Who The F**k Is Eamon?
By Conor Duffy
You know when you hear something and you just can’t believe it? When something just comes out of nowhere and has a huge impact, be it for better or for worse?
Well, that’s what happened to me when I first heard Eamon and his Number 1 single, the wonderfully titled ‘F**k It.’ Actually, I heard the song long before I ever heard Eamon. I mean, come on. Look at that title. I have a twelve-year-old brother. Need I say anymore? When I heard my brother singing the chorus to this song, I immediately thought it was just another stupid thing he’d picked up from one of his friends. But then I found my sisters singing it too. You know how that chorus goes: "Fuck what I said, it don’t mean shit now/ Fuck those presents, might as well throw them out" etc. etc. So I was a bit surprised by this. Generally I’m always the last to know, but this thing really caught me by surprise.
Finally, after weeks of wondering just what exactly was going on, I heard this infamous single. I was looking forward to eventually listening to it, if I’m going to be completely honest. After all, it’s not every day a song like that comes around.
It was shit. I didn’t even recognise it when I heard it on the radio. If it hadn’t been for that chorus, it would have went right past me without notice. This was the big deal? This song sucks! It’s like Usher got drunk one night and was pissed off about not getting any for a while. This song is pointless, ridiculous, and no doubt wouldn’t have been missed if it had never been recorded. So, of course, it went straight to Number 1 in the UK single charts, and did exactly the same here. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: people are idiots.
I wanted to know more about Eamon, so I went on his website. This is what I discovered:
1. Eamon is a nineteen-year-old singer from Brooklyn.
2. He has a single called ‘F**k It.’
Apparently that’s all we need to know. There’s some other crap about how, after a relationship is over, we all feel like saying those two magic words, but overall it’s one of the worst music sites I’ve ever seen. The fact that it’s main purpose seems to be the promotion of the single should tell you everything you need to know about Eamon’s future prospects.
I suppose I can see the appeal in ‘F**k It.’ I mean, Justin Timberlake was hardly about to release it, was he? Look, swearing! Lot’s of it! It’s a little dangerous, but not so dangerous that parents won’t let their preteen kids buy it. Actually, even better if parents do go nuts about it - controversy, as we all know, sells. I know I should try to look on the bright side here. Well, the guy does have a good singing voice. When I hear him sing, it doesn’t make me want to kill someone (namely, him.) But then Gareth Gates also has a fine voice, and I’d gladly beat the shit out of him. So maybe I can overlook so much of the crap because Eamon hasn’t been dressed up as a nice boy for all the nice girls. Of course, therein lies the problem; he’s been dressed up as a bad boy for all the "rebellious" girls. Like Avril Lavigne, Eamon is "real." But that’s mainstream "real", lowest common denominator "real."
Also, those lyrics just plain suck. Eamon is not the first guy to write a song about how an ex-girlfriend hurt him. Hell, even Justin did it. But Justin’s song was actually decent. And come on, man, how long did those lyrics take to write, ten minutes? I admit, plenty of good songs have been written in ten minutes, but they don’t all rely on the same four-letter word every other line.
And now we’ve got an even bigger problem: Frankee. Frankee is Eamon’s "ex-girlfriend, the girl he so charmingly labels a ho in his chart-topper. She’s replied with her own song, ‘F**k You Right Back’ (how original), which is basically the same song with new, equally crap, lyrics. Eamon, of course, has never heard of Frankee, and completely denies ever going out with her. If I were a betting man, and not just cynical, I’d be putting good money on the duet being out before autumn.
Why is this happening? I can’t be the only one who sees right through this. Why must the general public pick up on every single stupid fad that comes through the music industry? And this is a fad. I’ve had the misfortune of hearing tracks from Eamon’s album, and while there are a few good beats on it, it’s the same collection of misogynistic lyrics and tough guy bravado glossed over with some pretty boy vocals. Expect this album to do well, but don’t expect the follow-up to receive the same attention. By then, Smash Hits and Top Of The Pops will have moved onto something else. And in the end there will be Eamon, with his Number 1 single on every compilation between now and next summer, wondering why his celebrity friends don’t pop around all that much anymore, and why the next world tour isn’t going exactly to plan. Hell, maybe he will make it. But in all honesty, Eamon, fuck it; I don’t care if you ever come back.