Chapter 7

January 1958

Margaret tossed from side to side trying to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep.  She was eight months and three weeks pregnant and couldn’t sleep through the night anymore.  She was mad and sick of being pregnant.  She wasn’t angry at the baby; she was mad at her husband.  All they did was fight because he was the one that got her into that condition.  There were times that she knew how irrational she was being, but she didn’t care.  She felt better yelling at Hawkeye. 

Hawkeye would listen to her complain and brush off any mean word she said.  He saw the changes in her and he knew it was hard.  He couldn’t get mad because it wasn’t her talking; it was the hormones.  At least that was what he kept telling himself.

“Margaret,” he said through a yawn.  “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t get comfortable!”

Hawkeye rolled his eyes.  “I have to go to work in the morning and I can’t sleep when you’re tossing and turning.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“I know,” he rolled his eyes.  “It’s mine.”

She wasn’t going to argue there.  “Yes!”

“Lay on your left side.  I’ll rub your back for you.”

She did as he said and soon felt his hands on her lower back.  “Ah, that’s great.”

“Good.  Not much longer and we’ll be holding her.”

“I know,” she sighed.  “It’s hard to be this pregnant.”

“I’m sure it is, baby.”  She laid there and didn’t say a word for a few minutes.  Hawkeye started to feel her shaking a little and knew she was crying again.  “What’s the matter?”

She started to cry harder.  “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”  He had to be careful with her and say the right things, and that meant saying as little as possible.

“I’ve been so mean to you.”

“It’s okay.  I don’t mind.”

“I don’t want to mean to you.  You’re just there.”

“I know honey.  You can be mean to me all you want, but as soon as this baby is out you better be nice to me again.”

She smiled.  “I’ll try.”

“Don’t worry about it.  All you need to do is get through the next week.”

“Okay.  Can you do that until I go back to sleep?”

“If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll do anything.”

“I love you.”

He kissed her neck.  “I love you.  Try to get some rest.”

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A week passed and still there was no baby.  The doctor said to give it two weeks and if the baby didn’t come on its own then they would induce labor.  Margaret was very disappointed.  She went home after that appointment and cried.  Hawkeye stayed with her and told her things would be okay.  She was so emotional lately and he had to put up with it.  In a way this was like his first baby too.  With Danny’s mother, he wasn’t there for every step.  They didn’t live together. 

Hawkeye had a conference to go to, to make up for the one he missed in October.  He really didn’t want to go, but Margaret’s doctor told him that it would be okay, and Margaret told him to go.  She and Danny would be fine at home. 

He stood at the doorway and looked at her.  “Are you sure?  All you have to do is say the word and I’ll stay here.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled.  “Danny and I will be fine.”

“Maybe I should stay.  You said you weren’t feeling that great today.”

“Not much different then normal.  Just go.  You’re only a plane ride away.  If I need you, you can fly back and be here within two hours.”

He leaned in and gave her a kiss.  “You take care of yourself and my sons.”

She smiled.  “Son and daughter, you mean.”

“I told you it’s a boy.”

“You could be wrong.  It’s a 50/50 chance.”

“I’m not wrong.  I can feel it.”

She rolled her eyes.  “You better get going before you miss your plane.”

“Okay.”  He kissed her again and then gave his son a kiss.  “Be good, buddy.  Help Mommy out.”

“I will.”

“Good.”  Hawkeye looked at his very pregnant wife and gave her another kiss.  “I’ll call you when I get in.”

“Bye.  I love you.  Be safe.”

“I love all three of you,” he smiled and then turned to leave. 

Margaret and Danny sat down in the living room and watched TV.  Soon the two of them found themselves asleep on the couch.  When Margaret woke up, she woke with a start.  She felt terrible pain in her back.  At first she passed it off, but then it became persistent.  She got up and walked around leaving Danny asleep on the couch. 

She got herself a drink and hoped that it would pass.  She didn’t want to be in labor.  Her husband was out of the state and she didn’t want to be alone.  “Baby,” she looked down at her stomach.  “Your father isn’t here.  Please don’t do this to me.  I never thought I’d be asking you to wait, but please wait.”  Just then she felt another contraction.  “You’re not gonna, are you?”

Margaret searched the phone book for the number to the airline.  She was hoping now more than ever that there would be a delay at the airport.  She soon found out that there wasn’t.  Hawkeye’s plane was in the air heading to New York City.  “Damn it,” she slammed down the phone.  “I don’t want to do this alone.”

Danny walked into the kitchen rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  “What matter?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.  Can you go get your shoes on?”

“Where we goin?”

“You’re going to go to Mrs. Kemps, and I’m going to the hospital.  The baby’s coming,” she smiled.

He smiled brightly.  “Yay!”

“Can you get your shoes baby?”  She wanted to get him out of the room so she could make some more phone calls and she didn’t want him to see how worried she was.

“Okay.”

