Sun Ride

 10/02/16

I am sitting in the new forest on my own after a bike ride. It’s strange to read back on things you have wrote. I think I was seeking still for something when I last wrote, looking for ‘who I am’ or the answer to not feeling lost. I’ve found that it’s always there! The peace and calmness everyone has. That doesn’t make you feel lost it’s lush! Since September I’ve been away to South Africa. Now THAT was a strange experience. I think I was simply too worried, (‘diagnosed’ with anxiety) and again, I was looking for something that’s always there. (Read black book for South Africa). I still don’t know what to do with myself (jobless and turning lazy I think) but I am much more at peace with myself and I think I’ve worked out what I valued in life. Time with people, feeling useful to others, eating and feeling well and thriving. Time spent alone at home has made me realise how many lush moments have always been with people. I love people and always want to share experiences. It’s also made me realise how good it is to be outside, it’s natural! I am much more comfortable being alone with me than I was a few months ago, I used to panic about who I was but now I feel as if I simply am. I miss being a part of society, even working at the co-op for example helped me feel worthy so I have signed up to volunteering things such as the Fairtrade group. I think I am slowly starting to see the oneness in all. Like in the Siddhartha book, the flow of the river is all one simultaneously – That makes me feel much less lost. I feel quite content (the majority of time) these days just being., sleeping, eating good food, walking, cleaning. I think I hope this is a good thing and I’m not just being lazy. Dad says ‘I need a reality check’ but maybe he does? I like working (working in the pub this weekend) but sometimes maybe it is a distraction from the real things and people use it as this. There’s been lots of death the start of this year and lots of health concerns e.g. Roger, Tracy, David Bowie died, Romy killed herself. So I am simply grateful to be alive and well these days and I am trying to learn to take every moment from each experience, no matter how dull it is. I do struggle and feel like I am a waste if I am not doing something useful/working but maybe that is just the way western people are conditioned.

I love this crazy (or not so) world we are on and I hope to have much more fun with it. I think I was right, everyone is lost – but how lush is that! I just wish people talked about it more but hey ho, I’ve got you to write to. Also it may become quite trying if everyone became Plato! You want to talk about the weather sometimes!

Talking about the weather, the sun’s out and the off-road bike trail is calling. I’ve missed the sun.

Ps. Eddie the cat has joined the family.

PEACE x