T'is the Season of Fuck Offs 

28/12/19

Well, it’s been a while since I wrote, apologies. In the mean time I’ve been to uni, got a degree, slept with countless men (whom none of them I loved really), wrote a short story, joined a band, learnt Arabic, wrote poetry, travelled to Lebanon, Egypt, France, Vietnam, Kuwait, met the best people I have ever met in my entire life, laughed, cried, got high, drunk, depressed, joyful, learnt to play the bones, swam in cold waters, been very alone, been to weddings, funerals, hurt people, made people laugh, danced, slept, ate, walked around museums, volunteered, got naked, written essays, interviewed, worked, overslept, forgotten memories, made memories, sat in cafes, wondered aimlessly, hiked up Snowdon, been sick, cooked meals for friends and eventually fallen in love for the third time in my life, orgasmed, failed, been granted a scholarship, showered, ridden trains, taken drugs, talked deeply about meaningless things, chatted briefly about serious things, seen friends have their hearts broken, seen friends win and their dreams come true, played a harmonica, read my own lyrics on stage, felt euphoric listening to life changing music, felt stagnant, ridden thousands of miles on my rusty bike, caught up with old friends, hurt myself, given too many things away, wrote songs, achieved top scores, lost arguments, ignored arguments, written, a lot, ate meals with family, smoked way too many cigarettes, protested, quit smoking, swam in rivers and oceans, hired care, performed ion a circus, spoken in another language, shaken hands with young travellers, learn African drums, performed in a Gamelan ensemble, written, taken photos, driven a boat, been given a boat, made enough cups of teas to start my own café, joked at the wrong time, read books that have made me want to cry, been complimented, been shouted at, been misunderstood, walked, ran, belly laughed, meditated, dreamed, hoped, prayed, taught maths and English, gave advice, asked for advice, been hugged by my mother, been there for her too, hated life, lusted for everything life is and been grateful for it, The only thing I haven’t done, in all this time or ever, is tell someone to fuck off. Right now, I sit in my bedroom of my parent’s house looking at a photograph of Frank Zappa. He’s standing on a stage, with his electric guitar, with his right hand in the air. He has his middle finger up, pointing to the right of him. Some people, quite rightly, don’t like Frank Zappa, or at least find his music uncomfortable. Maybe because they realise that their own thoughts are stupid and repetitive (mine are), like his lyrics. I want to be like Frank, I’ve had enough of being liked by everyone, agreeing to everything, doing what others think is best for me (them) and smiling all the fucking time. “you’re beautiful, such a lovely nice person, so kind” they would say. I don’t want to be unkind, or horrible, I just have had enough of trying to please everyone – with the way I look, the things I say, the stuff I believe in. Besides, I’ve seen far too many women do exactly this – please everyone – and eventually it doesn’t turn out well. They finally realise that they’ve listened to those around them, more than themselves and they begin to hate them, the world, become lonely, miserable, and forgotten as a used-to-be-nice person turned cold. A cold cup of tea. A cold-cup of woman.

I think I have tried to please everyone throughout my life because, deep down, I thought that if no-one liked me, I would be nothing; unloved, unpopular, and lonely. I suppose maybe then, from the very start, I had never really loved myself, and been ok for being exactly who I was – ugly, pretty, kind or nasty. But realising this I feel better, less needing to live up to other people’s expectation and ready to really listen to what my dreams are, and take them seriously, not as a tiny fantasy voice in my head. And I don’t care if I fail, I know this will happen anyway. And I don’t care if people don’t like me, in fact I am quite looking forward to it, it will be a novelty. I am excited to use this new direction, this new barrier-tool, this new hand sign, these new words. “Fuck off”. I’m not sure what my dream is exactly yet but its growing. I feel it and I know this new-found self-confidence will allow me to grow with their forming.

So, sorry for being away for quite so long; I have written two other diaries in the meantime but it seems appropriate to return again to this one, to show you how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.

Ps. I’ve also realised nearly all sex I’ve had in my life has not been fully consented on my side. The realisation made me feel sick and no longer will I fake an orgasm or let drunken men do as the please with my body. My body is me. Fuck. Off.