EPISODE 72: WELCOME TO THE 4077^TH

DISCLAIMER: The usual, I don’t own M*A*S*H or the characters and am making no profit whatsoever. Wish I could, though… I didn’t say that!

The sun shone down on Captain Adrienne Elizabeth Jacobson as she stood outside of the 8063^rd M*A*S*H unit waiting to be taken to the 4077^th, making her sweat slightly under her uniform. She hated sweating, it meant she had to take a shower, and there was nothing worse to Adrienne than showering in Korea. Well, except for maybe the war.

A transfer wasn’t what she expected after she crashed General Clayton’s jeep through her CO’s quarters. Even though she’d been drunk out of her mind, she had thought that it would have gotten her at least a dishonourable discharge. When General Clayton asked her why she had done it, she slurred, "I was aiming for the latrine, Sir!" and promptly passed out.

She’d already said goodbye to her friends. The very few she had left, anyway. It seemed she had alienated just about everyone with her practical jokes. Personally she didn’t see anything wrong with sending pictures of a fellow doctor in a certain situation with a nurse to his mother. It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen his tush before.

Adrienne noticed a jeep speeding along in the distance. She could tell the driver was female because of the bright pink clothes she was wearing. As the jeep got closer, however, she discovered the driver was a man. She was pretty sure women didn’t have chest hair.

"Interesting," Adrienne muttered.

The jeep pulled up in front of her and the driver jumped out. He was wearing red high heel shoes, too. He saluted.

"Corporal Klinger, Ma’am!"

Adrienne saluted in return, a little taken aback. "Corporal…"

As Klinger picked up her bags and took them to the jeep, Adrienne took one last look at the 8063^rd. Her lack of sadness didn’t surprise her at all.

"I think it’s safe to say I won’t miss this place," she muttered.

"Ready, Ma’am?" Klinger asked from the driver’s seat.

Adrienne walked over to the jeep and climbed in next to Klinger. "Hell yeah." She paused before she asked, "Corporal, may I make a suggestion?"

"Yes, Ma’am."

"The next time you wear that outfit, try pink heels. The red ones throw the whole ensemble off balance."

Klinger sighed. "Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? I have a pair of pink heels, too!"

Adrienne gave him a strange look as he started the engine and drove off.

Adrienne squinted against the sun as the 4077^th came into view. As it got closer she groaned. It looked worse than the 8063^rd. She was hoping for some improvement, no matter how small. Klinger heard her groan.

"That was exactly my reaction when I arrived, Ma’am," he commented.

"This place is worse than the 8063^rd!" Adrienne exclaimed. "Now I know why General Clayton transferred me instead of kicking me out."

Klinger glanced at Adrienne with interest. "What did you do?"

"I crashed his jeep into my CO’s quarters."

"Do you think that would get me thrown out?" Klinger asked excitedly.

"If you wear that while you do it," Adrienne replied.

Klinger sighed wistfully as he pulled the jeep up in front of a short man with glasses and a cap. Klinger quickly got out of the jeep and began retrieving Adrienne’s belongings from the back. Adrienne got out and greeted the little man with a salute.

"Hi, I’m—" Adrienne started.

"Captain Adrienne Jacobson. Welcome to the 4077^th, Ma’am," he interrupted.

Adrienne frowned at him. "Could you tell me—?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake’s office is right this way," he interrupted again.

How the hell did he know what she was going to say?? Adrienne frowned so hard with confusion she thought her forehead was going to explode. Klinger came up to her with her bags in his hands.

"I’ll put your things in your tent, Ma’am." He said.

"I have my own tent?"

"Yes, Ma’am."

"ALL RIGHT!!" Adrienne shrieked, wide-eyed, throwing her arms up in the air. She quickly regained herself when she saw the funny looks Klinger and The Little Man were giving her. She cleared her throat. "Uh, I mean, that will be fine, thank you."

Dropping her bags, Klinger curtsied. Adrienne smiled, a little spooked, in return. Klinger picked her things up again and made his way to her tent.

"Right this way, Ma’am," The Little Man said.

"What’s your name?" Adrienne knew she couldn’t think of him as The Little Man forever.

"Corporal O’Reilly, but most people call me Radar."

Radar took her to Henry Blake’s office. He was asleep at his desk.

"Another fine American defending our country," Adrienne cracked.

Radar gave her a pained look, then went over to Henry and gently shook him. Henry awoke and sat upright.

"Lorraine, please, I’m tired," he said with a yawn.

"Colonel?" Henry looked up at Radar. "Captain Adrienne Jacobson has arrived, Sir."

"Radar, I told you not to disturb me unless Captain Jacobson arrives!"

Adrienne stared at him expectantly, waiting for the ball to drop. It finally did and Henry quickly stood.

"Oh, Captain Jacobson, Colonel Henry Blake," he said, extending his hand.

"Colonel," Adrienne replied, grabbing his hand and shaking it vigorously. So vigorously, in fact, that Henry almost lost his balance. This is going well so far! She thought.

"Radar, would you get me…" Henry began.

"Captain Jacobson’s file…" Henry and Radar said in unison, Radar anticipating what he was going to say, like always.

"Here it is, Sir," Radar handed Henry the thick manila folder.

"That will be all, Radar."

"Yes, Sir."

Radar left the room, Adrienne watching him go. That was quite a knack The Little Man had there. She hoped he wouldn’t do that to her again, she had a quick temper. She didn’t want to make him even shorter, if that were possible.

"Have a seat, Adrienne," Henry gestured to the chair in front of his desk.

Adrienne sat down and Henry did the same. He opened her file and went through it. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. Adrienne knew what part he was reading. She chewed on her lower lip, wondering what he’d say.

