Hey people, I have a new online journal
GO HERE

So yeah, go there now. I might update this one occasionally, so check it once in a while, for the few people who actually come here :P Oh and Blake, feel better...<3


I enlightened you... 4rd/19th/2004, 2:27am.








April 4th, 2004

Oh my, this weekend was wonderful. I turned 18 on saturday, I am a big girl now :P haha not really but yeah...I celebrated on friday with all the darkchildren downtown, it was very nice. Lot's of booze and flowers...We all got kicked out of tim hortons for smelling like booze, my fault I think, I was too drunk to realize that I was carrying it around out in the open, well, what can ya do. I doubeled around with Jesse on some bike singing at the top of our lungs. It rocked. Especially when we sang lemon tree and louise. Actually, those were the only two songs I think we sang :P But whatever, it was rad. Blake gave me a birthday flower :) well actually I jsut took it from him, but oh well ;) Ask me for the pictures of friday, cause their awesome. Fuck why is it that everytime I go to update, I forget everything I wanted to say!? Must be all the booze n drugs wiping away my memory *cries* oh well. More later on.


I enlightened you... 4rd/4th/2004, 8:03pm.








April 1st, 2004

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Rude Boy
Your Favorite Band/Song	Evanescence - My Immortal
You Like To Read:	Non-fiction novels
You Firmly Believe In:	Sex at first sight
Everyone Thinks You Are:	You don't have any friends
You Were Conceived:	In a record shop
You Will Marry:	The Antichrist
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

and and

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Prep
Your Favorite Band/Song	Saves The Day - All-Star Me
You Like To Read:	Everything
You Firmly Believe In:	Nudity
Everyone Thinks You Are:	A sleazy prostitute
You Were Conceived:	In the mall
You Will Marry:	Your half-sister/brother
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

I am so cool. Haha anyways, time for an update. I don't really have a lot to say when I update though =\ blah oh well. Friday tomorrow! Gonna get nice and smashed to celebrate my upcoming birthday on saturday. My dog Copper died....I'm sad cause he was really cool. Fuck I need to do laundry. I watched Boondock Saints today again, God I love the irish =) and their music. I found my old labret spike at Drew's doorstep that I lost almost a month again, what were the chances of that? I had a pretty good time at the show last friday, got nice n pissed and had a good old time. Stayed at Mr.Jorgensen's and Mr.Walsh's. Justin and I hung out most of the night, he's pretty cool =) As some of you know, I don't care for shirts. I was awakened by Corey Walsh sex...so I walked to go and get something and Laurina(who was also awakened by the sex) saw this girl with black hair and no shirt and had no idea who the hell I was...it was kinda funny :P Then we played super mario for a while and I kicked ass. I am trading my soul for a deftones patch of mattjew's that I really like, how sad...After I beat Laurina's ass in nintendo I went to Drew's and then sauntered home. Yesterday I also went to Drew's, it was a nice relaxing break from my stressful week. Today I went to Shane's for a bit after I got some walmart pictures done with April and then went home. I wish I could remember everything I did when I went places :P It would make my site a lot more interesting but my short term memory is DONE. This week a lot has been getting to me for some reason, especially people. It really sucks cause most people don't understand....Only a few. But I go now. Love.


I enlightened you... 4rd/1st/2004, 10:58pm.








March 21st, 2004

We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.


Beautiful. I didn't fall asleep until about 5 o clock, so I decided fuck school. I had some really weird ass dreams. Right now I'm listening to the decline, I haven't listened to that song in forever. "One more pill to kill the pain. One more pill to kill the pain. One more pill to kill the pain, of living through conformity. One more prayer to keep me safe. One more prayer to keep us warm. One more prayer to keep us safe, there's gonna be a better place.

Lost the battle lost the war, lost the things worth living for, lost the will to win the fight, one more pill to kill the pain.

The goin get tough the tough get debt, don't pay attention pay the rent, messed up kids pay for your sins, a little faith should keep us safe.

And so we go, on with our lives, we know the truth, but prefer lies. Lies are simple, simple is bliss. Why go against tradition when we can, admit defeat, live in decline. Be the victim of our own design. The status quo, built on suspect. Why would anyone stick out their neck? Fellow members, club we've got ours. I'd like to introduce you to our host. He's got his, and I've got mine, Meet The Decline.

