Start of Something

26/03/15

I am forever starting accounts of emotions with comparing them to the past – explaining how much they’ve changed and what feels to be so dramatic. But I’ve never experiences a feeling quite like what I am wondering with now. This isn’t a change in feeling, I’ve found a new feeling. Although I believe really, it has always been there ever since my insignificant arrival into this world, only now experiences, people, consequences, and a matter of realisation have made recognise this emotion that seems so obviously there now. I don’t believe it is a matter of growing up or even learning as I feel more and more that very few people have experienced this notion or admitted to it, it makes me feel lonely. I’m trying to test to whether this is true, that people around me are not fulfilled with what I have dug up with in me, by suggesting how the feeling feels, what it makes you value and the most ungraspable thing, that we are part of something much larger; this isn’t all. I don’t know if it’s the environment I’m testing in (my 18 year old peers at college) or like previously mentioned, people don’t want to or can’t be fussed to find this feeling but it does seem that many are so blind to what seems so visible. It’s changing me, it’s taking over me, making me do things I would never have thought was me when I was young. And it’s scary, I feel alone and helpless like sitting with in a cave with only a candle., This candle does seem brighter than another thing ever felt, it seems like a friend, something you should trust, believe in and continuously focus on. It’s not sad in the cave, not a cave to fear although the candle suggests this. I hope that this isn’t my hopeful thinking that I shouldn’t be afraid but it does genuinely feel like an exciting journey something that all faith should be given. I guess I am only fearful of loosing my old self to which everyone recognises. I will tell when the old me has left from other people. I only hope others will understand this change and be equally as influenced for this undefinable emotion to take them away. I don’t feel ready for this and I wasn’t expecting this but I think I need it. Before this realisation, I recognised I was change into something that wasn’t me, something more different from this new transcendence. I was drowning in the blind sea, enjoying the distractions from this greater focus, candle, and having no shame. It feels suddenly someone has zoomed outwards and highlighted these distractions like when looking at ants so indulged in the cutting and carrying of leaves that the overwhelming human body that stands above them is completely unrecognised. And like the ant, if only he stopped carrying the leave of distraction and saw this towering human, he would never ignore this body again. this is how I feel about this new emotion, or spirituality if you like – It will now always be with me, there is no going backwards. Unlike the ant however, this emotion isn’t visible like the human. As humans we can look up to the starts and really realise how small we are but instead we need to feel it. I believe in order to do this our mind, soul, heart needs to look up, aim upwards. This isn’t for selfish reasons, well actually to begin with maybe it needs to be, but when the self is lost, it can’t be selfish – there is no self. Therefore you become like a portable radio playing divineabove.fm. Many people, and sometimes myself, get notions when I think – what a load of rubbish, we need to move on. However millions, since human existence have been transfixed with this through religion, superstition, and mysticism. I think you can see it fluctuating through history (like the burst of it in the 60’s) but it feels now we are rapidly and uncomfortably loosing, dismissing and putting more blindfolds over our eyes to whatever makes us connected under this overwhelming power. For this reason I have decided to go on a journey, not a forced journey but a ‘wonder’ almost through the park to loose myself, I’ve had enough of creating and displaying whoever I think I am. From this I hope only goodness will flow through me and take over, not evil and sinful temptings away from being a good person. I want to be everyone and everything VERSTEHEN TO THE EXTREME. When I wonder why or how I have arrived to this conclusion it feels many circumstances, people and beckonings have been leading me to this starting line. Although maybe only subjective application to this ‘metanarrative’, joining kundalini yoga, meeting Louis, impulsive choice and change to study religion and continue this despite wanting to teach English (I dropped English over R.S) and my recent involvement with drugs (for no known reason) all feels like pushes towards this ‘something more feeling’. And more recent events have further confirmed this to me – speaking to Ms Etherden about finding a ‘beacon of light’, walking into that spiritual bookshop in London and most of all huge feelings of emptiness as if whoever is inside me was drawn away from the top of my head. Maybe simply a feeling of guilt and a desire for ‘self-salvation’, who knows. Whatever though I want to have full faith in what this is and I hope it ‘de-selfs’ me for the better off…

 

I’ve just had a chat with Ryan at work and he suggested maybe that it isn’t a matter of ‘de-selfing’ but instead realising the ‘front’ you wear as an individual, the mask that you put on to project yourself to others. He was talking about how he realises this when he speaks or observes younger people who simply follow along with others creating this fake self – So maybe I was right about feeling like I am ‘loosing myself’ in the sense that I have realised that my portral self, my ‘fake self’ is disappearing. I want to be as open and as honest as I can with others (with I am sure takes time to practice like a skill) not so much that I feel venerable and naked but so I can truly show people who I really am, not this image of me. I guess the hardest part is working out the difference between the me who I portray who isn’t me and the real me. Maybe this just is a case of needing to have more ‘life experience’ in order to work out what I really don’t and do like or maybe a matter of not thinking about it so much so it comes naturally. I guess at the moment I have only began to explore this ‘loosing of the self’ which ever self this is, so a little more time is needed either way. Like I mentioned before, I still don’t believe that this is a ‘spiritual phase’ or whatever others may describe it as, I believe that I have understood or want to understand that the whole of me is only a social construction – a load of bullshit I guess! Just like much of the world we live in today is, we’ve created money, politics, drugs, all the things that only complicate and confuse – they take away what’s really there most important and real. Maybe this is the same with the self – take away the fake front (that I see so many wearing the more I question my own) and you have a person so real, genuine and honest and open. Like a living soul. At the moment I feel rather selfish with this soulful journey but I hope that by learning more about myself, I can learn more about others – recognise who the real them are and what isn’t and then try to gauge and beckon out the real them. I’m sure this can’t be forced out from people as otherwise it may appear threatening and rude however I want to people to realise like me that there is some rubbish in the world that needs to be stripped back to reveal a humanity which can focus on being better truly, not through money and politics but through the mind and soul. It’s funny, I believe I was so close to being trapped in this ‘front’ which I wasn’t for my youth and feeling comfortable with this because I did have times where I’ve felt so confident with who I am. Maybe I would have been happier with this as maybe I would have ‘fitted in’ more, however I believe still I would have come to this conclusion but I would only be five or so years older. I hope I can still feel a part of my peers and feel young living in this front that I thought I was yet, I really want to develop this journey and learn something from it. Ryan said “it’s how you apply it” – although it probably comes after learning that there’s another onion layer to yourself I believe that that’s important to note. Openness can be scary, maybe that’s what I experienced that day laying down in bed with Louis when I broke down crying, so therefore I reckon that you have to just encourage others to open to you by being open with them. I’m sure also that not everyone will be open, or want to be. Instead, they’ll be defensive and want to preserve the ‘front that they projected – we’ll see.

Ps. I am surprised how many notice and recognise this journey of the self.