"It says here you crashed General Clayton’s jeep through your commanding officer’s quarters!" Henry said in surprise.

"Yes, Sir," she replied. She added for her benefit, "I think I should point out that I was actually aiming for the latrine."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."

Adrienne quipped, "You didn’t see the latrine!"

"I hope there won’t be a repeat of that here," Henry said.

"I make no promises, Sir."

Henry sighed. "That’s good enough for me. Welcome to the 4077^th."

"Thank you!"

Grinning, Adrienne grabbed Henry’s hand and shook it again. She was off to a good start. Just as long as General Clayton didn’t visit anytime soon.

Henry showed Adrienne around the camp. He pointed out places of interest: the mess tent, the OR, the nurse’s shower (that was of great interest to him) and the Swamp, home of the notorious Captains Pierce and McIntyre. She’d heard about them at the 8063^rd. She thought there was nothing wrong with what she’d heard, but other people might find it horrifying. That’s why she loved it.

Henry finished the tour at her tent. She thanked him and went inside to unpack. She stacked her medical books, novels and foreign language dictionaries on a shelf. She started on her clothes when Radar raced in.

"Choppers, Ma’am!"

Adrienne frowned. "I don’t hear anything."

"Wait for it," was Radar’s reply.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, the sound of choppers could be heard in the distance. Radar raced outside and yelled, "CHOPPERS!!" for everyone to hear.

Adrienne threw her kimono down on her cot.

"Brilliant."

She left her tent and immediately headed for the OR. She had been looking forward to at least a few hours by herself before she’d have to get back to reality. She went into pre op and began washing her hands next to a handsome dark haired man. He looked at her and grinned. Adrienne glanced at him and smirked. She enjoyed attention from a cute guy. What self-respecting woman wouldn’t?

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she replied.

"What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?" he asked, trying to be suave.

"Either I’m here to operate, or someone gave me the wrong directions to the Officer’s Club."

The dark haired man frowned. "You’re a doctor?"

"Uh huh," Adrienne replied as she finished washing her hands and began drying them with a towel a nurse handed to her. "Captain Adrienne Jacobson. I’d shake your hand, but I’d have to get sterile all over again and I doubt the war would wait for me."

"Hawkeye Pierce."

"Your parents were cruel enough to christen you Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye was about to answer when Henry came in.

"Pierce, I see you’ve met our new surgeon," Henry said as another man came in, this one with curly hair.

"Who’s our new surgeon?" he asked as he took his sunglasses off and put them in his shirt pocket.

"Captain John McIntyre, Captain Adrienne Jacobson," Henry introduced them.

There’s the other one. They stared at each other for a moment. Adrienne wasn’t quite sure if it was attraction or curiosity, but she knew for sure he was cute as hell.

"Hi Captain John McIntyre."

"Hi. Call me Trapper."

"What is this, the nickname club?" Adrienne asked.

"Wait ‘til you meet Ferret Face," Hawkeye replied.

She wondered for a moment who—or what—the hell Ferret Face was, then shrugged it off. A nurse helped her with her gloves, gown and mask and she stepped into the OR. She sighed. Why did there have to be casualties in war? Of course, no casualties would defeat the whole purpose of having a war, but it would have made her job a whole lot easier.

The other doctors joined her, shaking her from her thoughts. Klinger and a corpsman placed a soldier with a leg wound in front of her. All would have been normal if Klinger hadn’t have been wearing a nurse’s uniform complete with cape.

"Nice uniform," Adrienne commented.

"Thanks!" Klinger grinned.

"Is that one size fits all?" she inquired. "I’ve been invited to a costume party in Seoul next week."

Klinger flung the cape off his shoulders with what is usually called dignity and left with the corpsman. They passed another nurse who had an air of authority about her. Good, a person for Adrienne to make fun of.

"Oh, Major," Henry said. "This is our new surgeon, Captain Jacobson. Adrienne, this is Margaret Houlihan, our head nurse."

"Hello, Doctor," Margaret nodded politely.

"Major," Adrienne responded. Oh yeah, great come back, she berated herself.

"Frank’s on triage, I assume," Hawkeye said as each doctor took a patient and began operating.

"Yep," Henry replied. "He volunteered. Like he always does."

"Frank?" Adrienne asked.

"Ferret Face," Trapper supplied.

"Colonel, I protest to these attacks on Major Burns!" Margaret yelled.

"Yes, but does he protest to your attacks on him?" Hawkeye said, making Margaret gasp angrily.

Adrienne smirked. She had a feeling she was going to like him.

"Get this patient into pre op!" Frank Burns yelled at Radar and Klinger in the bus that had transported the wounded from the front to the unit.

"Yes, Sir," Radar replied as he and Klinger lifted the patient and carried him out of the bus.

Frank paused when he came to a particular patient. "Corporal!" he screamed at Radar.

Radar and Klinger stopped abruptly.

"Sir?" Radar replied innocently. He knew what Frank was about to say.

"There is a North Korean in there," Frank seethed.

"I know, Sir," Radar replied.

"We are not here to patch up the enemy," Frank continued, "but to defend our country against the Communists and wipe them out once and for all! We’re here to help Americans, not North Koreans—" Klinger looked at his watch. "—They sent one of their own to infiltrate us and take this unit over, don’t you know that? What kind of idiot do you think I am, Corporal?"

"I wouldn’t know as much about that as you would, Sir," Radar said, then he and Klinger continued carrying their patient to pre op.

It was a full house in the OR, with all the tables taken. Hawkeye and Trapper were working on a chest wound, Henry on a kid full of shrapnel and Adrienne on a head wound, with Margaret assisting.

"So, Adrienne, are you married?" Hawkeye asked.

