I used to think they were beautiful, when I first started to cut I loved how the swelled and throbbed � sounds bizarre doesn�t it.
I was always careful to keep them hidden because I was terrified people would think there was something wrong with me. I managed to be very successful at keeping my scars hidden I went on a few holidays, one of which was to Spain, even when ended up in hospital (the parecetomal incident) no one noticed the very faint scar marks on my arms.
That was in the early days when I cut cleanly, quickly and allowed my scars to heal. They healed quickly and the scars faded over time. When distressed I would go somewhere alone and look at my scars, immediately I would feel calm.
As time went on I began to cut a bigger and bigger area on my arm, I also began to cut deeper, and I started to pick at my scars, pulling of scabs so they would bleed again.
When I was cutting at my worst would fill my entire left arm with cuts, in all directions crossing over each over as deep as I could stand the pain (I am a bit of a softie though). Usually this would mean the cuts would open as I cut to reveal a white layer underneath. I only did a few that looked like they needed stitches � I never went to the doctors or hospital or attempted to dress the wounds properly. What I hated most about cutting was the itching, the infuriating constant itching of my arm when it was trying to heal, so I picked at the scabs as I would rather it hurt than itch. As a result of this I have thick raised keloid scars that might never heal completely, there are about five really bad ones at the top of my left arm. A part of me is glad they will be around for a long time � but most of me wishes they were gone so I could go swimming and walk around sometimes with no sleeves and not have to hide all the time.
I always cut my left arm (I once cut the top of my right leg in the early days.) But realised the impracticalities of this when I realised my school skirt just about covered it up � I spent a few weeks wearing shorts under my skirt and decided to stick to my arm.
My left arm is "my bad arm" from the elbow down my arm has lots of scars (I'd say about 50), varying lengths and thickness. Some so feint, that I would have to really point them out if I was showing them to someone, others more prominent, the thicker ones are slightly raised. There are new scars too, 11 from Sept 2000, they are more prominent than the others are. And six from 6th April, they still pink, I have picked of most of the scabs. From the elbow up there about 16 cuts, 5 are the deepest scars I have they are the thickest and most raised. They used to be very red but are now a similar colour to my skin. The longest one is approx. 20cm, and there is also one approx. 18cm. They seem to have improved a lot over the past year. And I was happy about this, the idea of more scars was my major reason for not cutting. But then I cut on the 8th, and everytime I look at my arms I want more cuts and scars.
I wish I had a digital camera, so I could photograph my scars and put them on here, then maybe I might be able to let them go.
� 2001 [email protected]