Yeah I skipped a lot of parts and probably got the odd word wrong, but you get the idea.

Last night Shelby called(at a bad time I might add) but it was nice because I had a lot on my mind to think about. Basically we discussed humanity and all that and I've come to the conclusion that I've pretty much lost faith in the human race. Fuck that's so negaTive and stupid. But I have....

Gotta get off, my mom needs the computer.

I want to fuck.

Masturbation rocks.


I enlightened you... 3rd/21st/2004, 7:11pm.








March 21st, 2004

Hello hello. The last few weeks have been pretty interesting...I just read an extremely good rant written by Blake, ask me for his site addy and I'll show you it, it's very good. It made me think a lot, about the way I go about things and live my life. I really admire Blake, I kind of always have since I've known him. I wish I could be more like him :P Haha that sounds so cheesy. Anyways, lots of my mind lately. Can't really put it into words. My sister was finally told she was adopted. After almost eleven years. It's weird, I didn't think I'd care when they told her, but for some reason I was really upset. Maybe I just didn't want to care. I wrote her a letter, explaining a lot of things. We haven't had the best relationship.

I wish I could explain things better. I am tired of always being scared. I might not seem like it, but I am. I'm afraid. Afraid of what I feel. I don't even know what I feel most of the time. I've kind of decided to not write personal things on here anymore, just fun times and whatnot. I'm gonna just write all that private stuff in another journal. Funny, when I went to write the word journal, I wrote jealous. I had a lot that I wanted to say, but its gone now, and its for me only. I have such a bad mind. My thoughts are always so random and weird and selfish. How come everyones so sad lately?

Some people are so weird, haha. Fuck updating. Mushrooms rock. MAddox always lifts my mood.

I can't go anywhere or do anything without seeing some asshole wearing those baggy pants (with stripes down the sides) around his ankle, like he's hauling around a load of shit in his pants. - Maddox

I love him

And I love you....


I enlightened you... 3rd/21st/2004, 7:11pm.







March 8th, 2004

Oooh Oooh. Everyone has to read this essay that my best friend Shelby wrote =) cause its fucking brilliant, just like him. Enjoy!

Motivation is derived from many different sources � from one individual to another. There is; however, one particular driving factor that has consumed our society and most of the people there in: Money. Money is fundamentally flawed as a source of motivation. Not only does it motivate us to do tasks, but it is also our foremost indication of worth. Therefore we confuse the reward as the entire motivation, ignoring the pleasure and purpose behind the task. We become so obsessed by our desire to obtain more money that we loose sight of what�s important. Everything that we do, as a society, is: for/because/limited by money. I say limited because on our quest for money we lose most of our true passion and never come to an absolute goal. Success isn�t very successful if it doesn�t show up on a tax form. Some become rich, often by chance and good fortune. Regardless of this, these same people determine what is valuable by the same concepts that caused them to become rich in the first place. Anyone under them financially is on their own, be them near death and starvation, �it�s their fault because they don�t have money.� Hopefully that last sentence was blatantly idiotic, but it remains none the less true. Nicely tucked away from the rest of the world, we care little for others whom we do not profit from. Billions of people live worthless uneducated lives where their chances of doing anything of great worth are slim to none. All the while, we spend billions of dollars on wars, politics, entertainment, and what�s more? All these things are a byproduct of money driven society. If we all enjoyed what we did and did it for the passion and personal reward then the entertainment industry wouldn�t be a billion dollar pop, Instead, we discover early on that the pleasant jobs are few and rare. So as I think back to the simple days on emerald soccer fields: When I didn�t need to worry about anything other then the game at hand. When my only motivation was to have fun and challenge the competition. When I profited off other people only as friends and teammates. When school was a place to learn and share ideas with classmates rather then a funneled spawning ground for a generation of mindless workaholics who care only for those very dear and profitable� I suddenly desired a pristine forest field to run on, a baby blue sky to rest under, a simple game for all to enjoy, and a fresh orange from half time. Every time we look at someone and judge them less than one�s self we are failing as a human being � to put one�s self in another�s shoes. It is only a matter of time until the corruption tied with money will drive us into horrible war or mortally poison the earth. It always has and until that day always will limit us from our true potential as a species. By some incredible uniting factor we as a people must come together and forget any desire for excessive material possession.