"He won’t date married women," Trapper added. "Something to do with morals. I wouldn’t know anything about it."

"Nope, divorced," Adrienne replied as she threw a sponge on the floor. "I have a boyfriend, though. At least, I did when I left. He said he’d remain celibate for me, you know. Which, judging by our relationship, would’ve lasted, oh… two hours."

Everyone in the room laughed, with the exception of Margaret.

"Is it absolutely necessary to discuss your personal life in surgery?" she asked with annoyance.

"Someone asks me a question, I answer," Adrienne said.

"It’s your honesty that offends her," Hawkeye supplied.

"Ah…" Adrienne nodded. She was beginning to understand Margaret. Army brat. She could tell the Major was GI all over. It was rather obvious.

"How long have you been in the Army, Adrienne?" Henry asked. His nurse handed him a wound retractor.

"Almost seven years. My first stepfather, a four star General, bet me I wouldn’t last a year. I showed him! Of course, that victory died the second I got here."

"Who’s your stepfather?" Henry looked up. "I might know him."

"Michael Washington."

Henry pondered for a moment. "The name doesn’t sound familiar…"

"Ever been to Las Vegas?"

"No."

"That’s why."

"You’re from Las Vegas?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah," Adrienne replied as she began to stitch her patient up. "New York, originally. Mom moved us there when she married Michael."

"What’s your life story, Adrienne? Where have you been and what have you done?" Hawkeye inquired.

"You got three days?"

"Possibly," Trapper said.

"OK. Let’s see…" Adrienne began. "I have 4 sisters, Jessica, she’s my twin, Helen, Sarah and Rachel. All younger, Jess by 20 minutes. I had an older one, Francine, but she died, along with my mother and second stepfather, David, in a car accident. I was in the car, too. As a result of my injuries, I can no longer have children."

"I’m sorry," Trapper said sympathetically.

"I’ve accepted it now. It was a long time ago, you know? Anyway, we were devastated by Frannie and David’s deaths, of course, but not so much my mother’s. She wasn’t a very nice person, considering she was drunk all the time. Come to think of it, she wasn’t nice when she was sober, either. I was 16 when that happened and I’d already graduated from high school and been to Harvard. I was pretty sure no one would go to a 16-year-old doctor—"

"Wait," Hawkeye interrupted her, "16??"

"Oh," Adrienne said with a sigh. She really hated telling people she was a bona fide genius. She felt like she was boasting. "I have an IQ of 189," she explained dismissively.

"Holy cow!" Henry exclaimed.

"It’s nothing really," Adrienne tried to play it down.

"Nothing?" Trapper said. "You’re twice as smart as any of us!"

"And four times smarter than Frank!" Hawkeye added.

"I was just about to say that," Trapper said.

"It was obvious really," Hawkeye replied.

"Anyway," Adrienne continued, "where was I? Oh yeah, I was sure no one would go to a 16-year-old doctor, blah, blah, so I went to NYU and got a few more degrees."

"In?" Margaret asked.

"Uh, mechanics, engineering, mathematics, and law. I learn fast. Only took me 2 years. Then I went back to Vegas and got a job to support my sisters. Well, a lot of jobs, actually."

"Such as?" Hawkeye pressed.

"Oh, you know, golf coach, chef, that didn’t last long, singer, waitress. Then, Michael asked me to join the Army. That’s about it, really."

"That didn’t take three days," Trapper commented.

"That was the condensed version," Adrienne smiled under her mask.

Adrienne and Margaret moved aside as their patient was taken away by two corpsmen and another two placed a chest wound patient in front of them. She and Margaret changed their gloves. The doctors continued operating in silence, which annoyed Adrienne. She hated silence, so she began to sing, just to fill it.

"At last…" she sang beautifully. She then said to Margaret, "Scalpel."

"Scalpel," Margaret repeated and handed her the instrument.

"My love has come along," Adrienne continued to sing as she operated. "Rib spreader."

"Rib spreader," Margaret handed it to her.

"My lonely days are over… And life is like a song," Adrienne finished singing and using the rib spreader. "Sponge."

"Sponge."

"In love, Adrienne?" Hawkeye asked.

"Nope. Just like the song."

"I thought you said you have a boyfriend," Trapper frowned.

"Yeah," Adrienne shrugged. "What’s your point?"

Adrienne stretched as she, Trapper and Hawkeye left the OR.

"That was a pretty easy shift," she said. "Eight hours, right?"

"Yeah," Trapper said, looking at his watch. "It didn’t cut into our schedule of lying around, thank God," he added with a grin.

Adrienne looked at him. Cute smile. Cute everything. Except for the wedding ring she noticed when he ran his hand through his hair. Damn. She looked ahead again and saw a man with no lips coming towards them. He stopped when he saw Adrienne.

"I don’t know you," he said suspiciously.

"I don’t know you either," Adrienne replied.

"Major Frank Burns," Hawkeye informed her.

"Or, as he’s affectionately known, Ferret Face," Trapper smirked at Frank, who glared fiercely at him.

"Adrienne Jacobson," she said politely. "I’m new."

"How long’s your warranty?" Hawkeye quipped.

"Well, I’m second in command here," Frank snapped. "Why didn’t you report to me when you arrived?"

"Because I was in surgery," Adrienne answered a little uneasily. She wasn’t afraid of him, though, he seemed too stupid. So she decided to make fun of him. "You know, how you operate on sick people? Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it."

Hawkeye and Trapper burst into boisterous laughter while Frank looked outraged.

"You, you…" Frank tried to find the words. "Guys!"

He charged off angrily, towards Henry’s office. Hawkeye and Trapper continued to laugh.

