Entertaining obituaries from previous games....check it out and reminisce in the good ol' days....
From Spring 2004...
Jessi Pollack
Time of Death: April 3, 2004 2:45 PM
"Those who die so tragically early, I've heard, often return to take care of some unfinished business....make me a TERMINATOR"
Kristy Roome
Time of death: April 4, 2004 9:15 PM
"An assassin quietly ran from an occupied classroom and hit me from behind with a sock. Merciless, i wanted the croissant!"
Diana Strasburg
Time of death: April 6, 2004 2:45 PM
"I couldn't believe it! I was totally oblivious. I have no idea
how [the assassin] knew I would be there!!! It was only a light tap of a black sock
at 245 PM today inside Goldwin Smith, and blood went everywhere. WTF??"
Rahul Tonk
Time of death: April 7, 2004 1:25 PM
Rahul Tonk led a humble life, and died a noble death taking pies in the face for the "Pie a Pi Kapp" fund raiser. His assassin tracked him down using his away message, which invited friends (and apparently, foes) to pie him in the face as a donation to PUSH America. As a glint of compassion in an otherwise cold heart, the assassin made a donation to the charity. The only difference was, the donation was made with a sock to the face instead of a delicious, nutritious pie.
Matthew Tucker
Time of death: April 7, 2004 8:15 PM
"The Workingpeoples of the world today suffered a tremendous blow when socialist organizer and agitator Matt Tucker was struck down by a counterrevolutionary assassin at 815 p.m. in the Cascadeli. He was on his way back from a trip to the restroom when his escort left him and he was socked through the left shoulder. His last words were reported as being "long live the Internationale!"
Anthony Keeney
Time of death: April 9, 2004 9:30 PM
me dead
Megan DeSantis
Time of death: April 10, 2004 10:48 AM
I, much like the homeless bag lady that lives on a downtown park bench, died collecting cans today. Save your tears, my spirit lives on.
Benjamin Weber
Time of death: April 16, 2004 11:05 AM
In a frame F, Benjamin is moving at a relativistic speed vx in the x direction. A sock is also moving in this frame, with a velocity vn>>vx. In the lab frame at t=0, Benjamin and the sock are a distance L apart. t=t'=0 is the the time when Benjamin passes the origin. Treat Benjamin and the sock as particles.
a) At what time, in the lab frame, will Benjamin be hit by the sock?
b) What about in the rest frame of Benjamin? The rest frame of the sock?
c) If Benjamin has a radial magnetic field E0' in his rest frame, what is the force on the sock due to the Benjamin's magnetic field in the lab frame?
d) Is there a frame where the sock would not have hit Benjamin? Explain.
e) Is there a frame where the sock would appear as a croissant? Explain.
Lisa Schlitt
Time of death: April 17, 2004 5:55 PM
"It seemed as if s/he was doing me a favor, it was even someone I knew. Alas, that's what happens you get in someone else's car; all it takes it one little sock and you're dead. See mom and dad, that's why you should have let me take the car with me!" The body of Lisa Allyson Schlitt was found in the back seat of a car in the lot behind Appel Commons. The apparent cause of death was a white sock found next to the body. Philantropist, scientist, Nobel laureate, friend, and daughter, Lisa will be missed by the entire nation and Cornell community."
Dena Osherovich
Time of death: April 21, 2004 9:07 PM
"Dena was tragically assassinated on Wednesday April 21st at 907 PM. Her death was no accident. She was set up by a wo/man she thought would be her fellow brother and friend. She feels at this time that it is inappropriate to speak of his/her name, but would like others to know to beware of him/her. She had not last words, but died with an expression of sheer shock. May she rest in peace, or otherwise viciously haunt her assassin. "
Dan Herstine
Time of death: April 22, 2004 5:15 PM
'Tis but a scratch!
Liane Slaughter
Time of death: April 23, 2004 12:15 PM
Liane Slaughter died today when the toilet tweaked out and exploded her into the ceiling.
Judy Ranns
Time of death: April 26, 2004 3:30 PM
Death at the gym, the prophesy holds true
Julie Beckenstein
Time of death: April 27, 2004 10:05 AM
"Everyone told me Genetics would be the end of me; I just didn't think that this is what they meant..."
Arjun Rao
Time of death: April 27, 2004 1:30 PM
Goo: I move to have Arjun's assassination anulled
KalcKid: You can't do that!
