I did not expect you, or any of the other recipients (intended
or not) of that e-mail, to be able to relate to it, however, you are correct in
assuming that it is something I feel strongly about. When I sent that letter, I
was ready to sever all ties with people I knew and try later to pick up the
pieces of what would be left of my life. I'm glad to say that it did not come to
that, although there was a small number of people who did not react in a very
positive manner.
I don't think it would be correct, nor in any way
accurate, to say that any one event or number of events caused me to feel this
way because I've been feeling this way for a significant portion of my life. My
mom said that when I was 4 or so, I acted like my little sister did at that age,
which is different from how my brother apparently acted at that point in his
life. I've always been more feminine than masculine, and I was often teased for
“acting like a girl.” (One thing I've always wanted to say...
“Has it ever
occurred to you that I act like a girl because I *am* a girl?”) As a matter of
fact, most of my friends have been girls. I guess that would contribute later to
people thinking I was gay... (For me, that issue is still clouded because I've
never really been attracted to persons of either sex.)
I remember feeling
a bit jealous in school, seeing the girls go through puberty, but at the same
time I was confused, wondering why I was feeling that way. I didn't really like
the idea of my voice changing either.... Eventually I figured that part of me
out, but I was afraid to tell anyone because I was always made fun of before,
and a lot of people just seemed really homophobic. I eventually reached a point
where I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore, and I had to tell someone; hiding
myself from people began to have a negative impact on my behavior, causing me to
sometimes be overly irritable and violent, for example.
BTW, I did try to
write something for “The Olé Times” but was squelched by Mrs. Axtell, saying
that it wouldn't be able to slide by the administration. Any article I wrote on
the women's rights or anything related to how screwed up society sometimes is
when it comes to gender/sexual issues was always “By Alyssa
Nguyen” for various
reasons. (Of course, the one time I *didn't* want that name used, Waheed goes
out and does it =P) She did, however, talk to me and tell me that someone in the
previous class (when the paper was “The Bolsa
Chronicles” or something like
that) wanted to write an article on what it's like to be a teen lesbian, but it
was never printed for similar reasons.
Alyssa Nguyen
-----Original
Message-----
From: Ramon Trujillo [e-mail address removed]
Sent:
Thursday, April 06, 2000 21:26
To: [email protected]
Subject: my response
to your email
[real name],
I'm sorry i didn't send this earlier, i
know you had asked me to, and that
i said i'd send it "tomorrow." Well,
as the old saying goes "tomorrow never
comes." In short, i simply did not
find the time, i haven't even been on the
net much lately, just for a few
minutes to check mail and i'm off. Anyway,
i see, or rather understand,
your dilemma. I personally can't relate to it,
however. If you
feel as if you ARE a woman inside, then it must be an
emotion that you feel
strongly about. If you do officially become your
alter ego Alissa, then
the best of luck to you as a woman. Other than that,
i mean, your story
is rather self-explanatory. I have to admit that i had a
little chuckle
at first, it's just what you said, not you. But after the
initial
laughs and "ewws" i know that you feel strongly about what you
wrote.
Your story, if you will, is rather sad. I mean the whole concept of
being, at
the expense of sounding trite, trapped in a man's body. I just
have one
question: What events in your life caused you to feel the way that
you
do?
When you have a chance, get back to me on
that.
Sincerely,
Ramon
Trujillo