Mark Twain

I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.

The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.