Rin: You're out of line, KalcKid!! Is there a second?
Moose: Second!
Rin: The motion has been seconded! Is there any discussion? (Sees KalcKid raising his hand) (Calls on Tones)
Tones: I think Arjun died unnecessarily and inappropriately. Arjun should have gone out in a blaze of glory at the end of a long and distinguised life...
(KalcKid waves his arms so furiously that strong eddy currents begin to topple brothers. A concerned Rin finally calls on him)
KalcKid: An assassination cannot be annulled. And all judgements regarding assassinations are left to me 'cause I'm the UMPIRE!
(Cat smiles affectionately at KalcKid)
Rin: Any further discussion?
Holmes (yelling): THIS IS SO STUPID! WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE TRIPOD!!??!?
(Diesel and Bhav proceed to restrain Holmes)
Holmes (yelling): (UNINTELLIGIBLE)
Ian: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)
(In midst of chaos, Will finds four-day old chicken nuggets on floor--proceeds to eat them)
(Rin slams the gavel and reasserts control)
Rin: Is there any more real discussion??!
Moose: Question!
Rin: Question has been called... any objection to ending discussion?
(Arjun crashes through the windows...)
Arjun: Sorry folks, but KalcKid is right. I died and there's nothing that can be done. But make no mistake. As death is but a door and time but a window--I'll be back!!
(Arjun jumps through window and back into the void)
Tones: How did he do that?!?
Mofo: Isn't it obvious? It was Arjun...
Will: Anyone have any barbeque sauce?
(Rin throws gavel at him)
From Spring 2003...
Kathy Devlin
Time of Death: April 1, 2003, 6:58pm
"A customer enters a "so darned cute!" brother shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Kathy what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Magenta...What's,uh...What's wrong with 'er?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with 'er, my lad. She's dead, that's what's wrong with 'er!
O: No, no, she's uh,...she's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead Kathy when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Magenta, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. She's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
C: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake 'er up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Missus Kathy Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, she moved!
C: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO KATHY!!!!! Testing!
Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Kathy out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead Kathy.
O: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned 'er, just as she was wakin' up! Norwegian Magentas stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That Kathy is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an
hour ago, you assured me that 'er total lack of movement was due to 'er
bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...she's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on his back the moment I got 'er home?
O: The Norwegian Magenta prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Kathy when I got her
home, and I discovered the only reason that she had been sitting on her
perch in the first place was that she had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course she was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird
down, she would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with her
beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through her! She's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! She's pining!
C: Whe's not pinin'! She's passed on! This Kathy is no more! She has
ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff!
Bereft of life, she rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed her to the
perch she'd be pushing up the daisies! Her metabolic processes are now
'istory! She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket, she's shuffled
off 'ermortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir
invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-KATHY!! !"
Chris Harig
Time of Death: April 4, 2003, 10:05am
"You was my brother, Charley, you shoulda looked out for me a little
bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have
to take them dives for the short-end money .... I coulda had class. I
coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum,
which is what I am, let's face it."
Diane Long
Time of Death: April 5, 2003, 7:44pm
"Rule
number one in this game: don't say your going to eat dinner and coming
back really soon on your away message... i walked out of the
elevator... thinking about what to wear to a party... when i see a
girl/guy sitting in my lounge.. who is she/he?? she/he sees me.. lunges
at me... i panic, what does she/he want????? WAM! i'm dead."
Megan DeSantis
Time of Death: April 6, 2003, Noon
"At
high noon today Miss Megan DeSantis (19, of Loveland, Ohio) was killed
by a single sock shot to the back of the head. .....Ivy Room....humph!
more like Sadistic Assassination Room."
Anubhav Jain
Time of Death: April 7, 2003, 12:10pm
"I
had no information on who my assassin was, but the first time I caught
a glance of him/her while walking up the stairs to a PSP meeting I knew
that he/she was pure evil. He/she had an glint in his/her eye, and
although I reciprocated his/her outward gestures of friendship, I knew
in my heart that it was all plotting, plotting, plotting...plotting
away at my demise. I saw him/her sitting in my music classroom the day
of my death. I could have not walked in and saved myself, but 'a life
lived in fear is a life half-lived'. We both knew what the other
wanted. I shifted my seat closest to the door in the hopes of a
desperate escape. He/she sat next to me. There was not a potential
witness in sight. I was doomed. Worst of all, he/she ENJOYED the class!
