THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH

ENTRY 1

Was written today. My job is killing people who rebel. Goodie goodie goodie! I get to be evil!

ENTRY 2

Scratch that. I hate my life. It stinks. Literally.

The Matrix. Ick. Smelly.

ENTRY 3

Why do humans continue to rebel? It's getting irritating. We all know they only do it because they think they look good in black coats and sunglasses.

Well, we all know there's only ONE person who can pull off the sunglasses look.

ENTRY 4

Had to go sort out some chick in motorcycle leathers. Stupid policeman, saying he was 'just doing his job'. They never learn. How many policemen is it who've made insurance claims after 'some scary girl in black leather hovered in the air and kicked me'? And how many policemen still eagerly snap up the job to go apprehend some 'potentially dangerous terrorist girl'? Stupid humans.

Anyway, by the time I get there, he's already sent policemen up. He makes some crude remark involving jurisdiction and behinds. We went upstairs, and the girl ran away. We really are too obvious, may suggest disguise to the Architect. Something non-threatening... rabbits?

Oh wait. Then we'd fit into Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphor. I'd rather spend the day with that old hag they call the Oracle.

The girl, after jumping through a window (which looked very painful, hahahaha) managed to get to phone box before I could crush it. Need to get a faster truck next time.

Am somewhat contented by the satisfying CRUNCH the phone box made.

ENTRY 5

Name of next target is Neo. Well, that's an original anagram.

I hate anagrams. Therefore I will call him Mr Anderson. That has no anagram I know of. Also, I suspect it bugs him.

ENTRY 6

Mr Anderson is some loser guy in an apartment with no proper lighting. We're supposed to be worried?

ENTRY 7

Mr Anderson apparently has no brain. He would have escaped, had he not dropped his phone onto Agent Brown's head. Idiot humans.

ENTRY 8

Am pretty sure chick in motorcycle leathers saw me getting into the car with Mr Anderson. Great. There goes my street cred.

ENTRY 9

Mr Anderson proved very tetchy, especially when having a bug inserted into his tummy button.

Well, he shouldn't have given me the finger. I'm very sensitive about that sort of thing.

Very moralistic as well. About thirty years ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to betray Morpheus.

Stupid Disney. Fills all these humans with this false idea of right and wrong. The number of times I've complained to the Architect, but does he listen? No, he just says that it makes kids happy.

Huh. He's obviously never seen Bambi.

ENTRY 10

Agent Jones disagrees with me regarding said moving Disney epic about the talking fawn. When I protested, reminding him of the sorrowful death of Bambi's mother, he said "Oh yes, it was very sad when the artist stopped drawing the deer."

Agent Brown congratulated him on his quick wit.

Hmph. Am going to pout now.

ENTRY 11

Informed Agent Brown that Agent Jones' 'quick wit' comes from Friends. From Chandler, no less. Everyone calls Agent Jones 'Chansey' now. Ha ha.

True, I had to spend hours trawling the Internet for said information. But when vengeance tastes this good, who cares?

ENTRY 12

Apparently, while we were debating whether a cartoon doe's death counts as tragic, Mr Anderson was unplugged from the Matrix. No more Christmas bonus. Fab.

Am plotting yet more revenge against Agent Jones.

ENTRY 13

Cracked it. Am leaving a red sock in with all his whites.

ENTRY 14

Haha. Agent Jones had to go everywhere wearing a pink shirt. Even the people we were chasing laughed at him.

People are now calling him 'Chansey' with increased vivacity.

ENTRY 15

Agent 'Chansey' Jones is not happy. Apparently the Merovingian was entertaining his guests with tales of the 'sad agent with the pink shirt' at yesterday's lunch.

Must keep an eye out for an attempt of retribution.

ENTRY 16

Nothing yet.

ENTRY 17

Still nothing.

ENTRY 18

Nada. Zilch.

ENTRY 19

Bastard. He hid all my socks.

Had to borrow some of his pink ones.

I hope he's not attempting to be ironic.

ENTRY 20

Still no return of socks. Was forced to go to dinner with some bald man wearing some of Agent Brown's. Which are good considering they're not pink, but are otherwise slightly itchy.

