1) Wear ridiculous masks that are far more attractive than your own features, complimented with a contrived stage uniform. Choose GeMac shirts - they are cheap and easy to reproduce.

2) Recruit as many friends as your have - nine should do. In case you fall short, grab unsuspecting victims off the street. Musical ability is optional.

3) It doesn't matter if you can't play guitar. Just hit the strings in a random twanking motion. If you can't hear the bassist, all the better.

4) Don't forget to add annoying DJ scratching over the top of said noise.

5) Play the drums as if you are Animal from The Muppets, a sense of rhythm is not required.

6) Tape approximately four minutes of noise and give it a title, preferable one that deals with death or decay or obscure imagery. It doesn't matter if you cannot reproduce the noise onstage, as fans will be too overpowered by your "madcap" live show to realise.

7) Most important rule - get Ross Robinson to produce the noise, essential really. Why not jump on the bandwagon as everything Mr Robinson does is hailed as a masterpiece. Or collaborate with Limp Bizkit.

8) Swear constantly throughout interviews and state how F**KING INTENSE everything is (even if you're a nice boy really). If you can, shout towards an electric fan.

9) Make sure onstage entertainment is increased by getting band members to beat each other with some frozen cow heads or turtle shells, just for, you know sheer delight.

10) Congratulations, you are now Slipknot!