the wind has come up around me,
rearranging the sky
and dragging the clouds and the sun west.
now there is an orange glow behind the Camelback mountains.
I have been pacing along
a brick walkway,
though the piles of dried mulberry leaves
cracking in a fine brown and
yellow.
this pacing has put my mind at ease.
it has refocused my scope.
today I have been writing about being
introspective and inpatient and
how frustrating it is that I feel guilty about using my time for
this (I still haven’t found a job).
you see, the last few years I have been alone
and I know that I have brought this upon myself by
not taking control.
but knowing doesn’t mean that I can be free of this.
it will take more.
all conflict aside, though, it is relaxing to
watch the clouds as the wind swathes my body;
there is a freedom about the whole
experience.
I know
that to discover why certain events have unfolded in my life
the way that they have
and why I have had the losses
that I have had
may take many years.
yet, to be innocent again
would be nice.
to let go
would be nice.
and to have a moment
to feel that this life could be
simple
would be damn nice.
today I will have to settle,
I suppose, and I will have to wonder
if it is possible to make this change
in me
as I have lived it
in her.