Margaret picked up the phone and dialed her sister’s number.  She needed to talk to someone who was thinking clearly because she herself was on the brink of panicking.  “Abby?”

Abby was confused.  “Maggie?”

“Oh god, I’m glad you’re home.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Hawk’s in a plane going to New York for a conference and I’m in labor.  Danny’s here with me.  What do I do?”

Abby smiled.  “First off all, you calm down.”

“Okay.”

“You need to get someone to take Danny.”

“I have someone.”

“Then call a cab and go to the hospital.”

“I don’t want to do this by myself.”

“Its okay, Maggie.  Call the airport that he’s landing at and tell them to grab him as soon as he gets off the plane and tell him that his wife’s in labor.  Hawkeye will be on the first plane home and will be there before you know it.”

“He better be.  He was there to put this baby in me, he better be there when it comes out.”

“He will,” Abby assured her.  “Now hang up with me and make your other calls and then get your fat ass to the hospital.”

“What?!”

Abby laughed.  “Just checking to see if you’re paying attention.” 

“Don’t call me fat ass!”

Abby smiled.  “Get off the phone!”

“Bye.”

“Call me when my niece is born.”

“I will,” she smiled.  “Thank you.”

Margaret hung up the phone and went strait to the phone book to call ahead to New York City so Hawkeye would know that she went into labor the second he got off the plane.  After that she got someone to come and get Danny and then she called a cab and was off to the hospital alone.

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Hawkeye stepped off the airplane and into the airport.  He heard his name being called over the intercom and went to see what that was about.  All he could think of was his wife, and his instincts were right.  “She what?”

“The note in front of me says that your wife went into labor.”

“What the hell?!”

“Is that bad?”

“She’s in Boston and I’m here.  When is the next flight back?”

The young woman looked too see.  “In two hours.”

“What?!  I need to get there right away.”

“I’m sorry sir.  You can check another airline.”

“I will.”

Hawkeye ran off to check on more flights.  After an hour of doing that, he found out that no planes were getting off the ground.  It was snowing and they wanted to wait for it to be safe before flying anymore planes.  Hawkeye went to the nearest pay phone and called the hospital.  He needed to tell her what was going on and see how she was doing.

Hawkeye got his call transferred to her room after yelling at a few people who tried to tell him that they couldn’t do that.  A nurse picked up the phone when it rang.

“Hello?”

“Is this Margaret Pierce’s room?”

“Yes.”

“I need to talk to her.  I’m her husband.”

“She’s been asking for you.  Hang on a minute and let her get through this contraction.”

Hawkeye felt horrible.  He could hear her breathing in the background.  The nurse gave Margaret the phone when she was done.  “Hawkeye?”

“Yes, baby.  How are you doing?”

“Alright.  Where are you?”

“I’m in New York at the airport.  The planes have been grounded.  It’s snowing out.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.  I could rent a car and be there in five hours.”

“But you said it’s snowing.  I don’t want you to be on those roads.  I want you to come home safe.”

“I shouldn’t have left.  I should have known better.”

“Hawkeye, it’s okay.  I pushed you to go.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.  I’ll keep calling you to check up on you.  I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Hang in there,” he said.

“Please get here safe.”

“Bye, baby.”

“Bye.”  Margaret handed the phone back to the nurse so she could hang it up. 

It was hours later and Hawkeye was still in New York.  They were keeping the planes grounded because of the snow.  He called his wife every half an hour to check on her.  He knew she was progressing pretty fast and her contractions were getting closer and closer.  He felt like an absolute idiot because he was out of town and left his over nine months pregnant wife at home alone.

More and more time went by and he finally got on a plane to go home.  He was on the runway for an hour before take off and then on the runway in Boston for another hour waiting for a hanger.  It was after 10PM and he knew he must have missed the birth of his child.  Margaret was 8 centimeters dilated when he got on the plane and it had been four hours since then.

When the plane finally let him off in Boston he grabbed his carryon bag and left his suitcase at that baggage terminal.  He didn’t want to wait for it; he didn’t have any more time to loose.  He pushed through all the people in the crowded airport and made his was to the road.  He pushed past everyone and hailed a cab.  He was yelling for five minutes before someone finally stopped.

“Boston Memorial as fast as you can,” he said as he jumped in the back seat.  After five minutes Hawkeye was ready to jump out of the cab.  “Can you go any faster?”

“The roads are a sheet of ice.  I’m going as fast as I can.”

“Fine!”  Hawkeye remembered his wife telling him to get there safely and he didn’t want to do anything that would change that.  After ten more minutes they were sitting still.  “Son-of-a-bitch!  Traffic!”

“I can see that,” the cab driver told him.  “There’s probably a few accidents out here on these roads.  People trying to get home in a hurry before the blizzard hits.”

“Let me out.”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s three blocks away.  I can walk there faster than you can get me there.”

“It’s freezing out.”

