Groucho Marx

I never forget a face - but in your case I'll make an exception.

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to a club that will accept me as a member.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Time wounds all heels.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case of divorce and so will my wife.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you -- he really is an idiot.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.