"He’s good with the comebacks," Adrienne said.

"Yeah, when he was growing up he wanted to be either a doctor or a comedian," Hawkeye told her.

"Which did he choose?" she asked.

Trapper and Hawkeye grinned.

"You’re going to fit in just fine," Trapper said.

Hawkeye put his arm around Adrienne’s shoulders. "Would you like to join us for a nightcap?"

"That’s real nice of you, but I’ll have to take a raincheck. I’m going to get something to eat. I’m starving."

"You’ll live to regret that," Hawkeye warned.

"If you get that far," Trapper added.

"I’ll see you later," Adrienne said, removing Hawkeye’s arm from her shoulders.

Hawkeye and Trapper shrugged and went inside the Swamp. Adrienne headed towards the mess tent. She held a glimmer of hope as she went in, that the food would be at least a little bit better than the 8063^rd’s menu. Fish, liver, liver, fish. Such a wide selection.

She got in line behind Radar, who was piling as much food onto his tray as he could. Adrienne was rather surprised. How could such a small person eat so much? Then again, he was a guy. She had a male cousin who could eat a three-tier wedding cake in ten minutes. It ruined her sister Jessica’s wedding.

"You wanna save a little for the rest of us?" Adrienne asked Radar, one eyebrow raised.

Radar frowned at her. "Cut it out!" He then continued getting his lunch.

Adrienne picked up a tray and looked over the food set up. Nothing particularly appetising.

"Can I interest you in some potatoes?" a man in a chef’s hat asked.

"Why not? I have suicidal tendencies sometimes," Adrienne replied with a shrug.

He dished out some roasted potatoes that actually didn’t look half bad. He then lifted a lid off of a plate and said…

"Fish or liver?"

Adrienne sighed. There it was.

"Got any kosher meals?" Adrienne asked.

The chef stared at her blankly.

"Fish."

He put the fish on her tray. She got some more food (including bread that could sand a piece of wood down to a toothpick) and coffee and joined Radar and Henry at one of the tables.

"Adrienne!" Henry greeted her. "Fitting in OK?"

"I haven’t had the chance yet," she replied. "But I’m sure it won’t take long. I’m a very likable person."

"Good!" Henry smiled and resumed eating.

Adrienne put a forkful of food in her mouth. She didn’t even have to chew before she realised how horrible it was.

"Oh my GOD!!" she yelled.

She managed to swallow it before she pushed the tray away. She opted for a cigarette instead. She took one from her jacket pocket, as well as a match. She struck the match with her thumbnail and lit up her cigarette. Radar and Henry watched open mouthed.

"If the food continues to be this bad I’m gonna end up losing weight again," Adrienne said.

"Again?" Henry asked.

"The first 2 months I was at the 8063^rd, I couldn’t keep anything down. I got so sick I lost 20 pounds," Adrienne explained.

"Wow," Radar said.

"Yeah. I have a sensitive stomach. The only sensitive part of my body," she said as she stubbed the cigarette out with her thumb and forefinger.

Henry and Radar gaped at her again.

Frank entered the Swamp, letter in hand. Hawkeye and Trapper looked up at him from their martinis.

"Hi, Frank!" Hawkeye greeted him.

"Hiya Frank!" Trapper greeted him as well.

"That was totally uncalled for," Frank snapped.

"Whatcha got there, Frank?" Trapper inquired with a grin.

"A letter from my wife," Frank replied indignantly.

He tore the envelope open and read the letter as Hawkeye and Trapper watched expectantly. As Frank got to the end of the letter, his upper lip disappeared.

"Bad news?" Hawkeye asked.

Wordlessly, Frank got up and left the Swamp. He headed straight to Margaret’s tent. The letter from his wife was bad. Very bad. Worse than bad.

Inside her tent, Margaret was just about to brush her hair. The peroxide she’d just applied to her roots had dried out, and she was going to give her hair 100 strokes. There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Margaret called out.

"Me!" Frank hissed from outside.

Margaret excitedly got up and opened the door. Frank entered with a solemn look on his face.

"Hi Frank," she said seductively.

Frank ignored her attempt. "Margaret, I have terrible news!"

"What is it?"

Frank handed her the letter. She unfolded it and began to read it. A huge grin spread across her face.

"Dear Frank," she read aloud. "I miss you, Sweetheart. But that doesn’t mean I’m not suspicious of what you’re doing. There are a lot of pretty girls in Korea, and it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that you’re only human. I love you, and as much as this pains me, I want a divorce. Please forgive me, but I can’t live like this anymore. Love Always, Louise!" She shrieked and threw her arms around Frank’s shoulders. "Frank, do you know what this means??" she yelled excitedly and held him at arm’s length.

"I’m going to have to pay alimony?" Frank guessed.

"We can get married! Just like we’ve always wanted!"

Margaret moved away from Frank and stared off into the distance. She began to imagine an elaborate church wedding, with her in a beautiful wedding dress and Frank in his uniform. Father Mulcahy was performing the nuptials and all the guests were in tears. Hawkeye and Trapper weren’t there and several of the nurses were Margaret’s bridesmaids. After the ceremony, Frank and Margaret ran from the church while the guests threw rice and cheered.

"Margaret?"

She was in her own world. "Dr and Mrs Frank Burns…"

She grinned while Frank stood behind her with a forlorn expression on his face.

Klinger walked into the mess tent and gained a few strange looks. Not because of his outfit, but because of his lack of one. Instead of wearing a bright dress, his usual choice of clothing, he was in his uniform. He spotted Radar stuffing liver into his mouth and quickly joined him.

"I’m gettin’ out of here!" he whispered excitedly.

Radar almost choked. He asked with a mouth full of liver, "Wha?"