Why can't I be that good with words? Anyways, I'm out, Peace.


I enlightened you... 3rd/8th/2004, 4:42pm.







March 7th, 2004

I don't deserve to live.

I wish I was in a better mood to be updating this....Fuck. Anyways. Let's see, right off the bat, AJ. I know you don't like me because your a dumb immature whore. And I hate your fucking guts. So if you hate me so much, why do you read my site and then try and get people mad at me for what I've written? I know that being a dumb immature skanky try hard whore is time consuming, but try and find time out of your day to get a fucking clue and quit reading my site. Get some common sense while your at it too.

Alright. Enough of that. Let's talk about happy things. On Friday I had so much fucking fun. I had spent the night at Shanes, and we got up and started walking to school and low and behold we saw Craig. They wanted to go and get Damien and we ran into coLin too, and they went outside to smoke pot and I didn't cause I'm not going too for two weeks, aren't I special. Shane left to go for CTC, and Craig and coLin and I went to coLin's and I had a very good bagel. I had to catch a bus home to get some money for mushies so Craig and I caught the bus. Paul and Scott were taking the same one, and we made fun of each other :) it was great. Craig and I sat around and ate and talked about astrology and listened to flogging molly :) then we headed in. I had to catch another bus to meet Corey Walsh. On the way there I stopped at Ty's work and talked to him for a few minutes and then met Corey. Me him and his girlfriend walked to downtown and then I went with Craig to find Drew and then we ate the mushrooms. We walked back and talked about swordfighting haha cause I found a cool He-man sword on the way down. I was extremely hyper and excited to see everyone, I kissed many womens and was very happy. Kris-ta decided to lick me :P cause I am her popsicle. It was great, except at that point I was really high and could not feel my face. Once the mushrooms hit I became very sketchy and didn't want many people close to me, but thats okay. The whole night was filled with incoherant babbelings, yelling, a VERY violent story time, and Drew and I running and jumping into the sand. It's kind of hard to describe everything cause well, it's all in my head I guess :P Shane ended up coming down and that was nice, he took care of me while I was too fucked up too look around haha. Pierce harassed an old man, it was truly great. Drew and I left around 11:30ish, and everyone on the bus looked so satanic and evil. I hated all of them. Except Justin and Mattjew and his red haired lady. Justin and Drew and I had a very strange conversation that involved sex, Mattjew, and Jesse. He was having trouble getting the handicap seat too work too haha. Drew and I arrived at woodgroove off the bus and we grew a large hatred towards staples and decided that we will burn it one day. When we got to his house and we watched TV and commericals for hours, laughing histarically. Saved by the bell, king of the hill, dawsons creek, and boondock saints are hilarious on mush. We decided the detective from boondock saints was the King of fags. I am so jealous. If you go to stupid van isle punx you will find the post that drew and I wrote that night, it doesn't really make sense though. ALl in all it was a great night, and I can't wait for the next mushroom adventure. On saturday I got to shanes and we stayed up talking with his mom, haha we're so cool. On Sunday we hung out some more, he was really busy though so we didn't get much time together =\ I am so excited for warped tour, I mean, NOFX, Avenged sevenfold, FLOGGING MOLLY!!!!!!!!, Alexisonfire, casualities, and much more. I am gonna murder good charlotte and a simple plan though for being there. They suck. FUCK!

Look at the pretty lyrics
Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'


Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults


I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide


Yeah we're gonna let it slide


Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you


Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
If there's something I can't change
I'll live around it


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh May, put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May, do you wanna get married
Or run away


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh May, put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May do you wanna get married
Or run away


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall


Oh May, why dont you slide in to my room
just slide into my room
and we'll run away run away


Ya goo goo dolls, I am sooo cool it hurts :P I ate chicken today, it was good. I am gonna learn how to post pictures soon and make a friends page and whatnot. In closing, I haTE myself and I want to die. Goodnight.


Tomboy

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla


I enlightened you... 3rd/7th/2004, 12:22pm.







