This is a collection of useful information and ideas to help you, my friends, survive in the cruel environment of the twenty-first century. If you have ideas of your own, send them to me and I'll share them if they're any good.
Today's hot tips:
How to get your car through the MOT test
How to get your car through the MOT test
Note for foreign readers – the MOT test is a yearly safety check which causes problems for those of us who own classic (i.e ten year old) cars. This is a list of solutions which can also be used to assist you in flogging the bloody thing when you can afford a decent motor…
1 – John’s Sponge Trick
. This is a fast repair for corroded bodywork.You will need-
A sponge twice the size of the hole
Fibreglassing resin
2-part filler, Matching paint aerosol, sandpaper.
Simply soak the sponge in mixed fibreglassing resin and pop it through the hole so that it sticks out both sides. If it’s on a wheelarch, sill or other closely double-skinned area you can get most of it through so that the sponge is well supported between the two sides. When it’s set solid, slice off the protruding sponge with a mini-grinder then sand it flat with the body, fill with the 2-part filler then flat & paint as normal.
2 – Al’s Trick with the Tyres. Watch the miles of hard cornering and late braking fade away!
You will need –
Black spray paint or tyre polish
Sandpaper
Jack up one wheel until it’s free to rotate (chock the other wheels and put the car in neutral, handbrake off) then colour in the remaining tread grooves with paint or polish. When it’s dry, sand the raised portion of the tread to remove the excess polish or overspray. Repeat for the other three wheels. When you’re done, the treads will look much deeper and probably won’t even be checked for depth. (if they’re really bald, draw the grooves on with a magic marker.)
3 – Stop the drips the natural way.
You will need-
Sawdust
Drain the oil and remove the sump pan. Fill the sump pan with sawdust and refit. Refill with oil, which should stay within the sump from now on. (It just might not get to the working parts anymore)
4 - The Hobo’s Boot Patch
You will need –
Cardboard
Underseal
Glue – Superglue or Evo-Stik.
Lift the carpet from the inside of the floorpan. Where the rust has eaten through the metal, glue a patch of cardboard onto the floor to cover it. Replace the carpet when the glue's set, then get under the filthy side of the floorpan and paint in some underseal. Stipple the underseal to imitate the pattern left by the manufacturer. When it's almost dry, brush dirt into it to stop it looking so new. Done correctly, it won't attract any attention.
5 - Wonder Welding
You will need -
A tube of Liquid Nails or Gripfil, or similar
OR a hot-melt glue gun.
Matching paint aerosol
Where you've replaced a panel but don’t want the fact to be apparent, simply trace the line of the original weld with a steady stream of hot glue or Liquid Nails. Use a slow, steady dabbing action to simulate a factory seam weld - it takes practice but a lot less than real welding. When it's all dry, spray over it then dust lightly, or clean the rest of the car to hide the fact that a repair has taken place. To imitate a spot-weld where you've stuck it together with superglue, prior to fitting the new panel place it on a block of hard wood and punch in a line of dots corresponding to the spotwelds on the other side of the car (more or less will give it away). Your best tool to use is a centrepunch with the end ground off flat and round, about 4-5 mm diameter at the tip, with a sharp edge all the way round. Again, much cheaper than a spotwelder.
How to be spectacularly rude -
from pal to pariah in one week.
It's harder than you think. It is not just a matter of assaulting people, insulting them out of hand and phoning them up for no good reason when you know them to be asleep. These actions will only get you known as a show-off or possibly a mad person. You must appear to be rude OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL. Your insensitivity must be spontaneous and consistently upsetting. Your ignorance must be complete and wilful. Here is a brief guide to the art of being a complete bastard.
1 - Never return compliments.
Thank people for theirs if you must but sound forced or distracted. Of course if you wish to appear really unpleasant just ignore them, or better still, pull a sour face and look away.
2 - Avoid thanking people.
When you do (as when paying for petrol) you have a good opportunity to practice insincerity; make it just bad enough that nobody feels justified in commenting on it. They will then be forced to think about it for a long time, setting in concrete their opinion of you as a complete sod.
3 - Borrow things.
Keep them for too long and then appear ungrateful when you return them - See above.
4 - You needn't tip.
When someone holds out their hand to ask for a tip (Americans do this a lot), Give them something of no value at all - an aspirin, a loose Tic-Tac, worthless foreign currency such as Lire or a till receipt. If you want to cause a real fuss, pretend to read their fortune. It should of course be dismal, and read out loudly and with as much sarcasm as you can muster.
5 - Scorn the achievements of others.
When you meet someone again after a while apart, an old colleague perhaps, covertly find out in advance what car they've got (i.e. a Peugeot 406) then greet them, saying: "…I expect you're driving a BMW by now. 5-series or 7?" When they confess to owning the Peugeot (no crime in itself, of course) just look disapointedly at them and say, "Oh well." Before changing the subject to avoid their rising indignation.
With oil refineries and tanker depots across Europe under threat of blockade, Here are a few ways you can maintain your transport while showing indignation towards the cost of normal fuel.
1 - Seek alternative power sources.