“I know.”  Hawkeye passed the man a wad of cash and jumped out and took off in a dead run towards the hospital.  It was dark and side walks were empty because it was so cold out.

Within minutes he was at the hospital and ran up the eight flights of stairs to the OB floor.  He stopped running when he got to the nurses station.  “Margaret Houlihan…ah, I’m Pierce,” he said out of breath.

“Who are you?”

“Her husband.  Did she have the baby yet?”

“Yes she did.”

His shoulders slumped.  “Damn it!  Can I see her?”

“Room 847.  Down the hall to the right and then all the way at the end of that hall on your left.”

“Thank you.” 

He took off in a run again.  When he found the room he knocked on the door but there wasn’t an answer.  He opened the door slowing to make sure that he had the right room and saw his wife sleeping peacefully.  He walked over to her bed quietly and placed a tender kiss on her forehead which caused her to open her eyes.

“Hi,” he smiled.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it.  I tried, I really did.”

“I know you did.”

He sat down on the bed facing her with her hands in his.  “How are you feeling?”

“Tired and wonderful.  Did you see the baby?”  She smiled.

“No, is it okay?”

“Perfect,” she beamed.

He smiled at her.  He had never seen her so happy.  “Boy or girl?”

“A perfect, gorgeous baby boy.”

He smiled ear to ear with his eyes shining.  “I knew it!”

“I know you did.  What time is it?”

“Almost 11PM.”

“They’ll bring him in any minute for a feeding,” she informed him. 

“What’s his name?”

“At the moment it’s Baby Boy Pierce.”

“Well, we need to change that.  He’ll get teased by all the other babies in the nursery.”

Margaret smiled at him.  “He’s so cute!  Wait until you see him.”

“Does he look like Danny?”

“A little.”

It dawned on him that he had no idea where Danny was.  “Where is he?”

“He’s spending the night at Mrs. Kemps.”

“Does she know you had the baby?”

“No.  She said she’ll keep him for the night and that it wasn’t a problem.”

“Okay,” he felt better about that.  He didn’t want to leave his wife and his newborn baby at the moment.  He wanted to at least see the child before he had to go.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.  You were alone.”

“Yes, but I’m okay.  I know you tried to get here.”

There was a knock on the door before Hawkeye could beat himself up anymore.  They both turned their heads to see who it was.  It was the nurse wheeling the baby in while he was lying in his bassinet. 

“Hi, we’re here to visit Mommy.”  Hawkeye jumped up and walked over. He picked up the baby before the nurse made it halfway into the room.  “Dr. Pierce, you made it,” she smiled. 

“I did.”  He didn’t pay much attention to her because all of his attention was on the baby.

The nurse walked over to Margaret, “I’ll be back to get him in an hour.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.  The nurse left and Hawkeye was still standing in the same spot looking over the baby.  “Come sit down,” she said to him.

He glanced up at her and then walked over to the bed and sat down.  “He’s perfect.”  He had tears in his eyes looking at his child.  “Look what we made.”

She smiled and brushed a gentle finger across the child’s face.  “I know.  Isn’t he the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Hawkeye smiled at her.  “He is pretty damn cute.”  He removed the hat from the child.  “No hair.”

“No,” Margaret said. 

Hawkeye looked him over.  “He’s got plenty of rolls.”

Margaret slapped him on the arm.  “Hawkeye!”

“What?  It’s cute!”

“You better think so.”

He leaned in and gave her a kiss.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too buddy,” he said to the baby.  “You need a name.  We need to tell your big brother about you and he’s gonna want to know what your name is.”  Hawkeye smiled at Margaret.  “I can’t wait to tell Danny that he has a brother.  He’s gonna love it!”

“I know.  You should get him in here tomorrow if you can.”

“I’ll try.  Now, about that name.  You got any ideas?”

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From the day they brought the baby home life had never been the same.  No one slept through the night including Danny.  Margaret and Hawkeye took alternating turns getting up with him, but by the second week it was just Margaret getting up with him.  She was a wreck and hadn’t slept 3 strait hours for over a month.  Matt had colic and spent most of the night screaming.  He would start at 6PM faithfully and scream until midnight when he fell asleep.  Margaret started to wonder what she had gotten herself into.

Life had become something foreign to her.  She woke up at the crack of dawn each morning after going to bed to at midnight and waking up with him for a 3AM feeding.  When he woke up in the morning, he was a different baby.  She would feed him and he would go back to sleep for two hours while Hawkeye was getting ready for work and she was getting breakfast for Danny.

The rest of the day was much better, but because she was so tired it was a blur.  The baby was happy and would sleep on and off.  As soon as Danny was down for his afternoon nap Margaret would go lay down and see if she could get some sleep to reenergize herself for the evening of screaming that she always knew would come.  She needed that rest to make it through the night with the baby.

