The Aftermath...
Surviving Sexual Assault

Communicating With The Victim

What To Say and How To Say It

• Be a patient and approachable listener. This requires sensitivity to her feelings and a willingness to demonstrate unconditional acceptance. By giving her the opportunity to express feelings when she is ready, you will help her work through emotional conflicts and you will gain a better understanding of her needs.
• Don't pressure or "interrogate" by insisting that she recount the details of the incident over and over again. When she is ready to discuss the rape and her feelings about it, she will do so. Forcing her to be candid intensifies her confusion and may make her resent you.
• You should never express anger toward her if she initially is reluctant to talk, or if she delays telling you for a period of time. Do not accuse her of "hiding something" because she did not tell you sooner. She may wish to protect loved ones from the pain and turmoil caused by the revelation of being raped. She may also fear being blamed or rejected. Her remaining silence should not be interpreted as a rejection of you, bus as her way of sorting things out.
• Pay special attention to recurring themes in her conversations. These might be clues providing insight into issues which are especially troublesome to her. Being raped can bring out much "unfinished business that has long troubled her relationship with you. By being alert to her conversational themes and by being open to discuss sensitive issues, you will come to better understand her emotional state and help her to resolve problems.
• Eventually, it is important for the two of you to discuss the impact of the rape of your relationship. The emotional consequences of rape are traumatic for all those involved in a personal relationship with the woman, especially you. Calmly sharing your feelings and vulnerabilities with her the opportunity to nurture you, just as you have been nurturing her. Nurturing a loved one is an effective way to speed recovery.
• Consider relationship counseling. A competent, sensitive counselor can help remove barriers to effective communication.

From the MCASA Training Manual
Posted with permission from the Central Minnesota Sexual Assault Center