No Speaka Da English!

"Bite the wax tadpole."
-Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
-In a Tokyo Hotel

"Please to bathe inside the tub."
-In a Japanese Hotel Room

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
-In a Paris Hotel Elevator

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
-In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
-In a Rome laundry

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

"Stop: Drive Sideways."
-Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

"Special today---no ice cream."
-In a Swiss mountain inn

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
-In a Tokyo bar

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-In a Japanese Hotel

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
-On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
-On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
-In a Hong Kong supermarket

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

"Drop your trousers here for best results."
-In a Bangkok dry cleaners

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
-In a Rhodes tailor shop

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
-From the Soviet Weekly

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
-In an East African newspaper

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
-In a Vienna hotel

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel