Tell us more about these homemade Larabars you rave about.
I believe you mean Jenbars. Don’t ever buy Larabars again (sorry Marcus), you can make them for about $.25 apiece! My favorite is ⅔ cup dates, ¼ cup unsalted cashews, ¼ cup of dried cherries, pinch of salt to taste, blend in a food processor, smooth out on wax paper, cut with a plastic knife. BOOM, you’re welcome.

Now that you live in Spring Hill and have to commute every day, what’s the best part of your carpool?
Honestly? Much to the torture of the other 2-3 guys, having 2 other nerds to talk Magic the Gathering and video games with! Oh, I guess saving money and having a guaranteed parking spot (before lunch) is fun too.

Is it true that you tell everyone you live in Spring Hill to maintain your anonymous mountain man lifestyle?
Busted! I secretly raise buffalo in the wilderness outside of town. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ4T9CQA0UM

How large is the wood-shed outside of your log cabin?
Fun fact, my dad and I did build bunk beds for our 2 oldest daughters. By “my dad and I”, I mean mostly my dad while I measured things and handed him stuff.

If you had one wish and it could only be fulfilled here at work, what would that be?
To play in Battle of the Bands, but that would require a level of musical ability that I currently do not possess. In my car, alone, I’m an amazing lead singer and drummer.

Some say you could keep a live bird in your beard. We think you could fit a family of squirrels. Has this ever happened to you? So, what does live in your beard?
Usually just the occasional bug while running and leftover delicious bits from previous meals. Neither are very pleasant.

Who’s better at Magic the Game, you or your wife? Is the Black Lotus card OP?
Jen definitely has a knack for it and hates losing, so in the name of reducing marital strife, someday I’ll learn to not be so competitive. Black Lotus is definitely OP for all sorts of reasons, but I wouldn’t know firsthand since it’s a $4,000-10,000 (depending on the version/condition) card :)

Which Ugmonk shirt is your favorite?
Definitely my “Better Than I Deserve” shirt, but I don’t wear it to work for obvious reasons. http://shop.ugmonk.com/products/better-than-i-deserve

You’re from Illinois. What do you do to people when they pronounce it “Illinoise”?
Since my hometown is south of I-80, I’m usually just happy when people realize I’m still from Illinois instead of Kentucky.

It’s rumored there’s a picture out there of you without a beard… has anyone seen it and lived to tell the tale?
There is, we all have baby pictures right? I quickly expunged it from the interwebs. Ok fine, here it is in all its vignetted glory and bonus college track edition.

Quick Fire Questions

Best beard oil? Texas Beard Co’s beard balm (someday I’ll try Whistle Punk…)

UX pet peeve? Scrolljacking. Seriously. Don’t do it. Ever. Please?

The Pharmacy or Burger Up? Gabby’s? Truffle fries at Burger Up are amazing though.

Sudoko or Solitaire? Neither?

What brand of ax do you own? This reminds me, I should buy an ax to use at my buffalo ranch.

Pencil or Sharpie? Sharpie all the way. I’m committed.

Do you wash your beard daily? Daily shampooing then beard balm for a smooth, luxurious beard.

Fastest mile time? Somewhere around 4:40 waaaay back in the day. The 800 was my jam: 1:59.

Email Spam or Canned Spam? Hmm, the evil you know or the (potentially, never had canned spam) evil you don’t.

TV Shows or Movies? Movies, my ADD usually kicks in long before I can finish a TV series. Can’t handle the commitment.

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate? Black coffee. FRESH POTS! We need one of these: http://creative.mailchimp.com/fresh-pots/