By the time Hawkeye would come home the baby was fussy and wanted only his mother.  He would scream on and off in her arms, but if his father took him he would scream constantly.  Hawkeye felt like his own son didn’t know him or even like him for that matter.  Hawkeye would see how Matt was during the day on the weekends and he could never believe that it was the same baby when the sun went down.  During the day he was happy and easy going.  At night he was anything but.  A lot of times Hawkeye would take Danny and the two of them would leave for a couple of hours because they couldn’t take it any longer.  Life was not how anyone had pictured it; it was a mess.  Margaret was always tired and in a bad mood when it came to Hawkeye.  Having a baby wasn’t easy and it changed everything.

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Middle of March 1958

Margaret had Matt in her arms and was getting lunch for herself and Danny.  Matt was quiet as he usually was during the day.  He was looking around at things and being an angel.  The phone rang just as she was about to sit down at the table.  She placed the baby in his chair that was sitting in the center of the table and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey.”

“Mom,” she smiled. 

“How are you?”

“Tired.  You?”

“I’m fine,” she smiled.  “I heard you were tired.  I’m going to give you a little break.  I’m coming to see you next weekend.”

“What?”

“After talking to your sister I think it’s time you took a little break.  Don’t feel like you have to entertain me.  I’m coming to help you out.”

Margaret smiled.  “That sounds great.”

“Good.”  Kate was glad to know that her daughter wasn’t refusing help like she usually did.  She thought she must be desperate.  “It’s awfully quiet there.”

“That’s because it’s day time.  Call after the sun goes down and you’ll think you reached hell.”

Kate laughed.  “It can’t be that bad.  You’re exaggerating.”

“Am I?  Matt’s screaming, Danny starts whining, and Hawkeye comes home and does nothing.  He won’t even take the baby for me so I can eat.  I have to eat with a screaming newborn in my arms.  He goes to bed at 10PM and I get there around 1AM and wake up again at 3AM and then when I get up at 6AM, I’m up all day unless the boys let me take a nap which doesn’t happen very often.  Hawkeye does nothing.  Sometimes he even has the nerve to leave.  He’ll take Danny with him and they go do something.  I can’t leave at all.  He never stays home so I can get a break.”

Kate listened to her daughter go on.  She knew she needed it.  “You never go out?”

“Never!  And I don’t know why he won’t stay with the baby.  He raised Danny on his own so it’s not like newborns scare him.”

“I’ll be there Friday morning.  Saturday you can sleep in and go out somewhere with your husband.”

“Thank you so much.”

“How are the babies?”

“At the moment they’re perfect angels.  Danny’s eating lunch and Matt is sitting in his baby seat looking at me.”

“Awww,” Kate smiled.  “What does he look like now?”  She had come to visit two weeks after the baby was born, but hadn’t seen him since.  He was now 6 weeks old.

“I think he has his father’s eyes, still no hair, but other than that he looks like a Houlihan.”

“Uh oh.”

“What?”

“He’s gonna be a big boy and if he’s anything like the rest of you Houlihan’s he’s going to have a stubborn streak a half a mile wide.”

“For now he’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.  He has the chubbiest little cheeks you’ve ever seen and they’re perfect.”  Margaret smiled looking at her son.

“I can’t wait to see him.”

“I can’t wait to sleep past 6AM.”

Kate laughed.  She remembered those days with a colicky baby well.  “Hang in there honey, and have a bed ready for me.”

“I will.  Thank you, Mom.”

“No problem.  I love you and tell the boys I love them and give them both a kiss from me.”

“I will.  Love you.”  Margaret hung up the phone and looked at the baby in front of her.  “Mommy is so happy.  Grandma is gonna come and see us and help me for a few days.  What do you think of that?  Are you gonna smile for me?”  He looked at her and a smile started to spread across his chubby face.  He had just started to smile within the last couple of days.  “Aww, you’re such a good boy.”

Danny looked at his mother.  “Grammie comin’?”

“Uh huh.  She said she loves you and to give you a kiss from her.”  She leaned over and gave the child a kiss on the head.  The rest of his face was covered with food.  She looked at the baby.  “And she said the same to you.”  She gave him a kiss and then stood up to get her lunch.

Hawkeye came home a little after 6 and the baby was already screaming.  Danny was eating dinner at the table by himself while Margaret was walking around trying to calm the baby.  Hawkeye sat his things by the door and walked over to Danny.  “Hi buddy.”

“Hi.  We go out?”

“I don’t think so.  We went out last night.” 

“Okay.” 

Margaret looked at Hawkeye.  “Eat your dinner because I have something for you to do after.”

“Okay.”

Margaret walked away with the baby and sat down on the couch.  She had him laying on his stomach on her lap while she rubbed his back.  It usually calmed him down for a while and it was working at the moment.

When Danny was done he walked into the living room to see his mother.  “I’m done.”

“Go get your shoes on.”

“Why?”

“Just go get them on.”

