The Aftermath...
Surviving Sexual Assault

A Note to those Close To Rape Victims

How does rape affect a victim? How does rape affect those closest to a rape victim? How can family and friends do the "right thing"? To answer these questions, it is important to remember that rape is not a sexual act but a crime of violence motivated by the offender's need to overpower the victim and feel in control. In response to the assault, a victim will be left feeling vulnerable, frightened, angry, confused, betrayed, violated, dirty, embarrassed, and powerless. Even small decision-making may be difficult. 

Probably the best way to understand a victim's feelings is to try and remember or imagine a situation where you felt powerless and afraid. You may remember feeling very alone, fearful, or needing comfort. Often the rape victim needs much love and support the first few days. Friends can help break down the loneliness and alienation. 

It seems advisable for the victim to talk about the rape; however, it is not possible to generalize how much she should be encouraged to talk about it. Victims so not seem to appreciate specific questions which can tend to seem probing and callous. Victims may be especially reluctant to share details about the sexual assault, particularly in regard to the sexual acts they were made to perform. To probe in these areas may only worsen any problems the victim may have in dealing with the rape. Instead, questions about how the victim feels now and what bothers the victim the most are much more useful. These questions are not threatening and should allow the victim to talk about the immediate concerns. 

The most practical suggestion is that you communicate your willingness to let the victim talk about the experience. Because of your closeness to the victim, the victim may also be sensitive to your feelings. If the rape greatly angers or upsets you, it may be impossible for the victim to talk to you until you are more in control of your feelings. The victim may also try to protect you and may try to make you feel better. 

If society were more sensitive to victims of sexual violence and victims were not subject to victim-blaming attitudes, they would probably have far fewer difficulties in dealing with the trauma. Over time, most victims will find that the rape meshed with other traumatic experiences in their lives. However, after a reasonable amount of time, if the victim seems unable to cope with day-to-day problems of life, professional help may be sought. Whether or not counseling is a part of the victim's recovery, it is not a replacement for warm concern and loving communication from friends and family. A professional counselor or advocate may help, but the professional cannot replace your role as a significant other. 

Do's And Don'ts For Male Significant Others

A common initial reaction among men is a strong desire to seek revenge against the rapist. However, this is a time when calm and reasoned judgments are most needed. It is especially important that you do not personally contact the rapist, even if his identity is known to you. Such actions can create legal problems for you and place the victim in the position of having to deal with additional fears concerning your safety and hers. In fact, making verbal threats toward the rapist in the presence of the victim is likely to intensify the fear and anxiety the victim already feels.

Another common reaction among men when they first learn of the rape is a strong sense of anger and frustration. Such powerful emotions while understandable can be destructive unless properly channeled. For instance, in no way should such feelings be directed toward the victim. In fact, upon first encountering her, you should refrain from venting your frustrations. The thing she may want and need most at that time is simply for you to be there for her. Under no circumstances should you accuse her or judge her behavior in any way. It is important for you to remain calm and give her the opportunity, if she desires, to talk about what happened. While your feelings are important, how she feels needs to be your primary concern.

In addition, it is essential that you communicate to her that the victim is not responsible for the rape. The victim needs to know that you do not blame her failing to fight off the rapist or for being in a situation that resulted in rape. Not only should you avoid implying cooperation on her part, but absolutely avoid suggesting that she may have enjoyed the experience in any fashion. It is important she feels assured that you do not equate her rape with an act of promiscuity and that you do not see her as defiled or less moral than before the incident. The ability to feel and communicate unconditional acceptance toward the victim is an important step in reducing the deep sense of anxiety she may feel.

Sexual assault robs the woman of the sense of control over her life. In order for her to work through the trauma of the rape and begin to put her life back in order, she must regain this sense of control. Therefore, it is important that the victim be encouraged to make decisions about any and all events which affect her life. Do not attempt to make these decisions for her or to pressure her to follow a "taking charge" of the situation. It is also important that you communicate your unfailing support for her in whatever decision she makes. She needs to feel that no matter what she decides, you will stick by her and that you will be there and continue to provide security and consistency in your relationship with her.

Empower the victim by reinforcing the positive steps she has taken in dealing with the assault (e.g. reporting, working with an advocate, taking care of herself). Rather than being overprotective, help her regain self-confidence and independence. See her as a survivor rather than a victim. 

Long-term Consequences

A sexual assault is a profoundly traumatizing experience. Recovery from an assault will take a natural course. However, a complete resolution may take months or even years to achieve. There are several kinds of response patterns which victims typically experience.

The first phase is acute distress, which is the victim's initial response to the rape. This is characterized by shock, confusion, fear, helplessness, anxiety, and other signs of emotional disorganization.

The second phase is a period of apparent readjustment. The woman may attempt to resolve her anxiety and confusion and repress her memory of the rape and her feelings about it. For example, she may announce that she has "forgotten" the incident and give every outward appearance that the rape no longer bothers her. This may appear to be a final resolution of the incident, but typically, it is not.

The third phase is marked by the emergence of a number of troubling responses. The woman may experience depression, anxiety, fear, insomnia, nightmares, and various physical symptoms, including stomach pain, weight loss, tension headaches, irritability, etc. She may also cry unexpectedly and want to talk about the rape. These responses are a positive sign that she is beginning to confront the reality of the rape and is dealing with deep-seated feelings, which before she had denied or rationalized. At this point, it is especially important that she continue to receive comfort, support, reassurance, and understanding from friends and family members and a willingness on their part to let her talk about her feelings. Do not appear disappointed that she is again having trouble dealing with the rape when everything had appeared to be back to normal.

The final stage of recovery is integration. At this point, the victim has accepted the fact of the sexual assault and has sorted out her feelings of guilt and responsibility � focusing her anger on the assailant � and integrated the sexual experience in to the whole of her life, neither repressing nor being dominated by it. During this phase, a number of women make changes in their lives such as changing jobs or residences, enrolling in self-defense courses, purchasing extra locks, or buying alarm systems for their home. A recent study showed that victims of an attempted sexual assault engaged in behaviors which attempted to provide protection for the future more than did victims of an actual completed rape. It may be that victims of a rape experience a sense of helplessness and extreme vulnerability, feeling that there is nothing they can do to help themselves I the future. 

Source: MCASA Training Materials
Posted with permission of Central Minnesota Sexual Assault Center