The least that could have happened would be for him/her to have
SUFFERED for the kill. Oh well. I'll mourn my naive hopes of dominating
the game, and pray for the unlucky soul to be struck next by such a
heartless creature. Sweet world, adieu!"
Liz Jones
Time of Death: April 19, 2003, 11am
"At
least my assassin was made to suffer.... he/she had to carry large
bottles of water from my aparment to my car, and as I sat, slumped over
the drivers wheel of my blood-stained car, I was able to get some
amount of revenge, as I kicked my assassin out of my car to walk to
Uris to meet for field day. True to my word, even in my last moments,
anyone who takes my life is banned from my car."
Heather Feldman
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 5:12pm
"I am ok to say I am dead, killed at 5:12 PM by a terminator while
studying in Olin for the Nationals exam like a good little initiate.
Now I desire to be a terminator. I want blood."
Dan Herstine
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 6:10pm
"I
barely felt it when I was impaled IN THE BACK at dinner tonight. The
only reason I knew what happened was cause I saw the blood splatter my
tray at Jansen's. It was a terrible mess, Shaky Joe had to clean it up.
Haha, sucks to be her."
Gerald Griffin
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 6:15pm
"I know why the caged bird is caged."
Diana Strasburg
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 6:43pm
"I had just finished eating dinner at Jansen's and was totally
oblivious to everything around me. Then, I see a friend...or so I
thought. He/She killed me with a scorching black sock! Stupid Krazy
Undead Terminators."
Evelyn Rojas
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 9:05pm
"Silent like the night
Swift as the wind
It came after me so suddenly that I didn’t even have time to react
I stood, face to face with my assassin,
Unbelief crossing my face
And then relief!
I could finally lead a peaceful life, even if in the other world
I had cheated death for too long
And now I couldn’t escape it
I closed my eyes, taking with me the image of my
assassin, wickedly smiling…already planning, the death of his/her next victim!"
Kate Hanley
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, after 9pm
"And the award for MOST BORING DEATH EVER goes to..."
Corinne Cohen
Time of Death: April 21, 2003, 10pm
"Sending a couple out after me! how dare you ;-) Is this pay back for senior night???"
Ian Wang
Time of Death: April 22, 2003, 7:30pm
"WANG
- Ian, 20, of Wilmington, DDE, was brutally slaughtered while rescuing a
puppy from a well on April 22, 2003. Born in Philadelphia in 1982, Ian
spent his life practicing various arts. He was proclaimed an
international kazoo sensation in 1987, and produced two platinum
albums, 'Kazoomin' Fun' and 'Cowzoo', based on his personal
experiences. He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1992 for advancing
the efficiency of rubber ducky production. He is also well known for
his charitable contributions to the eraser recycling organization.
Beginning in 1999, Ian spent 7 years in prison for illegally ripping
mattress tags. He is survived by his loving wife of 26 years and 8
children, Aeneas, Neoptolomus, Caligula, Dido, Philomela, Oedipus,
Athena, and Dionysus. He will be lovingly missed. His last words were
"I should have kept the sock. It was a nice sock." The puppy's name was
Spot. He is currently recovering in Bacon Hill Veterinary Hospital."
Mike McCabe
Time of Death: April 27, 2003, Early Afternoon
"With the last of my strength, I leave the tale of my demise so it may be a warning for those to come.
I left the meeting with two body guards and pursued by my vile assassin
and her undead minion. As we came to the engineering quad, I watched
silently as my assassin headed into the quad for no apparent reason.
Left to my own thoughts, I could only think that they meant to get
ahead of me by running down a parallel route. However, I continued my
journey home and weighed my options for possible escapes. As I passed
Cascadilla, I left my final body guard on a perch to witness any
treachery, but none came. I made my way down Eddy St. at a quick jog,
wondering whether to switch sides of the street or backtrack and enter
my house from the rear. In my hurried state, I became greedy and
complacent and stayed on the straight line course pondering why my
assassin had broken off so early. Then, a block from my house, my
assassin appeared from behind a bush and rushed at me. With both of us
running there was no chance for thought, but I found I had raised my
arm to parry her dagger with my sweatshirt. I was past my assassin and
thinking that I had avoided disaster and only needed to run to my door,
when I felt the poison starting to spread through my shoulder. My
assassin had deftly struck a blow with a concealed and poisoned dagger.