“Okay.”  He walked away and did what she said.

Margaret stood up and held the baby on her arm so he was resting on his stomach.  She walked into the kitchen and saw Hawkeye putting his dishes in the sink.  He looked at her and smiled.  “Hi.  He’s calmed down.”

“For now.”  She sat down in the chair and placed the baby on her lap like she had him in the living room.  “My mother called me today.  She’s coming Friday to stay with us for the weekend.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  She’s gonna help me with the baby for a few days so I can get some rest.”

“That’s nice of her.”

“Yes.  How was your day?”

“Same as always.  How were the boys?”

“Great until an hour ago.”

“I could hear when I came in.”

Danny walked into the kitchen.  “Done Mommy.”

Hawkeye looked at her strangely not knowing what was going on.  Margaret stood up and handed the baby to him.  “He’s all yours for a few hours.  I’m going out.”

“What?”

Margaret walked toward the door with Hawkeye hot on her heals.  She helped Danny on with his coat.  “You heard me.  I’m going out like you do and leaving you with a screaming baby.  You can take care of a newborn.  You did it alone 3 years ago and I know you remember how.  Danny and I need to get out of the house.”

“Margaret…”

“I pumped some breast milk, it’s on the refrigerator.  I’m going.”  She grabbed her coat and purse and gave the baby a kiss.  “Bye baby.”  Then she and Danny were out the door.

Hawkeye was stunned.  She had never done that before.  He had never stayed alone with the baby and she had never been without the baby before.  He looked at Matt with wide eyes.  “What just happened?”  Matt’s lip started to quiver and then he started to scream again.  “No, don’t do that.  I can’t stand it when you do that.  What’s the matter?  You have to tell me.  I’m a doctor and I can’t stand it when I can’t fix something.”

Hawkeye talked and walked with his screaming newborn son for three hours.  Matt wouldn’t stop screaming even for two minutes.  Hawkeye didn’t know what to do.  He had never been left alone like that.  He had this tiny baby in his arms that wouldn’t stop screaming.  He didn’t know how his life ended up like that.

Margaret and Danny came home at 9PM.  Danny was half asleep when they walked in and was ready for bed.  He sat down on the floor as soon as he got inside and started to take off his shoes.

Hawkeye raced to the door where his wife was.  “Thank God you’re home.  He hasn’t stopped screaming.”

“It’s always that way.”

“No!  Not like this.”  He handed the baby over to her after she had her coat off.  “I can’t take anymore.”

“Where are you going?”

“For a walk.  I need to clear my head.”

“What?”

“Margaret, he’s been screaming.  I was the only one home.   I’m leaving.  Goodnight Danny.”

“Night Daddy.”

Margaret stood with her mouth open when the door shut.  “What the hell?”  She looked down at the baby.  “I know honey.  You don’t like the night time.  Mommy doesn’t either.”  She looked at Danny.  “Go get your pajamas on and get into bed.  I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Okay.”

Margaret bounced the baby for a few minutes while she fixed him a bottle of milk she had pumped earlier.  “I know baby.  I know you’re mad.  You don’t like it at night.  It’s okay baby.  Momma’s here and nothing is gonna happed to you.”  He started to quiet down as she talked to him.  “Did you miss me tonight?  I missed you even though I knew you were here screaming.  Do you think you can be calm for a few minutes while we say goodnight to your big brother?”

Margaret put Danny to bed and then gave the baby a bottle.  That was what he wanted and he dozed off for a half an hour before waking up again.  He wasn’t nearly as bad when his mother was there as long as she held him close and talked to him.

Hawkeye walked into the house at 11PM and saw Margaret sitting on the couch with the baby in her arms.  He was asleep and she was starting to doze off but perked up when she saw her husband walk in.  He knew he was in trouble, but there was no turning back now.

“Hi.”

“Come sit down,” she said evenly.

Hawkeye sat down in the chair across from her and looked at her.  “Sorry about tonight.”

“You should be!”  She said lowly.  She didn’t want to disturb the baby.

“I know!”

“Why the hell did you walk out like that?”

“I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Hawkeye, I’m left with this every night and there are a lot of nights that you leave me all alone.  You don’t do anything to help.”

“Margaret, he doesn’t want me.  He wants you.  I can’t do anything about that.  I’m here on the weekends and I love to see that side of him, but I can’t stand it at night.”

“He’s the same baby at night that he is during the day.  He has colic.  All we can do is comfort him.”

“I know, but I want to fix it.  I’m a doctor.  I have a need to fix things.  You don’t understand.”

Margaret’s eyes grew wide and looked like they were ready to throw fire.  “I don’t understand?  My child is crying like he’s hurting and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it!  You don’t think I want to fix that?”

“I do.  Margaret, I can’t help it.  I can’t take this like you can.  Danny was nothing like this.  He didn’t cry all night.”

“Matt isn’t Danny.  You didn’t expect them to be the same, did you?”

