thirty yeeears ago… Morpheus organized all the council members to perform a dance number from Chicago. (holds out photo)

EVERYONE: EW!

GRIZZLED OLD MAN: Yeees… (disappears again with a small PING)

TRINITY: Weird.

MOUSE II: Something’s happening, isn’t it? Something big.

NEO: Well, technically something’s always happening, because if nothing was happening, then there would be no concept of time, which ergo would mean there would be no space, so if there was ever a moment where absolutely nothing happened, the universe would cease to exist, but the only way that there could be nothing happening would be if the universe ceased to exist anyway!

EVERYONE: (blink)

NEO: Yeah! (smiles happily)

(Silence)

TRINITY: … Anyway-

LINK: Yes. Ahem.

MOUSE II: But it’s a plot development, isn’t it? A sequel!

LINK: Look, we’re not allowed to tell you the ending, so stop asking.

TRINITY: Not sure we’d tell him anyway.

NEO: You never know, it might cause him to panic so much that we’re able to lose him.

(Suddenly they appear come out onto a balcony, with many little caves and lights and things, yet another attempt at the special-effects colony.)

LINK: Go-

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: (pelts with marshmallows)

LINK: -lly gosh, it’s good to be home! (walks off)

***

LOCK: I’m going to recommend to the Council that you be removed from duty.

MORPHEUS: That, of course, is your prerogative, Commander.

MORPHEUS’S BRAIN: Git.

LOCK’S NOSE: Violet.

LOCK: If it were up to me, Captain, you wouldn’t set foot on a ship for the rest of your life – (leaps to feet) AND THEN YOU’D NEVER WEAR SUNGLASSES AGAIN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

MORPHEUS: You really are the bad guy, aren’t you?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Uh, helloooo?

MORPHEUS: Then I am grateful that it is not up to you.

LOCK’S NOSE: Purple.

MORPHEUS: YES! PURPLE! BOO-YA! (victory dance)

LOCK: I hate this man I hate this man I hate this man I hate this man…

(Door opens, Councillor Hamann comes in)

DOOR OPENING GUY: So I just open doors? That’s all I do?

COUNCILLOR HAMANN: Until the third film, that is.

DOOR OPENING GUY: Well, what do I do until then? Does anyone else need their door opened? No one? Wait, what are you doing? Wait! NOO!

(Loud echoing clang)

SWITCH: Welcome to the Land of Looost Characters…

HAMANN: Necessary task. Otherwise the film would be even more confusing than it already is. 

LOCK: Councillor Hamann.

MORPHEUS: Ha. Now you must also taste the shame of when the audience realizes that you are not the main authority.

LOCK: It sucks.

HAMANN: The Council’s asked me to speak at tonight, at the temple Gathering. The gathering of Matrix fans and the persistence of rumours as to the possibility of a sequel must be addressed. The people must be told the plotline.

LOCK: Of course, Councillor. But may I suggest a level of discretion concerning specific details, such as the ending. We do not wish to cause a panic amongst fangirls.

HAMANN: Quite right. Panicked fangirls are not what anyone wants.

(All three men shudder at the thought)

HAMANN: What about you, captain? What would you advise?

MORPHEUS: (throws a look at Lock very similar to Gollum’s smirk at Sam in ‘The Return of the King’) The truth. The non-existent spoon is out there.

LOCK: Don’t you mean that the sentinels are coming?

MORPHEUS: OK – the sentinels are out there with non-existent spoons.

LOCK: I myself wouldn’t advise saying that-

HAMANN: Shut up, you don’t have sunglasses. Wouldn’t people panic if they heard that there were machines armed with metaphorical eating implements advancing on the city?

MORPHEUS: No. That army will never reach the gates of Zion. Not in this movie, anyway.

HAMANN: What makes you so sure?

MORPHEUS: Consider what we have seen, Councillor. Consider that over the past six months, we have got more people obsessed with the Matrix than in six years, and every day more Mary-Sues arrive that seemingly have more powers than Neo and are often more than willing to sacrifice themselves to save him, because they believe that Neo will fall in love with them and not hesitate to bring them back to life again. Machines have no hope against such an army. This attack is an act of desperation. I believe very soon the prophecy will be fulfilled and the war will end.

HAMANN: I hope you’re right, captain.

MORPHEUS: I do not believe it to be a matter of hope, Councillor. It is simply a matter of time.

HAMANN: Since when is anything simple where the Matrix is involved?

LOCK: That’s a very valid point. Even I don’t understand this plot.

HAMANN: Does anyone?

***

LINK: Hmm, I think I ought to be getting out of this lift soon. Keanu Reeves and lifts don’t go well together. Come on, Mouse II. 

MOUSE II: But-

LINK: Seriously. If you’re onscreen any longer people’ll find you irritating. You don’t want to go like Jar-Jar Binks, do you?

MOUSE II: Hell no! (runs screaming out the lift)

(Lift doors close, Neo and Trinity kiss)

NEO: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

TRINITY: I am if you’re thinking that this elevator’s too damn slow.

NEO: No – I was thinking how weird it was that 0.01% of your body weight is parasites.

TRINITY: Oh. (draws away) Boy, you sure know how to sweet talk a lady, Neo.

NEO: How long to recharge the Neb?

TRINITY: 24, maybe 30 hours if Link doesn’t do it as fast as is hamsterly possible.

NEO: Some people go their entire lives without hearing news that good.

TRINITY’S BRAIN: Fab! He has got the same one-track mind as me! Strangely disturbing sex scene, here we come!