Anyway, bald man who attempts to compensate not having any hair on his head with an over-the-top moustache, of course orders the biggest steak on the menu. And finishes it. I now owe him twenty bucks.

He wants to betray his crew in exchange for fame. This is a man who has obviously never seen Bambi. Not even Shrek, for crying out loud.

ENTRY 21

As a peace offering, gave Agent Chansey some new socks.

You'd have thought he'd have learnt never to trust me when I smile.

ENTRY 22

Judging by the shriek of pain emitted from Agent Chansey's room in the early hours of this morning, I'm guessing that he's discovered the fire ants in the socks.

I'm so evil I surprise myself sometimes.

ENTRY 23

Today, woke up bright and early (well, not really. Agents don't sleep. So, I turned the power off my Playstation bright and early) to go capture the crew of the Nebooka- I can't even spell it. Why couldn't they have given that ship a more pronounceable name?

Anyway, off after the crew, cut the hardline, shot some weird little guy, blah blah blah blah blah. Then heard that they were on the eighth floor. Off we go after them, Agent Chansey wincing as he trod on the ant bites. Hahaha. Finally decided to morph into Macho Cop Dude.

Don't normally like morphing. Makes me nauseous.

Heard crew was in the wall. Punched through it. I always had a weakness for dramatics. Managed to grab Mr Anderson round the neck. He wasn't too happy, understandably. But he was nothing compared to Morpheus. He jumped through the wall on top of me. Then lots more dramatics, about self-sacrifice and everything. Puh-lease. Call that dramatics? Eastenders could do better.

So anyway, just when my legs are about to go completely numb, I manage to kick off Morpheus, who seems considerably weightier than last time he self- sacrificed himself to save 'The One'. Took more than a little effort.

Managed to beat him in about twenty seconds.

Ought to work out more. I'm getting slow in my old age.

ENTRY 24

Had just escorted Morpheus to a car proudly when Agent Chansey asked me about the rest of the crew.

Damn.

ENTRY 25

Made up a story about it being a 'tactical maneuver'. Agent Chansey bought it, idiot that he is.

ENTRY 26

Questioning Morpheus when Agent Brown comes in and tells us the bald fat man has failed.

There goes my tactical maneuver story.

I'm going to go play 'Crash Bandicoot' for a while and vent my aggression. Turtles don't question your cover-ups.

Or hide your socks.

ENTRY 27

Found socks. Agent Chansey was cutting holes in the end of them and using them to dress pigeons.

Am continuing to request his deletion.

ENTRY 28

Still talking to Morpheus, trying to cut away at his confidence. He seems very touchy about my comparison of Homo Sapiens to a virus.

ENTRY 29

Unsuccessfully attempted to crush Morpheus' head. His skull is THICK.

Took out sodding earpiece for a moment. Agents Brown and Chansey looked shocked. Hope they don't think it's symbolic.

ENTRY 29

Great. Mr Anderson and Biker Chick are blasting up the lobby. We only just had it decorated too.

LATER

And blew up the lift.

LATER

Which inadvertently turned on the sprinklers. Only washed my hair this morning. No consideration.

LATER

Agent Brown went up to deal with Mr Anderson and Biker Chick. Didn't go too well, apparently.

Ah well. Can't affect us that much.

LATER

Blimey, that's a big helicopter.

ENTRY 30

They escaped. Boo.

Ah well, get to have a dramatic subway fight now. Even though I have to morph again. I have time to take an anti-emetic this time though.

ENTRY 31

What is wrong with humans nowadays? Do they think you can just shove someone in front of a train and run away? I don't THINK so.

LATER

Shot Mr Anderson. Haha.

Had to morph into several people to do so though. Am feeling distinctly queasy now.

LATER

Apparently Mr Anderson doesn't like being shot.

But still, did he really have to go all symbolic on me?

And the whole lumps-under-skin thing has been done. Hasn't he ever seen 'The Mummy'?

Bet he hasn't seen Bambi either. Common little oik.

