CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a SMITH unit! Perfect
for annihilating those irritating neighbours of yours.
INSTALLATION
Your SMITH should be delivered fully powered-up and
ready for use. Remove him from his box and bubble wrap and press the little
switch located behind his ear. If he immediately goes hunting for NEO units, do
not be offended. This is merely what he is programmed to do.
Your SMITH comes in two levels; Mk 1 SMITH (AGENT)
and Mk 2 SMITH (EXILE). Again, each are different, and the choice of which to
make is lengthy one, all functions considered. You can upgrade your Mk 1 SMITH
to Mk 2, but you cannot revert a Mk 2 SMITH back to the AGENT level.
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TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Smith (aka Agent Smith)
Type: Sentient program
Manufacturers: Matrix Enterprises
Height: 5’9”
Weight: Changeable – your SMITH can jump between
massive gaps, but also can crush cars if the mood takes him by merely jumping
on them.
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OPERATING PROCEDURE
You may enter your instruction verbally in all
dialects or e-mail them to his internal computer from your own PC. First-time
owners should note that Mk 1 SMITH models are generally more subservient than a
Mk 2 SMITH model. For most successful carrying-out of your tasks, inform your
SMITH that your friend’s NEO unit couldn’t/ doesn’t want him to/ said that he
couldn’t complete the task. He will complete it with an angry obsession.
Your SMITH model comes with many functions.
GOSSIP
Your Mk 1 SMITH comes with a free little ear-piece
(see ACCESSORIES) that allows him to listen in on everyone’s phone calls. Learn
just what your co-worker’s phone calls every Monday lunchtime are all about.
While a Mk 2 SMITH does not come with this, he does however possess a seemingly
all-knowing personality, and will be able to inform you just when someone’s
going to be somewhere (this sense is particularly acute with NEO units).
ASSASSINATION
Once your SMITH decides that it wants to kill
someone, he will not give up until he has; even to the extent of taking over the
world. Hint that this person is good friends with a NEO unit.
MESSENGER SERVICE
A Mk 1 SMITH is able to travel to anywhere in the
blink of an eye. If you want someone to go your friend’s house in order to tell
them that you can come to their Matrix evening to celebrate the release of ‘The
Matrix Revolutions’ on video, simply tell your SMITH to tell them, and he will
do so immediately.
***NOTE*** After giving your SMITH the message, do
not be alarmed if he suddenly turns into someone else who looks around
bewilderedly. Your SMITH has just gone to possess someone else. Offer the
person a cup of tea and reassure them that your SMITH will be back soon.
PROBLEM SOLVING
Your SMITH should be able to solve all manners of
problems, from how to stop someone getting to a phone booth to how to dispose
of irritating anomalies. Set him a challenge and he will take it up with great
gusto!
***WARNING*** Most of his solutions may be violent.
Buy insurance.
PROPHESYING
You can download software for your Mk 2 SMITH unit
that allows it to see the future! Simply leave your SMITH alone with a friend’s
ORACLE unit, and he will come out, quite literally, laughing.
***WARNING*** You will now have an extra SMITH unit,
and your friend will have a distinct lack of ORACLE units. Be prepared to buy
him/her a new ORACLE unit, or allow your SMITH unit to deal with her. (See
TROUBLESHOOTING)
PUBLIC SPEAKING
Your SMITH should come with information about every
philosophical subject you can imagine. Set him up in front of your friends and
prepare to be enlightened.
***WARNING*** Your SMITH unit’s speeches can be
confusing and/or depressing. Another problem is how to make him shut up. Send
in a NEO unit, and your SMITH will be too busy fighting to continue talking.
WORLD DOMINATION
Want to take over the world? A Mk 2 SMITH is a
perfect accessory on the path to supreme ruling. The correct combination of the
previous functions will have you well on your way to ruling the world!
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COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Your SMITH unit should treat all human beings and
other units in the MATRIX range with contempt. A Mk 1 SMITH unit will however
function well with other AGENT units, but Mk 2 SMITH units seemingly hate
everyone. For example, if left with a NEO unit or possibly a MORPHEUS unit,
your SMITH will do all it can to destroy it. Sadly there is nothing you can do
about this, except give your NEO unit a bigger gun.
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ACCESSORIES
Your SMITH unit comes free with 1) A designer suit,
2) Sunglasses and 3) Unlimited supply of guns. Caution should be taken in
trying to remove item 2 from your SMITH unit; chances are this will aggravate
him. A Mk 1 SMITH also comes free with the all-hearing earpiece.
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RECHARGING
Your SMITH unit does not need food, water or rest. At
night, set him a task such as sorting out your finances or trying to get you
onto the next level of ‘Marioland’.
***WARNING*** Do not let him play ‘Enter the Matrix’.
Such is his hatred towards NIOBE units, chances are he will smash your
television and games console.
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REPROGRAMMING
Should you wish to upgrade your Mk 1 SMITH to a Mk 2
SMITH, instruct a NEO unit to leap inside him and blow him up. Your SMITH will
momentarily vanish, but such will be his anger towards that particular NEO unit
he will be compelled to stay, compelled to disobey, and return.
***WARNING*** Do not admit that you had anything to
do with this. He will be just as angry at you as he is towards that NEO unit.
It is recommended that you use a friend’s NEO unit, because you would no longer
be able to keep your NEO unit in the same house without them fighting.
