1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. So you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses:

Question #1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Cricket.
B. Food.
C. Sex.
D. How much prettier she is than you.
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
F. "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" Or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
A. I think so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
F. Sometimes.
G. Not really but you have a great body.

Question #3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
F. You're not fat you're healthy.

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a prettier personality.
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
C. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
D. Define pretty.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. The real answer is, of course, "buy a sports car and a big house."

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN (with a hurtful look on her face): You would?
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; She's left-handed.
WOMAN: *silence*
MAN: Damn!