January 30th, 2004

Heyyyyyyyyyyy! Make sure you go to Stupid Van Isle Punx to see the nice drunken pictures of tonight

Anyhoo, lets see. Today, brand new classes, which is kind of a relief even though going back on full days will be a bitch. Last night I only got about 2 hours of sleep, and you know when your head is too full and you can only sleep for a little bit at a time? Well I finally just rolled outta bed at 6:20am, talked to my dad and showered and such. Got to school, talked to Ty for a bit, went and got my scheduele, where I had the lady giving them out say I looked different and that I changed my look and how she didn't like my old one =\ and I just wanted to get away from the scary lady so I just smiled and laughed and said thank you like an idiot. :P Anyways, went to Bio 12, Jamie is in my class so that'll be cool, we mostly talked for a lot of teh class. She's in my photography class too, which I think will be a kick ass course. Brianna is in there too and Davey, but he didn't really seem like he wanted to talk to me =\ Hmmmm. Umm yeah then at lunch Shane and I decided we would go apply for jobs cause its only the first day and all they do is give out course outlines. Me Kirk n Shane and his mom drove around doing that, stopped at cosco which was cool cause I haven't been there in like 7 years and I got to try lots of samples, there was one for toilet paper and Shane was like dude, Does she want us to wipe our ass and tell her how it feels? I soooo wanted one of them to go over there and ask her :D Hehehe. Anyways, I got distracted for a little while watching finding Nemo then we left. Got dropped off at coLin's, watched Seinfeld wiht him and Blake for a while, took off to coLin Parson's and we all chilled there while he booted for us, it was pretty fun watching the simpsons AND watching coLin and his dumb 15 year old sister argue. We chilled there for a long time not realizing Craig and Neil were downstairs whilst we all drank out of the 2/6 of fireball. I went downstairs and was amazed and said WHOAAA! Then we all smoked some pot except for Neil and Blake, got nice and ripped and wasted and all headed downtown. It was SO effin cold! But the fireball fulfilled me in ways that life cannot so it was okay. We got downtown and at first didn't see people but then realized to look to our left and we saw all the children. We were greeted with a "JESUS!" screech from Kris-ta. We all proceeded to talk and I introduced my crew (coLin Shane bLake etc...) and we all hung out and smoked a lot of pot. Jesse took a few pictures of me being an idiot, I'm eager to see how they turn out. Ooh oooh but the best part of the night was STORYTIME! We all sat down in a semi-circle (Jesse, coLin, Shane, Andy, bLake, Raina, everybody) and listened to Drew tell his stories. There was the Irish Mist story which I don't quite remember due to how fucked up I was, but I do remember the old man McSunday story. Once again, go to SVIP and see the pictures, it will help. But Brad Park was old man McSunday, and Raina was old lady McMonday. I don't remember how the story quite went except for something about neon green beavers which were acted out by Jesse and someone else and Ashlee was Jesse's tail, lol anyways, they were really valuable cause they were neon green, and there was a queen of france(can't remember who, maybe Donnie?) and the pope(MattJew) and Rob Lee was gone and killed everyone, EXCEPT, for Old man McSunday, sitting by his tree(lamp-post). I laughed so fucking hard. Eventually we left and went to Timmy Hortons, now coLin and Shane and I are back at coLin's, where we are listening to bands like children of bodom and making fun of them because their so fucking cheesy and overdone. If you wanna hear cheesiness at its best, download the song Melancholy by Iced Earth, a nice deep south park singing voice. Anyways, I blasted the song popsicle by new kids on the block to get coLin's attention and now hes here yay. I'm so fucking clever. Anyways, time for bed maybe? I'm only running on two hours of sleep.....


I enlightened you... 1st/11th/2004, 12:36pm.








January 28th, 2004

Finally geocities is running again. Fuck. Let's see. I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold(very good band, good lyrics) and talking to Jesse. Shane, Jesse Bartlet and Ryan are playing Halo in the background. I'm not sure where Kirk is. Here's a quiz I did


