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Medical Journal

See for yourself: the corrupting powers of Sam the Butcher! The grasp of Sam the Butcher may not be far-reaching, but what the band lacks in breadth they make up for in strength. Indeed, once the music of Sam the Butcher has entered your soul, there is no escape! The term for this phenomenon, "Samnambulitis," (STB for short), was coined by none other than the creator of this webpage. STB can strike within 50 yards of the band and is extremely contagious; so much that STB can be likened to a plague. In fact, the #1 cause of this afliction is exposure to the rat. You don't believe me? See for yourself!

Samnambulitis can strike anywhere, anytime. For example, take this poor group of people. Exposure to STB has caused them to dress in outdated clothes and hang out with graven images of Elvis.

This poor woman has been living with STB for 2 years. The disease now has her believing that her eyes are breasts.

STB can even affect members of the band! We see the progressive stages of the disease with these pictures of Curt. As shown here, Curt now believes that he should put fingers in his mouth, instead of that beer in his hand. Maybe all people are born with STB, being that all babies suck their thumbs, and we are just taught to supress the symptoms.

Anyway, in this photo we see that Curt has shaven his head, despite the frigid Indiana winter weather. By this time, Curt was recovered by the STB Control Center, tagged, bar-coded, vaccinated, and released back into the wild. The medication has taken no effect whatsoever and Curt progresses into the later stages of the disease.

I almost hesitate to present this photo, as it may be too graphic for some viewers. Here, we see Curt in the grips of the most pitiful stage of the disease thus far. Curt has developed an obsessive-compulsive disorder and calls phone sex lines, psychics, and QVC exactly 21 times a day. Also, the left side of his face has gone numb, so now he must always wear his trademark drool bib. If only Chris Krug had paid Curt the money he owed, we may have been able to save him. Although STB does not appear to be fatal, Curt is doomed to lead the rest of his life in the basement of the Stewart Center chanting, "Alice, Alice."

So, my friends, be warned! Use protection! Practice Safe Sam!