nikki

nikki - i could write a book about nikki. she and i were born next door to each other. we've been friends our entire lives. certain periods of time we've been closer than others. right now, we're not so good. if you give nikki two options concerning her life, one to make it easier, and one to make it harder - she'll inevitably choose the latter. i'm not sure what it is about her. i look at her life, and i think...."that sucks." i would never want to be her. she seems miserable most of the time. she tells me to think before i have children, because they're so hard, but then plans to have another child herself - to an unhappy and unfinancially stable marriage.

she was married to sam for awhile. now she has no contact with him, except through me. she has a tendency to chameleon herself to whomever she's dating.  currently she has a religious streak that i don't understand because of her husband, whom i don't really know.  she doesn't seem to have a real core of self at all. i've known her for this many years, and i still am not sure if i've seen it. i've caught her on lies involving drugs and men - it's almost as if she sees me as an authority figure.

to her defense, she was definately an abused child. both of her parents are alcoholics. her mother verbally assaulted her, and her father never put a stop to it. as a child her mother would never let her do the things the rest of us could do - like have a sleepover. she was grounded for, like, 70% of her childhood.... for really stupid things, like forgetting her housekey at a friend's two doors down.

i'm torn when it comes to nikki... part of me wants to cut her out of my life for good. i feel she's old enough to take responsibility for her own happiness, and i know she never will... she brings me down. the other part of me feels i'm one of the only constants in her life that is fairly positive, and i shouldn't take that away. i may never reach a decision.