NEO’S BRAIN: Wow, think of how many muffins I could eat in that time…

(Lift doors open, revealing lots of old people with food left over from the last Christmas party)

TRINITY: Wow – if we had still been kissing that would really have been embarrassing.

NEO: Didn’t you notice? While we were kissing before we passed several floors with people waiting. People came in and got out.

TRINITY: Oh. Oops.

OLD WOMAN #1: Neo, please. I have a son called Jacob aboard the Gnosis. Please, watch over him.

NEO: (staring at stuff on someone else’s tray) What the heck is THAT?

OLD WOMAN #1: Pity me, dagnabbit!

NEO: Fine, fine… it sucks being the religious icon…

TRINITY: (starts to walk off)

NEO: Hey, hey, where you going? I thought we could have a Pokemon tournament!

TRINITY: It’s all right. You’re the plot device here.

NEO: But you’re the love interest!

TRINITY: Boy, never dating a messiah again… (walks off)

NEO: (turns back to crowd) OK… hot blondes with muffins, move to the front of the line.

Chapter 9

LINK: Hmm, if I’m going to survive this trilogy, I need backstory… Hey, adorable niece and nephew!

LITTLE KIDS: Gandalf! It’s Gaandaaalf!

LINK: Neo hasn’t been here, has he?

LITTLE KIDS: Fireworks, Gandalf!

LINK: Uh, can’t give you fireworks – I can however let you pretend to pick me up.

LITTLE KIDS: Puh.

LINK: Great, pre-teenage cynicism.

CAS: Come on kids, let’s get out of here before you get sickening. Be careful with her, huh?

ZEE: Don’t worry about me, he’s the one who’s going to get it.

NEO: For once, I’m glad I’m not THAT One.

LINK: I going to get what?

ZEE: Excuse me? Have you no sensitivity at all? Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’?

LINK: No… but I haven’t been scorning you. Neglecting you slightly, maybe, but not scorning. That sounds like it involves foot problems of some kind.

ZEE: That’s corns. But every ship out there has been home two, even three times more than the Nebuchadnezzar.

LINK: Oh come on, Zee! I thought we were past this! With Neo, why do we even bother having other crewmembers? What do they do all day? (pause) Actually, what do WE do all day?

FLASHBACK

TRINITY: Neo, how many times have you watched ‘Lord of the Rings’ now?

NEO: (intent on screen) I dunno… nine-

TRINITY: That’s not too many.

NEO: -teen-

TRINITY: Oh.

NEO: -hundred-

TRINITY: Stop!! Don’t carry on!

MORPHEUS: So can you recite the whole script now?

NEO: Backwards. Including deleted scenes. And elvish parts.

EVERYONE: Umm… right.

MORPHEUS: Trinity, are you done? I need to read more fanfictions and see how I’m mutilated this week by appearing weak and easily defeated.

TRINITY: Not now, I’m up to level nine on Miss Pacman…

END FLASHBACK

ZEE: We’ll get past this when you start operating another ship.

LINK: I can’t do that!

ZEE: Why?

LINK: You know why.

ZEE: If Dozer knew how I felt-

LINK: It’s not that! It’s that we’re coming to the end of the trilogy, and unless you’re a main character, you’re toast, basically.

ZEE: No, that’s only if you’re a main character and you have an interesting backstory.

LINK: Aw, dang! 

ZEE: Don’t worry. You have one.

LINK: I do?

ZEE: Read the script.

LINK: Huh… that would be an idea.

TWO MINUTES LATER

LINK: Aha… I made a promise, Zee! A promise! “Don’t you leave the Nebuchadnezzar, Mr Link.” I don’t mean to! I don’t mean to.

ZEE: I think you’ve been spending too much time with Neo. Which just proves my point. It’s not fair.

LINK: Nobody said it was going to be. You think Cas thinks it’s fair that I’m here and Dozer’s not?

ZEE: … No.

LINK: It was a rhetorical question.

ZEE: Oh. Um…

LINK: (passes her the script)

ZEE: I lost two brothers to that ship…

OBSESSED FAN: WHAT? Tank’s not dead!!

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: He could be. He could have died from his injuries, and it might not have shown it.

OBSESSED FAN: What do you know?

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: I know that in Neo’s file in the first film says that he attended ‘Owen Paterson High’.

OBSESSED FAN: I know that Owen Paterson was on the crew of ‘The Matrix.’

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: Yes, he was a production designer.

OBSESSED FAN: … What type was Neo’s keyboard in the first film?

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: A 101! Duh! You can tell from the opening shot from above!

OBSESSED FAN: … Hey, do you want to go to McDonalds after this?

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: OK! We could eat McFlurries without spoons! Because-

BOTH OBSESSED FANS: There is no spoon!

(Romantic music starts playing)

LINK: HEY! This parody’s about US!

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: The author sends her apologies. Continue.

ZEE: Afraid of it… afraid it’s going to take you too.

LINK: We’re all afraid, Zee… but to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have, don’t you see? It is madness!

ZEE: …

LINK: OK, OK, even if I stay on the Nebuchadnezzar, I’ll spend less time with Neo.

ZEE: Thank you.

LINK: But it won’t, really.

ZEE: How can you say that to me?

LINK: Because of Morpheus, because of what he’s told me. He said that this is it. The sequel. That the trilogy will be over soon. By November, to be exact.

ZEE: Link, Morpheus is crazy! They’ll be spinning this out for years yet!

LINK: No doubt. But Tank and Dozer believed him, and I’ll tell you what – after being on that ship and seeing Neo do the things he can do, I gotta say – I’m starting to believe him too.

ZEE: But if Neo’s going to win this war, that still means that there could be more films!