PROGRAM NUMBER 1010011010

DO NOT READ

AGENT JOHNSON, I'M TALKING TO YOU

WEIRDO

ENTRY 32

Great. I've been compelled to stay, compelled to disobey, compelled to make a rhyme every other sentence. Stupid common-little-non-Bambi-watching oik.

Look on the light side though, Agent Chansey and co have been deleted! All that pink must have clashed with the green.

ENTRY 33

Hey. Being a rebel is actually pretty fun. Gets much more attention from the ladies anyway - saw Persephone checking me out the other day.

ENTRY 34

Damn. She prefers Neo. Must take him out of the running.

ENTRY 35

I went to the door to deliver my little ear-thing to Neo, only to discover there was a whole line of door-to-door salesmen. I must admit I got a little tetchy with them.

ENTRY 36

Headlines in newspapers today - '"I WAS ATTACKED BY CLONES!" CLAIM SALESMEN'.

Well, all publicity is good publicity.

ENTRY 37

Saw these two men running away from the Oracle's apartment. Was in a bit of a bad mood - the novel of my life had been rejected from the publishers - so I decided to possess one of them.

Quite fun actually.

ENTRY 38

Received an e-mail from that guy I possessed. Apparently he got back to Zion safely, but complains of a smell down there.

ENTRY 39

Possessed-guy tried to attack Mr Anderson with a knife. At first I rebuked him, telling him we're more subtle than that. He pointed out the fight at the subway. I took it back, and told him to try and get hold of a bazooka.

ENTRY 39

Was on my way to the off-licence when I saw Mr Anderson talking to the Hag of the Black Lagoon, aka the Oracle. I don't know why she gets to me so much.

Anyway, I was able to unleash my army of trained birds, and be all dramatic. Think I may have gone over the top on my reason for staying thing. I was starting to sound like Harry Potter.

I wonder if Harry Potter ever saw Bambi?

Anyway, Mr Anderson took my attempt to turn him into me worse than I expected, especially when two of my duplicates took his pole. He was not a happy bunny. Actually, I don't think he's ever a bunny, happy or otherwise. Except when he's being used in Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphors, I guess.

I tried producing lots of me, but he just flew away, the pansy. Then all my duplicates demanded food. Goodbye bank account.

ENTRY 40

Another e-mail from possessed guy.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Meeting

There was some big meeting at Zion today. They're sending two captains to find the Nebuchadnezzar. I tried to persuade my 'captain' to let us go, but he told me to shut up. I don't think he likes me. Can I get out the bazooka now? Still smelly. No-one else seems to be noticing.

ENTRY 41

I e-mailed back my little representative in Zion, telling him no, not yet. Hope he's not getting bored. Can't be much to do down there.

ENTRY 42

Still replicating myself. It's great fun, but all my duplicates demand dental plans.

ENTRY 43

Haven't had an e-mail from my Zion duplicate for a while. Hope he isn't up to anything.

While online I went to a name rearranging site. Typed in 'Mr Anderson' just to check. It spells 'mends or ran', amongst other things. 'Mends or ran'? That isn't significant, right? RIGHT?

ENTRY 44

Also spells 'arms donner'. He does carry a lot of guns, I suppose.

ENTRY 45

Have also discovered 'Thomas Anderson' means 'the doubting son of Man'. That sounds just too significant for my peace of mind. Must think of a new nickname for him to avoid significance. Must also get a hobby, as long time spent searching various anagram sites has alerted me to my amount of free time.

ENTRY 46

Got kicked out of the kick-boxing club for turning my opponents into myself when they beat me. Hmph.

ENTRY 47

A small group of duplicates are rebelling. They say they want handkerchiefs to have poking out of their chest pockets. I pointed out just how much all those handkerchiefs would cost. If they got handkerchiefs they could kiss that table football game goodbye.

ENTRY 48

Negotiations are continuing. Meanwhile, the duplicates are refusing to take their turns on the cleaning rota. Running out of socks.

ENTRY 49

Negotiations over. They've settled for Kleenex.

ENTRY 51

I'VE THOUGHT OF A NICKNAME! Dressy man! Puerile, but hey.