I'll bet you expected this answer. You already knew
you were a DARK ANGELIC, didn't you? You
are similar to a demon but slightly different
in that you don't revel in evil...you revel in
pleasure. Your wings resemble an angel's but if
that's so then you are a Fallen Angel - your
love of sin caused you to be cast from the
Heavens. They are black as raven wings and are
nearly as dark as your desires. You are
faithless and love it - you believe there is no
Judgement Day to fear and so you can do what
you want! You have a refined concept of what is
sexy and a slightly chaotic sense of 'fun.' In
fact, you love chaos and view much of what you
do as a game. You are typically attracted to
those that will challenge your mind, power, and
wit...and are 'dangerous' people like you. It's
not unlikely that you are bisexual or at least
open to the concept, because you seek
excitement and passion everywhere and in
everyone. Chances are you have a special talent
for magick - you're a powerful being and you
know what you want. Like a Serpent of Eden you
like to try your powers of seduction and
manipulation, though your intent is rarely to
cause harm. You have a deep, dark sense of art
and/or poetry, because your mind is a deep,
dark place. While typically smirking, amused,
and sarcastic, you are capable of severe
revenge and a passion and intensity unrivaled
by any other. In your eyes life is for
enjoyment and pleasure - nothing else. If
you're not having fun in your own twisted way,
you're not happy. You are easily bored with the
vast majority of people. You are most likely
drawn towards the Gothic subculture and
probably adore Goth music, art, and style. Many
people look down on your seemingly careless
lifestyle and may even consider you 'slutty'.
Not true. You just know you're sexy and you're
damn proud of it. Dark Angels have an outlook
most like Satanists - loving sin and looking to
none but themselves for power. Congratulations!
You're my kindred spirit. As far as I'm
concerned - you know what life is REALLY about.
Have fun...Muahaha.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyways. Jesse and I are having a discussion, and our discussions always get me thinking. Just how shitty life is and how nothing good ever lasts, never knowing who you are, short lived friendships, basically the shittiness of mankind. Bah now I am too mad to even rant. Look at these lyrics, later.

With This Ink in our skin we've sealed our fate,
And the axe comes early
(Only naturally) So what does that matter?
There's a bed of skeletons waiting for me,
On the other side
They're waiting for my next move (Next fatal breath)
Human lives seem so unreal, can't they see through the fog,
Nothing past a grey wall, See past the stereotype
Belief structure built up in you,
I'll tear you down and the one who created you.


If they didn't have one how would they act?
If we didn't have hope how would we behave?
Would they still feel remorse
if they slaughtered innocent beings?
Or is hope the only thing that keeps you sane?


A good friend once told me we are memory,
Without it we equal nothing,
And all I can see is the place I wanna be,
Suddenly my life was so free.
Leaves at my feet, Blown to the ground,
Their echoes are reaching my ears.
Nights coming fast, The suns going down
But keep away from me, Keep away from me...


[ Keep away from me x3
] [It's hard, To keep me in this place, Keep away from me]


We may have created the beginning, Mentally
We may have created the beginning, Physically
To the end of our human existence.


I see through you,
The fear that�s in your eyes.


(Solo)


A good friend once told me we are memory,
without it we equal nothing, Timeless my live was so free.
Leaves at my feet, Blown to the ground,
Their echoes are reaching my ears.
Nights coming fast, Suns going down (Confused)
I don�t know the answers but neither do you.



I enlightened you... 1st/11th/2004, 11:07pm.







January 11th, 2004

It's Sunday. School tomorrow, wooo hooo. Blech. Let's see, this weekend what did I do. On Friday I went down to Craig's with Shane and we sat around while I kicked everyones ass at Mortal Kombat 3. Shane and I decided to leave because he was having an incredible craving for chicken stew in a bread bowl(which he only craved in the first place because of a day I made him walk across town with me just to get it lol), and sat in Tim Hortons until it was almost time for the punk show. We walked down there and hung out with everyone. Haha there was a speed head that told me that he thinks my sister has horses. It was rather amusing. I'm sorry, but I was pissed off for a good portion of the show. There were so many fucking posers, I wanted to vomit. It kind of wrecks a show when your trying to mosh and get into the music and your just surrounded by assholes and twinky girls in black make-up. Sorry to stop the story but Tess told me she wanted to be mentioned in the site, so I'm going to say that she kicks a lot of ass and is a very sexy girl =) Lol anyways, I was really exausted at the show due to lack of food and sleep, but I still had fun seein people. Shane and I went up and played pool with Blake and Alex, I kept messing up cause everytime I'd take a shot Blake would say "Kenichi smells!" or something along those lines. Anyways, after the show, Shane and I caught a bus with Lauraina Dreww and other random people. We all had some laughs, and we sang. Shane and I had to walk from Rutherford to his house, was quite the walk, had to stop and piss in someones yard though cause I was too scared to go in the bushes haha. We got back there and his mom and Ryan were still up so we drank smoked pot and talked and I got so ripped I didn't even know what was going on and fell asleep and woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon. Best sleep I've had since I moved. Anyways, I've been thinking about being in a band lately soooo much, and low and behold Tess starts talking to me and saying how she really wants to drum and be in a sweet ass punk band, which is my dream, so hopefully that will go somewhere :) I always imagine myself screaming my heart out at a show, most of the time its an AFi song but still, I want it so bad. It's strange, I'm in an incredibly good mood today. Maybe it's cause I'm thinking more positivly. Who knows. Anyways, I should go to bed. School tomorrow, and well, I have no conclusion, other then that I'm happy :D Oh and incase you don't know what a Dupey is, its this really cute fluffy little animal thing off the show Dilbert. They rule. Go to bLake's site, I don't know the addy, but look up trent J Liberty on google. Much love