As I was left for dead a block away from my house, I discovered the
answer to my question. I witnessed my assassin get into a car driven by
her undead minion and I realized that with rapid transport I had no way
of making it home first.
Alas I am dead for not taking the back door, but perhaps it is for the
best, for now my soul may rest easily as I attempt to pass this final
week."
Cat Hoffman
Time of Death: April 28, 2003, 7:15pm
"Cat was many things to many people: daughter, sister, brother, big,
committee chair, friend, student, coworker, fish caretaker,
disrespected roommate. But most of all, she was a mastermind assassin
who took the lives of 12 before her and catalyzed many other deaths.
Her memory and terrifying record shall live on forever."
Michelle Seo
Time of Death: May 2, 2003, 5:00pm
"Nefarious. It was all nefarious. A legacy was shattered by a duo of pure evil, taking out my big, and then me.
I perished at the hand of evil, on a dark and rainy day. I missed, from only a few feet away, as did she.
My sock laid only a few steps away, but she was closer to it and quicker to snatch it up.
She lunged at me with glee, and then it was all over. Many were saddened by the tragic death, and much depressed
by the irony that I perished by my own sock. What a twisted victory."
From Fall 2002...
Eric Mesa
Time of Death: November 5, 2002, 11:10am
"Promising young ECE major Eric Mesa was killed on his way to ENGRD
230. He inadvertently almost escaped his murder by exiting through the
CS 211 door that no one else was using. He leaves behind a roommate and
girlfriend of 1 year. She was astonished that Eric was involved with
assassins, but realized that he'd been dressing incognito recently.
(photo included) She thought it was just a phase. If you think that you
are entitled to any of the inheritance which includes $60 and a vast
anime collection, please contact his lawyer."
Dan Herstine
Time of Death: November 7, 2002, 2:49-52 pm
"The attack came without warning today, as I was entering Uris Hall.
All of the sudden, I heard the unmistakable sound of a sock slicing
through the afternoon calm. I looked down, only to see the deadly
weapon had impaled me right through the heart. I yelled, but no sound
came from my lips, only blood. The last thing I remember is a faint
chuckle, as if my attacker was slightly amused at the ease of the kill.
And the worst part is, I was going to a *government* class. I'm an
engineer, dammit! Stupid liberal arts requirement..."
Cat Hoffman
Time of Death: November 14, 2002, 9:45 pm
"A fatal exception error has occurred at 9:45 PM WSH Art Gallery. Press any key to restart Assassins."
From Spring 2002...
Joe Cua
Time of Death: April 2, 2002 5:30pm
"All I have to say is, my evil evil assassin used a dirty sock that
he/she had just pulled right off of his/her evil evil foot. Evil!"
Rochelle Edinburg
Time of Death: April 2, 2002 7:15pm
"An obituary for myself, before rigor mortis sets in:
I was cut down in the flower of my youth. The dastard struck from behind, drawing the vicious weapon from an
innocent-looking coat. This after I had been reassured of my safety from thir, no less!. Blood spattered the
mail room wall as the sock penetrated my heart, destroyed my chances of survival. Mourn the passing of a
young assassin who never had a chance to kill her own target, Rochelle."
Greg Van Dyke
Time of Death: April 3, 2002 Evening
"I want in on being a Terminator..."
Roxanne Tashjian
Time of Death: April 4, 2002 11:00am
"I'm dead : ( Roxanne, deceased : ("
Kate Hanley
Time of Death: April 4, 2002 4:22pm
"Ah, the perils of having to be predictably in one building all day long.
I saw it coming days ago, but the death was quick and painless ... and from behind!
Murderous villian, socking me in the back! A plague on your laundry!"
Allison Vogel
Time of Death: April 7, 2002 2:00pm
"So anyway, it was about 2pm, and I was sitting in the library
struggling with my stats homework. All of a sudden, I turned around,
placing myself face-to-face with my attacker. He/she looked me in the
eyes and said "I'm sorry, but I have to kill you. If I don't, they'll
kill me..." And just like that, I died. Soon after I died, I went back
to doing my stats homework. Looks like I'll be spending eternity in
hell after all..."
Craig Lowenthal
Time of Death: April 7, 2002 2:40pm
"My apartment was staked out.....and I was killed by my own stupidity."