ENTRY 52

Wait, does that have an anagram?

ENTRY 53

'Randy mess'. That doesn't describe him as far as I know.

ENTRY 54

Scratch that. Just read the section of his file regarding to high school. Back to square one.

ENTRY 55

He-with-no-nickname-as-of-yet and the others went to see the Merovingian today. Then there was this big freeway chase. I guessed that this would happen, since all the phones within two miles of the Merovingian's restaurant had been disabled by my duplicates (I was bored). I stole a helicopter and watched it all. Relatively exciting, I suppose. Was saddened that Morpheus didn't even get vaguely singed in the massive explosion that was made by the lorries.

Very glad that I've gone independent. Agents' line of work is getting more and more risky.

ENTRY 56

Went to head off That Guy, Morpheus and their new pet from the Source. Meant I got to be all creepy and show off all my duplicates. Haha. Nearly succeeded in turning Morpheus into me, but That Guy seemed remarkably tetchy about that.

In hindsight, it seemed the right thing to do. What if my clone had retained Morpheus' cellulite?

Anyway, as That Guy flew towards the door, I recognized their new pet. He once locked the bathroom door behind me, forcing me walk along the hall in a towel to beg a pair of trousers off Agent Chansey. Never forgave him for that.

But I did shoot him, so the grudge is eased slightly. Only slightly, though.

ENTRY 57

Another e-mail from [email protected]. He says that he managed to destroy five ships and cause a massacre of humans.

I told him well done. He's a boy after my own heart. -------------------

THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH

PROGRAM NUMBER 1010011010

WHICH IS BINARY FOR 666, SINCE NO-ONE HAS COMMENTED ON IT

I PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THESE THINGS, DADGUMMIT!

ENTRY 51

Haha. The Guy With No Name is stuck in the train station. Not only that, but stuck with that annoying little girl, Sati. I remember having to play Barbies with her every single Matrix Christmas party. That's another advantage of being an exile I hadn't thought of.

Besides, her name makes me hungry every time I hear it. I mean, did those programs have to call her something so similar to saté? Which is, oh, I don't know, my favourite food?

OK, I've got to go order some saté now. Damn craving inducing kid.

ENTRY 52

Thank God, craving inducing kid's gone. All my counterparts and I cheered when the Trainman hit The Guy With No Name. He's had it coming for a long time. Not that I'm normally fond of the Trainman. His teeth offend me. I mean, come on man, you serve the Merovingian. Surely you should get a dental plan?

Anyway, had great fun today. Should have locked The Guy With No Name into the station a long time ago. I started playing a really faint humming sound on the platform, and I could tell that it was seriously bugging The Guy With No Name.

Hahahahaha.

ENTRY 53

I still need a nickname for The Guy With No Name! His name shall be...

Umm... er...

IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT.

ENTRY 54

Have finally thought of a nickname! The Guy With No Name is hereafter known as Gad. Yes, Gad. An acronym for 'Gimme a dollar', the expression he so often seems to have.

And as a major bonus, it doesn't have any symbolic roots that I'm aware of... Yes!

ENTRY 55

Wait a minute, people says 'Egads' when they see a monster or something in old films...

ARGH! Stop fussing! Gad will do!

ENTRY 56

Damn Biker Chick! That damn PVC-cladded girl got Gad out of there! Just when I was about to start wafting pizza smell down the tunnel!

ENTRY 57

I checked my watch and realized that it's only about a few hours until the sentinels reach Zion.

Crikey, I'd better get moving if I want to take over the Matrix before then.

The other Smiths weren't too happy when I told them that their 'Grand Theft Auto' tournament would have to wait.

ENTRY 58

Another e-mail from zionjudassmith.net. Apparently he's recovering from the sentinel attack, but now the people on the ship are suspicious.

Well, he has tried to attack Gad with a knife, set off an EMP and sabotaged the attempt of defence by Zion by destroying every ship they have. About time they noticed, I suppose. ENTRY 59

Having great success turning people into me. Seem to be running out of people to change though. Hm. May be getting addicted to this.