"Everyone’s gonna think I’m completely loony!" Klinger explained. "They’re so used to seeing me in a dress, they’ll think I’m a nut without one!"

Radar stared at Klinger, unable to rationalise his thinking.

Adrienne sat across from them with a cup of coffee, her third. She took a sip and it was still terrible. She screwed up her face and put the cup down. She noticed Klinger and screwed her face up even more.

"Hey, where’s your dress?" she asked.

"I’m finally gettin’ out! This will get me a Section 8 for sure!"

Adrienne blinked. "I don’t follow."

"I wear dresses all the time," Klinger said, "and now everyone’s used to it. If they see me in uniform and acting normal, they’re going to think I’ve completely lost it!"

"Are you sure that will work?" Radar asked before shoving a whole roast potato in his mouth.

"I’ve tried everything to get out of here! I’ve tried to fly out, pretending I’m pregnant, anything I could think of and none of it worked!"

"And you believe this will," Adrienne said.

"It has to!" Klinger exclaimed, exasperated. "I don’t know what else to do!"

Adrienne shrugged. "Well, good luck. I think you’d have a better chance if you married a goat, but it’s up to you."

"Hey," Klinger realised. "That’s a good idea! I haven’t done that yet!"

He nodded to Adrienne in thanks and left the mess tent. Adrienne and Radar looked at each other.

"The saddest part is, he isn’t the weirdest person I know," she commented.

Radar smiled and continued eating. Adrienne sipped her coffee. It was still bad. She put the cup down. She was pretty sure she had some decent instant coffee still packed in her suitcase. If someone hadn’t stolen it.

Hawkeye sat alone in the Swamp after Trapper had been called to post op to check on one of his patients. Well, not quite alone. He had his old friend, Martini. He took a sip and savoured it. It was better than usual. That could have had something to do with the fact that Trapper had made it. He was always better at making them. Speak of the devil, Trapper trudged in and sat on his cot.

"Rough shift?" Hawkeye asked.

"Not really," Trapper answered. "Except for the head wound patient throwing up on me."

"Sounds fun," Hawkeye replied nonchalantly.

"Twice."

Trapper laid down on his cot and closed his eyes.

"What do you think of Adrienne?" Hawkeye asked out of the blue.

"She’s nice. Good doctor. Why?" Trapper didn’t add that he thought she was the prettiest girl he’d seen in… well, days.

"I was thinking…" Hawkeye grinned. "We haven’t properly welcomed her."

Trapper sat back up. "What did you have in mind?"

"My father sent me some super glue," Hawkeye smirked, "and I’ve been wondering what to do with it."

Trapper smirked, too. He was sure he knew where Hawk was going with this.

Frank sat on Margaret’s cot, distraught, having reread his wife’s letter for the twentieth time. He just couldn’t understand why she was doing this. He truly believed he had done nothing wrong. Of course, he was more concerned about losing his wife’s money than losing his wife herself.

"Why is she doing this to me?"

Margaret wasn’t listening. She was still imagining being Frank’s wife while pacing the tent.

"We can have a big church wedding! Father Mulcahy can perform the nuptials!"

"How could something as brave and noble as serving my country make her think such a thing?"

"Oh, Frank, we’re going to be so happy! Side by side, husband and wife… this war keeps getting better every day!"

They looked at each other.

"Oh, Frank!" Margaret exclaimed, excited.

"Oh, Margaret!" Frank exclaimed, devastated.

Margaret suddenly threw herself on him.

Adrienne jogged to Margaret’s tent from post op. She wanted to discuss the head wound patient they worked on. He wouldn’t stop throwing up and Adrienne was sure he’d picked up a post op infection. She’d given him a shot of Penicillin, but she wanted to discuss it with Margaret before she proceeded with further treatment. She went right in without knocking and saw more of Frank and Margaret than she cared to.

"OY!!!!!"

She quickly closed the door before she saw their reaction. Perhaps she could discuss the patient with someone else.

Adrienne walked uneasily to the mess tent. She figured she’d probably need something with a harder edge than coffee after what she just saw, but she didn’t have anything with her. She didn’t usually drink much, for fear of turning out like her mother.

She quickly went inside the tent and rushed up to the coffee urn. She poured herself a cup and gulped it down, almost choking as the stuff nearly melted her oesophagus. She poured another cup and sat down at one of the tables. Oh, that image would take a long time to forget.

"Something wrong?"

Startled, Adrienne looked up to see Trapper standing next to the table. He sat opposite her as she sighed.

"Did you know that Frank and Margaret… Do stuff…?" she trailed off, desperately not wanting to describe what she saw.

"Hot Lips and Ferret Face? Yeah, everyone knows about their doing stuff."

"Oh."

"But they think no one does."

"God," Adrienne said, raising her eyebrows. "Schmucks."

Trapper smiled. He felt almost guilty for what he and Hawkeye just did to her. Almost. He decided to change the subject.

"What’s your area of expertise?"

"Oh, uh, neurosurgery. Why I was sent to Korea. That reminds me, the head wound patient, Thompson, is still throwing up. I think he may have picked up a post op infection."

"That’s Frank’s area of expertise."

"After what I just saw, I think he should change his profession," Adrienne replied with a shudder. "Is there such a thing as a male Geisha?"

Trapper was just about to ask her if she was seeing anyone when some of the people in the tent erupted into wolf whistles. He turned around and saw something that scarred him for life.

Klinger. In a pair of black high heels. And only high heels. Adrienne stared wide-eyed for a moment before burying her face in her hands.

"Will it never end?!" she exclaimed, her voice muffled.

To make matters worse, Klinger jumped onto their table and began tap dancing. They looked away in disgust.

