Short & to the Point

•  The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.  When
   they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and
   listened.
   "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
   "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
   "Face sticky."
  
  

•  A contractor pulls up outside his client's office in his brand new Merc
   500SL. As he's getting out, a truck comes round the corner and rips the
   driver's door off.

         Immediately the contractor whips out his Nokia 9110 and zaps a digital
         Image of the damage to his insurance company. He then calls the police.
         When an officer arrives, the contractor starts to rant, "I want this man caught!

         Look what he's done to my car. Even when it's repaired it will never be the same!"

         "Honestly," replies the policeman, "you contractors are so materialistic!
         You're so concerned about the car, you've not even noticed you've lost
         your left arm below the elbow."

         The contractor stares, horrified, at the bloodied stump, "Shit," he
         shouts, "where's my Rolex?"

• Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:
  
  According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no
  signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
  
  Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
  that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some
  of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!)
  going for a song.
  
  Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office
  staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
  something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get
  a raw deal.
  
  

• A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
  altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
  further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
  
  The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet
  above this field."
  
  "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
  
  "I am. How did you know?"
  
  "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to
  anyone."
  
  The man below says, "You must be in management."
  
  "I am. But how did you know?"
  
  "You don't know where you are, or where you're  going, but you expect me
  to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met,
  but now it's my fault."

• To do is to be. -Descartes

        To be is to do. -Voltaire

        Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

• When Johnny first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
  erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But, after several weeks,
  his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Johnny became quite concerned,
  so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.  After an initial examination,  the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Johnny's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. 
  
  "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
  
  "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
  
  "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Johnny's legs,
  aren't you ?"
  

• Apparently, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster.
  
  There were only two potential donors -- one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.

• A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never
  work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf
  nurse.
  
  One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and
  led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
  
  "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
  
  Blushing the man drops his trousers.
  
  "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
  
  "Really?" the relieved elf asked.
  
  She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
  
  

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