Wednesday, 12th December 2007

You people reject me, and on what basis? Not something that I understand. No more smiles and thanks and handshakes. Those are all fake. I don't want to see your faces anymore. You have insulted me with your decision. And why? Why, may I ask? There is no objective reason. It's fear, an irrational, senseless fear of something. What is that thing exactly? I don't really know. Fear breeds loathing and perhaps even contempt. That's why they hate me. Why do they fear me? It seems I threaten them. I don't know how, but it seems I do. It's never based on merit and ability, is it? They always choose puppets. Or people who seem benign to them. Fucking incomprehensible.

So this is it, a statement of reciprocal hate. I swear by my eventual grave that I will not say a voluntary word to them, my enemies. Henceforth, all my dealings with them shall be as fake as they are. No more niceties. No more trying. I will remember what they did, and I will never let them do anything to me again.

Fuck off, ladies and gentlemen, bitches and bastards.

aelf

Friday, 7th December 2007

What's the point of intelligence? There are other things that are better in life. Would you rather have knowledge, knowing that you'd suffer? Or would you rather have a good life? Would you not rather have the support of your fellowman, rather than be yourself and alone? What is the point of being truthful? There is no point in honesty, unless the truth of you is something that people like. What if you are alone, isolated, but brimming with the energy to do things? Is there any use? Or would you eventually burst open with frustration, broken and bleeding?

I realise that there are things in life that i'd rather have. I'd willingly give my faculties up in exchange for those things I don't have. It's not as if i am so ingenious that I don't have to care. The truth is painful. My abilities are not enough to make up for my deficiences. No, they don't give me what I long for, what I need. They can't. There are times i'd rather be someone else, and those times are becoming increasingly often. Here i am, having wasted so much of my life doing nothing. I regret being who i am. All my efforts have been for naught. There is not even a thing that remains of my achievements. Lost. Stolen. A memory fading in the wind. What do I live for anymore?

I don't know. I have no answers to the thousand questions repeating in my head day after day. Why am I like this? Why is life like this? Why are people like this? But who can I blame for failings but myself? I fit in the world of the living as much as a gravestone. I can't live like this. I have to reform my life. But how? I'm at a loss of what to do. Once you are too far down the wrong path, there is no turning back, is there? Six feet under is where i belong. Six feet under sand and stone, subject to the erosions of time but not awake now.

But there is still one thing that keeps me alive.

aelf

Tuesday, 4th December 2007

useless is useless is useless. been trying to console myself the whole week with lame excuses and reasons, but the stark reality remains: i remain useless. what the fuck? why am i still here? as the scenes of my defeats play repeatedly in my mind, the monotony of what i am typing is seeping into my conciousness. why do i lie to myself? what is the point of going on? this is my life, virtually equivalent to typing 'useless' over and over again. i have never succeeded. never been of any use to anyone. disposable, worth less than a fly. i want to do something, but i never get the chance. sometimes i want to help, but i am too insignificant. i am at the lowest rung of the social ladder, part of the downtrodden lot. the only thing that i have to differentiate myself from the pitiful masses is money, and i don't even have a lot of it. mediocre. mediocrity is my name. the knives cut gashes inside my chest, but i deserve it. savour the pain. i need to go. i have to go. go somewhere where there is nothing. i deserve the emptiness, the blackness, the void. given a chance at life, i have failed; rejected, excreted from the bowels of society through the dirty anus of disapproval.i would rather die than be a piece of shit, another broken cog in the vast machinery of mankind. what for? what is the point of going on, then? fuck it. i have to reconsider it. i have to think of it again. why not? am i afraid? of what? coward. i am a fucking coward too. what do i have to lose? is that a form of escape? yes, perhaps. i cannot stand such an existence, unable to tolerate it anymore. the disgust i feel for myself has reached its zenith. no more. to die, to sleep, no more. by a sleep i say goodbye to the thousand unnatural crap that my life consists of. defeated. defeated. defeated. the sneering faces, the disapproving head-shaking, the skeptical eyes, the spiteful tongues, the vicious mouths, the fake consolations, the feigned look of sympathy, the empty gratitude; all those, i remember all too clearly. not once, but twice, maybe more. i will die. yes, i will. if not by my own hand, by the hands of fate. no, do not thank me for trying and failing. kill me for trying and failing, godamnit. i am sick and tired. i don't need help or sympathy. i just need to roll over and die. die. die. die. die. die. die.