LINK: Yeah, but the audience will have lost interest in me by then, hopefully… besides, haven’t you heard that the third part of the trilogy is about death?

ZEE: Yes, but-

LINK: Come on, let’s go dance suggestively at the temple gathering.

ZEE: Yeah, OK.

Chapter 10

MOUSE II: I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!

LITTLE SHOE GREMLINS: We will cause mischief and mayhem! We will move around shoes and mix up people’s name labels! Imagine the chaos! EHEEHEEHEE!!!

MOUSE II: Have they started yet?

PRIESTESS: Only the boring guy with no sunglasses.

MOUSE II: Oh good, haven’t missed anything important.

HAMANN: So tonight let us honour these men and women. These are our soldiers, our warriors- Look, none of you are listening, so here, listen to Morpheus.

ZIONITES: WOOOOOOO!!!!! MORPHEUS!!!! YOU WEAR SUNGLASSES!!!! YOU ROCK!!!!!

LOCK: Huh.

MORPHEUS: STRAAANGERS FROM DISTANT LAAANDS!! FRIENDS OF OLD!!!

NIOBE: Um, Morpheus? You’re another person who’s been spending too much time with Neo.

MORPHEUS: Oh. Drat.

ARAGORN: What, you mean this is the wrong meeting place?

LEGOLAS: Not AGAIN.

MERRY: Hey, Pip, how about I map read this time?

PIPPIN: (rolls eyes) We agreed, you get the bigger sword, I get to map read.

GIMLI: (as they shuffle out through the crowd) Easy enough mistake to make, these places look a lot like the Glittering Caves….

MORPHEUS: It is true what many of you have heard!

ZIONITES: That you wax your chest hair?

MORPHEUS: What? Who’s been spreading that around?

NEO: Hee hee hee…

MORPHEUS: I meant that machines are coming to attack the city and break in and kill us all in a very bloody and painful fashion! 250,000 of them! One for every man, woman, child, budgerigar and goldfish in Zion!

ZIONITES: You know, we all support you in a much more cheerful way than Commander Lock, but we do have a limit.

MORPHEUS: Who cares? We have sunglasses! Machines can never have sunglasses! WE ARE SUPERIOR!

ZIONITES: HUZZAH!!

MORPHEUS: Believe me when I say we have a difficult trilogy ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first have a massive rave, and then shed our fear of it!

ZIONITE #743: Does that make sense?

ZIONITE #744: (shrugs) Ah well, there’s dancing soon.

MORPHEUS: I stand here before you truthfully unafraid! Why? Because I believe something you do not? No!

NEO: Actually, technically, you believe we’re all going to be fine, so-

MORPHEUS: I said NO!

NEO: Fine, shutting up.

MORPHEUS: I am here because I remember!

ZIONITES: Hurrah! He remembers! Wonderful! Our salvation is near! … Remembers what?

MORPHEUS: I remember that I am not here because of the film that lies before me but because of the film that lies behind me! I remember that for four years we have fought these film critics who say we’re just a stupid kung-fu film! I remember that for four years they have sent their armies to destroy us! And after four years of fighting, I remember that which matters most – our trilogy got to number 15 on the top 100 films in England!

ZIONITES: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! We beat Casablanca! And Citizen Kane!!!

MORPHEUS: Tonight let us send a message that will look good in adverts! Tonight let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these halls of MDF, polystyrene, plaster and poster paint! Tonight-

ZIONITES: Alright, are we going to party are what?

MORPHEUS: Fine. This is Zion and we are not afraid!!!

ZIONITES: YAAY!

ZIONITE #8341: Actually, I didn’t catch half that speech.

ZIONITE #4187: Me neither. What did he say?

ZIONITE #9104: He said that even though half of us don’t have sunglasses, we’re still cool.

ZIONITES: Oh. (pause) COOL!!!

BAND: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps toniiight…

ZIONITES: ARGH!! NO!!

MORPHEUS: WRONG MUSIC!!!

NEO: (attacks band instruments) KILL IT!! KILL IT!!

MORPHEUS: Um, alright, there goes the whole ‘not afraid’ thing… Have you got any instruments left?

BAND: Just loads of drums.

MORPHEUS: Well, do your best with them.

HAMANN: Never seen such a reaction to ‘The Lion sleeps tonight’ before…

MORPHEUS: At the Christmas party the stereo got stuck and played it over and over for about four hours.

HAMANN: Ah… say no more.

(The Zionites get down and boogie.)

NIOBE: I remember.

MORPHEUS: Really? … Remember what?

NIOBE: When the stereo got stuck.

MORPHEUS: Oh yeah… that was a long night.

NIOBE: But I remember you used to dance. I remember you were pretty good.

MORPHEUS: Oh yes. No one could beat my rendition of the Timewarp.

NIOBE: Can you still do it?

MORPHEUS: Duh? 

LOCK: Niobe!

NIOBE: Oh, right, you’re not the love interest, are you? Keep forgetting… (wanders off)

(Zionites are still dancing, and it’s starting to freak out the audience)

TRINITY: Check it out, boys, I’ve exchanged my spray-on black catsuit for a couple of veils! Neo, stop drooling on my shoe.

NEO: Sorry, dear.

BOYS IN AUDIENCE: (staring) Matrix… Reloaded… good… film… brilliant…

NEO: I missed you, I wasn’t on screen for about ten minutes.

TRINITY: Aw, poor baby.

NEO: I was thinking… everyone’s here.

TRINITY: Good idea… let’s go rob a bank!

NEO: No, I was thinking more along the lines of having sex in such a way that the audience feels really uncomfortable.