Steam is an often-neglected source of energy. There is no road tax on coal or anthracite. Build a flash-steam boiler into your car and chuff to work in a huge cloud of smoke every day. It is worth remembering that it is ILLEGAL to drive on a UK highway using a fuel on which road fuel duty has not been paid - This is why "red" diesel (for farmers and construction vehicles) is so cheap. It works as well as normal diesel, though. Some would stoop so low as to remove the red dye by filtering it through bread. Wood is sold as a construction material and is not strictly a fuel, but when set on fire it will heat a boiler.
Old "Lister" engines will run on anything from Aviation Turbine Fuel to rayburn oil, diesel or petrol, or white spirit. They will not fit in most modern engine bays, so you may need to do some welding here and there, and be prepared to drive along going BANG, chuff chuff chuff BANG…
Get some BIG batteries and a lightning conductor. Hire a competent industrial electrician to fit a motor and speed control. In stormy weather everybody will think you're driving a bloody big bumper car.
2 - Pretend to have no fuel.
Since everybody else is running out of fuel, you should not feel left out even if you have a few gallons left. Spend it wisely! Seize the opportunity presented by open roads and a day off! Find somebody nice and go to the beach, or anywhere else you won't be spotted by your bicycle-bound colleagues.
3 - Take to the streets.
Use your last pint of petrol to create a real fuss. You could make petrol bombs, (sorry to the diesel posse, it does not work as well) but here is me using up my last few pints of unleaded. Alternatively just pour a shot-glass full under the back of someone's car and tell them, with concerned sincerity, that you suspect their fuel lines are leaking. Pick on somebody with expensive clothes then watch them get ruined as they scramble under the filthy side of their car. You may also consider hiring some minders and auctioning it by the pint.
4 - Invest in a moped.
They return 120 MPG or so. You don't mind looking like a plonker, do you?
5 - Stock up beforehand.
Actually in the UK you're only allowed to store 15 litres in your home without permission from the council. I would not for a minute suggest that you fill every jerry can you can find with fuel and stash it in the garage. Make sure none leak, for god's sake.
6 - Sit and wait.
Just that. If you really do have no fuel, Just relax. If you're stuck, worrying won't help. Get a bottle of wine and some books and just wait 'til it's over. You may consider checking the car over at this point, if your'e mechanically adept. A little checking and adjustment could help you use less fuel when it comes back on sale.
Every man's house is his castle. While this is true, burglaries and invasions continue, and while they're all castles they are all under equal threat - including yours. Make your home a fortress. You are not paranoid, you just realise the dangers, unlike your changing-rooms-watching neighbours. The threat is real, a clear and present danger that must be addressed immediately and with every fibre of ingenuity you have.
1 - Find the weak points in your home.
Do you have doors, windows and air vents? Of course you have. Make them secure. Welded steel doorframes are attractive in a brutally industrial sort of way. Steel-sheeted doors can still be painted attractive colours, as many as there are shades of Hammerite. Locks must be paid attention, and you need good ones. Discus-type padlocks provide a visible deterrent while you're out. Lock your loved ones inside whenever possible.
Air vents should be sealed with concrete. Better a fusty house than one defiled by the hordes of crack-heads outside.
For two weeks, mark each window you look out of for more than a minute with a pencil tick. Count the ticks at the end of the fortnight and then seal up all but your favourite three windows with breezeblocks. You will not miss them. Buy more lightbulbs to compensate for the darkness. Install cameras and monitors if you consider the remaining windows to be vulnerable, and bar them with 1" steel bars even if you do not. Criminals have fearsome strength when fuelled by drugs, alcohol, and their own insanity.
Install dummy keyholes with live wires hiding inside.
2 - Conceal your wealth.
Never reveal any evidence of wealth to your neighbours or associates. If you have a watch or a good suit, do not wear it! It's a dead giveaway. Tell the time by carrying an old alarm clock in your pocket. Let it ring now and again to emphasise the fact. An old child's alarm clock is less likely to be stolen as the criminal classes are usually childless due to drug abuse and satanistic self-mutilation. Never paint your house or mow the front lawn.
3 - Beware the thief in the night.
If you own a car, remove the wheels at night and store them beneath your bed. Drain the fuel and store it in spare containers in your refrigerator, where less will evaporate. Mark the bottles "Lemonade" to disguise the fact.
Likewise, move all your garden gnomes inside at night. They must not be left out.
You may want to consider taking regular, light doses of caffeine or even amphetamine in order to sleep less heavily. If your home is invaded you will want to be alert rapidly, so keep a line of good cocaine by your bed.
Savage guard dogs are a good option. If you prefer cats, obtain strays as they are meaner. You will need twenty or so, and should never let them out.
Load any guns you have with tracer ammunition so you can se where your shots are going in the dark.
4 - Tricks and traps.
Fill your house with disorienting mirrors so that only you know where to go to get in or out.
Fill a box with cheap, visible costume jewellery and poisonous spiders.
Confine a lunatic in your closet. Leave a note nearby - "Jane - Your mum's rings came back from the jeweller's . Put them in closet for safety. P." Ensure that your lunatic has natural competency with a straight razor.