aelf

Sunday, 2nd December 2007

How do I live, a shadow to a person,
A shadow of a person?
In the shadows I cower,
The dark side of my soul throbbing
With the pain of unrelinquished dreams.

Immaterial, a shadowy presence,
Existing not in the world of realities.
Once born into this world I failed to breathe,
Never took in the harsh,
Sharp aromas of the existent world.

My extant being but a shell of nothingness;
A shroud, a veil covering rotted flesh
And rotted ideals.
A rigid, bony corpse, unbending but breaking;
Crackling underneath the yoke of my own beliefs.

I am somebody, but I am nobody;
My love tied to gallows that are too high,
Feet off the ground, hanging lifeless.
I suck my soul dry as carrion birds
Feed off the fruit of a futile fight for life,
Whipping thorned cords into the dead flesh of my heart.

Still.
I am alive.

aelf

Saturday, 1st December 2007

99 things i hate about myself and my life:

1. i suck
2. i am a failure
3. i am a loser
4. i am stupid
5. i can't get what i want
6. everyone hates me
7. i am a coward
8. i am not good enough
9. i can't live up to you
10. i am not smart enough
11. i can't deal with people
12. i can't get people to support me
13. people don't believe in me
14. i can't pick myself up
15. i lose faith in myself
16. i am ugly
17. i can't fit in
18. i can't pretend
19. i can't do things i don't like
20. i can't force myself
21. i can't stand pain
22. i am always screwing up on the spot
23. i am a burden
24. i am useless
25. i can't get results
26. i did badly for my history paper
27. i couldn't get any scholarship
28. i failed as a humans scholar
29. i only got one A
30. i got rejected by warwick
31. i got rejected ny LSE
32. i am still not a leader
33. i have no talents
34. i suck at math
35. i lost my portfolio
36. i am not inspired enough to draw again
37. my family is stupid
38. i am not that rich
39. people laugh at me
40. people don't take me seriously
41. people think i am boring
42. i bore myself
43. i don't read enough
44. i don't really know anything
45. i was a grunt in the army
46. i got beaten by other losers
47. i was rated as an 'average leader' in the army
48. i am mediocre
49. i was below average in my school
50. i didn't do as well as people i used to help
51. i have few friends
52. i am too dependent
53. i can't do anything on my own
54. i am afraid of changes
55. i have very bad luck
56. i only sound smart
57. i am too skinny
58. i can't protect myself or you
59. i let things happen to me
60. i am too rigid
61. i stick to stupid principles that get me nothing
62. i am not manipulative enough
63. i am aloof
64. i am too frank
65. i am too sensitive
66. i say stupid things to people
67. i always feel inferior
68. i am too weird for most people
69. i am not rational enough
70. i am too lazy
71. i can't face defeat
72. i am always humiliated
73. i humiliate myself
74. i never got a gold medal
75. i don't have enough willpower
76. i can't write books
77. i can't write poems
78. i can't write plays
79. i couldn't win the playwriting competition
80. i don't know how to talk to people
81. i am a loner
82. i've never been anything that i want to be
83. i can't make up my mind
84. i din't get distinction for my S paper
85. i can't get a tan
86. i annoy people
87. i am insignificant
88. i can only rebel
89. my parents think i am autistic
90. i made stupid choices
91. i am not practical enough
92. i've never proven myself
93. i only spend money
94. i never got a good job
95. i am not bothered enough with my life to take positive action
96. i sleep too much
97. i play too much
98. i like to eat rubbish
99. few people care about me

aelf