“No.  Listen, I have to go to work in the morning.  I’m going to bed.”

She rolled her eyes and didn’t say anything else.  She was mad and it wasn’t the time to fight.  The baby was asleep at 11PM and that was the earliest he had ever gone to sleep, and she didn’t want to ruin that.  She wanted him to stay that way for as long as possible.

Margaret walked into her bedroom and laid the baby in the bassinet that was next to her side of the bed.  Then she laid down on her side with her back turned to her husband.  Hawkeye was the same way making sure to leave plenty of space in between them so they wouldn’t touch. 

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Margaret’s mother arrived Friday morning and she took a cab strait to her daughter’s place.  She knew Margaret had her six week appointment to make sure things were right with her, and she told her daughter that she would be there in time to watch the boys so she could go. 

Margaret didn’t get to visit with her mother very long before she had to go.  Kate told her to take her time and not to worry about the boys because she had it under control.  And she did.  Danny knew her and he was always on his best behavior when someone else was around because if he wasn’t he knew he would get in trouble.  Matt was the perfect baby during the day so he was fine too.  Kate had a good time with her grandsons.

It was close to 2PM and Margaret thought she better get home.  She had been gone for four hours.  Her mother told her to stay out a while longer and take some time to herself.  She stopped and got a manicure and a pedicure while she was out.  It was the first time she did anything for herself since the baby was born.  She needed to do something without the boys.

She loved her children with all her heart, but there were times that she needed a break.  Her husband was no help when it came to that.  He seemed to be scared of their son and she was angry at him for that.  Matt was their baby and Hawkeye wouldn’t even hold him unless it was on the weekend.  He took no initiative to get to know the baby and bond with him and Margaret couldn’t figure out why.  And frankly, she didn’t care.  No matter what the reason he was in the wrong because there wasn’t a thing a 6 week old baby could do to deserve what Hawkeye was doing to him.

Maybe she and Matt would have been better off alone.  She was raising him on her own as it was now along with Danny.  Hawkeye was still there for Danny, but when it came to Matt it was a different story.  She started to reason it was because of her relationship with Hawkeye.  They were distant now.  When the baby first came home he would try to help.  When they were sleeping, he would hold her.  When he left for work or came home he would give her a kiss.  All of that disappeared.  Because she wasn’t on the best terms with him, he wasn’t trying to bond with their son.  She didn’t want that to be the reason. 

She would leave him if she had to for the baby’s sake.  Her life was that child.  Danny was the one that would get hurt and she hated the thought of that.  He was also her child and she loved him with all her heart and she didn’t want to hurt him.  She still loved Hawkeye, but she wasn’t so sure he loved her or the baby.

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When Margaret walked into the house that afternoon Danny met her at the door with a smile on his face and his arms in the air.  “Mommy!”

“Danny!”  She mocked his excitement.  “Did you have fun?”

“Yep.”

“Did you take a nap?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”  She gave him a kiss and sat him back down on the floor.  “Where’s Grammie?”

“Changin’ Matt’s diaper.”

“Oh.”  She took her coat and shoes off at the door and went toward the kitchen.  “What did you have for lunch?”

“Mac-roni and chesse.”

Margaret smiled and opened the refrigerator.  She grabbed a bottle of water and something quick to eat.  “Do you want a snack?”

“Some grapes,” he smiled.

Margaret took out the grapes and the two of them sat down at the table.  “Was Matt a good boy today?”

“Uh huh.  He don’t even cry.”

“Good,” she smiled.  She looked at her mother as she walked into the kitchen and stood up.  “Hi.  How were they?”

“Fine.  They both went right to sleep after lunch just like you said.”

Margaret took Matt into her arms and smiled at him.  “Were you a good baby for Grammie?  She said you were.”  He smiled up at her with his big toothless grin.  “I missed you today, but I had a good time.”

“What did you do?”  Kate asked.  Margaret showed her mother her hands and her feet.  “Nice.  Did you stop by and see your husband?”

“No.  Why would I do that?”

Kate sat down at the table and began picking at the grapes with Danny.  “Because you need to talk you him.  You can’t let your problems build up because then something that started out simple will blow up in your face.”

“I know.  I don’t know what to say to him.”  She sat back down at the table and cradled the baby in her arms. 

“Why don’t the two of you go out tonight?”

“No.  I want to sleep tonight.”

“You’re not going to be able to sleep with your baby crying.”

“I know,” she sighed.  “I just don’t want to go out tonight.  I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now.”

“You’re never in the mood to talk about what you’re feeling.  If you wait that long your marriage will be long over.”

“I know.  Now isn’t the time to bring everything out.  I’m not ready to add that onto everything else right now.  He’ll have to wait.”

“Don’t let it go too long.  He’s a good man and he’s a very good father.”