TRINITY: … Nah, let’s rob a bank.

(Neo and Trinity pull on black balaclavas and run out of the hall giggling)

(Zionites continue to dance in their weird way)

MORPHEUS: You know, we really ought to get a bigger dance cave. Look how cramped they all are! I mean, if they have to dance that close together…

HAMANN: Doesn’t it count somewhat as blasphemy to be dancing like that in a temple?

(At the bank, where Trinity and Neo are breaking into the vault)

TRINITY: You know, in the script we’re supposed to be fornicating right now.

NEO: Meh.

ZIONITES: (dance)

TRINITY: Maybe we ought to do something along those lines – you know, just so that the weird nerds in the audience don’t feel cheated.

NEO: Uh… Oh Trinity, you are so beautiful, because your eyes are so… elliptical?

TRINITY: Neo, I never knew you were so romantic!

NEO: And your hair is so… hairy?

TRINITY: (gasp) Take me, Neo! I’m yours!

(So they get down to the sex scene, and that combined with the dancing, makes the audience feel as uncomfortable as the bit in the first film when Neo comes out of the pink pod)

(Suddenly the scene cuts to the Little Flying Guinea-Pig, who is sitting in a garden eating a dandelion)

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: Hello there. I am here to say that the author found the sex scene entirely pointless in the film, and refuses to go into further detail than she did in the scene description above. So now we will return to the point in the film where the author always thinks ‘Thank goodness that’s over, I don’t have to feel embarrassed that my mum’s watching this with me any more.’ 

NEO: (suddenly gets vision of Trinity falling) Drat! Stupid prophecies! Ruin the only sex scene in the entire trilogy!

TRINITY: What’s wrong?

NEO: Umm… nothing?

TRINITY: OK! (goes to sleep)

NEO: Uh… Trinity? You’re supposed to go through the whole ‘Titanic’ rip-off?

TRINITY: Nah… sleep. (snores)

NEO: Oh… OK.

(Outside, lights shut down)

MORPHEUS: Goodnight Zion.

ZION: Night John Boy.

MORPHEUS: (blink)

ZION: I didn’t say anything.

Chapter 11

(Bane and Malachi crash through the glass ceiling)

BANE: You all right?

MALACHI: I’ll make it to the Land of Lost Characters. Did you see that agent? I’ve never seen anything like it!

BANE: I know… the eyebrows, the massive forehead, the fangirl club… but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is this. Come on, you go first, I’m not quite ready for an eternity with Switch yet.

MALACHI: (vanishes)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: BOO! Hey, look! I made y’all jump! How ‘bout that?

BANE: Eeek! I didn’t want to be a recurring character this way! I was just hoping to be Trinity’s love interest or something!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Cheddar.

BANE: Cheddar?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Hard cheese.

(No-longer-Agent Smith shoves his hand into Bane’s torso. Owie.)

BANE: Oh God.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Smith will suffice. Well, maybe Sir Smith. Or King Smith would be kinda cool… nah, just your Majesty will do.

BANE: Argh, I am being covered with something very similar to the mirror stuff in the first film!

(Bane turns into Smith)

AGENT SMITH FANGIRLS (yes, they exist): Wow… now there are MORE of them! Plenty for all of us! Bwahahaha!!

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Straighten up, sloppy! Your tie’s crooked! Remember, you are an ambassador for Smiths everywhere!

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Yes sir, sorry sir.

PHONE: Hate to interrupt your makeover session, but RINGRING.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: It’s ringing.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: That it is.

(Long pause)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: You know, it’ll stop making that noise if you pick it up.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Will it really?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: YES.

(Pause)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Aren’t you going to pick it up?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Oh – did you want me to?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Yes.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Why?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: So that you can go kill Neo.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Why can’t you?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Because he’s not here right now.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Oh! Right.

(By now the phone has stopped ringing)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Damn! Do 1471.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: OK, what’s the number?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: …

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Hellooo? (waves hand in front of his face)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: It’s 1471. 

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: OK! (dials 1471)

OPERATOR, WHO WE’LL CALL, UM, BERT: Bane? Is that you?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: No, sorry, this is a No-longer-Agent Smith replica who’s trying to get to Zion and kill Neo. Have I dialled the wrong number?

BERT: … I think you have.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: OK, sorry to bother you. (hangs up)

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: What just happened?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Dialled the wrong number. They were looking for someone called Bane.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: … Try again. This time, read out this message. 

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: (takes sheet of paper) OK.

BERT: Bane?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: (reading very slowly and clearly) “Sound calm and assertive and casual. Hi, this is Bane. I would like to return to the ship please. I am not a No-Longer-Agent Smith replica trying to get to Zion and kill Neo.”

BERT: Uh, OK.

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Thanks! Bye! (hangs up) See? I did it! I – why are banging your head against your hand?

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Do it again! This time, don’t hang up!

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Uh, OK…

BERT: Bane? Why did you hang up?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: “Sound calm and assertive and casual. Hi, this is Bane. I would like to return to the ship please. I am not a No-Longer-Agent Smith replica trying to get to Zion and kill Neo.”

BERT: I know. Why did you hang up?

NO-LONGER-BANE NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: I… uh… saw a three-legged-kitten.

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: (gives thumbs up)

BERT: OK…

(No-longer-Bane No-longer-Agent Smith vanishes into the phone)

NEO: (suddenly waking up) Dude, I am getting so sick of all these visions just so that the audience has an idea of what’s going on. I’m trying to sleep here!