"Oh, as if the food wasn’t enough to make me lose my appetite!" Adrienne shrieked.

Klinger finished tap dancing and began doing the Charleston.

"That’s it," Trapper said, exasperated.

Trapper and Adrienne got up and ran out of the tent, leaving Klinger to entertain the troops, most of whom were cheering him on at this stage.

Adrienne came into her tent and turned on the light. She stretched her arms above her head. What a first day. And it wasn’t even over yet. She was about to lie down on her so-called bed when she realised she hadn’t finished unpacking yet.

"Oy Vey," she muttered.

She picked up her kimono from the bed and was surprised when she pulled the blanket off with it.

"What the…?"

She tried to pull the blanket and kimono apart. They were stuck together.

"You have got to be kidding!" Adrienne exclaimed in disbelief.

She dropped the conjoined blanket/kimono and grabbed the handle of her suitcase. She tugged on it and almost pulled her arm off. She tugged harder and ended up falling over. She quickly stood back up, anger welling up inside her fast. She tried to pick assorted things up.

Books on the shelf.

Glued down.

Coffee pot.

Glued to the footlocker.

Flashlight.

Glued to the centre of the tent on the floor.

Just about everything she owned was glued down. Her reading glasses, Harvard coffee mug, packets of cigarettes, framed photo of her sisters (that one angered her the most), the Army Officer’s Guide, and when she looked at the wall, she noticed that all of her matches had been glued on it to spell out, "Welcome to the 4077^th".

Growling, she opened her makeup bag, which just happened to be glued down on the nightstand, and pulled out a metal nail file. She began to try to chisel the coffee pot off of the footlocker.

"I’ll kill whoever the hell did this…"

As she chiselled away, two names suddenly popped into her head.

Pierce. McIntyre.

Dead. Men.

"ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL. TONIGHT, AT TWENTY TWO HUNDRED HOURS, LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE WILL BE GIVING A LECTURE ON VENEREAL DISEASE. DON’T MISS IT, IT’S BOUND TO BE A CLASSIC."

After spending the entire afternoon chiselling everything that had been glued down, Adrienne was ready for a break. And by the sound of it, Henry’s lecture was just the trick. She figured Hawkeye and Trapper would be there, and she decided to play it cool. She knew exactly what her revenge was going to be, after all, she’d had plenty of time to think about it, so there was no need to let them know that she knew it was them. Her revenge would be sweet.

She entered the mess tent. It was a full house. Hawkeye and Trapper were sitting up front, so she took a seat next to them.

"Hi," she smiled at Hawkeye. "What should I expect here?"

"Nothing," Hawkeye replied. "Nothing at all."

"Henry doesn’t seem like the lecturing type," Adrienne said.

"He’s not," Trapper replied. "This will be better than any movie you’ll ever see."

"Really? OK."

While the crowd was talking amongst themselves, Henry was up front, trying in vain to get their attention. He waved his arms about, hoping the visual distraction would get them to quieten down.

"Uh, could I have everyone’s attention?" he asked to no avail. "People, can I have some quiet?"

Everyone continued not paying attention.

Henry looked to his right hand man. "Radar?"

Radar stood on his seat. "Quiet," he said, barely raising his voice.

Everyone shut up.

"Uh, thanks, Radar," Henry said. He began uncomfortably, "Well, it’s that time again."

"Spring break’s here already?" Hawkeye immediately got stuck into him.

"Uh, no," Henry replied with an embarrassed chuckle. "Good guess. No, it’s time for my monthly lecture. Like I said last month, only the enlisted men need be here. Having said that, let’s move on to the lecture. Tonight’s subject is…"

"Yes, Henry?" Hawkeye prompted.

"Tonight’s subject is…" Henry repeated. He mumbled, "Venereal Disease."

"Sorry? I didn’t hear that," Hawkeye persisted.

"Venereal Disease!" Henry practically shouted, embarrassed as hell.

Everyone started giggling. Adrienne looked around, slightly confused. She didn’t find anything funny about VD. Unless they all knew something she didn’t.

"Now, come on," Henry soldiered on, so to speak. "This is important. The treatment of this subject is, uh… is… uh…"

"Is what, Henry?" Hawkeye inquired.

"I’ll answer questions later, Pierce."

"Will the answers make sense?" Trapper joined in.

The giggling continued. Adrienne joined in this time. She couldn’t help it.

"Uh, the treatment of…" Henry mumbled the next part, "VD," then continued normally, "is, uh, very detailed."

"How detailed?" Hawkeye interrupted again.

"Spare nothing!" Adrienne got into the spirit.

Everyone laughed, with the exception of Frank and Margaret, who just looked annoyed.

"We are trying to listen to this lecture!" Frank snapped.

"I’d say you have a good reason to," Adrienne muttered. Frank didn’t hear her, though.

"So are we," Hawkeye replied. "Who keeps interrupting?"

"You do!" Trapper said.

"Shut up, me!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"Uh, the treatment of VD—"

"You said that already!" Hawkeye yelled.

"Oh." Henry pulled some cards out of his pocket and reviewed them. He made sure he had the right words in the right order before putting them back. "We’ll skip the treatment part, I’m sure you know about that already."

"Speak for yourself!" Hawkeye joked.

Everyone was belly laughing by now. There was nothing like a lecture from good ole Henry Blake to boost morale.

"All that the Army asks is that you be careful. They don’t want you going home infected with…" he trailed off, "this. Now, I know we all have needs, but you can’t let that risk the health of your loved ones."

"Well said!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"Round of applause!" Trapper stood and began applauding. Everyone quickly joined him, again with the exception of Frank and Margaret.

Henry looked over to Radar, who had a look of utter enthrallment on his face.