“Yeah, to Danny he is.  To Matt, he’s a weekend father.”  She saw that her mother was about to say something to defend Hawkeye so she changed the subject.  “Do you mind if I go take a quick nap?  I’ll stay up with the baby tonight and you can get up with him at 6AM.”

“That’s fine.  Go take a nap.”

“Thanks.”

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When Hawkeye came home that night Matt was already screaming and Margaret was walking the floors with him.  Kate was in the kitchen with Danny and they were making dinner.  He saw Margaret and walked over to give her a kiss, but she turned her head and he kissed her cheek instead.

“How was your day?”

“Fine,” she answered.  “How about you?”

“Same as always.  Is your mother here?”

“She and Danny are making dinner.”

Hawkeye walked into the kitchen and smiled.  “Oh, there’s my favorite mother-in-law.  How are you?”  He asked as he gave her a hug.

“Good.  How about you?  How’s life treating you?”

“Ah,” he smiled.  “Its been better, but it’ll get better soon.”

“As soon as that little guy in there learns to stop screaming all night, right?”

“Right,” Hawkeye nodded.  He looked over at his son.  “Hi buddy.”

“Hi.”

“What are you making?”

“Supper,” he smiled.  “Want some?”

“When it’s done.”

“Okay.”

Kate smiled and looked at Hawkeye.  “I have something you can do.”

“What’s that?”

“Come here.”  She pulled him to stand next to her in the doorway that led to the living and dining area.  “You see that look on her face?  Do you recognize it?”

“Like she’s ready to cry or pull her hair out?”

“Yes,” she nodded.  “When you see that look on her face, you need to take that baby from her and give her a break.”

“But he just screams more when I take him.”

“Doesn’t matter.  He needs to know you can comfort him as well as his mother.  And you need to give her a break from it.”

“I’ll take him, but wait until you see what he does.”  Hawkeye walked away and over to his wife.  She looked at him with surprise as he started to take the baby away from her.  “Shh, little guy, Daddy’s here.  Let’s let Momma have a few minutes away from this crying.”

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you.”

She didn’t know what to say, but she knew her mother put him up to it.  Either way she wasn’t going to turn down the offer.  “Oh.”  Margaret walked away and let him pace the floors with Matt.  She walked into the kitchen.  “What was that all about?”

“He’s being a father to that child.”

“Good.  What can I help with?”

“Set the table.”

Kate and Margaret heard the baby start to scream bloody murder.  Kate looked at her daughter in horror.  “This is what he does,” she told her.  “Whenever Hawk takes him for more than a couple of minutes, he screams so much and so loud that he starts to hyperventilate.”

Kate looked in on Hawkeye and saw that he had the baby lying stiffly on his shoulder.  “Hawkeye’s uncomfortable with him, that’s why.”

“I know, Mom.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t worry about Hawkeye’s issues right now!”

“I know.  You don’t have to get an attitude.” 

“Sorry.  Let me go get the baby before he gets himself more upset.”  Margaret placed the silverware on the table and went to her husband.  “I’ll take him.”

“He hates me,” Hawkeye said.

“No he doesn’t.”  She cradled the baby in her arms and held him closely.  He started to calm down once he realized it was his mother, but calming down didn’t consist of stopping the crying.  “You can go eat.  I’ll eat later.”

Hawkeye didn’t say anything and walked into the kitchen.  He passed Kate on her way out.  “Dinner’s on the table,” she said.

“Okay.”  Hawkeye sat down and dished out a plate for Danny and himself.  “Did you help make dinner?”

“Uh huh,” the child smiled proudly.

Margaret walked into the room and sat down at the table.  “Mom has the baby so I can eat.  She said we should eat dinner together.”

“Oh,” he said.  “I think we should.  It’s been a long time.”

“I know it has.”

Hawkeye watched her in silence for a few minutes while he thought about things.  He missed his wife so much.  He missed his best friend and the person he used to laugh with.  He knew she was still in there somewhere, but he couldn’t find her.  Everything he did seemed to bury that part of her deeper and deeper.  He wanted and needed to find the woman he loved. 

“Margaret,” he started.

“Yes?”

“Will you go with me tomorrow night?”

“I thought we were getting out together.”

“I know, but I want you to go with me.  I want Margaret Houlihan Pierce to be the woman sitting across from me at the table.”

“What are you talking about?”

He sighed.  “Never mind.”

“Fine.”

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The next evening Margaret and Hawkeye left the house before Matt started cry.  He was slowly getting better about crying, but he still cried for at least 4 hours each night.  Danny wanted to go with his parents, but he wasn’t allowed to go.  He was pouting when they left, but got over it soon.

Hawkeye saw this as a time to get through to his wife and talk to her.  He missed her and he wanted her to know that.  He took her out to dinner and at first the conversation was minimal.  Margaret answered his questions, but didn’t say much else. 

“Oh, you had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, how did it go?”

“Fine.  Everything is fine.”