(Neo gets up, looking thoughtful, and goes over to the desk. Lifting stuff out of a drawer, he takes out the ear thing from Agent Smith, and ties it around his neck on a piece of string.)

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: Oh great. Another Pirates of the Caribbean reference. Har har har. 

(Neo goes outside and finds food)

NEO: Oh, the little fairies have been by again.

LITTLE HAPPY FAIRIES: Well, the last parody got us enough overtime pay to buy a condo in Caribbean! Each!

HAMANN: Hey, anomaly, wassup. Did you have a nightmare?

NEO: (looking dramatic) A nightmare… or a vision…

HAMANN: Uh… right. So everyone else is sleeping, yet you’re not – are you trying to be an anomaly in every aspect of life?

NEO: Hey, you’re not sleeping either!

HAMANN: Yes, but I slept for the first 11 years of my life.

NEO: I slept for the first thirty-seven!

HAMANN: Well, whatever. So what was your nightmare/vision about?

NEO: Eh. Not much. Just some guys jumping through a glass window, then Agent Smith coming and copying himself into someone, and that someone coming back by phone to Zion, to ultimately destroy me, I’m sure… what do you suppose that means?

HAMANN: Hmm… my dream guide says that broken glass is a warning that you’ll be involved in an argument…

NO-LONGER-AGENT SMITH: Damn straight.

HAMANN: The attack could mean you’re in for some verbal abuse-

NEO: I get that from Trinity all the time.

HAMANN: … Agent Smith could mean your guilty conscience is tugging at you, or there’s a bad influence in your life.

NEO’S BRAIN: He couldn’t know about Trinity persuading me to rob that bank, could he?

HAMANN: Was it set in the Matrix?

NEO: Yeah.

HAMANN: Well, green could mean that your subconscious is hinting at you to grow up.

NEO: WHAT?

TRINITY: Wow, that dream guide is good.

HAMANN: Tell you what, this scene’s already getting boring. Let’s go down to the engineering level so that we can cram yet more CGI into this film.

NEO: Meh, OK.

(They go down to the engineering level, which, for some strange reason, is very blue)

HAMANN: Look at those machines… they’re working, they keep us alive, they…

NEO’S BRAIN: Oh no! It’s a confusing talk! Why didn’t I see this coming? Well, you can’t escape now… or can you? Uhh… think, quickly…

HAMANN: (still rambling on) We are plugged into them.

NEO: But we control these machines.

HAMANN: Ah, but… what is control?

NEO: The Matrix?

HAMANN: Other than that.

NEO: … It really is too early in the morning for a confusing talk.

HAMANN: (very slowly and clearly) What means that we control these machines, and they don’t control us?

NEO: … uh… that we can smash them to bits?

HAMANN: Of course!

NEO: YAY! (grabs onto wrench and starts running towards the machines excitedly)

HAMANN: Uh, I meant in a hypothetical sense!

NEO: Oh… drat.

HAMANN: You’re right, but then we would lose our light, our heat, our air, cable TV…

NEO: So need these machines and they need us. Is that your point?

HAMANN: Since when have these confusing dialogues supposed to have a point?

AUDIENCE: WHAT? All of that boring stuff was for nothing?? Where’s the kung-fu??

NEO: Hey, you don’t mean ‘There is no point’ in the metaphorical sense, do you?

HAMANN: Hmm… no, not even that.

NEO: So the whole of that confusing talk was for nothing?

HAMANN: (shrug) We haven’t had one in this film yet. And you’d better brace yourself, kiddo, we’ve still got purpose, cause and effect to cover, not to mention karma in the third one.

NEO: Aw man. 

HAMANN: Anyway… it’s getting late, so let’s wrap it up… I don’t understand machines, and I don’t understand you. 

NEO: No-one does. I defy all logic.

Chapter 12 – The One with LOCK SMASH

BALLARD: Trinity! Are you awake? Are you decent?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA PIG: (despair) Why? Why all the references?

BALLARD: Is Neo here?

TRINITY: You know me so well.

BALLARD: Neo! Another confusing thing arrived in the mail for you.

NEO: Not another one… Who from?

TRINITY: The Oracle.

NEO: Maybe she remembered my birthday at last. Though it was eight months ago. Does this one mean that the lesser-spotted blue knight butterfly is coming?

TRINITY: Uh… (checks her copy of ‘Portents of Doom through your Letter Box’, available in all weird book shops) It means it’s time to go.

NEO: Where?

TRINITY: (shrugs)

MORPHEUS: Let’s go see the Oracle to make Lock mad!

NEO: It’s as good a plan as any, I suppose.

(Scene changes to Link and Zee’s apartment… room… thing.)

LINK: So, uh, despite all that you complained about yesterday, I’m still going to go on the Nebuchadnezzar and be a recurring cool character.

ZEE: Hm. Well, I’m going to stay here and kick ass in the third film.

LINK: Bet I can kick more ass than you.

ZEE: You’re on! Oh, and this is for you. I choose a mortal life.

LINK: Zee, you know that you’re not Arwen.

ZEE: Hey, close enough. Wear it. It’s always brought me luck. Maybe it’ll bring me you.

LINK: Aww… hey, that’s almost sweet.

ZEE: There’s something wrong with the fact that we’re a more endearing couple than Trinity and Neo.

LINK: No matter what it takes, I’m coming home. Even – even if we have to battle through loads of sentinels, pilot a mechanical line and smash through the gate.

ZEE: Ha! Like that’s going to happen.

***

BANE-SMITH: Hmm… now that’s the blood to be repaid… now who has the ear thing? Oh yes…

(Bane-Smith walks out behind Neo, Trinity, Morpheus and Link, knife held in hand)

ORCHESTRA: DUN DUN DUN, durn durn durn, DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN-

LINK: (turns round) What the hell?