"Radar, hear any choppers?"

"No, Sir."

Henry cleared his throat. "Dismissed!"

He ran out of the tent.

"Let’s hear it for Henry Blake!" Hawkeye shouted.

The entire mess tent erupted into cheers. Now Adrienne understood what was so funny about VD.

After the lecture, Adrienne returned to post op to check on Thompson. She hoped he was in better condition, she didn’t think he could go through another operation. She walked up to Nurse Baker, who was looking over Thompson’s chart.

"How’s he doing?"

"He’s stopped vomiting," Baker replied, "but he still has a high fever."

Adrienne sighed. Close but no cigar. "Keep him on the IV and let me know if his condition changes."

"Yes Doctor."

Adrienne was about to leave when she decided to check Thompson over before she left. She took Baker’s stethoscope and listened to his breathing. She didn’t notice Frank enter and approach her.

"Captain Jacobson," he said.

Adrienne glanced up at him. She fought back the overwhelming urge to call him Ferret Face. "Major Burns."

"I see you’ve been spending time with Captains Pierce and McIntyre. I hope they’re not corrupting you in any way."

"It’s too late, Major, I’m already corrupted. Did you know I crashed General Clayton’s jeep into my CO’s quarters at the 8063^rd?"

"What??" Frank yelled.

"Yeah. That’s why I was transferred here."

"You have no right being in the Army! You’ve disgraced those of us who—"

"Oh, lighten up, Ferret Face!" Adrienne cut him off, suddenly turning angry. Frank gasped. "I’ve had a really long day and I’m tired. I’m not in the mood for a lecture from the likes of you, so BACK OFF!"

She handed the stethoscope back to Nurse Baker and stormed out of the post op, Frank watching in shock. Nurse Baker covered her mouth, desperately trying to hide her giggling. She failed. Frank glared at her. She coughed and continued her rounds.

Adrienne walked through the camp, trying to calm down. She supposed she shouldn’t have yelled at Frank like that, but he was already grating on her last nerve and she hadn’t even gotten to know him yet. She saw Hawkeye and Trapper heading towards the showers and broke into a huge grin. Her opportunity to strike!

"Who’s your date with tonight?" Trapper asked Hawkeye as they made their way to the showers.

"Nurse Baker," Hawkeye replied with a smile.

"Didn’t you go out with her last night?"

"Yeah, but the show was so great, it requires an encore."

They went into the showers. Unbeknownst to them, Adrienne was right behind them, waiting for the right moment…

Hawkeye and Trapper took their robes off and hung them up, along with their towels. They stepped into the showers and started showering. As you do.

"Do you think Adrienne knows it was us?" Trapper asked.

"Nah," Hawkeye replied. "There are plenty of other people here who could have done it."

Trapper shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

While they weren’t looking, the door opened. Adrienne reached in and took their robes and towels. She smirked and quietly closed the door. She left the showers and went over to the flagpole. She removed the flag and replaced it with the robes. She went to the nurse’s tent. She decided she wanted some help with this.

Hawkeye stepped out of the shower and reached for his towel… which wasn’t there.

"Trap?"

"Yeah?"

"Looks like Adrienne knows it was us after all."

Trapper did a wide-eyed double take when he noticed the things that would cover his nakedness were gone. He got out of the shower, staring in disbelief.

"Should we make a run for it?" he asked.

"What choice have we got?"

"We could stay here until someone rescues us," Trapper suggested.

Hawkeye looked arrogant. "And end up looking stupid?"

Trapper gave him a look as if to say, "Too late!" Hawkeye’s shoulders sagged. He knew what they had to do. He opened the door a crack and peeked out. No one was around, so he and Trapper walked out. They still saw no one. They looked at each other and sighed with relief. They turned around to head back to the Swamp and came face to face with Adrienne.

"Hello boys," she smiled.

She looked Hawkeye up and down, then Trapper. She was mildly impressed. She put her thumb and forefinger in her mouth and whistled loudly. Suddenly, the lights came on. Hawk and Trap almost died when they realised that everyone in the camp was there. A couple of nurses raised cameras and began snapping photos.

"Revenge is sweet," Adrienne said proudly.

She winked and walked away.

"Damn, I’m good," she laughed to herself.

"ALL MEDICAL PERSONNEL REPORT TO THE OR IMMEDIATELY! CASUALTIES COMING IN! IT’S GONNA BE AN ALL NIGHTER, FOLKS."

Adrienne groaned. Her moment ruined.

Hawkeye, Trapper, Adrienne and Henry walked out of OR after spending three days in surgery. Adrienne was tired and wanted to go to bed. She kept her mouth shut, though because Hawkeye probably would have offered to go with her.

"How long were we in there?" she asked, stifling a yawn.

"Three days," Henry replied and walked off to his tent.

"God," Adrienne sighed.

Hawkeye stretched as they walked.

"You guys really let Frank have it!" Adrienne said to Hawk and Trap. "He doesn’t seem like that bad a doctor to me. He did his job, isn’t that enough?"

"If malpractice is his job," Trapper replied.

She thought Frank was a competent doctor, despite what Hawkeye and Trapper had said to him in surgery. She’d apologised to him during a break for yelling at him and he accepted. Of course, Hawkeye and Trapper ruined it when they grabbed him and shoved a spleen down his pants. He screamed like a girl, which reinforced her former theory that he was a moron. Still a competent doctor, but a moron nonetheless.

"In any case, I’ve never heard such classics!" Adrienne chuckled.

"Bob Hope asked us to tour with him," Hawkeye joked.

Adrienne started laughing, but stopped and crossed her arms. "I forgot, I’m still angry with you."

