New Jokes for impatient people who have nothing better to do than
stumble around the internet finding pages by accident.

I now give you a stick, I have to read a few thousand more pages, leave me alone.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"I have survived." -says the sarcasm within me

College- Got to HATE it.

And  for the monitor of this computer lab I will add that
this is in keeping with the rest of the site.

1. Type every word of your essay in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire assignment on Post-it notes; hand it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
5. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
6. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
7. If assigned a 2000-word essay, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
8. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
9. Hand in the essay by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
10. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
11. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
12. Hand in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
13. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
14. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
15. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
16. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
17. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
18. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
19. Write your psychology essay on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
20. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
21. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
22. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
23. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
24. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
25. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
26. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
27. Make your assignment one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
28. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving your essay and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
29. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
30. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
31. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
32. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
33. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
34. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
35. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "AAHHH! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes. Then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After it has been turned on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
13. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
14. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
15. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
16. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
17. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
18. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
19. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
20. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
21. Bring some dry ice. Make it look like your computer is smoking.
22. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
23. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
24. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
25. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
26. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
27. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
28. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
29. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad

We're having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us
all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are
okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of
us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was
neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet
wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John
is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't
his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's
probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't
care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the
tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is
teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the
lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid
he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the
flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause
him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

DIVINE TECH SUPPORT

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you
would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save
them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"Well, my son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
them to some people before I lost them though. "

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the
words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and
recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two
to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I
have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have
sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do
you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to
those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them
each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more
about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did
Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't
you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you
want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to
call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers
Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not
uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How
does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of
his rant, he said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The kid said, "Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the
Marines, I'd never stand in another line."

 

If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently-talented fool.

I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't question authority. It hasn't got a clue!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.


 

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't
had a problem since."

"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower
with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
 

DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?

~ Favorite Food
        Dogs: kibbles
        Computers: bits

~ After destruction of personal property
        D: dog not found
        C: file not found

~ Favorite trick
        D: roll over
        C: play dead

~ Comic-page hero
        D: Dogbert
        C: Dilbert

~ Widely-ignored government mandate
        D: leash law
        C: Communications Decency Act

~ Waste disposal tool
        D: pooper-scooper
        C: uninstaller

~ Method of marking territory
        D: lifting leg
        C: "Designed for Windows XP"

~ Unique behavior
        D: lick and drag
        C: click and drag

~ Estimated lifespan
        D: 12 years
        C: 12 months
 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. Do I look like a people person?
2. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
3. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
4. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
5. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
6. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
7. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
8. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
9. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
10. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
11. Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
12. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
13. Chaos, panic, & disorder...my work here is done.
14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
15. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
16. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.
17. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
18. Leave me alone. I'm having a crisis.
19. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
20. Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday
be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the
greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
 

A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by
flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very
large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a
wall and is intrigued with a sign, which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers
that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the
price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his
way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more
phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold,
he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25
cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities
all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and
have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but,
in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a
call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain.
You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

PRACTICE EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster
can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you
and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the
plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying,
"I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving
rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of
the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the
tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that
consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in
doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before
a major earthquake strikes.

~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table,
or your boss.

~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of
the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly
you've wasted your life.

A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and....

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for
back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. "

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He
looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner."

Woman: "Bet you the lying son of a gun told you I was speeding too."
 

An old bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and
says:

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.com did take unto
himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot.com was a comely woman, broad
of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot.com. And she
said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town,
with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, "How, dear Dot?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to
send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to
Dot.com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for
short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the
land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought
Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel--or, as it came to be known,
eBay--he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot.com.