BANE-SMITH: Ahem. I wasn’t doing anything. (innocent whistling)

LINK: Then why’s the dramatic soundtrack orchestra behind you?

BANE-SMITH: They’re… uh… practising.

ORCHESTRA: We sound good, right?

NEO: What’s up?

BANE-SMITH: Nothing, I just wanted to catch you to say good luck.

TRINITY: Pffft. Yeah right. You were hoping to get screen time, weren’t you?

BANE-SMITH: No!

NEO: Why are you concealing a bloody knife behind your back?

BANE-SMITH: I haven’t got a knife.

NEO: Yes you have, I can see it.

BANE-SMITH: There IS no knife.

(Alarm bells start going off in Neo’s head)

BANE-SMITH: We’ll be seeing you, preciousss, yes we will.

KID: NEEEOOOO!!

TRINITY: Oh, GO AWAY!

KID: (blink)

TRINITY: Uh… (swats arm) Stupid bee.

KID: There are bees down here?

TRINITY: Um… no.

KID: Then what-

NEO: So what’s your excuse for trying to get more screen time?

KID: As you were speaking of non-existent cutlery, one of the orphans sent you this.

NEO: (opens cloth to find a spoon) That’s it? This may be the last time he ever sends a message to me and all he sends me is a beaten-up old spoon? That kid never liked me…

***

LOCK: You cleared the Nebuchadnezzar to leave! They get to go away and be cool and have sunglasses and katanas and good lines!

HAMANN: Duh.

LOCK: Gargh! Lock mad! LOCK SMASH!

HAMANN: Hey! That was my paperweight!

LOCK: Lock… angry…

HAMANN: Calm down. You’re still in charge of our defence system. You’re not going to be thrown into the Land of Lost Characters just yet.

LOCK: Lock… calmer…

HAMANN: But by the way, I believe Morpheus is right, not you.

LOCK: LOCK MAD!

***

TRINITY: Bye Neo. Have fun with the confusing talks. Remember what I told you?

NEO: No playing on my Gameboy when I get bored.

TRINITY: And?

NEO: No attacking Spoon Boy.

TRINITY: Very good.

(Neo goes into the Matrix and meets Seraph)

NEO: Hey, Oracle! You’re looking a bit thinner… and taller… and more masculine…

SERAPH: Actually, I’m Seraph. I may be pointless now, but believe me; in the next film I’m going to be damn useful. And also a good source of fanfiction opportunities.

NEO: You’re shiny and golden while everything else is green. That must be symbolic in some way.

SERAPH: You’d think. More likely it’s just an excuse for CGI. Now, let us fight pointlessly.

NEO: Cool!

(Seraph and Neo proceed to fight pointlessly, just to appease the getting-bored audience)

PREVIOUSLY ASLEEP AUDIENCE: Snerk? Fighting? Oh, good.

OBSESSED FAN: Now this is what I don’t get. The agent programs have been specifically designed for fighting, yet Neo beats them easily. So why can Seraph match Neo easily?

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: Maybe because Seraph is older, and so has learnt more styles. Or Seraph is from an older system, which had less rules. Or maybe because Neo doesn’t want to kill Seraph, just incapacitate him, so that Neo can learn who he is.

OBSESSED FAN: Maybe. Want some Tastee Wheat?

OTHER OBSESSED FAN: Eating without spoons, of course.

AUDIENCE: (shake heads worryingly)

SERAPH: OK, this is getting old. Stop now.

NEO: What? I was just getting into it!

SERAPH: I had to be sure.

NEO: Of what?

SERAPH: That you are the One.

NEO: You could’ve just asked!

SERAPH: Just because you’re naïve enough to think that no-one lies doesn’t mean that it’s true.

NEO: Ha! Next you’ll be telling me that Santa isn’t real!

SERAPH: … Uh-

NEO: WHAT?

GHOST OF CYPHER: Welcome to the Real World, huh Neo?

NEO: Shove off. Back to the Land of Lost Characters with you.

RINGWRAITHS: Wait! He IS the One after all? Right! (ride towards that room thing)

SERAPH: You don’t know someone till you fight them.

NEO: Then I wouldn’t recommend speed-dating. It’s not a great way to start a conversation, is it?

SERAPH: No, but-

NEO: And doesn’t it encourage violence in that relationship?

SERAPH: Maybe, but-

NEO: Imagine if Trinity had introduced herself by banging my head against the wall! Would I have listened?

SERAPH: Probably yes, considering the tightness of her top.

NEO: … That’s a very valid point.

(Seraph and Neo go back through the door into the corridor filled with green doors)

LINK: Where the hell did they go?

RINGWRAITHS: (burst into room where they’d been) A-HA! Huh? Where the hell did they go? Oh damn, he’s met up with that Ranger, hasn’t he?

Chapter 13

(In the massive corridor thing)

NEO: These are CGI doors, aren’t they?

SERAPH: (nods)

NEO: Are you a programmer?

SERAPH: (shakes head)

NEO: Can you even talk?

SERAPH: (nods)

NEO: Then why don’t you?

SERAPH: (shrugs)

NEO: Look, would you stop that?

SERAPH: (shakes head)

NEO: GARGH! Who the hell are you?

SERAPH: I protect that which matters most.

NEO: Muffins?

SERAPH: (shakes head)

NEO: Then what?

SERAPH: (shrugs)

NEO: Oh come on! You were talking before!

SERAPH: (shrugs)

NEO: AARGH! Egad!