I enlightened you... 1st/11th/2004, 11:07pm.







January 6th, 2004

If I sneeze one more time, I'm going to die. Well, I know I won't, but at this point I'm wishing for it lol. Well let's see now. My first night back home(last night) was pretty awful. I didn't fall asleep until about 7am. I haven't exacly been hungry since I got back here either. Today is a snowday thank god, cause I woke up around 4 o clock this afternoon. Snow is so purdy =) But yeah I had a big rant in mind, but I lost it, and I told April I'd go over for a quick visit, so I'm off, chow.


I enlightened you... 1st/6th/2004, 6:14pm.







January 4th, 2004

Hi people. Sorry I haven't updated in a while....Once again I'm stumped as of what to say. Things are kind of fucked up lately....

Right now I'm listening to This Time Imperfect by AFi. Good song.

Funny, whenever I come to update the site I have nothing to say but when I'm not near a computer my head is full.

Basically, I'm moving back home.

I've lived with Shane and Kirk for about four months now?

It's really sad, to be going.

I felt like it was really my home.

His mom's to stressed out to be having so many people live here, Ryan had kinda moved back when I did, plus I lost my job so where's the money gonna come from?

Back to my home I go.

But I wouldn't really call it a home. Cause it doesn't feel like one.

God it feels so awful to say that. I mean about my own family. God.

I can't even go upstairs to pack up my room, I'll just cry.

But I guess I have to do it now don't I....

Fuck I've had so many good times and memories in this house....Getting stoned, drunk, playing video games. Lot's of good talks with everyone. Lots and lots of fun times, I can't even really explain everything, I guess its something that only I will understand. I don't wanna go back home, it makes me feel so bad to say it, but I really don't wanna go back. I probably sound like such a spoiled little bitch. I can't even type anymore....Bye


I enlightened you... 1st/28th/2004, 2:22am.







December 5th, 2003

Hello children. I don't really know what to say right now. All is losT. Why can't things ever just stay the same? I'm tired. I guess that never changes...I'm tired of feeling sad a lot of the time. I'm tired of my brain telling me two things all the time about everything. I'm tired of never knowing what to do, say, or how to act. I'm sick of walking around and having everything go by me so fast and happily, and be being almost frozen. Everyone gets better and gets back up when their down, but my wings are aLways broken. I hate how I always take things for granted or find a way to mess up what I have going for me thats good. I feel like I am just a fuck up and nothing I will ever do is good enough. That's how I fuckin feel right now. I deserve everything I get. There is aLways someone better. I don't even deserve my boyfriend, I don't deserve anyone or anything. No wonder everyone who comes into my life leaves me behind...fuck it all. Anyways enough bitching I got drunk the other night with Shane's mom which I shouldn't have done cause I was sick(as usual) and having the worst cramps ever but I ended up throwing up and stuff from pain and booze and it sucked but I went to school anyways, Shane took really good care of me so that was nice. Shane's mommy is cool. I cut my hair, maybe I will cut it some more. Spikeys. Fuck. I want my sun blanket. It's warm.


I enlightened you... 12/5th/2003, 4:44am.







November 17th, 2003

I am off to boxing, time for a quick update. Who wants to touch me?