“That’s good.  Maybe we could...you know…”

Margaret rolled her eyes.  “Physically I’m fine to start having sex again.”

“But?”

“I don’t have to say it.  You know what’s wrong.”

“We need to talk.”

“Yes.”

Hawkeye looked into her eyes for a moment.  “What happened to us?”

“We had a baby for starters.”

“Yes, one that hates his father and screams all damn night.”

“It’s not his fault, and he doesn’t hate you.  He just doesn’t know you.”

“Margaret, I love the kid, I really do.  I love him with all my heart and soul and would do anything for him.  He just doesn’t like me.”

“That’s not true and you know it.”  She hated when he said that.  Their baby didn’t hate him and he knew that.  “You don’t hold him, Hawkeye.”

“I do too.”

“Maybe on a weekend afternoon or something.  Anyone could do that.  For all he knows you could be a neighbor or a babysitter.”

Hawkeye took a couple of breathes.  “Matt cries when I pick him up.”

“Because you’re uncomfortable with him.  He can sense that.  Be like you are with Danny.”

“Margaret, he’s not Danny.”

“That’s right.  He’s Mathew Alvin Pierce, not Daniel Sherman Pierce, but he’s your son too.”

“You make it sound like I don’t love him.”

Margaret stared at him for a moment.  “I know you love him,” she finally said.  “You need to let him feel that.  He needs you too.”

Hawkeye didn’t know what to say.  He knew that he didn’t have a relationship with his youngest child and that it was his fault.  He just didn’t know what to do when the baby started to scream and wouldn’t stop.  “What can I do to make it better?”

She gave him a small smile.  He was willing to start to change things.  “Spend time with him during the day.  Come home at lunch and see how he is.  He’s fun and loving.  He smiles at you and all he wants to do is be held.  Hawkeye, he’s a perfect little baby and you’re missing it.”

“I know.  I don’t want to.”

“Then change.  He can’t, so its up to you.  You’re missing out on him.”

“I know.”

The waiter appeared at their table with the check and handed it to Hawkeye.  “Have a nice night.”

“Thank you,” Margaret said.  “What are your plans for tomorrow?”  She asked Hawkeye.

“Nothing.”

“It would be a good day to get to know that baby.  Do you want to stay home alone with him?”

His eyes widened in horror.  After the last time he left him alone with the baby, he never wanted to do it again.  “Not really.  Did you want to go somewhere?”

“No.”

“Stay home with us.”

“I will.”

“Don’t leave us; we might need you.”

“I’ll stay home.”

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After they were done with dinner Hawkeye wasn’t ready to go home.  He wanted to spend time with her alone and convinced her to go out to a movie with him.  By the time the previews were over she was asleep with her head resting on his shoulder.  He didn’t realize she was that tired. 

When the movie was over, he woke her up and they walked home.  He started to feel a little better about the two of them because at least now they were touching.  She was allowing him to hold her hand as they walked down the street.  The baby was something that was keeping the two of them apart.  Matt needed his mother so she didn’t have any time for her husband.  Hawkeye was very happy that he had a mother to cling to because Danny never had that when he was a baby.  All he had was Hawkeye and his sitter. 

“Listen.”  Hawkeye said as they walked up to the door leading into their apartment.

“I don’t hear anything,” she whispered.

“I know,” he smiled.  “What time is it?”

Margaret looked at her watch.  “11PM.  Mom must have gotten the baby to sleep early.  He’s been doing that a few times this week.”

“Hopefully that means he’s getting out of the colicky stage.”

“Yeah.”  She walked inside when he opened the door for her.  “They’re all asleep,” she whispered.

“Let’s go to bed.”

The two of them went to bed and went right to sleep.  None of their problems had been resolved, but they were working on it.  Margaret needed to see Hawkeye form a relationship with the baby.  If he couldn’t do that, then she couldn’t stay with him.  She needed to do what was best for her child and she wanted Hawkeye to be part of that but he had to show her that he was.

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Kate left Monday morning and things went back to the way they were before with one exception.  Hawkeye was trying to get to know the baby and help out more with him.  He did come home for lunch and would help Margaret at night when the baby was crying.  He still had a hard time with all of it, but Matt was getting to know him as his father and that was what mattered.

Their marriage was another story all together.  They weren’t the same couple that they used to be.  Most of the time they weren’t even a couple; at least they didn’t act like it.  They didn’t do anything together.  There was no intimacy to their relationship at all.  Sometimes Hawkeye would wake up with her in his arms, but that was it, and it was an unconscious move.  That was as close as they got. 

Margaret was wondering what she was doing living like that.  She new it wasn’t right, but she didn’t know how to change it.  Taking care of a colicky baby took all she had and she didn’t have anything left to give when it came to Hawkeye.  She loved him, but she was confused and she was tired.  She didn’t know if what she was doing was right or wrong anymore.  Something was wrong, but neither seemed to have the energy to fix it at the moment.