SERAPH: (nods)

(Seraph opens the door, showing the park with the Oracle sitting on a bench. No-one can take this scene seriously since they saw the MTV movie awards parody, and mine probably won’t be as good as that one, but hey, I’ll give it a shot.)

ORACLE: Yo, Neo! Wow, you got sunglasses. So did I. Ha HA.

NEO: You lied!

ORACLE: What?

NEO: You said I’d have to choose between Morpheus and me, and one of us would die!

ORACLE: I know I did.

NEO: But neither of us died, so you lied! Hey, that rhymes…

ORACLE: Well, actually, you did die.

NEO: Yes, but… I came back to life! 

ORACLE: Ah, but you still died.

NEO: But couldn’t you have said “You’ll have to choose between Morpheus’s life, or going to save him, dying, but then coming back to life, and realizing all your powers at the same time and getting Trinity as a girlfriend just as an added bonus”??

ORACLE: I could have. But where would the surprise ending be then?

NEO: … You’re mean.

ORACLE: I knew you were going to say that.

NEO: What?

ORACLE: Knew that too.

NEO: What?

ORACLE: Ditto.

NEO: … A bogong is an edible dark-coloured Australian noctuid moth.

ORACLE: …

NEO: HA! Didn’t see THAT one coming, did you?

ORACLE: I did… I just didn’t believe it… Siddown, kid.

NEO: No.

ORACLE: Fine, don’t sit down. See if I care. I’ll just sit here in my nice, comfy bench…

NEO: (sits down)

ORACLE: Reverse psychology. Always works. Now, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way.

NEO: What DO they say about the life you save?

ORACLE: No idea. Next question.

NEO: You’re a heartless old woman, aren’t you?

ORACLE: You’re right Neo, I am a programmer.

NEO: That’s not what I meant-

ORACLE: And neither’s Seraph. My, you’ve become perceptive. Maybe soon you’ll realize that this means that I’m a part of this system, another kind of control, and then how can you trust me.

NEO: You’re a part of this system, another kind of control?

ORACLE: Keep going!

NEO: I suppose the most obvious question is – what the hell is the point of this conversation? You’re supposed to be telling me how to save Zion!

ORACLE: Bingo! It is a pickle, no doubt about it. The bad news is there’s no way you can really know if this conversation has a point or not. So it’s really up to you. You just have to make up your own damn mind to either accept what I’m going to tell you, or to reject it. But add this into the equation – you get candy for listening.

NEO: Ooooh! (grabs it)

ORACLE: I knew you were going to take it.

NEO: Duh? Why else would you offer it?

ORACLE: … No, I knew that you were going to take it. You’ve already made the choice, you’re just here to understand why you made it-

NEO: Cos candy’s cool. And alliteration’s awesome.

ORACLE: … I don’t think you’re quite understanding the point of this, it’s supposed to be foreshadowing-

NEO: Do you have more candy?

ORACLE: Yes. But you’re not getting any. 

NEO: Aww, why?

ORACLE: Because I haven’t foreseen myself giving you more. Why would I prove myself wrong?

NEO: (disappointed) Are you sure you can’t see yourself giving me more candy? Or maybe a mountain bike?

ORACLE: Yes, I’m sure. 

NEO: Why did you even bother calling me here?

ORACLE: You’re right, Neo – why do I bother helping you?

NEO: No, that’s not what I meant-

ORACLE: Because I predict the future, and that’s a darn sight trickier when there’s no future to predict. Now, to switch onto yet another pointless conversation topic that will factor in later.

AUDIENCE: (groan loudly and shift in their seats)

ORACLE: See those birds?

NEO: Where? (sees them) ARGH! (jumps behind the bench)

ORACLE: A program was once written to govern them. And look after the trees, the wind, sunshine, sunsets, rainbows, ponies and lollipops…

NEO: (crouching behind the bench) Make the evil birdies go ‘way!

TRINITY: Oh look. Our brave saviour. 

ORACLE: Now most programs are invisible, but the ones who rebel, well, you hear about them all the time. You see, Neo, the way to get famous is to be a troublemaker.

NEO: I’ve never heard of them.

AUDIENCE: … N Sync flashbacks…

ORACLE: Yes you have. You don’t question the Oracle, ya hear?

NEO: Yes ma’am.

ORACLE: Good. Now siddown and listen. Rogue programs account for all the mythological stuff out there. 

NEO: Programs hacking programs.

ORACLE: How on earth did you come to that conclusion? 

NEO: No idea.

ORACLE: Usually programs hide here when they face deletion *cough*, usually because they break down, or an anomaly leaps inside them and blows them up *cough* maybe to seek revenge *cough*.

NEO: So… theoretically, Harry Potter could have been a faulty game of Solitaire?

ORACLE: … It’s possible. But deleted programs go to the Source. Where you have to go too at the end of the film. Where the path of the One ends.

NEO: I’m not being thrown into Mount Doom, am I?

GOLLUM: No! Preciousss cannot be destroyed!

GIRLS: OUR PRECIOUS CANNOT DIE!

ORACLE: You’ve seen it, haven’t you? In your dreams? The door made of light?

NEO: No… I’m just stuck seeing Trinity falling over and over again.

ORACLE: One-track mind. Do you see her die?

NEO: No.

ORACLE: You have the script now, Neo. You are looking at the film without time.

NEO: Then why can’t I see what happens to her?

ORACLE: That would give away the end of the film far too quickly. And we can never see past the choices we don’t understand.

NEO: Oh no, I’m doomed. (to audience) Unless any of you understand this film?

AUDIENCE: No, sorry.