Marina Chao
Time of Death: April 8, 2002 12:20pm
"Death- yet another reason for me to hate chemistry."
Eric Margelefsky
Time of Death: April 8, 2002 3:15pm
"The innocent and generally benevolent life of Eric Margelefsky was put to an end today by a nefarious socker.
Take care when tucking your children in at night, do not leave your
women unguarded, for this merciless killer is still hunting :P"
Liz Jones
Time of Death: April 11, 2002 9:10am
"The morning was quiet, but I just knew. I said my goodbyes last night,
despite the reassurances of my co-conspirators. The evil, evil assassin
- the plexiglass wouldn't hhave lasted long with this particular one,
anyway."
Eric Holmberg-Weidler
Time of Death: April 11, 2002 11:35am
"Twas a dark and misty morning (Sunny with a high of 65), and betrayal
was on the air. A fellow CS major revealed my location to my stalker.
The fiend lay in wait, guarding the entrance to my class, but I saw it
and fled before it looked up from its devilry! My downfall lay in my
impatience, for if I had waited only another minute, the creature would
have slunk back into the slimy pit it came from. But no! I chose to
attempt trickery, and enter from another direction. Predicting my every
movement, it changed to a better location, and when I arose from the
secret tunnel, it saw me and leapt! I dodged, quicker even than the
fell creature, but to my dismay an iron gate blocked my escape. I
jumped, and while in the air the awful creature discharged it's attack,
impaling my leg. As I lay on the hard ground, my life's blood pumping
from the grievous wound, the creature looked down at me, laughing,
laughing, laughing..."
Arjun Rao
Time of Death: April 13, 2002 10:40pm
"COVERT OPERATIVE STATUS: Arjun Rao--KIA. Eliminated by enemy agent in
surprise ambush, Cascadilla Sector. Note to surviving units: Agent
considered armed and extremely dangerous...recommend new defensive
tactics and deployment of heavy artillery. END REPORT"
Gerald Griffin
Time of Death: April 14, 2002 5:30pm
"The blow of a sock-- it's excruciating painless touch finally found my arm, and in an instant's time, I was no more.
'What happens to the dream deferred? / Does it fester like a sore and then run?'"
Matt Bolcar
Time of Death: April 16, 2002 Morning
"I knew it was going to happen today. It was only a matter of time. I
even wore a fantastically ugly shirt in hopes of blinding my attacker
by it's gaudiness and escaping in the confusion. But alas, I failed. As
I sat, waiting for class, I could feel the time growing near when
finally my assassin walked into the room and sat down next to me. A few
pleasantries were exchanged - we both new why s/he was here, no need to
make it rude - and after a futile attempt to beg for mercy s/he
withdrew his/her weapon and nonchalantly reached over and impaled me in
the
chest. The world grew dark and the last thing I remember is the
maniacal laughter, presumably at the hideous garishness of my shirt.
What a world..."
Serena Mak
Time of Death: April 18, 2002 11am
"The ever-changing conditions of this game have caught me off-guard. I
was sitting right next to my assassin for the whole semester and he/she
happened to kill my original assassin...and then he/she brought me
down. I never saw it coming.....but then again, I think going down this
way is better than being hunted by those crazy undead terminators...if
they're as crazy as Helen, I'd rather be dead...just to avoid the
apprehension. Good luck to you all!""
Adam Towsley
Time of Death: April 20, 2002 Morning
"Never give people rides!"
Demetri Costoyiannis
Time of Death: April 22, 2002 Evening
"I thought he/she was being friendly!"
Claude Mayo
Time of Death: April 23, 2002 5:10pm
"At 5:10pm in 163 Riley-Rob computer lab Claude Mayo ceased to function."
Julia Park
Time of Death: April 23, 2002 Evening
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Cat Hoffman
Time of Death: April 24, 2002 9am-ish
"Early in the mornin', risin' to go to class,
Toast me up that bagel and I get up off my @$$.
Got to find a reason, reason things went wrong.
Got to find the reason why my life's all gone.
I got nine kills and I could have still got by.
I coulda played assassins like a mother flippin' riot...
Life is too short, so kill the one you got
cause you might get run over or you might get socked!
Never started to panic- I thought I was the best.
Wish I coulda played with a sockproof vest.
