I don't know how my sisters cope now, they all seem fine, but I wouldn't know anyway because they all think I am fine and that's not true. They don't know about my self-injury. I never really have talked to them about how I feel I just say I'm ok.
I am 21 and my 3 sister are 29, 31, 33, they are very close in age and I was always the little kid. I didn't feel comfortable, around them when they all got together, because they were close. Mainly because they were going through their teenage years and I was a child, so not involved as much. I always felt excluded though I know they never tried to make me feel like that, I was just a different generation. Plus, I don't ever remember living with the eldest 1, she left home at 15, they all left home young, so I felt like I was alone. The youngest one after me, is the one I remember most, she used to protect me, and take me everywhere with her. But she put herself into care at 14. I was 6, so I have kind of been like an only child too.
I have recently mentioned my depression to that sister, but I underplay it so much it sounds like nothing, I want to tell her about my cutting, but then she can't help so why upset her, plus I can't actually get the words out when I try. I worry she will be hurt because I have never told her anything about how I feel. And I am worried that if I find out that in fact they all are fine, then that's just proving that there must be something wrong with me.
They are all lovely people and I love them so much, and we all get on, and dislike my mum. But I isolate myself from them, I don't have a lot of contact and I never talk about my problems. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself, they can't hurt me and can stay on the pedestal I have them on. Maybe if I let them in, there'll not like me, not help me, and then I will have no one and nothing left and I will know that I am a bad person. There will be no doubt. I so wish I could let them in but I am too afraid.
