The Aftermath...
Surviving Sexual Assault

What To Say To Others

• Family members may seek to help the victim and alleviate their own feelings of helplessness by threatening revenge on the rapist. Such threats tend to further traumatize her and cause her to worry about the family's safety. Family members' anger can be expresses to you or a counselor, but should not be expressed to her, Constant expression of anger only heightens her anxiety and makes her guilty for "imposing" an emotional burden on those she loves.
• Discourage family and friends from unintentionally trivializing the sexual assault by joking about it. Male friends in particular may be prone to do this. Such jokes are likely to confuse and isolate her rather than being a means of raising her spirits.
• Well-intentioned family members may try to solicit support from close friends, clergy, co-workers, and others. Such efforts should be discouraged if she is not prepared to discuss the incident. However, you should not prevent her from talking to family members if she chooses. She should decide to whom and under what circumstances to discuss her feelings.
• Family members should be dissuaded from overprotecting her. Strong attempts may be made to convince her to move back home, move to another city, or accept what amounts to 24-hour surveillance. The danger id that these actions may reinforce the woman's view of herself as vulnerable and powerless, thus discouraging her from mobilizing her own resources foe coping. This can promote an unhealthy dependency on others. Providing support should not function to increase feelings that she has lost control over her life to that she is no longer self-reliant. If anything, family members need to understand that being supportive means helping her to build self-confidence and independence.
• Continual distraction of the victim should be discouraged. The family may engage in a "friendly conspiracy" to keep her mind off the incident, occupying her time with a variety of activities and acting as if it never happened. However, attempts to deny the rape are only temporarily affective and communicate that it is too awful to discuss or even to think about.
• Encourage family members to respect her need for privacy. There are times when it is desirable and therapeutic for her to work through feelings alone. A constant stream of well-wishers can drain her emotionally. It is especially difficult for her to put the incident behind he if she feels obliged to satisfy the frequent inquires of visitors as to "what happened" and "how are you doing?" When she decides she needs to be alone, respect that decision. In addition, she may want you to communicate such decisions to the family for her. In doing so, you will assure family and friends that their concern is recognized and appreciated.
• No one should communicate that she was raped because she did something wrong. This is especially true in the case of teenagers who are victimized in the context of dating. Avoid suggesting that her actions, rather than the behavior of the rapist, are at fault. Furthermore, suggesting that she should have done something differently communicates more that blame or judgment of her. It also communicates that others do not fully understand the circumstances under which she was forced to act, circumstances which she didn't choose but which were imposed upon her.

From the MCASA Training Manual
Posted with permission from the Central Minnesota Sexual Assault Center