"Look, let’s call a truce, OK?" Trapper offered. "No more playing jokes on each other."

"Yeah," Hawkeye added. "Let’s find a common interest."

"Like what?" Adrienne asked suspiciously.

"Playing jokes on Frank," Hawkeye said matter-of-factly.

Adrienne pondered that for a moment, then grinned. She held her hand out.

"Truce!"

Each shook her hand and she smiled. She could tell she was going to have some fun with these guys. They would make the whole Korea experience a little easier for her. Or harder if they tried to make a move on her.

"If you’ll excuse me," she said, "I’m going to… my tent."

She walked away from them. She passed Father Mulcahy, whom she met in surgery when one of her patients required the Last Rites, and stopped. He was outside his tent, tending to his little garden.

"Very nice, Father," she commented.

"Thank you, my child," he smiled and stood up. "You did very good work in surgery."

"Thanks."

"Will I see you at Sunday’s service?"

"I’m Jewish, Father."

"I speak Hebrew."

Adrienne raised her eyebrows in surprise. "I don’t think the Catholics would appreciate that."

He laughed as she walked away. He was about to continue gardening when he noticed Klinger, who was wearing Scarlett O’Hara’s dress from the beginning of Gone With the Wind, running towards him.

"Good Lord," the Father muttered.

"Father," Klinger shouted. "I need to talk to you!"

"Come in, my son," Father Mulcahy replied, holding the door of his tent open. Klinger went inside and he followed.

"Father, I’m desperate!" Klinger said as he sat in a chair, the hoop of his dress turning up to reveal the bloomers he was wearing underneath. Mulcahy looked away. "I don’t know what else to do! I’m never gonna get out! I’ve tried acting crazy, not acting crazy and it just won’t work! I danced naked in the mess tent and no one even flinched! I can’t stay here any longer, I’ll go crazy for real! I need help!"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, my son," Mulcahy replied. "He may intervene when you least expect it."

"Don’t gimme that! I need something tangible, something that will get me a Section 8 faster than it took Noah to build the ark. Sorry, Father."

"That’s quite all right," Mulcahy said, a little stunned.

"I may as well just give up," Klinger said, dejected. "I’m never going to get out, so what’s the point?"

Mulcahy sighed. "Persevere, my son. Don’t give up. You never know, you might dance naked in the mess tent while General Clayton’s here and get your Section 8 after all."

Klinger’s face lit up. "Hey! That’s a good idea! Thanks Father!"

He got up and raced out of the tent, his faith restored. Father Mulcahy realised what he’d done.

"Oh dear."

Frank rushed to Margaret’s tent. He’d just gotten another letter from his wife and couldn’t wait to share it. He barged right in without knocking.

"Margaret!"

Margaret was plucking her eyebrows. When Frank yelled at her, she yanked a few out at once and hurt herself.

"What is it, Frank?"

"I have the most wonderful news!"

Margaret faced him with a huge grin plastered on her face. "You booked a church?"

"No…" Frank handed her his wife’s letter.

"Dear Frank," Margaret read. "I’m sorry for my last letter. I was too hasty. I know I can trust you. I don’t want a divorce. I love you and I love being your wife. I can’t wait until you get home so we can be together again. Love always, Louise." She got angrier as the letter continued. How dare this woman ruin her life?!

"Isn’t that great??" Frank exclaimed. "My darling wife doesn’t want a divorce!"

Margaret stood up and shoved the letter into his hands. She’d had enough of his "darling wife."

"Great?! It’s not great, Frank! Everything is ruined!"

Frank was confused. "Huh?"

"GET OUT!!!" she screamed. "OUT, OUT, OUT!!!!!!!"

She pushed Frank out the door and slammed it shut. Frank stood outside Margaret’s tent for a moment, utterly confused as to what just happened. His wife didn’t want a divorce. Isn’t that a happy occasion?

Hawkeye and Trapper chose that moment to walk by. Frank looked at them blankly.

"Trouble in paradise, Frank?" Hawkeye asked sarcastically.

"None of your beeswax!" Frank yelled and stomped away.

Hawk and Trap grinned at each other. Frank was always so amusing when he had a fight with Hot Lips.

Adrienne entered the Swamp. She took in the surroundings with disgust.

"So this is the Swamp, huh?" she said. "It’s awful!"

"Shh!" Hawkeye shushed her. "You’ll wake sleeping beauty."

He pointed at Frank, who was asleep in his bed.

"Buy you a drink?" Trapper asked Adrienne.

"No thanks," she replied. She added, deadpan, "I’m drunk on life, can’t you tell?"

Hawkeye and Trapper laughed softly so as not to wake Frank up.

"By the way," Adrienne said, digging into her jacket pocket, "I was thinking about our ‘common interest’…"

She pulled out some makeup and looked over at Frank.

"ATTENTION! MAJOR FRANK BURNS, REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO POST OP, ON THE DOUBLE!"

Frank quickly scrambled out of the Swamp and towards post op. All of the people he passed sniggered at him. What he didn’t know was that Hawkeye, Trapper and Adrienne had applied all of the makeup she’d brought to the Swamp. They were lucky he was such a heavy sleeper. He continued to post op and walked by them. They looked at each other, then him and saluted. He looked at them with curiosity.

Klinger walked past him, wearing a housecoat and curlers in his hair.

"I like that shade of lipstick on you, Sir," he commented.

Frank frowned. He touched his lips and was stunned when lipstick came off on his fingers. He looked at his nails. Polished. Hawkeye, Trapper and Adrienne were laughing their heads off by now. He glared at them.

They turned around and ran away.

"Welcome to the 4077th, Adrienne," Hawkeye laughed as they dashed into the Swamp.