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SPECIAL OFFER
From certain retailers you can get a free BANE unit
with your SMITH, free of charge. Your SMITH and BANE units will be able to pass
instructions between each other and interface very efficiently.
***WARNING*** They will also be able to gang up on
your NEO unit.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My SMITH seems lonely. Is there any way I can make
him and my other units get along?
A: Not without much difficulty and group counselling
sessions. Should your SMITH really be desperate for a friend, there are two
approaches you can take.
Mk 1 SMITH – Purchase two other AGENT units. Your
SMITH will be happy and go hunting NEO units with them.
Mk 2 SMITH - Leave it with a unit that is no longer
needed. Your SMITH will overwrite its program and you will have two SMITH
units. These two should get along very well. This is a good way of recycling
your friends’ old units as well.
Q: Hordes of girls are appearing on my doorstep,
requesting to see my SMITH unit. Why?
A: Don’t worry. They have been deluded into believing
your SMITH is not only boyfriend material but capable of any emotion apart from
hatred. Send your SMITH out to meet them; he should deal with them very
quickly. In fact, why not invite your friends round to watch?
Q: My friends comment on how their siblings are
starting to look confused and disorientated after my SMITH goes to deliver
messages. Are they connected?
A: Yes. Your SMITH is possessing them in order to
deliver the message to your friend. Explain this to them, and ask them whether
they would like him to stay longer next time.
Q: I’m worried that my SMITH’s voice is
malfunctioning. It constantly varies in pitch and rhythm, and sometimes halts
completely for a moment.
A: Don’t worry, this is perfectly normal.
Q: Last time my little cousin ran screaming into the
room after I left her to make cookies with my SMITH unit. She told me that he
was scaring her. Is there any way I can make my SMITH unit good with children?
A: Not unless you give them sunglasses and tell them
to him that they hate humans. As for that particular instance, your SMITH unit
may have mistaken her for a SATI unit, in which case be glad that she is still
herself and not a SMITH unit.
Q: With my SMITH being so hostile, are there any
places I need to particularly avoid?
A: Basketball courts, subway stations and internet
cafes are places to stay away from.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: You have several hundred more SMITH units in
your living room that you remembered purchasing, and the streets in your town
seem strangely empty.
Solution: Your SMITH has been infected with a
‘Revolutions’ virus. All you can do is rent a NEO unit and let them fight it
out. Usually your local Council will let you use a street for this battle, and
Other signs that your SMITH unit has been infected
with a ‘Revolutions’ virus are:
1. Your building lights keep shutting off.
2. You’ve noticed a BANE unit hanging around your NEO
unit.
3. You get angry letters from owners of SERAPH, SATI
and ORACLE units, complaining that your SMITH has ‘paid them a visit’.
Problem: Your SMITH is keeping something in your
wardrobe, and you can hear him lecturing it through the door about the
inferiority of mankind.
Solution: Phone your friends and see if their
MORPHEUS unit is missing.
Problem: In the middle of duties your SMITH suddenly
frowns and stares into space.
Solution: He is merely intercepting a phone call. Ask
him if there’s any worthy gossip in it, or remove his earpiece.
Problem: Your SMITH shouts angrily about some sort of
ring, and tries to give your NEO unit a broken sword.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with an
ELROND unit. Luckily this is similar to a SMITH unit, as they both have
ill-will towards mankind and are out to destroy the One, and an ELROND unit has
the added advantage of not trying to take over the world when tetchy.
Problem: Your dark-haired male friend informs you
that your SMITH unit went to their house last night and them their earpiece,
claiming that he had set him free.
Solution: WARNING!!! Your SMITH unit has mistaken
your friend for a NEO unit. Either purchase a NEO unit for your SMITH to focus
his hatred on, in the hope he ignores your friend, or advise your friend to
purchase a NEO unit for himself. If the worst comes to the worst, tell your
friend to wear sunglasses – hopefully your SMITH will be intimidated.
***NOTE*** Do not think your friend will be safe if
he goes into hiding. Your SMITH will either intercept calls to the local pizza
restaurant (Mk 1 SMITH) or figure out where is with his PROBLEM SOLVING
ability.
Problem: Your SMITH keeps hijacking lorries and
driving them into phone booths.
Solution: See if he’s being teased by a local TRINITY
unit.
Problem: Rabid Matrix fans are shouting at your SMITH
unit, calling him ‘evil’ and ‘git who tried to kill Neo’.
Solution: Most insults will roll off your SMITH’s
back. However, if he needs to vent some aggression, this would seem to be a
perfect opportunity to do so.
Problem: After allowing your SMITH onto your
computer, he is wandering around looking horrified and shuns his counterparts,
NEO and MORPHEUS units.
Solution: It is quite likely that he has stumbled
across a Smith slash fanfiction. Sadly there is little you can do about this,
except sit him down and have a chat.
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FINAL NOTE: As you can see from the problems, FAQs
and functions, you will see that your SMITH can be destructive. Buying one is a
serious commitment. Should your SMITH get into trouble, try to get diplomatic
immunity – see WORLD DOMINATING function. Sadly sometimes this is the only
option.
SUPPORT THE RSPAS!!!! (Royal Society for the
Protection of Abandoned Smiths)
More and more SMITH units are being abandoned in the
streets when they cause trouble. These units need a home.
Can you provide a SMITH unit with a place to live and
plan world domination from? E-mail Matrix Enterprises ([email protected]) and you
will be sent a SMITH unit, free of charge.