The lads are just too bored for words. Vyvyan's cornflakes competition entry consists of the word "cornflakes" written ten times. When Vyvyan, Rick, and Mike decide to play Monopoly, Neil decides to dig himself a grave in the garden. But the boredom doesn't stop even with demons trawling for souls, a seige of North London, and the oven exploding.It's an average boring normal day in Studentville - or is it? This features a walk down Abbey Road (in London) to the Kebab and Calculator (in Bristol), the three bears, a red dwarf from Hell called Footoomch (sp?), Vyvyan's mother, and Madness singing House Of Fun. Anyone who was in Studentville will know days like this :-)

ALEXEI SAYLE

QUOTES:

RIK: Well, what about "Vyvyan"? I could say "Vyvyan", couldn't I? That'd be pretty boring.  

VYVYAN: "You have won second prize in a beauty contest..."  

RICK: Ha ha ha! 

 VYVYAN: "...smash Rick over the head with the bank!"  [VYVYAN literally follows the instructions on his card.] 

RIK: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!  

VYVYAN: Mike?  

MIKE: No, he's right, Rik, that's exactly what it says.  

RIK: In Biro, Mike, in Biro, over the top of the print!  

VYVYAN: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring! 

 RIK: "Congratulations, it is your birthday! You may set fire to Rick's bed!"  

VYVYAN: Good one!  

RIK: "Get out of jail free: You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rik's bottom"! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!  

VYVYAN: I was BORED!

VYVYAN: It's quite easy really. All you gotta do is match up six pictures of famous noses with six pictures of famous bogies. [The only reaction to this is Rik examining his own eye jam.] 

VYVYAN: Thought that'd shock you. Well, it's not true, because then, then you gotta say in ten words "what cornflakes mean to you". So I put: "Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes... cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes."  

RIK: Pathetic. You'll never win,Vyvyan.  

VYVYAN: Why not?  

RIK: It's only nine words.  

VYVYAN: Oh yeah. "Cornflakes."

RIK: Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! What's happening to us? We never used to be like this!  VYVYAN: Yes we did. 

MIKE: You know, he's right, Rik, we've always been like this.  

RIK: Well--yes--I know, but-- But that's just exactly my point! Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us!

MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rik.  

RIK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan. 

 VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Neil.  

NEIL: There's someone at the door, Mike.  

MIKE: I know!  [A pause, then more knocking.]  

MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rik!  

RIK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan!  

VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Mike!  

NEIL: There's someone at the door, Neil!  [Neil does a double-take as he realizes what he's said.] 

MIKE: Well, don't look at me, I'm in Paris.  

VYVYAN: You haven't left the house all day!  

MIKE: Vyvyan, you ever heard of cloning?  

VYVYAN: No!  

MIKE: Oh, that's good, would you swear to that?  

VYVYAN: Certainly. If that's what you want.  [VYVYAN hops off the sofa and leans over the table at MIKE.]  

VYVYAN: Big jobs!

VYVYAN: Look, it's all right, lads. I stole some money from Rik's bedroom this morning, so I'll get these

VYVYAN: Okay, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, ah, a bag of roast ox crisps, and, uh, mine's a Babycham.  

BARMAID: Hello, Vyvyan.  

VYVYAN: Oh. Hello, mum.  

BARMAID: Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London.  

VYVYAN: Yeah, yeah... 'Ow's dad?  

BARMAID: Oh honestly, Vyvyan, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. You know I've absolutely no idea who he is!  

RIK: Well, Vyvyan! You never told us your mother was a bartender!  

VYVYAN: Well she was a shoplifter when I knew her!  

NEIL: She doesn't look strong enough.  

VYVYAN: Eh?  

NEIL: To lift shops.  

BARMAID: That'll be twenty-eight pounds fifty, Vyvyan. 

 VYVYAN: I've only got a fiver.  [VYVYAN holds out his money; she snatches it and stuffs it into her shirt.] 

BARMAID: I''ll 'ave the ring and the watch.  [She takes VYVYAN's ring and watch as well, also putting those in her shirt. She then brings the tray to their table.] 

BARMAID: Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?  

VYVYAN: Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...  

NEIL: Hello. 

 VYVYAN: And that's a complete bastard I know called Rik.  

RIK: He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.  

BARMAID: Ooh-ah. He is a bastard, isn't he?  

RIK: Tell me, Mrs. Vyvyan... why did you give him a girl's name?  [VYVYAN lunges out and pushes RIK into the floor.]

 BARMAID: Now, dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the last ten years.  

VYVYAN: Okay, mum!  

BARMAID: Not you... zitface! Him!  [She grabs MIKE and drags him to another table.] 

MIKE: Hey Vyv! Vyv!  [VYVYAN merrily waves him off. NEIL opens his bag of crisps, and the bag explodes.] 

NEIL: I knew I should have stayed at home

TRIVIA:

The Radio Times description says: "As Schtenker said, 'music will buy the paint.' He never said what colour ..."

Complete Script to Boring

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