Woody Allen

Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!

In my family, the biggest sin was to buy retail.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.