Take a small example, take a tip from me-
take all of your socks and throw em at the conspiracy.
Killed's what I got, life's out of my reach-
the assassin came to class before did the teach'.
It all comes back to you you're bound to get what you deserve.
Try and test that, you're bound to get served.
Killed's what I got, won't start a riot,
You feel it when the game gets hot-
Killed's what I got, I said remember that.
Killed, is what I got, I got, I got..."
Jen Basarab
Time of Death: April 24, 2002 12:05pm
"Paranoia was in the air, as my last guardian had perished, and the
dead offer no protection. I had discovered who would bring about my
demise minutes before s/he carried out the terrible deed. I was one of
the final 10 survivors, constructing elaborate plans to protect myself
until the next target shuffle, but confident that I would survive. Yet,
vigilant as I was, I failed to hear my assassin's silent, swift
approach from behind. When I heard the demonic voice call my name, I
tried desperately to escape...but realized it was too late when I felt
the death-grip on my arm and spied the dark instrument of torture. Now
I can take comfort in the fact that I lived a long, productive live,
but beware! The killer still walks the streets, armed and dangerous...
'The Angel of Death has been abroad throughout the land; you may almost
hear the beating of his wings. There is no one as of old...to sprinkle
with blood the lintel and the two side-posts of our doors, that he may
spare and pass on.'
-John Bright"
Vinny Lee
Time of Death: April 25, 2002 Shortly after Megan
"What better way to die than to watch that horribly crooked sock come
raging towards me in all its evilness and cause an excruciatingly
painful, both physically and emotionally, demise? To know that 30 other
pairs of eyes served as my witnesses, though to no avail, to feel the
life get sucked out of me...
Deflated am I.
Lifeless.
Who knew that a cottony ball of softness could numb me so?
I will seek my revenge...indeed I will..."
From Spring 2001...
Jennifer Basarab
Time of Death: April 1st, 2001 7pm
"Here lies the shell of a noble soul,
Innocent and unarmed, yet betrayed by a friend;
Stolen from this world far before her time,
Past the great stone fortress that guards the North."
Mike McCabe
Time of Death: April 3rd, 2001 12:45pm
"This is what I get for going to class! Just wait till paintball!"
Elizabeth Jones
Time of Death: April 4th, 2001 8:45pm
"I knew I shouldn't have taken the stairs!"
Andrea Stewart
Time of Death: April 5th, 2001 afternoon
"Ah, Andrea Stewart! We'll miss her: her love of all cats (big and
small), tender care of wilted venus flytraps, endless search for the
perfect "cobalt blue" color, obsession with christmas lights, hip
feminist thinking, love of the stars (especially Bellatrix and Polaris)
and general bounciness! At least it wasn't a painful death ;) Survived
by Polaris, Castor, Pollux, Bellatrix, Jupiter, Blondie, Isis, and,
Tabby."
Alexis Anderson
Time of Death: April 5th, 2001 midnight
"Cut down doing service for PSP."
Vinny Lee
Time and place of "occurrence": 1:15 pm, 2001 RPU ( the bloodmarket)
"It wasn't supposed to go down like this. It wasn't supposed to happen!
It was so...so sudden......so...une x p e c t e d...
It was just another Saturday; Weekends are always quiet; You never
think people would take advantage of you in your weakest moment. But
alas, my naivete got the best of me...oh the disillusionment...the
humanity! Though in the back of my mind lay a nagging suspicion that my
stalker was still out there, and could have been eavesdropping while I
politely asked the deli lady to put tunafish on my bagel, I ignored it
when I successfully returned to my table, assuming I was safe and
unnoticed. Nonetheless, I had one more mission: Seizing some apple
juice. It was no easy task, mind you, but it had to be done; I couldn't
bear the thought of eating my lunch without a cool drink in my hand.
Thirst - 'twas my fatal downfall. As i turned the corner and neared my
destination, I felt almost sure that i would be safe within the
confines, hidden from view. With my back turned, the UNthinkable
happened...and happened so fast...BAM!.......UMPH! The immediate impact
caused me to lose my balance; my head spun back. I turned and stared at
my assassin - dead in the eye - then looked down. There in the pit of
my stomach, evilly tucked within [his/her/its] clenched fingers, was
the devious black sock [it had stripes too]. I looked up and sent a
wailing scream of which only those who experienced a similar fate could
feel the painful depths. I had been the target of a conspiracy! A
CONSPIRACY! Yes, there is a small faction among us that is conspiring
against us all! Beware! They are watching....don't let them get to
you.....like they got to me..."