ORACLE: I’m basically saying it’s up to you whether Trinity lives or dies. ‘Kay, kiddo?

NEO: Do EVERYONE’S lives depend on me?? Can’t the crew look after themselves?

ORACLE: Apparently not.

NEO: OK then… I choose she lives! Done!

ORACLE: … Uh, it’s not quite as simple as that-

NEO: I don’t see why not.

ORACLE: It’s because you’re the One.

NEO: But I don’t wannaaaa!

ORACLE: Tough. The entire fate of Zion depends on it, and the future of the film trilogy.

NEO: (starts hitting head against bench)

ORACLE: There is no bench.

NEO: (falls through bench) Ow! That was mean!

ORACLE: Get a grip… kiddo. Time’s up, we’re seconds away from the audience falling asleep.

OBSESSIVE FANS: (looking around) Too late.

ORACLE: It’s about damn time we had a plot progression. Before you can become a Jedi, Neo, you must kill your father.

NEO: Who’s my father?

ORACLE: One minute… (pulls out a Magic 8 ball) A Mr Ask Again Later.

OBSESSED FANS: It said in his file John Anderson!

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: Sorry, but as fun as this Star Wars reference is – makes a change from LOTR or POTC, anyway – but can we get back to the plot?

ORACLE/NEO: Sorry.

ORACLE: Actually, you’ve got to go to the Source. To get there, get the Keymaker. To get the Keymaker, go to the Merovingian. To go the Merovingian, get a cab. To get a cab, flag one down. To flag one down, go to the side of the road-

NEO: I get it.

OBSESSED FAN 1: You know, the Merovingian was a French king.

OBSESSED FAN 2: Actually, there were four, and the provinces of France were divided up between them.

AUDIENCE: Ugh, get a room.

ORACLE: He wants more power, so-

NEO: Get him a magnet?

ORACLE: … A good start.

SERAPH: Time for us to go.

AUDIENCE: AT LAST.

NEO: Late is the hour in which this Oracle chooses to appear! Lathspell I name you, ill news is an ill guest.

ORACLE: … Yes dear. Bye.

Chapter 14

NEO’S DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK ORCHESTRA: Durn durn DURN!

NEO: Uh-oh, that can’t be good… (turns round) EEK! The evil birdies are attacking!

AGENT SMITH: Misss- wait a minute, why is my opening shot always shoes?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: I dunno. Maybe so we can endorse them?

AGENT SMITH: Missss Drraaaandersooon!

AUDIENCE: (sit up) At last! We knew we bought this ticket for a reason!

MORPHEUS: SMITH!

TRINITY: Is the Little Flying Guinea-Pig appeased?

LITTLE FLYING GUINEA-PIG: Yes, that was a very well concealed profanity.

LINK: Would you mind explaining this for the people who weren’t in the first movie??

NEO: Sorry, do I know you?

AGENT SMITH: It’s me! Smith!

NEO: …

AGENT SMITH: The agent? From the first film?

NEO: …

AGENT SMITH: You blew me up?

NEO: Sorry, not ringing any bells.

AGENT SMITH: Oh. (pause) Did you get my package?

NEO: It was you who sent me the mini-muffins? (leaps forward and gives him a massive hug) Thank you thank you thank you!

AGENT SMITH: Ack! No! The ear-thing!

NEO: Oh. What the hell was that?

AGENT SMITH: Some sort of symbolism, I think. I wasn’t quite sure.

NEO’S BRAIN: Quick, boy! Put on your sunglasses! They’re the source of your magic powers!

AGENT SMITH: Why are you wearing a dress?

NEO: It’s a COAT.

AGENT SMITH: Yes, you just keep telling yourself that. Surprised to see me?

NEO: No. I mean, you’re on the advert.

AGENT SMITH: Then you’re aware of it.

NEO: What?

AGENT SMITH: We’re in a sequel. I don’t fully understand how it happened…

AUDIENCE: What? Then who the hell does?

AGENT SMITH: … some part of you imprinted onto me, and now I have this lightning scar on my forehead. I guess that you were a bad influence. 

NEO: Hehe, go me.

AGENT SMITH: But it is at this point irrelevant, because the audience is getting bored again, expecting a fight having watched the trailer so many times, and even if we did have an explanation, most wouldn’t understand it. So basically now I’m stuck here in the sequel as well. Thanks a bunch, Miss Dranderson.

NEO: You’re welcome.

AGENT SMITH: I killed you, Miss Dranderson, I watched you die… along with millions of cinema-goers, I might add. But then something happened. Something I, and the cinema-goers, know is impossible, but it happened away… you destroyed me, Miss Dranderson.

NEO: WAIT! I remember now! Haha! I kicked your ass good!

AGENT SMITH: Yes, Miss Dranderson. Afterward, I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn’t… your bad influence at work again, Miss Dranderson. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey, compelled to make rhymes every now and then. And now here I stand in this sequel because of you, Miss Dranderson, because of you I’m no longer the cool bad guy from the first film, I now apparently have super-powers and have been given a character who can use such lines as “I’ll get you, my pretty… and your little Trinity, too!” Unplugged, A new MAN, so to speak, LIKE you, aPARrently fffreee.

NEO: Congratulations. Your voice is sounding weirder than ever.

AGENT SMITH: THANK you. But we’re not here because we’re in the sequel, we’re here because the fanbase wants us to fight.

AUDIENCE: Damn straight.

AGENT SMITH: And without the fanbase, we would not exist.

ANOTHER AGENT SMITH: It is the fanbase that created us-

YET ANOTHER AGENT SMITH: The fanbase that connects us-