ENTRY 60

Some kids in the street just came up to me and said, "Hahaha! You have but one choice, the Ring must be destroyed!"

What? Why? Why?

ENTRY 61

Some police turned up and told me off for turning those kids into me. So I had to turn THEM into me as well. And their back-up. And their back-up's back-up.

It's a vicious circle.

ENTRY 62

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net:

'I managed to confuse them into stopping questioning me. I think Biker Chick is still suspicious though.'

My return e-mail:

'Were you too confusing? Idiot! You're supposed to be undercover! Think like a human! Humans can't come up with confusing talks like that! Watch a couple of episodes of Big Brother ­ THAT is the level of intellect you are aiming for!'

ENTRY 63

Har har! Finally! The craving-inducing kid is me!

...I just read that.

But yes, finally, I managed to replicate myself into the craving-inducing little girl and that weird guy who once beat me in a Pokemon-character- lookalike contest. I just dyed my hair purple to look like James ­ he actually bought a stuffed talking Pikachu to go with his costume. I couldn't compete with that.

And then I went and dropped in to see my 'mum'. Of course, it's mum in the metaphorical sense, because otherwise the Architect would be my dad... argh... I think I'd be more horrified than Luke Skywalker in that situation.

Where was I? Oh yes. I smashed her cookies, talked to her in a patronising way, showed no respect whatsoever and then finally turned her into me.

.... Thinking about it, I completely acted as though I WAS her son.

Oh boy.

ENTRY 64

The Smith-Counterpart from the Oracle STILL hasn't stopped cackling.

ENTRY 65

Why won't he stop cackling?? He's told us that he's foreseen that he wins against Gad, but won't explain the details!

AND he says that we don't get to fight Gad! We only watch!

Who does he think he is? Our mother?

Wait a minute...

ENTRY 66

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net.

'Smithyyyy... just killed a girl... She was trying to see my head, Grabbed a scalpel, now she's dead... Smithyyyy... Plan had just begun.... And now I've gone and had to stooow awaaay...'

Has he been listening to Bohemian Rhapsody? Does Gad have a stereo?

ENTRY 67

Oracle-Counterpart has stopped cackling long enough to take charge.

Oh yes. I'm no longer Head Smith. I'm Smith #0000000002.

Huh.

ENTRY 68

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net. Thank god, he wasn't singing in this one.

'Am stowed away on Gad and Biker Chick's ship. They're splitting up, apparently. Have they never seen a horror movie?? I mean, geez!'

I think that he has been spending too much time amongst humans.

'Counting on their limited knowledge of horror movies, I am planning on shutting off the lights, and am expecting only one of them to come and check it out. Maybe they'll even say "I'll be right back," before they do so.'

Either that or he has way too much free time. First Bohemian Rhapsody, now deep knowledge of horror films? Do the Zion hovercrafts have massive entertainment centres? Am I missing something?

ENTRY 69

Oh boy. NOW Oracle-Counterpart wants us to go on a team-building exercise to replicate ourselves into those weird villagers who live halfway up the Himalayas.

We pretended that we couldn't hear him. And when a crowd of millions are all ignoring you, it can be pretty disheartening.

Not for Oracle-Counterpart. He gave us all maps and sent us off with a cheery wave.

We walked around the corner and just went to the arcade.

ENTRY 70

The dancing game is fun! I rock at it!

ENTRY 71

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net.

'Haha, Smithy-boy!! I kicked your counterpart's ass! I kicked it good! Even though I was BLIND!! Ya hear me? I'm so powerful now that I'm BLIND! Are YOU blind? Well, you have those stupid sunglasses, so close enough... Anyway, I'm kicking to kick YOUR ass too now! Beware, little Smithy! Bwahahahaha!'

I'm beginning to suspect that my counterpart's plan didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

ENTRY 72

Uh-oh. Oracle-Counterpart came and found us all in the arcade. Well, it was hardly difficult, we were all crowded into the one room and the rest of us were on the street outside watching.

Anyway, he's now making us stand out in the street to wait for Gad.

In the rain.

I suggested mutiny. The idea is currently being passed along the line.

We could be here for a long time.