Nikita Pavlov
Time of Death: April 10th, 2001 1ish
"Earlier this morning, as I was sitting in my class, an inexplicable
freezing grip seized my heart, and suddenly I was full of unreasonable
fear. It lasted for only a few seconds, but I should have known -- it
was a sign from above that today I would be gone. As I was leaving
class, surrounded by faithful friends (but alas, they were not part of
PSP and couldn't have saved me!), my tummy pleasantly full after a
healthy, nutritious lunch, I could only think of pleasant things in
life: finishing a thesis paper for next day, executing my mastermind
assassination plan, basking in the sun...
and then, out of nowhere, I heard my name called, and someone'd tapped
me on the shoulder. I looked in confusion as my assassin slowly
unveiled "its" hand to reveal... a pale sock, neatly rolled into a ball
to inflict the most damage, and thoroughly bloodstained from previous
murders [maybe?]. My eyes wide open with horror and disbelief, I slowly
sunk to the floor, clutching at the wall, gasping my last few breaths
of precious air, incredulous at being cut down at such a young and
tender age... with murky eyes, I gazed up at my assassin, querying
limply - why?... why?... And then I was no more.."
Ryan Dickerson
Time of Death: April 11th, 2001 noonish
"I am dead, Horatio."
Monica Gin
Time of Death: April 13th, 2001 unknown
"It's all about connections....and what better than with the God of Assassins...haha...."
Michelle Magbalon
Time of Death: April 16th, 2001 9:30pm
"Io sono morta stasera, uccisa con un calzino...
Il tradimento, la pazzia, la cospirazione!"
Duncan Reid
Time of Death: April 16th, 2001 11:15pm at the Estrogen Palace
"Sad, dejected, and betrayed; my scruples took a mighty blow that only
the untesticulated could fling against me. The last vestiges of my
manhood have been splattered and my inner woman weeps softly. I was
lured into the tepid depths, the warm walls seemingly undulating,
titillating my body. I shuddered as my virginal, feminine self took to
the damp maternal darkness, feeding off the languid odors. This bliss
was shattered by the dry and painful thrust that took my innocence,
gently tearing at the flesh of my naivete. In that torrid moment of
unabashed violation, my eyes met those of my perpetrator and I saw the
cold depths of the human heart. God help me."
Chris Libby
Time of Death: April 17th, 2001 1:10pm
"Friends, a tragic event has occurred today. After spending many days
and many nights lost in Balch, alas, all was but wasted in a moment.
For those of you still alive, I have but one piece of advice: A wise
man once told me something...but I'll be damned if I know what it was,
'cause I wasn't paying any attention. Oh yes, it was... friend, do not
try to borrow combs from shaven monks. Instead, speak softly and carry
a big sock."
Kate Hanley
Time of Death: April 17th, 2001 7:20pm
"Killed in action while fighting for Tibetian freedom. :P"
Greg Van Dyke
Time of Death: April 19th, 2001 2:30pm
"I'm like dead and stuff."
Melissa Whitcomb
Time of Death: April 25th, 2001 6:30pm
"It came for me as I was sitting down at dinner. My two undead
bodyguards tried to restrain [it], but it was to no avail. Trapped
between two tables and a window (through which I could see my dorm...
my safe haven), I knew my time was up. Like a thing possessed, [it]
ripped one hand out of my big's restraining grip and plunged the sock
into my left shoulder. Strangely I felt no fear as I looked into its
[face]. Dizzy and breathless, I slumped against the table while my life
ebbed away. My only regret is being unable to tell people that the
[thing] they feared as children does, in fact, exist. But it's not
confined to underneath the bed or the closet--it roams Cornell even now
in search of its next victim."
Pat Ryan
Time of Death: May 1st 2001 9:15pm
"I knew it was coming, fate is inevitable. I did not cower, I did not
hide. I took the massacre in stride. Indeed, I prepared for the worst.
With sock bandana whipping in the International Lounge wind, I knew the
end would come quickly but little did I know that the pain would be so
intense. I have no dishonor in my death. I stand tall knowing that I
gave my life for the betterment of the fraternity."
We shall see what kind of fun this year will bring...... >: )