Perfectly Happy
by Amanda Rex

You can send anonymous feedback about this story using our Feedback form

The characters herein are the property of 1013, Fox and Chris Carter. No infringement on their copyright is intended. Their usage here is for entertainment purposes only.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm perfectly happy with my friendship with Agent Scully."

He recalled having said it earlier that day, more to himself than to Holman Hardt, as they'd moved through the darkness of KPJK. The words had rolled easily, fluently off his tongue. They should. He'd practiced them enough.

He couldn't remember when he'd begun working on it, but the sentence had gone through a thousand revisions. He'd come to think of it as his mantra -- he recited it whenever he needed to regain his perspective. For at least four years, some version of it was always ready. He needed only to think of it, and allow it to guide him to his senses.

"I'm satisfied with our friendship." It had begun so simply. But 'satisfied' didn't work. He'd come to realize 'satisfied' had unfortunate sexual undertones. It had become necessary to employ a much more innocent adjective.

"I'm happy with our friendship." He'd nearly decided on this revision. Happy. Simpler than 'content', more innocent than 'satisfied'. But it wasn't quite strong enough.

"Very happy." That was too simplistic.

"Extremely happy." That was too, well...extreme.

"Perfectly happy." It was, for lack of a better word, perfect.

So for months he'd repeated it to himself. "I'm perfectly happy with our friendship." And it had seemed so right...

Until the day he realized he'd never heard her refer to him as anything other than her "partner". Perhaps she didn't think of them as friends. Maybe that was too intimate.

"Relationship". That was much less specific. She'd never object to that definition of their association with each other.

So he'd tried that version for a while. "I'm perfectly happy with our relationship." But this version wasn't as effective. 'Relationship' had so many romantic connotations.

He decided he should speak for himself. It was his mantra, after all.

"I'm perfectly happy with my friendship with Scully." Scully -- her name drifted through his dreams. Her name had been Dana Scully long before he knew her, but only he had made her 'Scully'. It was too much. He couldn't let 'Scully' drift through his thoughts as often as this affirmation would be necessary.

Dana? No. He didn't even know 'Dana'. He wasn't sure Scully did anymore, either.

What else could he call her? Something that would give her the proper distance, the correct air of professionalism.

He tried 'Doctor Scully' for exactly one day, with disastrous results. The fantasy it had led to... He could still hear her imagined voice ringing in his mind. "Tell Doctor Scully where it hurts..." No, this wouldn't do at all.

Agent Scully? He'd tried it, sounding out the syllables in a guilty whisper. It sounded so neutral. He was already accustomed to introducing her this way. It was professional sounding, tinged with just the right amount of deference.

And so, he had created the mantra that allowed him to maintain their friendship.

"I'm perfectly happy with my friendship with Agent Scully."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, he looked over at her, watching as her eyes sparkled in the shimmering light of this tiny podunk town's high school auditorium. Maybe if he took her hand and pulled her into a loose embrace, they could dance. That's all, just dance, smile, and enjoy each other's company for a little while. After all, he was perfectly happy with his friendship with Agent Scully.

But at the thought of holding her in his arms, he felt an all-too-familiar ache resonating through his body. The sting of restraint, as he stayed the muscles of his hands and his arms from pulling her toward him.

And he replayed, in his mind, the sentence that had become his life-line, the only thing that gave him the inner serenity to maintain his perspective.

But then he looked at her again, finding she was already looking at him. Her expression was impossible to read, but his response was immediate.

He allowed himself one moment to indulge in his reaction, one moment in the sure, clear knowledge that he loved her. It filled him, sweet and strong, and his hand moved to take hers. He swallowed, taking in the last air he would breathe before telling her, and himself, how he felt.

But it was in a situation such as this that his mantra excelled. It was the reason he'd tuned and practiced it so diligently, so it would save them from the effects of one moment of spontaneity -- a moment he didn't dare to imagine they were prepared for.

And then it began, reverberating though his mind.

I'm perfectly happy...

I'm perfectly happy...

...my friendship...

...friendship...

...with Agent Scully...

...with Agent Scully...

...Scully...

...Scully...

"Did you say something, Mulder?" Her expression was light. She was happy, basking in the success of their impromptu matchmaking efforts.

"It's nothing, Scully. I was just thinking, it's probably time..." He paused, as if that was all he needed to say. It was time? Was it time? Time for --

"Time for what, Mulder?"

His hand lightly brushed hers. He felt her fingers find his for a second, almost long enough to squeeze, and then they stopped.

"It's probably time to go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

end

You can send anonymous feedback about this story using our Feedback form