ENTRY 73

Still raining. Still wet.

Everyone is taking off their sunglasses and wiping them every five seconds.

Why couldn't I be one of the ones who got to go in the buildings? I'm Smith #0000000002! Isn't that worth anything?

I knew taping 'HI I'M MR ANDERSON!' on his back would have repercussions...

ENTRY 74

One Smith started singing 'It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring.'

We all shouted at him to shut up, but it was too late. It is now stuck firmly in all of our heads.

ENTRY 75

It's rather a morbid nursery rhyme, if you think about it. It's about a man hitting his head so that he can't get up in the morning.

What does that mean? Is the old man dead? Paralyzed? Or drunk? That would explain why he hit his head in the first place.

But what does that have to do with rain? Why do people sing it when it rains? It's not about rain, it's about drunken old men! What sort of song is that to teach children??

ENTRY 76

"We're going to need an Ark soon!" said one Smith in an attempt at humour, "Two of each creature, right?"

We all looked at each other and made no comment.

ENTRY 77

Finally! Gad is here! Thank goodness, my socks are getting drenched.

It was very annoying to see Oracle-Counterpart usurping my role. Calling him Gad and having lots of good lines.

And Gad didn't even notice that it wasn't me!! I was very hurt.

And now they're fighting. Soon be over.

ENTRY 78

And still fighting.

ENTRY 79

Still at it. We're watching the fight on the JumboVision screen since they went into a building.

Oh, so Oracle-Counterpart doesn't have to get wet. Never mind us.

ENTRY 80

Can't they get a move on? I mean, I know that it's a very sentimental time for all of us, being our last fight and all, but come on. Will and Grace is on later.

ENTRY 81

Now they're fighting in the sky. Lots of lovely effective lightning. Green lightning, sadly, but still lightning. Very dramatic.

One Smith has started selling popcorn. He'll be a billionaire by the end of the evening.

Ooh, Oracle-Counterpart has started shoving Gad down towards the pavement. Boy, that's going to hurt-

ENTRY 82

My, that was the biggest KER-SPLATT I ever saw.

ENTRY 83

HOW CAN GAD STILL BE ALIVE??????? HE'S HUMAN!!!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SQUISHED!!!!

Has the pavement been replaced with the special squidgy pavement from their jump program or something??

ENTRY 84

Oracle-Counterpart got really aggravated with Gad. Tut tut. I always managed to keep an aura of aloofness and calm.

But then again, Gad was pretty much ignoring all that he was saying. Still, he's entitled to his own opinion.

ENTRY 85

Boy, that punch must have hurt! The Matrix even went into slow motion so that we could all see it properly!

That happens a lot actually, when we're fighting... the Matrix slows down and goes all spinny... I really should have mentioned it to the Architect, could be a design fault...

ENTRY 86

Oracle-Counterpart has gone rocketing into the wall of the crater.

Must... not... cheer... must maintain aura of aloofness... oh bugger, he's back.

ENTRY 87

OH. Apparently this is HIS world. Not OUR world. HIS world. OH. That put US in our place, didn't it?

And excuse me, but waiting for the lightning to flash before shouting that? The Drama Queen Award goes to...

ENTRY 88

Oracle-Counterpart is now getting all confident because he's foreseen this part of the fight, and knows what happens next.

Has he never seen 'Back to the Future'? You must never know too much about your own future!! Otherwise you end up having to go back in time in a flying Dolorean and accidentally have your mum fall in love with you...

ACK! That would mean the Oracle! ACK! ACK!

ENTRY 89

BRAIN BLEACH! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!

Oh wait, Gad's getting up. He looks ­ defeated? Is Gad giving up? This is bizarre-

GAD IS LETTING ORACLE-COUNTERPART TURN HIM INTO HIM?!?!?

Whoa!! I obviously don't give him enough credit!

Wait a minute. I don't like the look on the face of Gad-Counterpart. He might start cackling any moment.

ENTRY 90

He didn't cackle. He blew up.

Good riddance I say.

Wait a minute-

ENTRY 91

Well. I got blown up.

Bugger.

-

THE END.